So angry..

[belle]

..I am soooo fed up with my husband saying that the ONLY reason i don't work is that i am LAZY. He said i don't want to get well (and thats if i am really agoraphobic) because i don't want to get a job!

I WORK, TWICE A WEEK.

I am really angry.

[lorac]

Hi Bluebell don't take any notice of what your husband says, it is very difficult to work when you have anxiety and I really admire you for the work you do. Just coming out of agoraphobia I can't work.

Have just been looking at your blogspot and I think I have met you in your place of work, you look so familiar.

Take care

love Carol
xxx

[belle]

Have you really? If you have met me, please don't mention where it is. No family/friends/collegues know i have my blog, its where i release my ANGER!
If i was me, i hope i was nice...:yesyes:

PM me :)

[chalky]

Hi Bluebell,

Lack of understanding by a partner can be a pain in the butt.
I know it is hard but do not take it personally!
Remain positive about yourself-you are fighting to get better and that is all that matters.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Best wishes,
Chalky

[belle]

I think its too late for that being positive, i am all out of fighting. I need a miracle.

[Deadgirl]

my guy is pretty good with me, he says he thinks i am ill, but my parents are always saying there is nothing wrong with me and i should grow up, which drives me mad

[belle]

Say you should "grow up?" How infruriating!!!!!!!!!!

[HazyMind]

I get that all the time from my family, its deflating...wish they could understand....

The fact that you face work with your anxiety takes real courage, well done!!

x

[tayside lassie]

hiya , i had a ding dong with my partner sunday cause i could not go to church with him and my wee lad ,i was told that theres is f*** all the matter with me i just make up excuses cause im lazy ,id like people like that to step into an anxiety/panic sufferer shoes for ONE DAY i told him if im so lazy does a cleaning fairy come in and do the housework ,cook the meals ,take the dog out my list can go on and on ,ive got a lovely word to describe my other half but id get kicked of N.M.P. dont let it get you down bluebell :hugs: .

take care sally.....

[belle]

Exactly!!!
What he forgets is on a Wednesday for example i work. Before work i sort my boy out for school. Take him and walk the dog. Come home do the washing up, hovering, general tidying. Clean the dog cage....then i get ready for work. I come home and i tidy again and cook the dinner. On a Sunday i will do the ironing too when i get back. When he goes to work, he gets himself ready and thats it. When he comes home he eats his dinner. Thats it!!!!

If i said this he'd say its only twice a week! If he has a day off when i am working, i am the one who still has to cook the dinner and tidy up

And i am lazy!!??

[sheba2]

Hi Bluebell.

Your post really had me thinking. I am also agorophobic and suffer with high anxiety and panic. My husband has been really good and caring. When I mentioned this to my doc he told me that his kindness was misplaced and that it would be better for me if he refused to help and made me do the things I don't want to do. I don't think I agree with him but I can see his point.

The other thing it made me think of was this. When I was in my first marriage I was agorophobic I was also very unhappy with the relationship and the expectations of who does what. The balance wasn't right. When I split and was on my own I was fine. Then I married again and things are better this time but again the balance of workload feels uneven and guess what I'm agorophobic again. Now I don't know if this is true for me and I wouldn't presume it is true for you BUT I wonder whether when we are unhappy about the situation we are in and feel unable to change it, subconsciously we produce a situation where we force the issue ie the agorophobia. It means we are asking to be looked after and also saying we can't cope with everything and we want some help. What do you think. I'm still pondering on how much it fits in with the way I am.

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi guys, hope you dont mind me butting in? i agree with your doc sheba even though i dont put it into practice:blush: the way i look at it is if you felt better about yourself then it wouldnt upset you what he says bluebell, but you may say well f*** you, your not the kind of guy i wan to be with. ar eyou living like this becauise the alternative seems worse? also if you were better things would be better and then he wouldnt say these things to you? its a vicious circle really - the better you ge the better you get on.

i dont think that them not doing enough around the house is the issue - ive finally after 11 years with my huasband started to live my life for me - ive been through two major depressions in that time, and hes stuck by me, and although hes never really been verbally abusive he could be accused of emotional negligence, but then what man isnt emotioanlly negligent? anyway ive realise dthis year that we are in control - not them! but with this goes the down side of the agoraphobia, and wha tyou have to tolerate from ppl and wha tyou have to accept when you might not want to accept something? the best thing to do is to tackle your agaoraphobia little by little everyday, because this is what builds your confidence and what will turn your life around - it can be done because im doing it too! take care bluebell/all, emma:hugs:

[Eva May]

Now I'm so angry after reading these posts! Why do people who are supposed to love us believe they can treat us so badly. Especially when we are suffering! My partner is so supportive, I just couldn't ask any more from him. I feel like I don't deserve it a lot of the time but he doesn't allow me think like that. None of you deserve to have your confidence knocked like this, agoraphobia and constant anxiety leaves you with little or no confidence as it is. Is there any way you could talk to the people in your life and tell them their attitudes are going to have to change or else. It's not fair on you:mad:

[Bunty]

Well said Eva May!! I'm so angry too!
Also why are people making excuses for these unsupportive people?
I personally would not be with someone who belittled me like that.
Of course it's not great if you have a partner who does everything for you if you don't take the opportunity to force yourself to do things that you need to do.
I had a partner who took over everything. I was then able to take control. My example is shopping in Asda. The weekly shop was impossible for me, a complete nightmare. Once he took over doing the shopping it took all the pressure off me so I then made myself go into Asda, buy just one thing and leave. I built it up until I was able to go into Asda and do the weekly shopping.
Even though that relationship didn't work out (because he turned out to be a complete liar...) he was always gently pushing me to do the things I wanted to do but felt I couldn't. When I wanted to go to concert in London I bought the tickets but decided to sell them as it was too much for me to handle. My boyfriend said that if at any time I panicked and wanted to come home he would pay for a taxi to bring me the 80 miles back!! He was serious! straight away this took away my panic about not being able to get back home if it all went wrong. We trained to London, attended the concert, stayed overnight in a hotel and trained back. The only time I panicked was in the concert. Our seats were so high up I felt sick with vertigo. He sorted this out by finding a couple of empty seats lower down and moved us. This is what a supportive partner would do. He knew I was desperate to go and he put things in place that enabled me to do it.
I wish luck to anyone stuck with a partner who puts them down. Try to tell them that they are making things worse, buy a couple of books about your problem and ask them to read them. Maybe they could speak to your doctor who could help them understand?
Take care
Buntyxx

[Bill]

but then what man isnt emotioanlly negligent? Sorry but this made me smile!:)

Sometimes people like to control others for their own benefit because they like things as they are.

They will enforce the belief that a person couldn’t cope for themselves. They will also use their partners own guilt against them.

Of course peoples own fears such as agoraphobia, panics and monophobia (fear of being alone) can also be used against them like a boulder to keep them firmly under their control when in actual fact our fears are often being created by our partners behaviour because they want us to feel trapped because they don't want us to change.

(Please don't misunderstand - I'm only referring to partners who want to control us rather than help and who are being supportive).

A person in this situation just needs to be more assertive and more confident and then the controller will either change their behaviour for fear of losing them....... or move on themselves......but sometimes that fear of losing our controller and thought of having to cope alone can also add to our feelings of not actually wanting to be assertive so they settle for the unhappiness they have.

There are often other issues that play a major part too such as guilt.

It's not always simple and can be a complex issue but no one should be controlled by another.:hugs: