Dealing with Intrusive thought - please read! [Archive]

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sunshine02

24-04-08, 04:50

I think I have always struggled with OCD (maily pure-O) but it has gotten dramatically worse since I got married. My therapist thinks it flared like this because I am transitioning in my life and have been under an immense amount of stress. I graduated college, got married, had a son, began my career and bought a house all in a matter of 3 years. She also thinks this came up now (the issues with my son and children) b/c of issues that I dealt with in my childhood. My father was so scared that I would think he touched me inappropriately that he never touched me at all (and made it obvious that what he was afraid of). My mother was scared my father WOULD touch me inappropriately and was afraid to leave me alone with him. She was afraid of anything dealing with sex and her children so even the normal things children do were taboo in my house. My father was obsessed with porn (b/c he and my mother had a loveless marriage) and would watch it in the living room when we were asleep doing what you can imagine right there on the couch. I don't remember ever seeing anything but then again I don't remember much of my younger childhood. But I was made aware of it when I found a letter my mom had written talking about it. I have always dealt with contamination thoughts (even before marriage). When my son was born 4 years ago I was convinced everything I touched could get him sick and kill him so I was CONSTANTLY washing my hands . . . so much that they were chapped, cracking and raw. Ever since I got married I have been dealing with even more disturbing thoughts. Its not necessarily one specific thought but more like this other voice (I know its not really another voice but this is the only way I know how to describe it) that twists everything I think (or want to think at least) into something horrible that I don't want in my head at all. Its silly sometimes but horrible at others. For example, one night I was lying in bed and the thought entered my head that I would love it if a spider crawled in my bed while I slept. This is crazy b/c I HATE spiders. They are one of my biggest fears. I spent the first year and a half of my sons life petrified that a poisionous spider would crawl in his bed in bite him while we all slept. I spent every night inspecting his room and the whole house for spiders. So obviously thinking I wanted spiders in my bed was the opposite of what I really wanted. But that thought was easier to dismiss b/c thinking it did't make me feel like a horrible person. I began having panic attacks when this voice turned these thoughts to involve children (i feel horrible even writing that) b/c that is my biggest fear . . . that I would ever harm a child b/c I would NEVER NEVER NEVER do such a horrible thing. Logically I know that! I have had so many normal (horrified) gut reactions in the past when faced with those issues so logically I know thats not who I am. Even the thought of someone doing something to my son enrages me and makes me ill. And I know that the fact that these thoughts cause me so much anxiety and distress just proves even more that its not who I really am but just my biggest fear. But I can't seem to get past the fact that those thoughts even enter my head. Logically I know these thoughts are unfortunately common among OCD sufferers but I still can't get past the fact that they even enter my head. I have read so many times to not fight the thoughts and just remind yourself that they are just thoughts and that I know I would never do them but when I try to do that, that little voice pops up and makes it like I am accepting the thoughts as ok thoughts to have thereby making me a horrible pedophile. How do I combat this? How can I make myself feel the logic I know is in my head? For those of you with success battling these horrible thoughts how do you get past the fact that just because you had the thought doesn't mean you are a bad person?

bexy1970

24-04-08, 09:18

oh hun,
poor you, its horrid isnt it? i had these exact horrid thoughts hunni last year, after i lost my dad suddenly, they terrified me and like you was soooo embaressed to tell neone what these horrid (thoughts) (voice) which isnt a voice at all!!!!! were but thats how i thought!! it really is anxiety, when i posted here last year another lady had the same thing, i think its cos we love our family etc sooo much its a fear of ne harm ever happening to them and our responsibility to look after them. i just started to tell my thoughts to bugger off!! and try to laugh at them. ive been betta since goin back to work as my mind occupied, i have more health anxiety now. but please they are just THOUGHTS!! and as i was told once we cant suddenly go crazy as we wouldnt worry bout it!! it will get betta and your definately not alone with this..just shout at them when they come into your head babe!!!! a real big yell (if your on your own lol) becca xxx

Zingara

28-04-08, 10:37

I remember the first time I suffered from unwanted thoughts. I was fourteen and being badly bullied at school. Out of nowhere one day I had the most intense intrusive thoughts which, like yours, had a sexual theme. I was utterly terrified, so frightened I wanted to die. Since then this has been a problem on and off for years, I have had desperate battles with horrible and bizarre thoughts, often involving things that are completely alien to me, things that I would never want to happen. There is a book on this subject which has helped me more than I can say. I don't know if you have read it, if not, I would heartily recommend it. It is called 'Obsessional Thoughts and Behaviour' by Frederick Toates. He is a psychologist who is also an OCD sufferer. The book was a revelation to me as it finally helped me to understand what was happening to me. I have been in your place, please let me help if I can as I know what you are going through.

charmain24

29-05-08, 22:15

im so glad i have read your posts as i have also been thinking these horrible negative thoughts as a child i was sexually abused by a member of family at the age of 7.i grew up very quickly and i never thought of it much i then had my first son and never felt uncomfortable looking after him. it was then when another member of family came bak into my life last year that it all got dragged back up of my childhood. i thought i could deal with it. i then had a second child another lad and there was real pressure of breastfeeding and i could not do it i felt like i would be making my child mess with me so i decided to bottle feed. the one day i was talking to my friend about my childhood and it esculated from there i said to her they say those that were abused abuse again and i started stressing that i had the same blood group as him.and that meant i was like him but im not im really not but u get a little voice popping in ur head telling u different ! i love me kids and would never hurt my kids i just wish these distressing thoughts would pop back out my head so i can lead a normal life.cos this is really making me ill please can someone help me am i really going mad? do these thoughts ever go away i also suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and these disturbances are kicking them in is this ocd related?or is it my past haunting me?

Biddy

08-06-08, 22:45

Hiya,

Thank you for posting about intrusive thoughts.
For years I have been having and fighting really horrible thoughts, I have never told anyone about them and didn't even realise they were intrusive thoughts until joining this site.
I'm not ready to speak about them just yet but thank you so much as I know I am not alone.

:unsure:

tector

13-11-09, 13:30

I seem to have a similar situation but mine have only just started in the past couple of years since my mum died of cancer. The first was as soon as she told me she had cancer, i had visions of the future (dying in bed, funeral etc)
The second was i had a throat swelling. I was convinced i had cancer and had all the visions of me dying, leaving my family,after effects etc. The third was my fiance had a cervical cancer scare. I then kept picturing her dying, me with the kids, how i was going to cope .The latest and most scariest one is at the most inappropriate time (need i say more) i had a flash picture in my mind of gay oral sex. It was of no one specific and dissapeared as quickly as it appeared. I love my fiance and family very much and have a very healthy sex life with her. Ever since that day, i keep thinking about it and questioning myself. I am not attracted to males at all and consider myself to be hetrosexual. I have been to the doctors and he said it was just a silly thought and it should go away with time. He diagnosed me 10mg citalopram to help. Has anyone else had similar situation or understand how i am feeling?

Maj

13-11-09, 15:33

Ocd and intrusive thoughts to me are the most repugnant, tormenting part of anxiety and/or depression. As Dr Claire Weekes says: the sufferer follows the pattern of their thoughts to the bitter end, determined to find out the worst......... How mad can they be?!! She explains it perfectly. Acceptance of why you do this helps towards recovery, but I think that an anti-depressant can be of great benefit with this problem. Sorry if I keep repeating this on posts but I really feel for anyone with intrusive thoughts as I had them myself before and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I can remember my thoughts and they mean nothing to me now. I promise you that you can recover.:flowers:

tector

13-11-09, 17:49

riawads3

14-11-09, 16:57

it makes me feel so much better that I am not the only one who suffers with these awful horrid thoughts... they really are the worst thing Ive ever encountered. But if we just remeber that we are not the only ones in this situation, that were all in it together I think things will gradually get better :) . im so glad i discoverd this site!:)