CONS
19-04-08, 18:42
This is spawned from a post dennis posted today...
Im 29 yrs old 6ft and just over 14 stone, from the outside i guess i look pretty "normal" as my angst is inside. Tis the way. My 30th birthday looms over me and causes me to think of my life as a single person. Unemployable (for now at least, well for the last 4 years) and unable to go out into social environments without getting "the fear".
Before 2003 i was fine, could go anywhere and had healthy relationships every so often, often enough to feel secure about myself.
But what now?
There is a part in "The Office" where Tim talks to the camera saying something along the lines of "well im 29, i live with my parents and i work in the paper industry, so go ahead ladies form an orderly queue (cue).
Something in that hits home and hits hard (alas here cometh the chest pains).
My mother and step father argue continually and the 4 dogs we have bark roughly (no pun) about 4 times a day in unison which goes through me. Constant banging of plates, drawers being shut and doors banged takes its toll on me.
I feel trapped, very much woe is me, felt this way for over a year now and have had people i have had come close to me through chatrooms, online games and msn.
This is the order of events and the finality that came with them:
1. Talked with a lovely woman accountant from Thailand for 3 months, everyday for about 5 hours.
Conclusion - Her mother said our cultures were too different and she blocked me.
2. Talked with a girl 20 from Sweden for about 6 months, did the web cam, msn daily, made slight comitments but to no avail.
Conclusion - Distance and ever threatening opportunities by local men who showed continual interest. Now we talk once a month, if that, for maybe 10 minutes.
3. Talked with a woman from Kentucky, spent 8 hours a day on msn and on an online game chatting about EVERYTHING. She had mental illness and was bi-polar. She lied to me about a lover who she had been with later on this year (non of my business right?) but she told me " i only sleep with people im in love with ", i considered it a lie and we didnt talk for half a day. Lovers tiff huh?. We carried on and even talked about me moving in with her in the US. We had talked together for over a year.
Conclusion - she found out she had contracted herpes from the guy i was never told about in the vaginal and anal areas. At first i was angry because it was incurable, she got upset and we talked on the headset for hours. As time went on i realised i dont have it in me to go, at least not right now. She also got severely jealous of me visiting my only friend 2 weeks ago and became nasty with it. We now play the same game but dont speak to eachother.
and the beat goes on.
Sorry for the long post, tried break it up as much as possible.
I try my best to be a realist but hope is fading, feels like a part of me is dieing, dramatic but real.
This is my situation, i am taking steps to try better my sense of self and overcome my anxiety.
The struggle continues.
Cons :scared15:
Im 29 yrs old 6ft and just over 14 stone, from the outside i guess i look pretty "normal" as my angst is inside. Tis the way. My 30th birthday looms over me and causes me to think of my life as a single person. Unemployable (for now at least, well for the last 4 years) and unable to go out into social environments without getting "the fear".
Before 2003 i was fine, could go anywhere and had healthy relationships every so often, often enough to feel secure about myself.
But what now?
There is a part in "The Office" where Tim talks to the camera saying something along the lines of "well im 29, i live with my parents and i work in the paper industry, so go ahead ladies form an orderly queue (cue).
Something in that hits home and hits hard (alas here cometh the chest pains).
My mother and step father argue continually and the 4 dogs we have bark roughly (no pun) about 4 times a day in unison which goes through me. Constant banging of plates, drawers being shut and doors banged takes its toll on me.
I feel trapped, very much woe is me, felt this way for over a year now and have had people i have had come close to me through chatrooms, online games and msn.
This is the order of events and the finality that came with them:
1. Talked with a lovely woman accountant from Thailand for 3 months, everyday for about 5 hours.
Conclusion - Her mother said our cultures were too different and she blocked me.
2. Talked with a girl 20 from Sweden for about 6 months, did the web cam, msn daily, made slight comitments but to no avail.
Conclusion - Distance and ever threatening opportunities by local men who showed continual interest. Now we talk once a month, if that, for maybe 10 minutes.
3. Talked with a woman from Kentucky, spent 8 hours a day on msn and on an online game chatting about EVERYTHING. She had mental illness and was bi-polar. She lied to me about a lover who she had been with later on this year (non of my business right?) but she told me " i only sleep with people im in love with ", i considered it a lie and we didnt talk for half a day. Lovers tiff huh?. We carried on and even talked about me moving in with her in the US. We had talked together for over a year.
Conclusion - she found out she had contracted herpes from the guy i was never told about in the vaginal and anal areas. At first i was angry because it was incurable, she got upset and we talked on the headset for hours. As time went on i realised i dont have it in me to go, at least not right now. She also got severely jealous of me visiting my only friend 2 weeks ago and became nasty with it. We now play the same game but dont speak to eachother.
and the beat goes on.
Sorry for the long post, tried break it up as much as possible.
I try my best to be a realist but hope is fading, feels like a part of me is dieing, dramatic but real.
This is my situation, i am taking steps to try better my sense of self and overcome my anxiety.
The struggle continues.
Cons :scared15: