What to do?

[Bill]

I'm just recovering from a bad bug :eek: Been shivering, sweating, coughing up lovely stuff! etc Last night I thought I was going to collapse I felt so ill.

Anyway, there's been a case on the News where we don't know the full story yet but it reminded me of how I turned the corner in 2001.

Mothers who care for disabled children.

So often it seems social services fail them. Also though the mothers themselves feel it's their responsibility to care so they feel they don't want to be a burden to others and also fear their child will be taken into care.

However, when the stress of caring and feeling isolated becomes too much, just as happened in 2001, the mother ends up taking her own life together with their childs.

Having looked after my wife for 18 years, to a degree I can understand how they must feel. My wifes illness drove me to self harm and taking overdoses coming close to ending it all because I couldn't see any future or any escape. I felt totally alone with no support and no one even to listen to me so I ended up talking to the samaritans.

When I heard the case in 2001 when they both jumped off a bridge, I realised I wasn't the only one suffering in this way. In 2006 there was another identical case and now it appears there could be a similar case although I know the truth is unclear at present. I also remember a case not long ago where the mother took the lives of her grown up disabled twins because caring for them simply became too much.

I know it's down to social services to provide adequate support which is now what my wife and I have been receiving since 2003 after I pushed them to help us but these cases are still happening which is a needless loss of life.

When I was ill, I felt I couldn't turn to carers helplines or groups because I felt the vast majority of members were elderly. Also, I felt I didn't fit in because of my anxiety and so they wouldn't understand how I felt.

It is Absolutely Vital that people under so much stress don't feel alone and that they feel they have someone who understands who they can talk to. I feel there is a big loophole in the system or these cases wouldn't keep happening.

All I needed was someone to talk to or somewhere I could offload like on here. It's only in places like this that I feel comfortable and I feel perhaps that others in my situation would feel that too.

Sometimes we feel there is nothing practical that can be done or be offered by others but a simple comforting voice knowing that we're not alone I believe could be a life saver. I wish more people knew of this site because then maybe more lives would be saved.

The question is though, how does a comforting voice reach out to those who are suffering alone who are desperately in need?:hugs:

[chalky]

Hi Bill,


Glad to hear you are on the mend.
I see that 2 people have now been arrested in connection with that case.
Your question is a difficult one.In an ideal world,there would be an NMP poster in every health care facility but the true answer lies more in us being here,ready to help the newbie - for that newbie will be the Bill of tomorrow >waiting to help the newbie of the day after.
Just as Anxiety can feed on itself in a cyclical manner so can we grow as a Forum through that cycle.Ironic isn't it.
That is one cycle we don't want to break,lol!
Best wishes,
Chalky

[sheba2]

Hi Bill

Sorry to hear you have been feeling unwell lately. These bugs really seem to be horrible at the moment. Glad to hear that you are on the mend.

I fully understand how alone you can feel when trying to care for someone close to you. My son suffered from severe anxiety throughout his childhood and although I didn't need help in looking after him the problems that arose from his problem ie school phobia were really difficult to deal with. It seemed that the powers that be were totally unfamiliar with his problems and I felt like the only parent who was in that situation.

Even at the hospital his psychiatrist was as good as useless and his only comment was 'he needs to get in the real world'. There was no one to talk to and it was a very isolating experience.

From my own viewpoint and anxiety/agorophobia issues this site has been such a huge help in making me realise that there are so many people who also suffer and they in turn know how I feel. Like you I feel there is a need to get the information to those people who need it.

Wishing you well

[Oceanblue]

I hope you feel better soon Bill :flowers: .

I just wanted to say that you've helped and cared so much about people here too, you've been great !!

Remember everyone's here for you also, if you ever need to talk.

Take it easy Bill. x

[smudgie]

Hi Bill my friend

Im so sorry you havnt been well, thtas all you need.
Sending you lots of big:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: hugs.

Your question is a hard one and if I answered it i think i would block the systom with my response I could propbably write a book.

I dont know the answer Bill but all I know is thank god we all got each other now.

