NoConfidenceMan
13-04-08, 14:13
Hi, I'm a newbie and I really need to get this off my chest. I developed my anxiety and depression when I was very young and in primary school.
My father was a drunken, abusive you-know-what throughout my childhood, and it gradually wore me down. There was no joy in my home, no love, only dread and misery.
He would taunt me, belittle me and constantly criticise me. When I stopped going to school, for months and months he would call me "gay" or "poof" or "fag" every day, all the time. No offense to any homosexual, by the way, but it was meant to hurt and imasculate me before I'd even become a man. Other things he said I shan't even repeat here.
He never really beat me, but the threat of violence seemed ever-present as he drunkenly stumbled through the door. One time he did throw a kettle of water on me, I ducked and it hit my back so I was okay.
My mother was weak and also a victim, so I've semi-forgiven her for letting it all happen and for her voice being half of the cacophonous shouting/screaming matches that were the soundtrack to my childhood. But it did happen, and as a result I became increasingly withdrawn, anxious and drepressed...
...now my father, whose name I renounce (I have already taken my mother's maiden name), is dying of liver cancer - a self-inflicted wound indeed...and I feel WONDERFUL, it is such a relief to know he's going to go. I haven't seen him for ages, and I don't think I should, because I think I would just laugh in his face. So am I wrong or right to feel this way? some people don't deserve compassion is my opinion, then again, I'm biased. Thanks.
My father was a drunken, abusive you-know-what throughout my childhood, and it gradually wore me down. There was no joy in my home, no love, only dread and misery.
He would taunt me, belittle me and constantly criticise me. When I stopped going to school, for months and months he would call me "gay" or "poof" or "fag" every day, all the time. No offense to any homosexual, by the way, but it was meant to hurt and imasculate me before I'd even become a man. Other things he said I shan't even repeat here.
He never really beat me, but the threat of violence seemed ever-present as he drunkenly stumbled through the door. One time he did throw a kettle of water on me, I ducked and it hit my back so I was okay.
My mother was weak and also a victim, so I've semi-forgiven her for letting it all happen and for her voice being half of the cacophonous shouting/screaming matches that were the soundtrack to my childhood. But it did happen, and as a result I became increasingly withdrawn, anxious and drepressed...
...now my father, whose name I renounce (I have already taken my mother's maiden name), is dying of liver cancer - a self-inflicted wound indeed...and I feel WONDERFUL, it is such a relief to know he's going to go. I haven't seen him for ages, and I don't think I should, because I think I would just laugh in his face. So am I wrong or right to feel this way? some people don't deserve compassion is my opinion, then again, I'm biased. Thanks.