View Full Version : Positive outcome from the Doctors.....
I spoke to Alice before we went in and I reassured her that it is not because she is abnormal but that we were there to ask to see a special doctor who would help us both understand and give her the answers that she doesn't have. I gave her the choice of to come in or waiting outside and I promised I would tell her everything after - at this point she got upset but she decided to come in. Anyway the doctor was very good. I started off by telling her straight away that I was there for a referral expecting to be put off but she asked why and I told her and she said it sounds very much like anxiety/panic attacks. She asked if it stopped her going or was she ok when she got there. Asked how home/school/friends are etc. Anyway she said that CBT is not recommended for children (Still don't know what that is!) but she would refer her to a child counsellor. She said that on the NHS there is a 6mth at least waiting list, or she knew a very good counsellor who deals with this privately in Brighton (Apx20mins away) I have asked her to refer to private as I don't really want Alice waiiting that long. My only concern is that she said that she would help find the underlining problem which I agree is important but will a counsellor be able to help her deal with it and help her manage it for the future. I want Alice to be moving on with this rather than raking all back through her childhood - is that the wrong way of looking at it - i'm not sure. After I told Alice that she did really well and that only people whom she choses will know and if there is anything worrying her she can always talk to me or Darren (DH).
hi karen,
i think thats great news all round,you were so lucky to find such a good understanding doctor.
theres a great clinic in brighton,be interesting if its the same one!
well done to you both,your on the road to freedom...best wishes...bryan.
Hey Karen,
That went well in all ways then...Good news. Greta that she went for referral without a murmur.
Couple of things for when you get to the counsellor.
Ensure she's really child experienced - not an adult one who takes the odd child here and there.
Be aware that many child 'helpers' may have precoceived ideas that all children are really fine - it's the parents who need the help.
Ask about her style and theory of counselling. ie CBT- TA- etc and what time frame she wants to try out with .
You should be able to do this on the phone with him/her previsit. Once you go the counsellor will probably want you to push off and wait outside so arm yourself with a book.
As regards your question about raking back .There will need to be a certain amount of history taking from Alice.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
What is CBT and TA? she did mention CBT but said that it was not appropriate for a child but never actually said what it was!
Hi Karen
Lottie already answered CBT for you really well so I won't go through it again. Look back at your recent posts...
TA is transactional analysis - another form of therapy theory...
Additionally if you go to the home page and the research bit there is stacks there.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Really sorry - I only just found Lotties last posting - I forgot to click on page 2 andjust scrolled down and assumed that was all the posts - guess I have a lot to learn on PC's too LOL
Excellent news about your very supportive doctor!!! Hopefully you will get the ball rolling soon, and Alice will start to learn to deal with her problems.
I agree about the childhood. I don't think it helps at all. I want help with dealing with now, not an incident that happened when I was two!!!
If it's any help, I have discovered my "causes" through councelling and therapy.
1. Part genetic - my gran and mum are both anxious sorts of people (my gran particularly)
2. Part learnt behaviour - my mum was a bit neurotic, and obsessive - for example making us use the bathroom before we went out on a trip. (Fine when your a tiny tot - but not so good when you get older!!!)
3. Personality type - lacking in self confidence and having a desire to please everybody all of the time
4. Having very dominant parents - my mum in particular is very opinionated, and can only ever see one side of an argument. Her views are the right views!
Actually I had a happy childhood. My mum and dad had a long and happy marriage, I had loving grand parents and great grandparents. We lived in a nice house, with plenty of space to play outside, with enough toys etc without being spoilt.
My parents were loving and kind, I was just very different to them, and this is where some of my problems stem from.
A kid with more self confidence, would have just argued with their parents, or said no, but I aquiesed every time due to my desire to please, and as a result ended up playing musical instruments and taking classes purely to please my mother (she never had the opportunity when she was younger, so therefore didn't want to deprive me!!)
In most peoples eyes I had an ideal childhood, but in someways it wasn't as I was never allowed to become me, just try and be the person my parents thought I should be!