Take care of you
Love ness:hugs:

[hopeful]

Hi Bill,
Glad you're feeling better.There's a lot of flu like bugs around at the mo.
I feel so sad about the deaths of that mother and her disabled son.Surely some sort of respite care should of been in place to give her a break.It breaks my heart. I work with adults with learning difficulties and they are all individuals with their own likes and dislikes,their own opinions etc. Just like us in fact.The only difference is that they need support with their daily living as they find certain tasks difficult.I love my job, I get so much satisfaction from working with these people,they are lovely.

I too wish there was a way to reach out to someone feeling lonely,hopeless,isolated etc. but how can we if we don't know who they are?
We all found this site where we can ask for support, I suppose its up to the person to keep shouting/searching until they get the support they need.That mother though had probably been so tired in the end that she couldn't see anyway out.Tragic.:weep:
julie x:hugs:

[marie1974]

:bighug1: Hello Lovely Bill, i am sorry to hear you have been so poorly, there have been some awful bugs going around, i hope you are feeling alittle better now.

Supporting your wife like you do takes someone very special and you must love her very much shes a lucky lady. you are very right in what you say that sometimes people just want to let off steam for abit with someone that would understand the situation.

I am lucky too in having a fantastic hubby, i am glad you are getting some help and support now and you are doing a great job on here too in adviceing people :yesyes: :hugs:

[Bill]

:hugs: Thank you for all the replies:hugs: I've read them all with great interest.

Donna:hugs: , we don't always care out of "love". Sometimes we care out of pure "care" and nothing more. Sometimes also anxiety is a trap. I think this is why I feel I can empathise with people who are in places that I have been and to an extent still am.

Julie:hugs:

I too wish there was a way to reach out to someone feeling lonely,hopeless,isolated etc. but how can we if we don't know who they are?
This is true but there are those who Do know who they are - the doctors because these days Everyone who is a carer has to be identified because of the people in their lives who depend on them. For this reason, I get offered a flu jab because I can't afford to be ill!

The doctors of course can't reveal who the carers are but they Can direct carers to support.

Years ago when I felt very ill due to the daily emotional pressure and anxieties, I got a call from my doctor saying he had a newsletter for me. This newsletter was produced by a carers charity and within it was alot of information where I could obtain support including anxiety charities.

What I'm saying is although we can't reach out to these people who need support, we can put the support in places where they will find it in the hope that they'll reach out to help themselves. I only heard of this terrific site through word of mouth but I Know with Absolute Certainty that if I'd known about this site in the days I was selfharming and overdosing, I doubt very much that I would have nearly ended everything because I'd have met people like yourselves and realised I wasn't alone which is why I firmly believe that the more people who know of this site, the more lives potentially could be saved! And the proof is in the messages that people post!:bighug1:

[misterbean]

I don't know, Bill, I really don't know. I think that not being able to cope has, to whatever degree, an element of shame attached to it - stereotyped ones might be mother unable to care, father unable to earn - and a more universal one of being unable to ask for help or compassion in an area of life that is not considered 'worthy' of compassion.

An example - you work in a team of three and know that you will be swamped with work on a certain day - you come in early that morning to prepeare. One colleague phones to say that they have broken their leg on the way in and are in casualty, then the other phones to say that they will not be in because they are feeling frightened that morning. Would your reaction (no, don't stop to think about it) be the same to each?

My experience and that of others on this site is bursting with examples of others not trusting the experience, or the extremity, or desparateness of those who are at their wits end. Add the shame of the individual who, in order to fit in, has learned to pretend normality and you have a recipe for disaster. At its better end, this disaster might be breakdown, support, discovery and understanding, at worst isolation, more shame, death.

Part of your discovery, so it seems to me Bill, and as it has been for me, is that as we feel compassion for ourselves, we look around us and see more and more people 'worthy' of compassion. I would guess that ultimately, everyone is worthy, but I cannot get there - I still unhelpfully persist in judging certain distresses and methods of coping less worthy.. Call this compassionate understanding empathy if you like.

But as I started, I don't know, I really don't know. There is something in what you say, and how I have responded, that I just cannot put my finger on.

