Unsupportive Families

[Bill]

I've been thinking about this subject for a while trying to piece it together because it seems a common theme and I feel we often do ourselves more harm than good in our approach in tackling the issue.

I'd like to hear peoples views on this.

I know I've always felt insecure. My sister resented me when I was born as she wanted a sister and as I grew, she always kept me at a distance, always rejecting my advances for comfort and affection.

Although I know my mother loves me, I can't honestly remember being given cuddles etc when I was young.

As a result I always felt rejected and alone.

In my case I never shared with them how it made me feel. I just walked away and accepted how they felt towards me.

The above is my limited experience of my need being unsupported but I know others have experienced much worse behaviour from their parents and relatives than I did. I was very lucky to have loving parents.

I think when we feel insecure, we have a need for comfort and when we feel abandoned or rejected, we feel unloved and alone. As a result we lose self esteem and our self confidence suffers. We also build up anger and resentment of our treatment which all added together later results in our anxieties.

However, the people we turn to when we're in need are normally our families but often it's our families who have contributed to our anxieties so that when we approach them for comfort and support, it isn't there just as it wasn't there when we were young.

We want them to understand us, to accept us, to support us but either through ignorance or their deliberate behaviour towards us, they can't or won't change. The rebuff we feel then compounds the anger they created in us.

I think in some cases for parents to accept our anxieties would mean they would feel to blame and so feel guilt because they would feel they've let us down.

However, whatever the reason whether deliberate or unintentional, if they can't or won't understand how we feel, no matter how much we try to educate them or get them to accept the way we are, the more harm we cause to ourselves by persisting in attempting to be accepted.

We end up stressing ourselves, beating ourselves up, retreating to being alone and even self harming because we hate ourselves. We repeat the past. We try to obtain comfort and understanding from those who made us feel rejected in the past and who made us what we are today.

I realise it isn't as clearcut as that, to say that our families behaviour towards us is wholly to blame because there are also other contributing factors but I don't feel we help ourselves by attempting to obtain what our families in the present couldn't or wouldn't provide in the past.

However, if we stop attempting to be understood by our families, we fear feeling alone. I just wonder though if it's better to accept how they feel and keep our feelings to ourselves because arguments will only cause us more harm.

I feel therefore it's more beneficial for us to share with people who do care and who do understand us, to enable us to feel better about ourselves.

We can't choose our families but we can choose our friends and often friends can be closer and more beneficial to us than our own families.

I've found this a difficult subject but I just feel that accepting our families for what they are is sometimes more beneficial to us rather than persisting for things they could never provide or attempting to change them. Also offloading anger on a brick wall will keep coming back to hit us more and keep our anxieties alive.

I think also perhaps if we build our self confidence, we would feel more secure so feel less alone and so not feel the need to be accepted by the family so much.

I'm honestly not sure on all of this so I'd like your points of view.:shrug:

[PUGLETMUM]

:winks: hi bill, as usual there is much food for thought in your post. most of us i would guess are involved in some way with other people? so we are the ones who seem to have a problem? we cant do this or that, we suffer from things that cant be seen and cant be understood by alot of other people? we take medication or hurt ourselves? you ge the idea - so we have all of this going on and we are around others in 'relationships'? and we want and need 'comfort'? this is where we differ bill because i dont think its empowering to be constantly wanting comfort from an outside source - people are extemely unreliable bill - the only person in my whole life i felt 'safe' with died 15 years ago, and ive felt very little comfort ever since:weep: but i feel so good about myself that i feel i deserve care:yesyes: so what to do if it isnt freely available from those sround us? beleive me i have none - most people in my life are so totally self absorbed that they dont even notice im not okay:mad: :shrug: :wacko: :weep: i havr to beg and bribe and stamp my feet just to get noticed! so over the last 15 years ive learnt about myself and ive learnt about others and ive learnt about life. we can care for ourselves bill and we can comfort ourselves and love ourselves and generally just like being ourselves - when this happens the craving for comfort goes and we are in a position of power - we can then comfort and care for others, even others who have maybe wronged us? this is how i prefer to be bill, this is how i deal with it now - give to yourself what you cant get from others and its amazing how quickly you see that we may have these problems, but we are no different to anybody else, they may not suffer from crippling anxiety and depression but many many people are scared, angry, selfish, unconcious, uncaring, and cause a great deal of upset and trauma in the world. so i see myself as the opposite of that and that is something to be celebrated - we are the light side of the world bill - caring ,compassionate people who are sensitive to others needs and feelings, so why not use that for good for ourselves and for others? i think if you can get past the idea that you need to be cared for you are well on the way to being the person under the fear? remember bill that the need to be cared for is part of the disorder? so when that need lessens i think we can say we are okay - maybe ill go back to wanting to be cared for, but i suppose i can come to nmp and all the people on here with the above characteristics will be here to will me on adn to offer words of support and kindness - we are not alone bill and there is care, its here!!! take care and HAPPY EASTER:flowers: :hugs:

[Lilith1980]

Hey Bill :)

As far as I can remember, my Mum and Dad were very loving parents. I guess they were quite strict in some ways in what we could watch and couldnt watch on TV.

I remember my Mum and Dad arguing, only on one occasion but I remember getting upset and asking them why they had to row. Im sure it was over something stupid but I guess as a young child you don't really want to hear/see your parents row.

When my anxiety first became "apparent" (but I still didnt realise what it was) I remember talking to my Mum about things I was worried about. Going over conversations with her that I'd had with other children at school and worrying about whether I had upset people.

As much as she tried to reassure me, there were times where she lost her patience and got annoyed at me saying that she always felt like she had to tread on eggshells around me.

Even a couple of years ago where I tried to explain my anxiety to her, she just looked baffled and concerned and the last thing I needed was her to sit there and get overly worried about it. Nor did I really want her looking at me like I was mad, which was the impression I got.

So I dont bring it up now. I did think about telling her about me going to see a counsellor but I know how she would react - she would look at me in a really concerned way and the whole issue of why I would be going to counselling would be lost. I know she's my Mum and will always worry, but I am older now and I just want to be able to talk to her quite matter of factly about things, rather than being talked to as though I was a child again :wacko:

On another note, I'm sure my family werent the prime reason for my eating disorder. I know they werent. But when I was younger my Nan always used to comment on the amount of sweets I would eat - even though she was the one feeding them to me! And she would always make comments on how quickly I used to eat my food at the dinner table. It was all "Joanne loves her food" type stuff.

When I was going throught my ED, I deliberately (and to be honest I still do this sometimes) ate slower so that I wasnt the first to finish. And I may leave a bit of the dinner to avoid her saying "Someone was hungry" like she always used to. This made me so self conscious about my weight and I remember when I had my ED, one of my thoughts was "This will show them, I'm not that fat 8 year old they used to know". I was so angry at my family for that - I felt as though I was seen as the podgy daughter who ate lots of sweets and ate her dinner quickly. I felt quite ugly to be honest.

I'm not that girl anymore, but I do sometimes feel like I am still treated like a child :wacko:

Sorry that's not really about support but I felt it was relevant in that the way our families behave towards us, can affect us later on in life.

Jo xxxxx

[beauty]

I found your post really interesting. My parents divorced when I was 3 but i always felt they loved me so much. However when I was about 19 I fell out with my Dad and learned what a terrible uncaring person he could be..and this is when the panic began. I do feel alot can be said about a link between panic and family life. However of course this wouldnt apply to everyone.
Youre right though, for people who feel this is the reason, maybe to stop caring whether or not your family love you or not would be the solution to many self-esteem issues.

[pooh]

Hi Bill!

Yours was a really interesting post that got me thinking about family and the role my own have had in contributing/counselling/supporting my anxieties depression and panic.

My mum and dad ( rare these days) are still together after 40 years of marriage and I have one elder sister.
My parents are both in their sixties, and are still THE people that I turn to for support.
If I can explain...
My mum has suffered from terrible anxiety for as long as I can rememeber, her way of dealing with it was to scream and shout and go on and on until she saught counselling and medication.
My dad had a nervous breakdown in his late thirties and was hospitalised over christmas. I was twelve. He also has had counselling, therapy and medication to cope with panic and anxiety. He still has the occassional attack.

And big sis... well she is my best friend and although (and i envy her this), she has had one heck of a tremendous life travelled all over the world, done amazing things, she too has had times that things have reached a low ebb and saught counselling.

