Help...

[halfwayhome]

So, if you have been reading at all lately, you have seen my 30748234 posts about my OCD and panic. But, tonight it got to an all time high. I was literally screaming during my panic attacks and kicking things and just.. I don't know. It hasn't been like this in awhile. I took an Ativan, and it's slightly calmer, although my thoughts are no better.

I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to describe what is going on. I am having horrible obsessive thoughts (well, really only one.) and must do these complex rituals to make that thought not happen (my fiance breaking up with me.) The thought is not rational, I recognize that. We're fine - other than the fact that I'm driving him crazy WITH my OCD right now - how counter productive.

My rituals are complicated and no longer "just do this". I have to keep doing things until they feel right and they hardly ever do feel right.

My panic attacks are worse and I'm not sure the Ativan is cutting it, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to ask for Xanax or anything, because I don't want him to think that I'm just desperate for the drugs.

I'm exhausted - I don't sleep because my rituals are mostly at night and I never feel like they're done, so I can't sleep. Sometimes I will manage a few hours in the morning. Sometimes not. I know I COULD sleep, but the panic would take over because that would mean not finishing my rituals.

This is a horrible time for this. I need this to be fixed NOW - I have exams next week. Advice? Thoughts? Anything? What do I say? What do I ask for? Help! :( Please...

[jenii]

i just want to say i am with you on the worrying the partner is gonna leave you. me and si have been togther for almost two years and yes there is stress occassionally, we have ups and downs like anyone but i know he loves me and wants to be with me. This doesnt stop me being scared though that he is gonna leg it. a few years ago i was engaged and with no word and no argument my ex disappeared, just text me saying he didnt want to be with me anymore, no explanation, nadda, just a few months before our booked wedding. this has left me scared if anyone will ever stay.

Talk to your partner, explain to him you know it is your own paranoia but that you are worried he/she is gonna leave. The likelihood is they will give you a clip round the ear, tell uhow much they love you and make you feel tons better. explain to him, as i have to my other half, this may come up again, you cnat help these feelings, but please bear with you whilst you sort them out. If you are gonna get married he has made that commitment that he is gonna stick with you through thick and thin and will always be there to support you. feel free to lean on him in those times.

[neptuno]

I hope you've seen your GP by now and hopefully sorted out some better medication to get you over this crisis.

You are clearly having one stress heaped upon another at the moment - with exams and stuff. I note that you acknowledgge that your OCD are inappropriate rituals, and thats a good thing - you know that it is much exaggerated because of all this additional stress.

Try not to think about what has gone before - no amount of worrying can change that BUT you can change what you do in the future. Make a plan. Write down what you have to do, when you have to do it - and then make a plan of action to do it. This would be really helpful to deal with your rituals. Make your plan during the day when you are not so everwhelmed with OCD. Then stick to it. For example, if one of your rituals is to check the door is locked - check it twice and then tick it off your plan. You will know that it is "right" because it is there in writing AND you will have checked it off so it will be double-right ! Every little step will give some relief to your tired mind and I bet you might even get some night-time sleep.
Be kind to yourself

[halfwayhome]

I hope you've seen your GP by now and hopefully sorted out some better medication to get you over this crisis.

You are clearly having one stress heaped upon another at the moment - with exams and stuff. I note that you acknowledgge that your OCD are inappropriate rituals, and thats a good thing - you know that it is much exaggerated because of all this additional stress.

Try not to think about what has gone before - no amount of worrying can change that BUT you can change what you do in the future. Make a plan. Write down what you have to do, when you have to do it - and then make a plan of action to do it. This would be really helpful to deal with your rituals. Make your plan during the day when you are not so everwhelmed with OCD. Then stick to it. For example, if one of your rituals is to check the door is locked - check it twice and then tick it off your plan. You will know that it is "right" because it is there in writing AND you will have checked it off so it will be double-right ! Every little step will give some relief to your tired mind and I bet you might even get some night-time sleep.
Be kind to yourself

I haven't yet.. I'm leaving in about half an hour and crazy nervous. :/

It's hard to make a plan, because my rituals are so messed up.. sometimes they're certain things other times they're other things.. totally unpredictable which makes them unmanageable. Sometimes I'll do one, and then it'll be like "nope.. not enough.. go again." over an dover again until I just can't handle it anymore and the panic attack starts. Then I run to my fiance who tries to help but really can't do much and then I'll take an Ativan which will calm me down physically, but not internally. It's a horrible vicious cycle.. maybe I should print this out and take it to my doctor...

[halfwayhome]

Thank you. I have spoken to him and he tries so hard to be supportive, but it seems no matter how many times he tells me he's not leaving, it makes no difference to my OCD/anxiety. I am sure that gets frustrating for him as wel, although he tries really hard. That's where OCD becomes counter productive, though, right? Ugh.

[jenii]

but if you are going through a bad patch he will support you the best he can, no it isnt always enough to calm it or go away but the fact he is still there to hold your hand really shows a lot, he clearly loves you very much :D