Martin

[marie1974]

hi bill, you are right in what you say about caring i read it and thought about what you said for quite a while. i too think this site is a must and more people should know about it, i am putting the word about because i believe although most of these problems on here are soooo common, people will think am they are strange and whats wrong with me and this site makes them see that they are not alone and actually this problem is quite common and i may make friends too.

just reading some of the threads on here have shocked me because these people have suffered for years and some have never had help or been turned away, given pills or have just felt they cant open up. sometimes not all of us need pills we just need a friendly face, a bit of support and some positive advice to help us to help ourseves, this site offers people all of that.

:hugs: as always bill you are a star

[Bill]

Martin,

As I've noticed before, you are much more eloquent with your words than me and that should be something to be admired so I can't see anything unworthy in yourself.:winks:

The other words that spring out are "shame" and "stigma". Both of these can relate to career situations where people still feel the need to suffer with too stressful workloads for fear that their careers will suffer if they say anything and as a result they end up too ill to do their jobs.

Stigma with mental health has always been an issue in society. I don't know why. Is it because it's unseen or because of the stiff upper lip mentality of days of old? I'm not sure. However, I do feel attitudes are changing and people are feeling more able to share.

I think we only suffer with shame if we have no one to tell us otherwise. Just as you say, "learned to pretend normality". I always feel I'm wearing a mask, only showing a smile when inside in the past I've been suicidal. Just as they said on the News, who knows what's going on in a persons mind behind their smiling exterior.

We are All equals. We all have our limits. None of us should feel unworthy or ashamed because of anxiety. It's only what others think of us that make us feel "bad" but it's only their ignorant opinions. We are all different, that's all.

An example - you work in a team of three and know that you will be swamped with work on a certain day - you come in early that morning to prepeare. One colleague phones to say that they have broken their leg on the way in and are in casualty, then the other phones to say that they will not be in because they are feeling frightened that morning. Would your reaction (no, don't stop to think about it) be the same to each?..........

.........It would depend on what the boss was like. If he/she has suffered anxiety then they would understand each reason "equally". If they didn't, they need to be educated and the only way to educate is through public awareness and training programmes.

If a boss can't understand so doesn't support their staff properly, they won't get the best out of them and end up losing a "good conscientious" member of staff. The member of staff will just find a more understanding company to work for so it would be the original company's loss. You have to remember that anxiety sufferers hold Good traits Because of their anxiety such as being conscientious, hard working, perfectionism and of course a caring aspect to get things right. All those things are traits to feel worthy about.

It's because of this sense of shame and stigma that people are afraid to reach out for fear of being judged by ignorant people who can't understand anxiety. If the person feels alone with this, they don't know who they can trust.

This site provides a window to people to show that they are not alone and that they shouldn't feel shame. It also provides anonymity so that they can get support without feeling self-conscious about what they regard is weakness about themselves. I think it's easier to read or post on here than it is to talk to a doctor so in effect it could be a potential life saver.

I used to self harm and take overdoses, and I used to feel ashamed of the things I did. I used to feel inferior and weak compared to others who appeared more capable. These more capable people would say to me they would have left my situation years ago....so should they be considered more worthy than someone who cares?

Since my bad days I've believed in being very open because only by being open can people see that they're not alone. If people want to judge me then that's their choice but I don't believe that makes them a better person than me and from what I've read about yourself I'd say you're "very worthy" too. I don't think I'll ever forget the first post you placed in reply to one of my threads! I sure did admire your eloquence!

Anyway, I just feel that if people don't feel alone, they won't feel so ashamed and more people could be saved. I wish Everyone in the world who was suffering with stress or anxiety knew of this site because I've never come across one like it so Nicola and her team deserve the highest commendation for their efforts!:yesyes:

All I know is I simply hurt when I hear of wasted lives through lack of support.

I can't really add much to what you've said Donna:hugs: except perhaps that this site should receive more national or international publicity to reach more people? I know it's on the Net but people still have to find it! I just hate the thought of more lives being lost that could be prevented.

What are your views Nicola?.......when you've time of course.:hugs: