halfwayhome
07-04-08, 09:27
So, I've posted a few posts already in the "OCD" section of the forum, because that is where the gist of my anxiety is coming from, but.. tonight, I decided to not follow one of my compulsions. I was proud for about three seconds and then the panic set in. Then, all these new compulsions came to me. Like.. a million of them. And I started freaking out. It was a quiet panic attack though.. does that make any sense? Like.. I wasn't screaming or gasping for air or anything.. which HAS happened, trust you me.. but it was more that I was lying there, crying, and literally feeling like I was unable to move. My fiance (who is the target of my OCD right now. If I don't follow my compulsions, all of them, however difficult and confusing and whatever they may be, he will supposedly leave me.. according to my OCD.) asked me if I was breathing. That's how upset I was.
I don't know what to do. It feels like there's no way out. Trying to get an appointment with my doctor for ASAP, but in the meantime.. I don't know. I have some Ativan.. it calms the panic, but then it doesn't cause the OCD behind the panic and so I still feel like I need to do all of these things..
I hate letting it win. I really feel like that's what I'm doing. Maybe it isn't my fault, but it sure as hell feels like it is.. I really hate this. I am not one for self pity, but right now, I just feel like throwing a temper tantrum.. is that a bad thing?
I don't know what to do. It feels like there's no way out. Trying to get an appointment with my doctor for ASAP, but in the meantime.. I don't know. I have some Ativan.. it calms the panic, but then it doesn't cause the OCD behind the panic and so I still feel like I need to do all of these things..
I hate letting it win. I really feel like that's what I'm doing. Maybe it isn't my fault, but it sure as hell feels like it is.. I really hate this. I am not one for self pity, but right now, I just feel like throwing a temper tantrum.. is that a bad thing?