Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

[mustard_123]

I have an online friend. Something always seems to be bothering me and getting me down about this 'friendship' yet i am totally obsessed with the guy and the idea of having a great offline friendship with him. He knows i want to meet offline and he insists we will meet when he is ready. It's been over 3 years now that we've known each other and i think if we were going to meet we would have by now. He has a myspace page which is set to private and i am not allowed to be on his friends list and see the page. The reason for this is that he has a girl he speaks to who he is obsessed with the way i am with him and he uses it to speak to her. He doesn't know that i know this and that i've seen her myspace profile so he continues to lie to me. Now part of the reason why he isn't ready to meet he claims is because he is not confident enough to meet people yet having been housebound apparently with agoraphobia for a number of years. But he is getting out more now and has met up with the girl once. on a message on her myspace wall he speaks about meeting her again when he gets his college date through. I think this means that he plans on going to a college near her and moving up there to be near her to 'hang out'

This is all none of my business perhaps BUT the thing that is making me angry is the lying that seems to be happening here, or at least the not giving me the whole story. He tells me he isn't ready to meet people yet but at the sametime he is making plans to meet up with someone else and to attend college. I wonder what he would say if i told him i have seen these posts. After all this time we been friends i feel i deserve some honesty from him. If he wants to meet other people that is his business but if he never intends to meet me he should be honest and tell me not keep stringing me along when he knows how important it is to me. I am wondering what he is getting out of all this. But it seems clearer than ever now that he has little regard for my feelings about anything and that he doesn't want to be honest with me. Is it time for me to move on?

[Dave777]

Hi Mustard, I had a Ladyfriend until recently, I had to work very hard at keeping it going ...... just a little too hard.
A few years have past, I now realise she doesn't need my friendship, time for me to move on.

Dave

[SueBee]

Hi Mustard,

As hard as it might be, I think you know this guy is stringing you along.

Thats the trouble with the internet, you only know what that person WANTS you to know. I think you know enough and after 3 years if you were going to meet up you would have by now.

There are lots of honest people out there but they are few and far between on the internet I'm afraid.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but its best to be truthful :hugs:

Take care

[Lilith1980]

Hi Mustard

I'd be inclined to agree with Sue on this one. I think after 3 years he would have been ready to meet you. The fact that he has said he's not ready and yet is meeting this girl is in total contradiction.

You deserve a better friendship than this - at the moment its all one-sided and you arent getting anything back.

I think you should stop contact and let him get on with whatever he is doing - you will find better people out there hun :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[jo61]

I agree Mustard. If he won't even let you into his social network alarm bells should be ringing. Sounds like excuses and fobbing you off to me
:shrug:

[pompey]

Hi mustard

i tend to agree with everyone on this.

I think maybe its time for you to sit off a bit, maybe not move away from the friendship for the moment because you are obviously very close to him. I think that maybe its time to make new friends and i think that you are already on the way to wanting to do this by talking to us.

Its obvious that you are a great friend because 3 years is a long time so you will have no problem with this.

i had an online female friend and we became very close, then one day she told me that she had been talking to someone else and she did not think it was fair on him if she continued talking to me. Ok it happened and we both moved on. At first it did hurt but i did convince myself that it was only an online relationship, (we had never met as she was from Australia).

The chat site i met her on was called 'paltalk' i was an admin in one of the rooms so i kinda just went quite for a time, sat off.

As in any chat room or site you will meet both nice ppl and ppl who just abuse your friendship, players as they are called. When i met my female friend it only started out as friends, i have never gone into a chat room for any other reason than to make new friends, this time it went a little further but there is always the chance of this happening.

The one thing a chat room allows you to do is be yourself and that makes it exciting, you my friend have done this for 3 years and its obvious from reading your words that you are very genuine. However your friend seems to be a little aprehensive on things, there could be many reasons for this and i am not here to judge him.

I feel it is time for you to move on, i know it wont be easy for you but what i can promise you is that in a few weeks time you will feel better and be enjoying your new opportunity to make new friends, friends who will not play with your emotions.

I wish you all the best
pompey

[FreeFalling]

Hi there,

I also agree with the others. Plus it seems as though your intuition or as they say here in the States
" Your gut feeling " is telling you the right thing about this guy.

Don't let him take advantage of you any longer, you sound like a very nice person and you deserve to be treated with respect .

Take good care :flowers:
~Rebecca

[mtatum4496]

Online or offline, there are always situations where people do not engage in full disclosure for one reason or another. The reasoning behind your online friend's actions really isn't that important - but the end result of those choices is very important.

