How do i get my husband to understand????

[panicagain]

He tells me all the time that i wont be happy until i get a disease thats gonna kill me!!!:mad: Its NOT true at all, i DON'T want that disease thats gonna kill me, thats what i'm afraid of. He thinks i sit around enjoying thinking up all these symptoms. I wish i wasn't like this! I'd give almost anything to NOT be this way. I hate that people call me a hypocondriac, I hate that i stay home most days cuz i can't bring myself to go out, I hate that i'm always in pain, I hate that i feel that no one truely likes me for me i think they only like me to be around my kids or husband (i've got an awsome family), I hate depression, anxiety, ocd and whatever else i have, How Could He Think I Enjoy Any Part Of This!!! oops guess this ended in a rant:blush: sorry
Anyone else deal with this kind of thing?

[marie1974]

aww im sorry that you are having such a hard time maybe you should encourage your husband to mayb see this site or read up on the illnesses you have that way he may understand a bit more, have you spoke to a counsellor or anyone as maybe that will help you too, this is a fab site and you will get loads of support and make friends hugs xx

[belle]

Yep! I do.

My husband thinks that i am not agoraphobic...but...LAZY! Yes, i have spent 10 years in my house, not leaving it, because i am lazy. What a load of poo. Just to get out of "working" i would sacrifice this much. The fact is, i DO work despite being practically housebound. I have health anxiety issues too and that he thinks i am just pathetic and he says "there is always something wrong with you"...whatever!

I wish i could offer advice as to how to deal with your husband...but i don't know how to deal with my own :(

x

[jellybean43]

Wish I could offer advice too but I could have written that post!!!
My OH doesnt understand either. He tells me that i have had the results and they are all clear so what is my problem??He doesnt understand any type of anxiety----lucky man isnt he??Sorry I am ranting now!!
xx

[bluebell68]

Hi...... the first time i crashed with full on anxiety three years ago, my husband didn't have a clue what i was feeling... he just thought i was raving :wacko: .....but 6 mnths later he had a small car accident follwed by a painful back injury and teen troubles with our daughter and he deveolped anxiety himself...he didn't have a clue even when it was happening him that the dizzies and sickness, headaches palps and impending doom feelings etc were anxiety. For weeks he refused to believe it was anxiety, no.. he was actually ill ... but after seeing a doc and councellor he had to finally admit that he was suffering the same anxiety that i had been.... he's much better now and since my anxiety has reared its ugly head again recently, he has been really supportive and has a totally different attitude... in fairness he was never unkind the first time but just couldn't understand it at all... i really don't think that anyone who hasn't experienced it can ever truely understand it, which is why this forum is sooo good cos everybody can relate....
Best Wishes
:bighug1:

[jellybean43]

That is soo true bluebell. My OH isnt unkind but he just doesnt understand it ---and in all honesty I think unless you have suffered it you dont have a clue what it is like!!!
This board really is a huge help xxx

[KittyLittle]

Hiya

I had the same problem but its much better now I explained to my husband, I said things like remember when you were really scared at/when/because of (use whatever examples you remember) well its like not being able to stop being scared you feel that scaryness constantly and would love to make it stop but you can't get to the switch to switch it off or the switch isn't working at the moment.

It may also be that your husband needs some support too, it sounds like you have experienced anxiety etc for sometime and it can get too much for partners as well after a while. I alwys encourage my husband to still go out with his mates for a beer or two or even meet with them for coffee or visit them. He is going clay pidgeon shooting soon as well with a group of friends and thats all good for helping keep him feeling positive and happy.

How can we expect our husbands to help support us if they are feeling frustrated and miserable themselves, in order that they can carry on helping us we must make sure that they still have fun continue to do the things that they enjoy.

also EmmaS gave me this advice (see below)



:) hi, i would say that you have said yourself your husband is a good one? but not when you feel bad? same here! and for lots of members no doubt - one of the hardest things to do is feel bad and not hold it against our nearest and dearest for not understanding? the way i tackled it last year was to just stop focusing on what he said/did as everything was having an effect on me - he could reduce me to tears over something that now wouldnt bother me - its hard to remember when we are IN IT, that its us thats changed not them, so when we get better everthing is okay again? this is very hard to take but once you accept it things do get better - well it did for me :yesyes: this is not to say i accept BAD bahaviour, there is a limit whether you are anx or not, and i would say some people may be in relationships that are directly affecting your anx - but for me i had to listen to other people, and i had to really see the situation for what it was, just because my husband is not interseted in and has no clue about anxiety doesnt mean he doesnt care - his whole life revolves around the home so i dont think this is grounds for thinking he's rubbish? maybe try not to fall into the way of thinking that 'blames' him for your anx issues? take care, emma:flowers:

[slondon]

hi i am a new member too and am just getting use to everything. there is one clear thing here. we all understand eachother. nobody else can. well they can try but it is very difficult.
i am not married however i have been in relationships which have failed due to the guys not being able to cope with how my life can be. i fear death all the time and feel i cannot swallow properly. i panic and avoid going anywhere or planning. if i end up doing something it will be natural and not forced. i once had tickets to go to a big concert witha guy. i could not relax all day as the stress was building up and i was planning how to get out of wembley stadium if i was ill. i decided to pretend i was tired and wanted to rest. that guy didnt last long at all...........
your husband cannot understand as he has not got what we have. these attacks are triggered by something in our lives and we have to control it. it is amazing how other sufferers can console eachother but others will blame our heads which is kind of correct but it should not be ridiculed.
i have sat outside a and e every evening for nearly 6 months in case i collapsed. i cried so much. i cried due to fear and due to being so frightened that nobody would understand.
concentrate on positive thoughts x

[hazey-babe]

Hi,:hugs:

I know exactly how you all feel, as my hubby feels the same way. "I'm lazy and milking it for all its worth!!!" Yeah right. I've lost my career and another job, lost a lot of self worth through not working and a whole lot of wages.

We unfortunatly are at the point of trial separation which will happen on Sunday. We have tried to go to psychologists and Doctors 2gether but to no avail. Also been to Relate.

I am at the point of totally giving up on him as I feel that he can't be the right one for me. He knew about this when we got together but 8 years later still doesn't get it. Argh MEN!!!

Take care hope it gets better for you,



Love Hazel xox:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[louwilliams]

OMG my fella is the worst-He calls me lazy and says I use my "imaginary illness" as an excuse not to work. I get called useless, pathetic, I get told I enjoy being like this, I make up symptoms and blow them out of proportion for effect. the most annoying one is that i'm and "attention seeker" It does get to me, it does upset me and to be honest I believe I have gotten worst since i met him 2 1/2 years ago

Lou xxx

[slavetoanxiety]

Speaking as a man who has a wife that is understanding but does not understand if that makes sense. I think we as sufferers have to look at the impact our situation has on our partners. They often become involved with us during happier times and then our illness strikes leaving them with a completely different person. This is not to say that they should not support us (in sickness and health etc), our illness is as relevant as any other it just takes a bit more understanding because its symtoms are not easliy seen by others especially as we spent most of our time hiding those symtoms.
I would start gently trying to educate him, let him read some of the threads on this site. let him see that it can strike anyone at any time and let him see how widespread it is.

best wishes

Slave

[bottleblond]

I just want to start off by saying THANK GOD I'M SINGLE :smile:

I couldn't be with someone who treated me like some of you have been explaining. Just because we ain't walking about with bandages a sling or a plaster does not mean that our illness is any less real, infact sometimes i wish it was a broken bone i had because at least bones heal pretty quickly!

I have got such good support from family and friends and can't begin to imagine how all this brow beating must make you feel.

Please don't feel worthless or brow beaten, you are all lovely people with good hearts and if anyone wants to say different then just send them in my direction :winks:


Take care all

Love Lisa
xxxxxxxx

[Coni]

I wish I knew the answer to this one...I think its difficult unless you've actually been through it and felt the feelings of fear and anxiety....and I know that so many of my fears are so irrational that when I try and put them into words Im sure I do sound a bit crazy.

However I also find that having a partner who doesnt understand, and who is now sick of trying to understand (cant say I blame him) really just makes it all so much harder.

Thnak god for NMP I say lol!

luv Coni XX

[doodah]

I have to say I agree with you Coni! My ex-husband, wayyyy back in the 70s/80s tried his best to understand and support my agoraphobic ways but he just didn't "get it"! He'd have times when he'd be so frustrated with me (or maybe himself?) when we were driving he'd put his foot down and drive like a maniac!! Not sure if he was doing this on purpose to put the fear of God into me???:blush: I'm sure it must be so frustrating for partners not being able to understand what their other half is going through, and not knowing how to react etc.

We split up in the mid 80s - it probably would have happened even if I HAD been a full shilling!:D But, just to make you smile, my ex-husband was training to be a psychologist - and that's what he is today - aaaaaargh!!!!

