CONS
19-04-08, 13:22
Ok i have been mulling this over of if i should post or not but here is my problem.
At the moment my income support application is being processed and my mobility (lower rate) is £69 per month approx.
My psychology appointment is once weekly and i have to take a taxi or my anxiety will be through the roof from the bus and i would have to part-walk the rest of the way. Arguably my choice, arguably no choice.
The taxi costs £25 for a round trip (can you see where this is going?)
Sigh.
My psychologist suggested group therapy to which i have made an initial appointment in May. The group therapy is situated near the psychologists office but will not run on the same day.
This means it will cost £50 a week to do both.
Assuming my income support is awarded i will get approx £79 a fortnight.
At the moment i have a pre-pay subscription card to reduce prescription charges.
I waited 11 months from my initial psychologist interview to be seen even though im registered with the mental hospital as a self-inflicter (past not present) and have tried to end myself twice.
The last part is by-the-by and i feel i need both therapies, the more the merrier. However my last psychologist appointment didnt run very smoothly when i posed the question....
" so what happens after the 10 weeks is over? "
To which came " what do you mean, what happens? "
(anger builds up, how easy is that question?)
" i mean when its over what happens to me then? do you referr me? "
To which came " why would i refer you? "
(oh dear)
" beacause i waited so long to get into the system i feel that if im not feeling/coping better after the 10 weeks im somehow further into the system "
" well ????? if you think this is a stepping stone i dont see why you are coming here "
(furious now)
Thats pretty much how it went, not only can i not afford to go to these sessions that i feel i do need, i am being slightly initimidated by someone who holds answers to my recovery but does not seem happy to lead me in any direction.
Same day i come home and my heart starts pounding heavy, head goes dizzy, legs a little shaky, so i go to the toilet and stick my fingers down my throat (definately not recomended but bare with me). I was so annoyed in principle that my panic attack and axiety came from knowhere IN MY OWN HOUSE (reminding me of the old days) i said to myself "if my heart wants to race i will give it reason to race".
As soon as i relieved myself of the liquid that came up and brushed my teeth my heart rate dropped back to "normal" and i managed to contain it for the rest of the day.
The same way when my arm developed phantom pains for a week that i perceveired with for 4 days before i punched myself in the arm. "you want ache? here now ache", sadly again it worked.
Me VS Me (foolish pride and ego)
I DO NOT CONDONE MY BEHAVIOUR AS A CURE, THIS IS MY CHOICE, PLEASE DO NOT IMITATE WHAT I DID.
I have had panic attacks for 3 years and feel angry at myself, which i know is wrong and counter-productive, but this is my life and how my brain thinks.
Anyway to get back on point, financially this is almost impossible, i smoke (call it luxury, i call it necessity) and drink a bottle of red each week, to maintain some sense of a "normal" life.
Jesus i feel awfull for even typing this out but its eating at me.
Anyone else in the same financial boat full of holes like me?
Cons
At the moment my income support application is being processed and my mobility (lower rate) is £69 per month approx.
My psychology appointment is once weekly and i have to take a taxi or my anxiety will be through the roof from the bus and i would have to part-walk the rest of the way. Arguably my choice, arguably no choice.
The taxi costs £25 for a round trip (can you see where this is going?)
Sigh.
My psychologist suggested group therapy to which i have made an initial appointment in May. The group therapy is situated near the psychologists office but will not run on the same day.
This means it will cost £50 a week to do both.
Assuming my income support is awarded i will get approx £79 a fortnight.
At the moment i have a pre-pay subscription card to reduce prescription charges.
I waited 11 months from my initial psychologist interview to be seen even though im registered with the mental hospital as a self-inflicter (past not present) and have tried to end myself twice.
The last part is by-the-by and i feel i need both therapies, the more the merrier. However my last psychologist appointment didnt run very smoothly when i posed the question....
" so what happens after the 10 weeks is over? "
To which came " what do you mean, what happens? "
(anger builds up, how easy is that question?)
" i mean when its over what happens to me then? do you referr me? "
To which came " why would i refer you? "
(oh dear)
" beacause i waited so long to get into the system i feel that if im not feeling/coping better after the 10 weeks im somehow further into the system "
" well ????? if you think this is a stepping stone i dont see why you are coming here "
(furious now)
Thats pretty much how it went, not only can i not afford to go to these sessions that i feel i do need, i am being slightly initimidated by someone who holds answers to my recovery but does not seem happy to lead me in any direction.
Same day i come home and my heart starts pounding heavy, head goes dizzy, legs a little shaky, so i go to the toilet and stick my fingers down my throat (definately not recomended but bare with me). I was so annoyed in principle that my panic attack and axiety came from knowhere IN MY OWN HOUSE (reminding me of the old days) i said to myself "if my heart wants to race i will give it reason to race".
As soon as i relieved myself of the liquid that came up and brushed my teeth my heart rate dropped back to "normal" and i managed to contain it for the rest of the day.
The same way when my arm developed phantom pains for a week that i perceveired with for 4 days before i punched myself in the arm. "you want ache? here now ache", sadly again it worked.
Me VS Me (foolish pride and ego)
I DO NOT CONDONE MY BEHAVIOUR AS A CURE, THIS IS MY CHOICE, PLEASE DO NOT IMITATE WHAT I DID.
I have had panic attacks for 3 years and feel angry at myself, which i know is wrong and counter-productive, but this is my life and how my brain thinks.
Anyway to get back on point, financially this is almost impossible, i smoke (call it luxury, i call it necessity) and drink a bottle of red each week, to maintain some sense of a "normal" life.
Jesus i feel awfull for even typing this out but its eating at me.
Anyone else in the same financial boat full of holes like me?
Cons