Am I genetically predisposed, i believe without a doubt YES! Have some of my behaviours, responses etc through no fault of the parents been learned, been inadvertantly passed on? I believe so.

As for support..who better to support and understand what i experience. and sometimes that support has been to say "hey I'm not the best person for this one lets get to the doc,I'll come with you and we'll see where we can go from here."

Sounds rosey? Well there have been times my sis had felt alienated and everything is always about me and my problems. And its only now that I'm older (35) that I can see things with a clearer perspective. Recently had a conversation with my mum about signs of problems I was having that showed themselves just as I was starting to hit my teens. They were missed, but thats understandable considering what was happening to my dad at the time and the anxiety it was causing my mum.

I'm lucky ( and that is a huge understatement) to be in this fortunate position. I'm loved, accepted and helped through the worst times by three of the most important people in my life. Sure, we are all human and have our failings, and we all have our moments of not wanting to be bothered listening to this AGAIN!

I'm also coming to realise just how rare and fortunate this support is.

Lynne x

[bluebottle]

I am from a family where my Mother was very unemotional and needy and critical and a Father who left when I was 12 and ignored me, and when he was there he was always at work. So Bill I empathize with you and have found it to be more common than not.

[emlou71]

Bill what you describe in your thread is just what has and is happening to me at the moment. I have, as long as I can remember, tried to please my mother. She has always made me feel guilty for everything I do and only shows emotion when she's had a drink, she always looks very uncomfortable even when kissing me on the cheek (very weird I think, especially as I have 3 young children and know that I will never feel like this). Anyway its all come to a head and we've had a big bust up and she's refusing to acknowledge me. We have had major rows in the past and I end up crawling back but this time I have decided, for my own and my partner's sanity, that I will not be crawling back. My partner calls her a bully and that is what she is! Since being very little I have always been anxious and now suffer from social anxiety, anxiety attacks and paranoia and I am constantly trying to please everyone, and am always the one to apologise even when i'm not in the wrong. I really need to break away as can't carry on living my life like this.:mad:

[Under~The~Stars]

Hi Bill, and all :hugs:

Bill, this is a very interesting thread, and I can really relate to this.

I am told by my psychotherapist that my unsupportive family is to blame for a lot of my anxieties. I couldn't see that before, as in my mind families are meant to support you, and because I'm the one with all the issues I thought it was all my fault. But over the last few months, I can see how my family have played a part.

My mum is the best mum anyone could ever have, and I love her more than life itself. Although, she needs to be her own person, and not just do what my dad wants her to do. She doesn't understand how I feel, but is always as supportive as she can be.

My dad on the other hand is an absolute nightmare. You couldn't call what we have as a relationship. He constantly puts me down, I know that he doesn't care, and I know that he doesn't like me, he blames me for all of the problems within the family. I don't want anything to do with him, for reasons I don't want to state on here. I feel my life would be better if he wasn't in it. My brother and I used to be very close, but my dad has poisoned him against me now. My dad is a very manipulative, nasty piece of work. My mum always sides with him as she's scared of him. My mum is having an affair with another man, and you know, I'm really happy for her. I don't agree with cheating, but she's my mum, and she's terrified of my dad, and if she's getting happiness from someone else, even under those circumstances, then I'm happy for her. I would love her to leave my dad for good, but she's too scared to. My dad said if he ever found out that she was with someone else, even if they had split up, he would kill them. The "relationship" I have with my dad has not only caused a lot of anxiety, but it's caused me huge problems with relationships that I have with men. I do blame my dad for that.

I do believe that families have a huge influence on us, as they are our primary form of support. We can choose our friends, and my friends know me much better than my family, and are much more supportive. If it wasn't for my friends, who knows where I would be.

Good thread Bill :hugs:

Lou x

[Bill]

This has certainly stimulated alot of thoughts. It's as complex as I thought!

My sister now lives abroad and I hardly hear from her but it doesn't really bother me. I'm probably closer to my mother now, more than I've ever been before since I lost my father.

However, they are just my mild experiences which are nothing compared to most and it's more about others problems that stimulated my thread.

Emma, I agree with what you're saying that we need to be more self assured but I felt sad about what you've been through and how you've been treated.
this is how i prefer to be bill, this is how i deal with it now - give to yourself what you cant get from others..............people are extemely unreliable bill
Please forgive me if I'm wrong as I've no wish to cause upset but it feels that you rely on yourself for the things you need because in the past others have always hurt or failed you for one reason or another. In a way I'm sure it's made you stronger and in a sense happier but I also sense alot of hurt which perhaps may be connected to your panics. I do think it's Wonderful though that despite all you've been through that you are here helping others and just like me, I'm sure it must help you to receive support from such caring people on here. :hugs: Hope I've not upset you. It was just what I sense but I could be wrong.:hugs: xxx

I think Lynne demonstrates how much of a help it can be when we're able to share with those closest but in other cases as described here, how damaging some parents behaviour can be towards us. This is the issue that made me write the thread because when we keep going back for support which isn't there, the more harm we cause to ourselves.

As Beauty, Emlou and Bluebottle say it seems more common that families aren't there for us which is Very sad but something we have to come to terms with for our own sanity or we keep beating ourselves up because of them. Just as Lou says...I am told by my psychotherapist that my unsupportive family is to blame for a lot of my anxieties. and it can only take one unsupportive parent to trigger future problems.

The solution though I believe is as Emma and Lou say, we need to share our anxious thoughts with those we know will understand us which is where this site is so important because it helps us to not feel alone.

There is another point that Lou has raised though and that is the issue of black and white thinking. Often we feel something is either right or wrong with no grey areas but Lou has shown why grey areas often exist and that often we can judge people on face value before giving ourselves a chance to try to understand their reasons. I'm glad you feel happy for your mother because I would feel the same.:hugs:

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. :hugs:

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi bill, no you havent caused me upset:winks: your entitled to your opinion:yesyes: it just so happens that i think your opinion is wrong about me on this one.

i dont think its as complicated as you seem to think it is - life is life and we all get let down - some much worse than others - im a lucky person bill, not an unlucky one - i have never ever been physically ill, my daughter has never been ill and shes nearly 10! i have a good hard working husband, and i have a good brain and am capable of doing losts of things:blush: i have never been physically or mentally abused and i have never ever been the victim of a crime or disaster. BUT and its a big but - i suffer with anxiety/depression/anxiety/panic/agoraphobia/avoidance/dependancy:wacko: but i am also strong, passionate,intelligent, hard working, faithful, loving and the list goes on and on. oh i can also be judgemental, mean, selfish, sarcastic, and just downright horrible!!!!:mad: but im HUMAN:yesyes:

so this is my point, not so much to you bill but to anyone who may be following this thread and looking for advice and answers - im further along the journey, ive hit rock bottom and im now on my way to recovery and to a better more fulfillin gless frustrating life - so i want to help others who arent - YOU ARE NOT YOUR ANXIETY- and anxiety and depression can be over come:yesyes: you are needy and clingy and powerless because of your anxiety state - this is why other people seem so disinterseted in our problems and may come across as uncaring - they arent, but they dont suffer aso they cant empathise, and i would be the same if someone told me about a situation they were in and id never experienced it - we can only understand wha tweve experienced. so what i want to ge tacross to people is that you dont have to be a 'victim' you can rid yourself of the anxiety and you can move forward with your life. i dont want to live my life through anxiety, making decisions based on what will make me most comfortable and playing it safe - i dont want to be ssat in my house fuming at people for not caring while they are out there living!! i want o out there living too:yahoo: so wha tio advocate is getting good sound advice from somewhwere like NOPANIC there 12 week recovery programme is brill for ANYONE with any sort of phobia - and getiing your life back together where you arent preoccpied with what people have or havent done/said over the course of your experience with anxiety. you can feel sad for me if you wan to bill, but that would be useless, because if im sad then i feel that myself, then i remind myself of all the people who are far worse off than me, brush nyself off and get on with it - there is no alternative - i have to take this attitude because it has helped me in the past to stop dwelling onmyself and to carry on with life and try to make the most of it - were not here for long are we? so why waste it? HAPPY EASTER ALL:hugs: :flowers: emmaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lilith1980]

Hey Emma,

Your post has really inspired me, I think you are amazing. You are so right - life is too short to be caught up in all this anxiety stuff.