This sound really horrible, my parents were never nasty or unkind, just trying to to the right thing (it just happened to be the wrong thing for me)!!!
I don't know enough about this to really comment, and theres nothing worse than a text book psychologist, but do you think Alice is upset about the divorce. Could it be she wants the love and security that you provide, but doesn't want to let her dad down by not stopping with him, but worries because your security is not there when she is with him? She maybe also doesn't want to hurt you by having a good time at her dads? I know got myself terribly knotted up by trying to please everybody all of the time, which as you grow up you realise is impossible. Maybe it could be worth talking to Alice about this? I hope you are not offended by this suggestion, it was just a thought that I had!!!
Best of luck, I hope you and Alice are starting to feel a bit better, now you know help is round the corner!!!
Charlie
I'm not offended at all. My husband's parents spilt when he was young (Alice was 14mths)and he said that he remembers having to try and please everyone and not wanting to upset everyone involved so he just went along with things and he had to watch every word he said so as not to offend. Which is why Alice probably finds it hard to talk to me and I understand that. She has never asked the 'Why' question with regard to her Dad. He has been with the same woman since he left and Alice was 2 when I met my husband so she doesn't really remember it any other way but that doesn't necessarily mean it hasn't affected her. I will let you all know how I get on when I have got in touch with the counsellor thank you all incredibly for your support and openess.
I too used to find it hard to talk to my mum and dad (fear of offending again) if I had a problem. So I used to off load on my gran, who was also one of my best friends. Sometimes it's easier to discuss things with a caring relative, but one who you don't have 24/7 contact with. Does Alice have a gran or auntie that you could encourage her to talk to (if she wants to?)
I'm sure that there are lots of people out there that will disagree, but I honestly think that I was born this way, and will always be like this. The most important thing that I have learnt is to accept that this is what I am like, and to discover ways to cope. BUT THAT THE PANIC/ANXIETY IS ONLY A PART OF ME. And that I have lots of redeeming features. This must be true, because I have lots of friends who love me lots, and who just completely ignore my neurosis. If I don't feel up to going up town, nobody is offended, they still go, and ask me again next time they go up. If I insist that I have to drive somewhere and couldn't possibly have/give a lift, they let me.
Being like this has its advantages too!!! When we go anywhere, I always get anxious, and pack loads of things. Everybody (in a nice way) takes the p**s out of the amount of things I've got - but you can guarantee within one hour of arriving, at least one person has come and asked to borrow something from my excessive supply of equipment!!!! And we've never been camping and run out of loo roll yet!!!
I'm not suggesting for one minute that your divorce is the root of Alices problems, but that it could be a contributing factor. I'm sure some will disagree with me again, but I think you are right, if you know Alice has never experienced a major trauma in her life to concentrate on techniques to give her the skills to cope and accept her behaviour, not keep dredging up what has happened in her past. I'm sure Nicola has said that she didn't find the childhood regression helpful and stopped it.
At least when Alice looks back, she will know that you have done the most possible to help and support her, and with good support behind you, it's possible to do anything. I know, my friends have been brilliant, and without them, I really think I'd be a recluse who never came out!!!
Charlie
It's good that you have a lot of supportive friends with you. It's nice to see that you have a positive outlook on it and it encourages me that this will not hold Alice back too much for her future. Your are right it is only a part of you! I never knew anything about this before I came on to this website. Had my friend (Alices Godmother) not suggested it after seeing it for herself I would still be fumbling my way through it. She picked up on it because her sister who I have met many times over 10years suffers from panic attacks and I never knew!!
See - proof that you can be mad and still lead a normal life!!!!! It's all down to learning how to cope with it!!! And the fact that you have started helping Alice understand so young should set her up for whatever she wants out of life!!!
I have a reasonably taxing job, got 10 o'levels, 2 a'levels, play the violin and piano, have my own horse (now retired), have competed all over the country, am a qualified side saddle instructor, captain of the local pool team, secretary to a local cancer charity ........
Ok, so none of these make me Mother Theresa, but I thought it was worth mentioning, just to prove that having these issues needn't stop you having a life. Fair enough there are things that I haven't challenged myself to do yet - like go abroad on holiday, but I'm not that bothered, and spend weekends at rock concerts and bike rallys instead!!!!
I hope that you don't have to wait too long for your appointment, and that you start to gets some answers/suggestions soon! Please let me know how you get on. Have you thought about letting Alice read the site for herself - just a thought, but it might help her to know that there are other people out there who have similar issues, its quite normal, and she is not the only one.
I hope you are looking after yourself too, as well as Alice! You sound a bit more up beat, just remember to take time out for you!
P.S. Please don't anybody take offence at the use of the word mad. It's how my friends all describe me, but it's said with affection, and love, and isn't meant to insult or offend!
Charlie
I have considered letting her read the postings - I haven't made up my mind though whether it would be a good or bad idea. I haven't heard anything from the consultant as yet but the book 'up and down the worry hill' arrived this morning. I have just been reading it - it is a very good book but I would really like to find a similar book but about anxiety/panic in children. I think that it will be good for her and I wait see what she thinks. She is going to her Dads tomorrow so I am waiting to see how that goes - whether she may be calmer knowing that we understand a bit more I don't know we'll just have to wait and see. She is still very much led by what the time is - everynight this week she has been anxious to know what time I going to bed!
Glad you've got the book and are finding it useful.
This is only a thought. When I was younger and suffering I became obsessed not only with time, but also with food. There have been several periods in my life where I have been very thin (I'm 5 ft 11 and have been under 9 stones on several occassions). This was because I felt that as my mind was "out of control" i.e. I felt like I did, but couldn't seem to be able to stop myself from being like it, so I took control of something I did have a choice over - how much I ate.
Do you think that maybe Alices obsession with time could be because it's something she can control? There are very few things a young child can take control over after all, and how long you spend doing something, what time to be ready for, is one of those things.
I used to enjoy food, and I've never been overweight in my life, so there wasn't an issue with trying to "slim", just to regain control over one area of my life.
Maybe you could print off some of the postings. It can be quite hard sometimes when you're feeling low to stay positive if you log on and somebody has added to a section, describing the same feelings that you have, and then ends with, and I've been like this for xxx years, and nobody can do anything for me. They have every right to include these messages, and usually most people feel extreme empathy and sympathy, and know that just because somebody has been unlucky enough to have suffered for so long, does not mean that I will. I'm not sure if a frightened nine year old will be able to make that connection.
However, there are many many upbeat and positive messages. It may do her good to know that a wide range of people, men and women are just like her, and there is nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about. She just needs to try and stay calm, and learn ways to cope.
Sorry if I've rambled a bit - it's quite hard trying to express how I felt when I was eleven even now I'm a "grown up"!!!
I really hope that she has a good time at her dads this weekend, and that you get the chance to have a bit of rest and relaxation time our for yourself too!
Take care
Charlie
Dear Karen,
Here are a few others that you might want to check out. The last one is really for you both. It's more like a work book.
Cool Cats, Calm Kids : Relaxation and Stress Management for Young People
by Mary L. Williams
Reading level: Ages 9-12
Today's children are stressed. They need learning tools that are fun, informative and memorable to help them cope. Cool Cats, Calm Kids is a practical yet humorous guide to stress management for children ages 7-12
Don't Pop Your Cork on Mondays : The Children's Anti-Stress Book
by Adolph J. Moser
Reading level: Ages 9-12
Book Description
In this very informative and highly entertaining handbook for children, Dr. Adolph Moser offers practical approaches and effective techniques to help young people deal with stress.
Worried No More: Help and Hope for Anxious Children
Aureen Wagner .
I think shes the one who wrote the one you've got now. She's written quite a few.
How did Alice respond to the Up and down the worry hill one ?
Meg
Alice got up at 5.50 yesterday morning and was already working herself up in a state. She kept saying she wants to go but she doesn't want to stay, she wants to stay here but she wants to see her Dad. I tried reassuring her and saying that she should try saying to herself, I am ok when I get there she just has to try and take deep breaths and say to herself I will be ok. Not sure if this helped! Then at around 10am (being picked up at 12) she had diorrhea as usual was very very upset, I sat her on the bed and gave her the book and asked her to read it and then let me know what she thought. She seemed to understand the theory behind getting 'up the hill'. I asked her if she 'worried ina similar way about anything' Sh esaid that she worries about me! I asked her why, did she think that something bad was going to happen. She couldn't answer me. Anyway by the time that her Dad got here and he was very good and said that she could change her mind about staying if she wanted. But she was fine and stayed over. I have received a letter from the counsellor. She has booked ALice in on 3rd Dec, 10th and 17th and will review her after xmas if she needs anymore. It says on the bottom, SRN HV Dip Clling, PG Dramatherapy and Life coach. I am surprised that she hasn't asked me to contact her prior to the visit to get background info or something! I am going to call her tomorrrow and see if she specialises in children as one of you suggested. If not I think I may look around to see if there is one in my local area. The GP said that she was recommending one in Brighton but she is based in Findon (more local) Is there anything else I should ask her? I want to know how she intends to start, does she specialise in anxiety/panic?
So she' a State Registered Nurse qualified pre 1986 as then it changed to RGN
Health Visitor
Diploma in Counselling
No idea what the dramatherapy and life coach qulidication actually mean in practice but she's got plenty of real ones .The health visitor bit particularly gives lots of hope with the children experience. Sound good to me.
She'll not want to get a bias view from hearing it all from you first.. Alice is old enough to be able to do it on the first day plus she'll have had some information from the GP but will be happy to answer any questions I hope.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Well I have spoken to the counsellor - she seemed very nice. Alices appointment has been moved forward to this Thursday. She only deals with children. She told me to tell Alice that she is going to see a special doctor who only sees children and they are just going to play some games and get to know one another. She uses puppets,masks and other things alike, which is where the dramatherapy comes in! I did ask what Alice will gain from this and she said that 1st of all she needs to find out what is worrying her, then she can help her overcome those worries and give her some coping strategies for the situations she feels most anxious, not just for the future but here and now. Sounded good to me!!! After Saturday it just re-affirmed just how much she needs this. I have told Alice and she was a bit, are you coming with me I want you to stay but I said that I will come in for the first few minutes and then I will just be outside the door! I said I was too old to play games!! The one thing that I forgot to ask is how well informed I will be of what comes out of the sessions, will I be told what is her worry?
Well the counsellor certainly sounds like she knows here stuff.
It's reasurring that she is looking at both the here and now, and also to the future.
I'm sorry that Alice wasn't very well again this weekend, but I'm convinced that the support you and her dad gave her, and the fact you didn't pressure her, or try and force her to stop at her dads, I;m sure was one of the main reasons why she felt able!!!
It must be a great comfort to be able to express herself without being told off!
I'm sure that Alice will be fine. Of course she is anxious about going, after all, who likes going to any medical appointment, and it is much worse when you are being forced to face your fears!
Try not to get to hung up on knowing exactly what went on. I know you just want Alice to get better, and we all admire and respect the way you have handled Alices problems, and are getting help. But try and see it from Alice's point of view - if she finds it hard to talk to you and your husband for fear of upsetting you, then she is less likely to open up if she knows that what she says is then conveyed back to you. In time, once Alice has learnt to confront and control her fears, she will find it much easier to discuss her problems with you.
My mum still won't have it that part of my problem is her manner with me! Embarrassing though this is to admit, she can still make me cry with one of her comments. And I'm not a weak person - anybody else who said something that upset me would be told to do something quite unprintable!!! The reason that she can't see that it's her manner is because she never says anything that bad (she's not nasty ). It's a combination of my low self esteem, lack of confidence, and needing to feel loved, and my mum talking before she has thought anything through, only seeing in black and white, and "wanting whats best for me". I don't think not going to Uni helped!!!!
I have learnt to respect that that is how my mum is, she does love me really, and that there are lots of people out there who appreciate me for who I am and what I do. She is not going to change, so I need to "toughen up" when I am around her.
I'm sorry to ramble, but the point that I am trying to make, is that sometimes there isn't really anything there you can do anything about. Like me and my mum, it's just a "thing" that doesn't work between us. She could have a personality transplant, and I could have a confidence boost, and we may rub along better.
Based on my experiences, I would say that you are better off trying to get as much information on how to help Alice cope with her problems, than trying to work out who or what is to blame.
You are obviously a very caring mother, and Alice's father seems very understanding too, so maybe Alice is just like me - I had a happy childhood, with good parents and grandparents - I just "turned out" like this. Its part of my chemistry. My sister is perfectly "normal", but she can see what I mean about my mum. She just handles her better, and can cope with her Daily Mail reader mentality!
Best of luck for Thursday, I am thinking of you and Alice. Please let us know how you get on.
Charlie
I will most definately let you know how it goes. I really do appreciate your honesty and sharing your experience. I know that what you say makes perfet sense and I agree that if she feels she will tell me there is no point in her talking. There are still things that I don't tell my mum!!! But it is hard when you are on the otehr side of the fence so to speak. There is still a part of me that thinks myabe if I had done something different, does she feel different to her brothers, did working full time when she was pre-school contribute (as my mum has caringly pointed already as one of her theorys on the matter!!)but I will just have to put that aside and as you say concentrate on making the 'now' part of her life easier. Still doesn't stop her pre-teen tantrums though!!!!LOL I'll post on Thursday to let you know...thanks again, Karen
What a load of rubbish.
I shouldn't interfere, but please ignore anything your mum says (in the nicest way).
When she passes observations like that, just take time to think.
Which scenario would Alice prefer
1. Mum at home all day, depressed and watching Trisha. Not fulfilled, bored, and finding it hard to care for others, as don't care for herself.
2. Mum at work, happy, fulfilled, sense of worth, confident in herself, able to care for others as has good self esteem.
Ok, so it's an extreme view, but I am trying to make a point. I know some people are very happy to stay at home, and love being a home maker, but it doesn't suit others, and some people don't have a choice in the matter. They need the money.
Children flourish best if they are loved, nutured and cared for. And you can do that no matter what your employment circumstances. I have three friends who don't work, and they send their children to nursery so they can interact with other kids, develop and learn skills they couldn't pick up on one to one at home. Also, they don't find the school wrench so hard then.
It must be an age thing. My mum cannot see that happy divorced parents are better than waring, fighting married couple who hate each other, and spend so much time fighting their kids never get a look in.
I have a 50/50 split of friends whose parents split and those who havent and it makes no difference
Charlie
nomorepanic
25-11-03, 20:20
Hi Karen
You are doing so well and doing everything right. Let Alice see the specialists on her own and build up a rapport with them or she will never open up. She will tell you when she wants to but she needs to feel that she is control of the problem and getting her own solutions for it.
I wish you all the best of luck.
Nicola
(Hope this doesn't end up too long!!)Alice was up at 6am this morning - looked like she hadn't slept a wink. Picked her up from school desperately wanted me to stay in the room, I just said to her lets see what happens (to be honest I didn't really know what to expect myself) Anyway she took some background history from me. I explained that it seemed to focus on worrying where and how I was and wanting to be with me. She asked about Alices birth. Alice was 8wks premature and spent 3wks in special care and I left the hospital full time after a week to prepare for her coming home, but spent all day and most of the night to be with here. She has basically put her anxiety down to the fact that she hasn't 'bonded' and had 'attachment parenting'. I have found this very difficult to accept. I feel as though I have loved her exactly the same and probably more because she was so early and special. Nevertheless this is about her..... She wants me to hold her like a baby (cradle her basically) and look her in the eye and keep doing it until she 'gets it' (Her words!!!) then when she gets what she is missing then stop. She asked ALice to put an invisible cloak around me so that when I am going out she is to put this cloak on me and know that I am safe and well. Then I had to do the same to her. She has also taught Alice through pictures - one sheet of her worries (I was not told what these were) and then a sheet of choices and things that she enjoys once she is there. She made Alice throw the worry page away and keep her choices! She then taught Alice howto do 'anchoring'. Basically with her right hand she has to think of happy times and then when it is at it's peak of happiness she has to press her index finger to store the happy time. Then when she thinks of not so good times or one of her 'worry' times she has to press her little finger and then think of her happy times and move her worry to her happy finger (am I making sense?) so in other words turning a negative thought into a happy one. She wants to see her on Monday and she asked if Alice had any plans for the weekend that trigger her anxiousness. So we arranged for her to go to her Godmothers ( I thought this best as she has her sister that suffers and is probably the most understanding) for an hour and put her anchoring to the test. She is already tearful about it but has promised to give it a try. Once she has been there for 15mins and she is having a good time she has to 'anchor' that thought. Sounds good in theory and this weekend will see if there is any slight improvement. I have said to Alice all the way that if she is not happy or she is not comfortable then we can stop. I didn't even mention the fact that I worked fulltime - she would have had a field day with that one - I shouldn't sound negative I know, what I have reservaions about is irrelevant I guess, it's whether it helps her. What do you think?
Dear Karen,
Very NLP ish which can be very powerful. I don't know enough about kids using it though.
The anchoring technique is well used. Could take children a bit longer than a session to get it well anchored I would have thought.
There is data about SCBU kids having more issues in later life - It was surrounding the lights and sounds stimulating and starting off the anxiety, more than about the people bonding bit as I recall. It certainly had nothing to do with what happened once home.
Many adults also have a huge problem with not being loved enough - often by Mum. Even when they were.
About 10 years ago long before I knew anything about anxiety or mental health one of my then partners married camera men asked to come for the weekend and essentially proceeded to fall apart completely and kept crying for his Mum. He was 40 +. We did loads of talking and caring and hugging and he ended up staying a week or so. He them went home, soon after dumped his non affectionate, ice cold wife of 18 years and a year or so later he was with a very loving woman and has been totally fine and flourishing since.
I spoke to his brothers at different times who said that they had all had wonderful loving childhoods.
I think we all have different needs at different times of our lives.
You weren't hugely impressed with what she said but did you like her as a person ?
What did Alice have to say about it all ?
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
I was very loved growing up but I still have issues with feeling my mum doesn't love me enough - who knows why? Leave that to the psychotherapists[8D]
Emily
Thats odd Emily. I was loved when I was growing up, but I still don't feel my mum loves me!
You didn't sound convinced by which, which is a shame, as I was really hoping that your review would be positive.
How did Alice feel. More importantly do you think that it may have helped her. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter how sceptical you are about the techniques - if it helps Alice, who cares.
Strangely enough, I was born 10 days late, and had to be induced, and my mum had loads of internal and external stitches. So that may explain why she has never bonded with me!!! Any why therefore I have never bonded with her!!! OR maybe, it's just because we are two different people with different attitudes and outlooks to life!!!
I'm not saying there isn't some truth in this (and if Meg says there is, then there must be), but at the end of the day, I really wouldn't focus too much on it - after all you couldn't help having a premature baby, and premature babies have to go into incubators.
You love Alice very much - that is obvious from your writing, so focus on that, and don't worry about what you cant change. Hugs are nice no matter how old you are!!!
Stick with it, and I hope Saturday goes well
Charlie
Alice seemed to take it all in. When I got up to leave the room Alice jumped upand said 'oh don't forget your cloak' and threw this invisible cloak around me. There was no prompting from the counsellro, so she definately took that idea on board. I can't see her wanting to be cradled on my lap though, but as you say any cuddle is nice! The test will be tonight and 1st thing tomorrow in preparation for going to her Godmothers. But it is early days and this is only the beginning I guess. Alice never really said anything in the car. She did explain the 'anchoring' to my husband though. I was surprised at the counsellor, she was nothing like I imagined. I liked the way that she talked to Alice direct and didn't patronise or talk down to her. She was nice and Alice seemed to like her.
nomorepanic
28-11-03, 11:17
Good news about the cloak Karen.
She obviously can relate to that in some way so you should be able to build on it.
I do hate it when they say that it is all to do with your childhood etc as you can't change that now - you need to look forward. There may/may not be some truth in it but as others have said on here it obvious you love Alice very much so I would work with the here and now.
Good luck for tomorrow
Nicola
Well thats several positive things then!
Alice obviously believed in her, and if she can convince Alice she can control it, then you are half way there!
She obviously didn't belittle Alice either, or else she wouldn't have felt confident telling her dad - I can see that there are lots of ignorant people out there that would laugh and think we were all a load of nutters (which were not), so thats another positive thing. And she obviously wants to take action to make herself "better" which is also good. As we all know, you've got to want to do it.
Obviously I have no experience of cloaks of invisibility etc. , but hopefully Alice will be able to go and put her newly learnt coping skills to the test. I'm not sure if you'll be able to see a difference immediately - or if it will take a bit of practice, but hopefully Alice won't be any worse.
I think the really important thing for Alice is that she now has several grown ups, who have agreed with her that she has a problem, and are doing everything they can to help her to get better.
Best of luck for Saturday, and make sure you take good care of yourself
Charlie
Karen,
I've dug out several articles on premmies and their issues growing up.
I won't put them up here, shall I send you them ?
These are two quotes :
"These babies have very unusual experiences," he said. "They're in incubators; some are on respirators. There is isolation and sensory deprivation. We don't yet know the long-term effects of those experiences."
"It's a highly stimulating world of pre-natal intensive care, with all kinds of lights and procedures, and this can be highly stressful.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
If you could send them to me that would be great. Well I think we have both had a very stressfull day. Once again she was already getting in a state at bedtime last night. Then this morning she was already up and was upset. We left at 9am and she cried all the way there, she had cramps, felt sick. Just kept saying over and over again, I just want to be with you , I don't want to go.... It felt so cruel to make her go. But I just kept telling her it would be ok, her aunt understood and she had to give it a try. Well She came back 2 hours later , her choice. They made cakes had a laugh. Took her about 5mins to calm down but apart from that had a good time. She is watching Harry Potter now and she looks exhausted. I don't know whether she 'anchored' whilst she was there. I thought that I would leave the subject alone unless she mentioned it. I will talk to her tomorrow. It has been a long day for me let alone how she must feel. I obviously expected more than I realised but I though there may be a slight change. It is such a shame because she has such a good time when she is there and yet she has so many hours beforehand of agonising, fear and complete upset. I am going to print off some of the many msgs and advice you have all given me and print them off for her and let her know that she is most definately not alone and that she must keep going with it and that it will get easier. Thank you so much, I really do appreciate being able to talk to you all and know that I am going down the right roadsxxxxKaren.
Karen ,
So much of her issues seen to be all in anticipatory anxiety rather than situational . It may be worth talking to the counsellor to see if she would do a session specifically on that sometime. It may be to do with separation as shes indicated but it could also just be habitual now.
For ages after I'd really finished with major anxiety and fear , I would have anticipatory anxiety symptoms of nausea and churning when travelling distances even though I wasn't really scared of anything at all.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Karen
If it's any consolation, I still get butterflies and nausea and stomach upsets before I go out, and usually settle once there!!!!
I know you probably feel horrible "making" Alice do things, but please keep doing it. If you don't "make" her, she could end up like I did - too scared to do anything.
Overcoming this is very much a part of continued exposure - repeating and repeating experiences until your brain kicks in that there is nothing to be worried about.
I've lost count of the number of times I've been really ill before something - gone and decided I couldn't possibly stop longer than 30 minutes - and then been the last one to leave.
Please keep persevering with Alice, no matter how "mean" you feel. I have to be "mean" to myself all the time, or else I'd just sit in the house being a cabbage!!!
Could you make the visits to the god mothers a regular weekend thing?
Please don't expect a change instantly, it's a slow steady path back to "normality". Remember, we are re-learning things for the REST OF OUR LIVES, which is more important than getting her better NOW, but without the skills to keep it up.
(Hope this makes sense)
Please don't loose faith - you will get there.
Best of luck
Charlie
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