Wendy xxxx

[menomum]

My Husbands just the same. He just doesn't get the whole anxiety thing at all. When i'm trying to explain how i feel his eyes just glaze over and i know that he is not taking in what i'm saying. Like someone else already said, he says 'you won't be happy until you've got something wrong with you'. Which is so not true. I don't really blame him as such because he doesn't come from a family who suffer with anxiety etc, where as i do. He is so strong and never worries about anything (except money) or lack of it. I suppose it does get boring to have someone carrying on like i do at times, but he forgets i have to listen to plenty of his old nonsense at times. They say marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution.

[panicagain]

Thanks Y'all for your experiences and advice:hugs: I'm so glad i have NMP to come to for things like this, your all great. I'm sure my husband is frustrated and doesn't really know what to do and i do feel bad about it. I think i will get him to come here and read some experiences and see how he reacts. I used to think i was the ONLY one out there with this problem. Long ago i saw a therapist and she had never heard of anyone with this problem so she didn't know what to do except to listen to why i felt the way i did, i stopped seeing her cuz she was starting to make me feel bad, the sessions started making me sound like a freak so i said that was enough. I was 17 yrs old at the time.
Thanks Again

[minihaha]

in my case my hubby has been very supportive in terms of my general anxiety - he struggles though with my day to day health anxiety - with me every day brings a new sympton and a new illness. Sometimes to his credit he does realise that a cuddle at the right time is all that is needed to reassure me and get back on track. I hate though that he has to have this built in radar to respond to my level of anxiety and i feel that sometimes i am inflicting my anxiety on him if that makes sense. We have been together 11 years and married for 3 and to be fair he knows we better than i give him credit and he does admit that some days i am just a nightmare and nothing he can do or say will be the right thing. I often lie in bed at night and wonder if the tables were turned and i was supporting him through the same worries - would i cope? I guess i am lucky in that it was after my first (and worst to date) bout of anxiety some 4 years ago that he really came into his own and supported me, made me feel safe and protected and loved. I had been back at work 6 months after a 2 month absence when he proposed so i guess he has seen me at my worst and still loves me for it.
There have been times however, when i see the worry and concern on his face - he has cancelled nights out, golf weekends away etc as my anxiety has got to such levels that i have really given him no choice but he has never complained. Without being subservient, i try to remind myself of this and i encourage him during my better periods to get out and about and have a life without me attached to his hip moaning about brain tumours and heart attacks !!!! xxxx

I do believe that supporting others through mental health issues can be harder than experiencing it yourself.

I wish you all well xxxxx

[Emira7]

Me and my partner have just gone through a rocky period that stemmed from my Health Anxiety.
He wants me to be the old Emira again, and he can't understand it. He kept saying over and over agaiin - I don't get it. To which I replied - guess what, neither do I.
I felt quite isolated afterwards, and so embarrased that I have Health Anxiety.

This site has really really helped me. I talked through it on here, and if I am particularly anxious I will go in the chat room, come on the forum.

Not sure if I have been any help, just wanted you to know that I know how it feels
xx

[sheba2]

I don't know if this is going to help or even be what you will want to hear but I have some personal experience from both sides of the fence so to speak. When I was young I met and married a lovely man. We were together for 2 years before we married and things were great. Once married and living in our own home things changed rapidly. My husband suffered badly with depression. He had had a troubled childhood and his confidence and self worth were very low. The house we were buying had serious problems and we were then going through the high interest times of the 80s so money was a huge problem. Over a period of time we had two lovely children but the responsibility of the home, work and family were too much for my husband. He gradually withdrew from everything to do with our life together. For many years I took on all the running of the home the looking after children, work and money. I hoped that he would get better and that things would improve. I felt terribly sorry for him and really tried hard to understand and help him. In time I began to suffer from anxiety and things were very difficult but we still cared about each other and we tried to make things work or should I say I tried to make things work I tried to be satisfied with the life we had in sickness and in health and all that sort of thing. Sadly after 17 years of marriage I couldn't try anymore and we seperated and eventually divorced. I still love him but I know that I couldn't live with his problems anymore. He understands this and we have remained in close contact. I have married again and am lucky to have met another lovely man.

However my anxiety has followed me and I have suffered really badly with panic attacks and agorophobia. I am so grateful for the help my husband gives me but I am also aware of how difficult it is for him and how my problems affect his enjoyment of life. I know that even with the best will in the world living with someone who is unable to cope with everyday activities is very wearing. I sometimes feel that it would be kinder not to be involved with a relationship but life isn't that simple.

Your post has really touched me and I feel so sorry for you and the others who are having problems with their other halves. I don't think there is an easy answer but I do know that this site is a great lifeline to me and has helped me come to terms with lots of my problems and things are getting better for me because of it. I hope that I can get better before anxiety ruins another relationship. And I hope that you too find a way to deal with your problems and are able to enjoy your life with your partner again.

[Gabby0124]

I am the same way I feel all these symptoms but everyone else thinks that it is all in my head including doctors and hospitals and nobody understands me.And its starting to ruin my relationship.

[daniellemarie]

hiya yes i go through the same my boyfriend says im ahypocondriac he is good to me most of the time his family think im deranged i should just get on with life your only depressed if you let your self be they get me so angry they dont no what it is like so who ever hasnt had it shouldnt make snid comments i would sowop an arm to stop all these feeling and thorts x

[Duckie]

I think no matter what working together is the only way to achieve success. It's a give and take kind of deal. I know that in my low points he has been there, and I have been in his as well. We love each other so much, and no matter what we will always stand by each other. That's a commitment based on each other as a person. There are times I feel like there would be a better choice for him out there, and I know he feels the same at times too. But you know, the good times out weigh the bad. And when it's the worse times sometimes they bring out the best.

I am giving you alot of hugs right now. I know it's hard to explain. Hubby knows I cannot go out to a group of people, he respects it. He understands and eventhough he askes me to try. I do try, but I run right back into the house in fear. And you know, he is proud of me for atleast trying. Right? That's what only anyone can do. Just like him, he tries too. That is half the battle.

Hugs hun. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Duckie xx

[KelzBelz]

My hubby tries to the best of his abilty to understand me but he doesn't fully understand i sometimes wish for a second that he could step into my shoes just for a day so he knows how i feel ( i wouldn't wish anxiety onto anyone). He wishes he could take it away from me and cure me (bless him) but he's knows it's not that simple. I remember asking him why he stays with me given what i can be like with my HA his answer is because he loves me and for who i am and the sickness n health usually follows. I'm with the rest of the replies on here show your hubby this place, get some info leaflet/books for him it may help.
All the best xxx

[Jeannet]

HI,

I am a new member but your story made me write. I truely feel for you. l felt the same way ever since I was 14 and now I will be fifty this month. (i did have some good times in my life) but they were always overshadowed by feels of disease and dying. No one believed me that I wasn't enjoying my pain, they all thought it was for attention. I was blamed when the family had to leave events early because of my panic attacks. Fortunely, I had a few good friends that stuck by me. I never told a guy I was dating about my problem because I was afraid he wouldn't understand and non of my relationships lasted long because I couldn't fake it. I never got married or had children because of it. What did help me alittle is I found books and phamplets about this condition and showed them to people who didn't understand and even though all is not perfect, they seem to at least know that i am not enjoying this. Many libraries and unversities carry this material. That's where I got mine. I hope the very best for you and we all on this site know that you are not making any of this up or enjoying it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Best wishes,
Jeannet

[Pansy]

So sorry you are going through a bad time.

My husband has never understood, and I don't think he ever will. I understand the constant nagging of impending doom, every chest twinge is a heart attack, every headache a brain tumor. I understand how exhausting anxiety is, and the sheer frustration of not being 'normal'.

I even come on here secretly because he would poo-poo it as being weak. I just see being on here as amongst friends with similar worries and anxieties. This board has been a lifesaver to me, I can tell you!!

I am in recovery, and each day is getting better. Now I am in a stronger position if I can help anyone at all I will be happy to.

Please send a pm if you want to talk. I'll let you have my e-mail and tell you what worked for me. Everyone is different of course.
Pansy

[george08]

Our husband/partner cant understand! unless it happens to them i dont think they will ever! My partner rings my up every couple of hours to see if im ok both mentaly and physically! i think he thinks iam completly round the twist! and his answer to every thing i have a bath you will feel better!

[shotokansho]

my OH tries to understand and is supportive...i can see that but sometimes i can see in her eyes she is thinking that im being stupid or over reacting to something. One example is when we were in a traffic queue going up a hill and she was clutch riding, a horrible burning smell came into the car and i instantly had a severe panic attack. We had a car full and i just had to get out...they all openly laughed at me!! I was then stuck in a multi storey car park all alone desperate to escape with my OH and her family sitting in the car thinking it was hilarious! I got back in very reluctantly and frightened. We then went into a shopping centre but my panic had set and i needed to go home, it was the only place i felt safe...when i told her she said "Why are you doing this to me"...
It was then i realised she didnt understand.

[Alexy]

Yeah i hate the feeling of people just looking at me and thinking im mad, i don't expect them to understand, but i also don't think its fair to just readt in a way that is pretty upsetting really:( Unless you are going through this, nobody can understand how real these things are :( xxxx