New and constantly anxious!

[wanderer]

Hi everyone. I've only just joined because I'm finding my situaiton so difficult at the moment. I hope this doesn;t bore everyone to tears!

I have always had mental health problems (self-harming, mild psychosis, dissociation, OCD etc on and off for quite a while) and a pointless experience with a psychiatrist who didn;t take me seriously last year has put me off seeking help I'm afraid.

I have 4 children altogether including twin boys that I gave birth to 3 months ago. I am a very anxious person but lately my fear has gotten even worse. I have panic attacks and constantly worry about everything, especially my own death or somebody else who I love dying. I am convinced that I'm going to die and thinik about it all the time. Over the last 2 weeks I have been terrified to go outside. It started with just taking my daughter to school but now I can't even go out in the back garden without my husband coming with me. I have friends to take my daughter to school because I'm too scared. I feel pathetic as a human and a mother. My mum had agoraphobia when I was growing up and spent 10 years without going out but I never understood before.

I'm sure that people hate me. When I go out, everyone stares at me and gives me and my babies horrible looks. I also have thoughts that they want to harm me and my children. If a car goes past I have strong images of the car running us down and when we walk past people I think they are going to pull a gun or a knife out! It's only been a week since I left the house but cannot see me going out again. I'm even scared just sitting here. Everytime a car goes past or I hear a noise I jump and start feeling sick and shaky. It;s the same when the phone rings and I never answer it unless I know who it is.

I'm sorry this is so long but any advice would be appreciated or reading other people's experiences might make me feel less alone. Thank you.

[Lilith1980]

Hi Wanderer :hugs:

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time at the moment hun.

Have you considered taking any medication to take the edge off of your anxiety at all?

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the psychiatrist, and I know it must have dented your confidence but they arent all bad hun. My b/f had counselling when he was younger and found it to be useless. We are both having counselling now and he is really seeing the benefit.

Could you try and get your GP to come and see you (if you cannot go to the surgery) and talk to him/her about this?

I am sure that people arent looking/staring at you when you go out. I am also sure they do not hate you. I have had those feelings before hun, where I think people are watching at me, looking at me, thinking I am weird. I have been paranoid that people dont like me and avoided social situations because of this. But what I realised is that it is a reflection of what I think of myself. Nothing to do with them. I assumed that because I had a negative view of myself, that other people must do too.

You are not pathetic at all - you are an incredibly strong woman to be dealing with this AND looking after 4 children. Give yourself some credit hun :winks:

But I really think you need to speak to your GP, because this is obviously having a negative impact on your health and on your life in general. Let us know how you get on hun :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[wanderer]

Thanks Jo:) I appreciated your words and am hoping that soon I will have the confidence to talk to my GP about this because I know it will only get worse if I do nothing about it. Thanks again.

Wanderer

[yorkylover]

Hi I agree with Jo here,you are not pathetic at all and are coping with alot at the moment,especially not long after having twin boys.Congratulations:yesyes:

I think you need to see your gp and explain exactly how you are feeling.You may need some meds or just to talk things over with someone.There are alot of people here in the same situation.Dont ever feel alone.:hugs: :hugs:

[Liverbird67]

have a word with the gp or health visitor, it could be post natal depression making you feel like this they will be able to talk to you and I think that they give you a questionnaire to fill in. also with 4 kids specially three month old twins you are probably very exhausted and we all know what that can trick you into feeling. don't feel alone, you are probably not sleeping and having to get up to tend to the little one and the babies is taking it out of you.

Lots of love

Liverbird.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[chalky]

Hi Wandere,

Welcome to the Forum.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

You will get loads of support and advice here.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[lorac]

Hi Wanderer

Welcome to NMP i'm sorry to hear you are having such a bad time at the moment. I am sure you will get lots of help on here and find many who understand what you are going through.

Take care
Carol
x

[Horse]

Hi wanderer.

First things first.

Lets deal with this difficulty one at a time.

In my experience, I have found Psychiatrists to be like chalk and cheese. I don't think that I have ever met two who are the same. In some cases, some of them should not be qualified. However, there are Psychiatrists out there who are truly amazing and very sympathetic. Don't let one bad experience put you off.

The fact that you have 4 children, I think, in my opinion, puts you in the 'Superwoman' catagory. Any mother will know, it's not easy looking after children when you are well let alone when you're suffering from anxiety symptoms. (Just as a matter of interest, I'm a man). You are hardly likely to find time during the day or even night to unwind and relax. I take my hat off to you!

Worrying about your own death is something very very common for sufferers as you will discover if you do a search on this forum. Also, all of the other symptoms (because that's all they are) are also related to the normal feeling that we experience in anxiety. All of us worry about dying at some point. We've never been there before, so it's only natural.

I personally never suffered from agoraphobia, but I do now. Basically it's just a fear of leaving our 'safe place' incase anything happens to us.

You feelings that people hate you are common! I have this. Again this can be due to very low self esteem and lack of confidence in ourselves. People don't really hate us....we just think that! Have you ever thought that people may stare at you because you and your children are so beautifull?
I always think that people are staring at me because I'm ugly, but then I think, who wants to keep looking at something that is ugly? People would rather stare that something that is beautifull more than ugly right? I once checked out everyone sometime ago when I was able to go out and have a coffee in a shopping mall. I sat there feeling very uncomfortable knowing everyone was staring at me. It wasn't until I looked at all the tables that I noticed not one person was actually looking at me!! It's a form of social phobia. Try and do this when you can next go out into a crowded area. People are not really staring at you...OK, they may look at you, the same way as you would look at other people, but they normally just glance and then look away. It is only our minds that are thinking they are staring.

Feeling uneasy about sudden noises is one of a multitude of discomforts for the sufferer. Just dropping a piece of cutlery on a solid floor can be amplified tenfold. Bright lights are also a problem. No one is going to pull a gun or knife on you. It is just your thoughts telling you this could happen.

Believe me, the more research you do on your symptoms and why they happen and affect you (I would strongly recommend you do that through this site and NOT go Googling) the more you will understand that (1) You are not alone or crazy. (2) You can get better. (3)You have a right to your life.

I wish you good luck and may God bless you.
Thanks for writing and take care.

Kevin.