verved
23-03-08, 21:33
Hi, am totally new to this but want to share as brief as i can how i've come to be in the state that i am!
It started for me€ few years ago where a girl who i worked with was very close to me (my best friend) ended up having a affair. i am married to a wonderful woman and have little boy, anyway the affair went on for around 6-9 months and around spring of 2006 my son had a bad turn only very brief and my friend was rushed in to hosiptal. around this time we knew we had done a bad thing and agreed to end it as it was destroying our friendship.
anyway the guilt and stress of everything got to me and i ended thinking i had hiv (she was always careful with others apart from once but i was different because she loved me and trusted me) anyway i knew deep down everything was ok as she is a pcso and have to have test etc frequently.
but alas the drove me around the bend and didnt help by looking at websites about the symtoms of the hiv.
in the end i ended up taken my self one day to sti clinic to be told everything is fine. the wait is horrible but the relief at the time was something else. to the point that when i got home i had huge panic attack and my wife (who didnt know about the affair at that point) to me to casualty, who did naff all.
It also turned out my friend who came out of hospital had been diagnosed with cancer yet she was 19 . the same cancer that took a sister of hers and another who had to have it removed in a operation.
i was gutted,but the guilt was crippling me so i told my wife who forgave me. but for months i kept dwelling on about hiv even looking at people thinking they have just by looking at them. eventually i returned to work still often thinking about it. later in the year i started seeing a counsellor who gave a list of things to do like write down thing like time date where i was , what i was doing when one the thoughts would pop up.
this went on until around april of 2007 and things went quite, my friend left to work for the police and we dont speak anymore (unless she pops in to my works) but i missed her severly and still do sometimes.
Anyway my counsellor went of ill for about 6months and didnt see anyone , but i felt ok and thought thats it done dusted. except 22nd of sept 2007 i had a call of paramedic jabbering on and i didnt understand but basically my dad had a heart attack and had died.
we where all devasted. totally out the blue, and for months i felt so bad and grieving. a month later my mom ended up in hospital. and eventually my wife suggested my mom needs looking after and we will do it. so mom after 8 weeks of hospital came to live with us. but we had the stress of finding a home for lots of pets, bills , mess, u name it. and we had to sell the house mom and dad lived in which currently we awaiting to complete.
my counsellor started seeing me again november time and ive had quite a few meetings , and she suggested due to everything i should go on medication.
so the other week i was giving seroxat , i wish i never been near it.
last week my mom was rushed in to hospital twice and is still there. but i think that and the seroxat have pushed me to far.
the last few days ive been really fed up , distressing thoughts and the old nemesis partially triggered of by dentist who ive never met before talking about hiv. and him explaining how he knew a girl years ago and got a std and said the wait to be told your hiv clear is horrendous and that he has 4-5 patients on his books but anyway major work he wont do. its strange i that people i know who have gone a got themselves tested like me (negative thank god) still have the thoughts have such a horrible process affect them today. but he knew what its like to love two people and how it messes with your head, with the what if's, but i so wish i never seen that emergency dentist and the him telling me how he has 4-5 hiv patients on his books but only does minor work for those patients.
the odd thing is my wifes friends brother is hiv postive and when he comes around our house it tends not to bother me in the slightest.
but today ive felt so low and think a combo of things from the last week have done it for , a nasty cold, mom , 6months since dad died and the house and maybe not been at work for nearly a month with a bad back , and the seroxat have done it for me.
hence why ive opened up. i know it's long even though it's short compared to the whole my story, i even took my self up to hospital tonight but the there was to many people a came home, instead wrote this. but it is hard not to wonder if someone out there doesnt like me!
It started for me€ few years ago where a girl who i worked with was very close to me (my best friend) ended up having a affair. i am married to a wonderful woman and have little boy, anyway the affair went on for around 6-9 months and around spring of 2006 my son had a bad turn only very brief and my friend was rushed in to hosiptal. around this time we knew we had done a bad thing and agreed to end it as it was destroying our friendship.
anyway the guilt and stress of everything got to me and i ended thinking i had hiv (she was always careful with others apart from once but i was different because she loved me and trusted me) anyway i knew deep down everything was ok as she is a pcso and have to have test etc frequently.
but alas the drove me around the bend and didnt help by looking at websites about the symtoms of the hiv.
in the end i ended up taken my self one day to sti clinic to be told everything is fine. the wait is horrible but the relief at the time was something else. to the point that when i got home i had huge panic attack and my wife (who didnt know about the affair at that point) to me to casualty, who did naff all.
It also turned out my friend who came out of hospital had been diagnosed with cancer yet she was 19 . the same cancer that took a sister of hers and another who had to have it removed in a operation.
i was gutted,but the guilt was crippling me so i told my wife who forgave me. but for months i kept dwelling on about hiv even looking at people thinking they have just by looking at them. eventually i returned to work still often thinking about it. later in the year i started seeing a counsellor who gave a list of things to do like write down thing like time date where i was , what i was doing when one the thoughts would pop up.
this went on until around april of 2007 and things went quite, my friend left to work for the police and we dont speak anymore (unless she pops in to my works) but i missed her severly and still do sometimes.
Anyway my counsellor went of ill for about 6months and didnt see anyone , but i felt ok and thought thats it done dusted. except 22nd of sept 2007 i had a call of paramedic jabbering on and i didnt understand but basically my dad had a heart attack and had died.
we where all devasted. totally out the blue, and for months i felt so bad and grieving. a month later my mom ended up in hospital. and eventually my wife suggested my mom needs looking after and we will do it. so mom after 8 weeks of hospital came to live with us. but we had the stress of finding a home for lots of pets, bills , mess, u name it. and we had to sell the house mom and dad lived in which currently we awaiting to complete.
my counsellor started seeing me again november time and ive had quite a few meetings , and she suggested due to everything i should go on medication.
so the other week i was giving seroxat , i wish i never been near it.
last week my mom was rushed in to hospital twice and is still there. but i think that and the seroxat have pushed me to far.
the last few days ive been really fed up , distressing thoughts and the old nemesis partially triggered of by dentist who ive never met before talking about hiv. and him explaining how he knew a girl years ago and got a std and said the wait to be told your hiv clear is horrendous and that he has 4-5 patients on his books but anyway major work he wont do. its strange i that people i know who have gone a got themselves tested like me (negative thank god) still have the thoughts have such a horrible process affect them today. but he knew what its like to love two people and how it messes with your head, with the what if's, but i so wish i never seen that emergency dentist and the him telling me how he has 4-5 hiv patients on his books but only does minor work for those patients.
the odd thing is my wifes friends brother is hiv postive and when he comes around our house it tends not to bother me in the slightest.
but today ive felt so low and think a combo of things from the last week have done it for , a nasty cold, mom , 6months since dad died and the house and maybe not been at work for nearly a month with a bad back , and the seroxat have done it for me.
hence why ive opened up. i know it's long even though it's short compared to the whole my story, i even took my self up to hospital tonight but the there was to many people a came home, instead wrote this. but it is hard not to wonder if someone out there doesnt like me!