Fearful & Lost

[syedrahman]

Many thanks for everyones help and support. Today being Monday 21st March 2005, I still couldn't get to sleep on a decent time. Dozzed off about 4am and was up at 9am. Still very very dizzy and nauseated. Was a major effort getting out of bed. Just lay there thinking what if..

Mind racing with negative thoughts a 100mph. Silly thoughts, fearful thoughts, lost thoughts, destructive thoughts. Managed all day to have only a cup of tea and a few fairy cakes and a banana. They tasted so horrible. Switched on the telly and couldn't concentrate. Seems like I am looking through it. Rang my work manager and explained my situation, nearly breaking down. Was told not to be apologetic and to continue and concentrate on the counselling. Rang my Human Resources and was notified that I have no more full pay left and only 4 motnhs of half pay from next month. Immediately had a panic and anxiety attack. How do I keep up with the mortgage etc. Couldnot seem to breath at all and feinted. Lay motionless for a while in the bathroom. Came around completely disorientated. Managed to crawl back in bed. Tried to keep my eyes shut and think it would get better. Dozzed off and woke up at 7pm, still feeling anxious, panicky and not forgetting light headed and dizzy. Trying to convince myself this will end soon and I will feel better.

I am so fearful of my future. I feel a complete failure and have let everyone down. I want to cry but am unable to. I want to go out but unable to. I need a change in atmosphere from this bedroom but am scared and dizzy. My heart is on major palpitaiton. I am so lonely and confused.



Sy

[della]

hello sy

just read your post, i completly understand how your feeeling ...have been there and got the t-shirt.
While i was in the same situation i used to use a cushion to get rid of my feelings i would beat it up...you say that you feel like crying please DO it is the best stress reliever and your safety net.
I to had dizzy spells and felt unsafe in my own environment and felt that i to was a failure..all i can say to you is try to keep positive and RELAX through these feelings because that is what they are JUST FEELINGS be good to yourself and accept that for this time you need to be as you are, there were times when i had to take each day from minute to minute and get through it like that.

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take care

della

[nomorepanic]

Sy

Did you really faint with the panic attack? It is quite uncommon and could be because you hadn't eaten as well.

This will not go away on its own I am afraid - it has to be tackled head on and not allowed to develop out of control.

If you are feeling this bad then I suggest you talk to the doctor and tell him what you posted here.

I am on medication for high blood pressure and had to take 3 different ones before I settled on one. When I went to see the doc and told him that one lot made me feel so dizzy that I thought I was going to faint, he said that no-one should feel that bad on medication and changed it immediately.

Perhaps you need to get yours changed too.

As for work - well it gave me the motivation to go in cos I lived alone and couldn't afford not to work. I had to drag myself there everyday and spent most of it crying in the loos but didn't want to lose my house either. When we are faced with such prospects we seem to be able to find the strength to carry on.

Read the website (www.nomorepanic.co.uk) and take in everything that is on there - maybe something will help you.

Also - you don't need to start a new topic each time - you can reply to previous ones so all your posts are together - may help others to read the whole thing through.

Take care

Nicola

[sal]

Hi Sy

Sorry you have had such a hard day. You have lots of pressure on you at the moment and until some is released you are going to struggle to get there. Firstly if you are going on to half pay get in touch with your mortgage lenders and ask if you can make an agreement with them to pay just the interest for say the next six months, that will alleviate one problem and i think by how you are talking that is a big issue, debt always is.

Secondly do not feel like a failure at all, you didnt choose to feel like this and you will get better.

And thirdly work sound like they are quite supportive so lean on them, maybe ask if they could help fund a counsellor or CBT for you to get you back on track and back to work sooner rather than later.

Dont feel like this is the end of the line, as this could be a fresh start, you have hit the bottom and you can only come upwards now.

We are all here to help you and will offer you all the support we can.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[henri]

Hi Sy,
I'm sorry you've had such a difficult day.

I know this probably seems like the least of your worries right now, but a few fairy cakes and a banana are not enough to sustain someone for a whole day - i've found that eating a healthy, balanced diet has helped me get to a place where i felt strong enough to deal with my situation. if you can't face eating solids (i couldn't for ages), make food that can be blended so that you don't have to chew much but still get all the nutrients. eating properly will really help you feel better.

also, can i just say that YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! i'm sure a lot of people on this site have had moments of feeling like a failure but it's just not true. you are having a difficult time and you are going to take steps to help yourself and you will eventually feel better and much stronger.

i had debt problems after i graduated and i had a debt collection agency on my back - they were happy for me to pay a minimum until i got a job. maybe your mortgage company will agree for you to pay less until you get back on your feet.

i think nic is right, you need to force yourself to take action. it will make you feel so much better. seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist really saved me - maybe you should go and talk to your doctor about the possibility of getting some sessions on the nhs.

hope you have a better day tomorrow,

henri x

[katiekatie]

Hi Sy

As Henri said, a few fairy cakes is not enough to keep you going. If you read back over some of my posts you will see I got myself in a really bad state, I was worried about having anaphalactic shock so I stopped eating, I lost a stone and a half and i was underweight to start with, I started feeling sick, dizzy, tired, crying all the time, weak, everypart of me hurt so much i couldn't even lift my arms, I was panicking 24/7, and i had cramps all the time, all these side effects were because of lack of food, believe me i didn't want to eat, i was terrified ofevery mouthful, but I realised that i had too. It hasn't stopped the panics completely, but within a few days of eating I was feeling much stronger, looking better and felt much more able to cope. I am going out again, sleeping better and looking forward to the future. I also had anorexia as a teenager and at that time i learn't that when the body is hungry, it won't sleep properley, and it hasn't got the energy to operate your mind very well, so you start feeling out of control and anxious and down. Please try to eat something.

If you don't put petrol in your car it won't work! And same for your body.

katiekatie

[Muddled Mind]

Very sorry to hear you have been experiencing a bad time. We have all been there, and life is a struggle with people suffering with our 'conditions'. But we have to take each day as it comes. When I have a very bad day, and I had one yesterday, I try to think of it as a blip, and tomorror is a another day, although I dont do half of what I use to, I still look forward to the future.

So try(and I know it's not easy) to keep your chin up, do your deep breathing exercises and EAT. You must put some fuel into your body, otherwise it wont function at it's best.

cheryl

[lisarose]

Hello Sy, Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time, I have been there etc etc but it does get easier. It is not a smooth ride I can tell you but if you are determined to get better you will, It just takes time and alot of hard work. I have suffered with PAs/depression/GAD for 5 years and last August started on new meds and really thought I had got it sorted. Just after Christmas started to feel bad again and thought I was back to square one but I have now looked on it as a temporary "BLIP" and know I can come through it again. Try to eat something nutritious as you have to keep your strenght up and it is no wonder you fainted if you are not eating properly.

Keep your chin up ad we are all here if you need us.
Take care
Love Lisaxx