I have been feeling so much better recently and more positive about the future. My relationship is getting back on track and me and my b/f are getting on so much better now, its fantastic, I feel really happy :)

I have signed up to do a Basic Counselling Skills course because that's what I am interested in doing. We'll see how it goes and I may move onto the next level, who knows.

I dont know if this will be a new career, I dont really know what is in store for me, but I am not concerning myself with it because there is no point in worrying or trying to predict the future. I have to do what I feel is right for me now and enjoy it too :D

Thanks for that post Emma, I was welling up whilst reading it :blush:

It was so inspirational. Life is for living and I want to start doing that instead of letting this anxiety take over :yesyes:

Thanks hun :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[Bunty]

I'm happy for Emma but she obviously isn't at the place I am at the moment. When you have depression and severe anxiety you do just 'get on with it' but when nothing improves after many years it's a real struggle.
Of course life is too short for anxiety but that doesn't remove it.
My family are not supportive at all. I want them to be supportive but they clearly can't be as they are emotionally stunted. I am the only one in my family who is able to show caring and support and they've sucked every ounce of it out of me. For years I thought I was the one with the problem but I've realised that it's not me - it's them!!
Also, when I say 'support' it's simply about needing them to listen and sometimes asking me 'are you okay, what can I do to help?'.
In 20 years of suffering from panic attacks no-one in my family has ever asked if they can do anything to help me.
It's very easy to say 'get over it and move on'. We would all do that if we could.
I'm happy for those people that have moved on but I find that they always have at least one person who supports them.
I for one do not have anyone. No family or friends that support me.
I've mentally backed off from my family and that has helped me to deal with things (I was always doing nice things in the hope they would show some love back) but now I'm under pressure as I'm not being how they think I should be. My sister is struggling with the fact that I won't be walked over anymore....she thinks she always upsetting me but she's not. I'm just calmly and firmly standing my ground (taken me 38 years to do it...) and she's totally confused as she's not used to it!!
Hopefully my councellor will help me as I've got my first appointment on 31st March!! I know I need to not care about how they treat me so I can move on but I find this heartbreaking.
Last year a woman at work said that they were going home to curl up on their settee with their daughter to watch a video. It really upset me because my mother has never done anything remotely like that with me. She left us when I was 9 years old and I've basically been heart broken ever since and don't know how to get over it. If I told her how I felt she would be really upset so I keep quite causing me to suffer. My elder brother really upset her last year by saying exactly what he thought of her treatment towards us. I just can't do it to her but I feel it's the only thing that will help me. I asked her if she is proud of me and she couldn't even say yes even though I've loved and cared for everyone, I have my own home and a good professional job. What do I have to do for her to be proud of me??
I've gone on a bit but my family has completely messed me up and they then judge me because I can't go out or socialise with people.
Thanks to anyone who actually read this message and didn't get bored half way though!!
Buntyxx

[Lilith1980]

Hi bunty

I'm sorry your family havent supported you hun :hugs:

I definitely think counselling will help you, especially as you dont have anyone to talk to in "real time". It helped me enormously, it gave me more confidence and I found my own "voice" if that doesnt sound too cheesey.

I think its great that you're standing up for yourself hun, that takes a lot of strength and self belief - I am still working on that side of things!

Let us know how your first counselling session goes hun.

Jo xxxxx

[Bill]

In reply to Emma:hugs: ,

I can see you have alot of inner strength that should be admired. Often when we come through bad times and have struggled through them alone, we become stronger as a result just as you have.

I do feel sad though for anyone who has faced suffering and I wouldn't want to change the part of me that feels empathy but then I haven't been put in your situation and nor have I your strength. I do realise you care though just like me because otherwise you wouldn't be here helping people!:hugs:

I think we can develop strength for different reasons and in different ways but generally speaking, in this world I feel there is too little compassion but then I know I'm too soft!

Emma, if I may ask, I would be interested to know what you think is the cause behind your anxiety etc?

Bunty, just as I've said above, I feel Very sad for anyone who has been made to suffer especially when our own parents have contributed to our problems. :hugs:

I'm sure being able to talk and offload with your counsellor will help you in many ways. Things Do get better even though at present it probably doesn't feel like it.:hugs: xxx