The time and energy you have invested in this friendship can better be utilized to care for your needs, and also to cultivate friendships offline and online with people who will enrich your life, rather than limit it. I'm with everyone else here - wish him well, cut him loose and find a new friend who will appreciate you for all you have to offer.

[mustard_123]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm really totally obsessed with this guy and its making my life a misery. I can't function properly i'm just focused on him all the time. I'm sick of waking up every morning and thinking about him all day. It's taken over my life and i want it to stop. I don't know what to do. i went to see a doctor who sent me for an assessment for CBT and they said i wasn't suitable for it. I've had counselling which only helps for a short time. i talk things thru and i feel a bit better for a few hours for getting it off my chest, but then it doesn't last. I have tried getting offline more and going out more. I have been speaking to him much less lately. But it isn't really helping. I still have the urge to speak to him constantly. I want to move on and be happy and meet proper friends and not keep clinging onto this guy. Its never going to get any better with him, its never going to progress further than it has i realise that now. I always kinda knew but i cling onto the hope that i was just being paranoid and insecure but lately i've been realising that my concerns are reality.

But the facts are that he knows how attached i am to him and he has been allowing me to believe that we will be mates offline. i have given him plenty of opportunites to tell me honestly if we are never going to meet and he has said we will. I think he is just using me and this whole situation to his advantage. He probably thinks that i am cool enough to chat to online to pass a few hours and maybe he likes having someone there who likes him so much. And he knows that i want to meet so each time i bring it up he lets me believe it will happen. I wonder if when the day comes when he doesn't need me to help entertain him anymore that i will be cut out and left sitting in despair [even more so than i am already that is] . But i would much rather get out now and be the one to cut him out and move on first.

The whole thing is wrong. I know it, everyone i ever speak to about this knows it. No one has a single postive thing to say about the whole thing. I know he will never be the great friend i want him to be. I want this nightmare to end. I'm hurting myself more than he is hurting me because at the end of the day it is up to me to change things for myself. Its my life, my mind, my obsession and its down to me and me alone to take control and deal with it. But it doesn't change the fact that he has been stringing me along which is a very cruel thing to do. Even he himself says he can't see what it is i think is so great about him. i have put so much into being friends with this guy and i get nothing back.

It's time to move on but how do i do that? I just don't know how i can do it. How do you move on from an obsession that has taken over and is running [and ruining] your life? It's time i stopped talking about him and focused on me. This whole obsession is dragging me down and preventing me from meeting people who i could have something so much better and real with. I want someone to hug me and make me laugh and to care about me as much as i do them.

[mtatum4496]

Mustard, this may help you.

At times in my life when it was absolutely necessary that I let something go for my own good, I have set little goals on the way to eventually doing that. Using your situation with your online contact as an example, what would happen if you set a goal to not talk to him anytime tomorrow morning? And once the morning was over, set a goal to not interact with him tomorrow afternoon?

And during these periods, fill your time with other things, such as writing a note to an old friend you have not seen in awhile or making a telephone call to a friend or relative.

Letting to is very hard to do. But if you can move away an hour at a time, and find other activities to fill the time you normally would spend interacting with this person online, it will become a little easier as you go along. Be patient with yourself, but be sure that you take a couple of steps forward each day, even if they are simply baby steps.

[SueBee]

Hi Mustard,

You know you deserve to be treated better than this, you'd not be so upset about it otherwise.

As you said before - how would you feel if he decided to cut contact? You need to take control of the situation rather than it controlling you. You'll feel far stronger knowing it was your decision to break contact, or at least cut down on the contact. It will be difficult, maybe painful to start with but its something you need to do in my opinion.

Hope it works out for you, take care

[ladygrom]

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_12_170.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm860YYGB) http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_33_4.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm860YYGB) hi i totaly agree with the others i think this guy is stringing you along tc xx





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[happyone]

I think there could also be an element of this guy is not so much as stringing you along, but doesn't know how to make the break. It is maybe easier for him to say to you "yeah we will meet one day" as he doesn't want to be responsible for your heartbreak if he callously says "look here, there is no way we are going to meet, ok?"
I don't know if that helps any, but at the risk of sounding harsh, at your own admittance, it is largely your obsession that is the problem here. I agree with Suebb YOU have to be the one to make the break cos he just isn't going to do it....for whatever his reasons may be.
Good luck
Happyone

[pompey]

you know since my first reply regarding this post I have spent time thinking about my answer. What I did tend to do was jump in unfairly without looking at both sides. The end result is still the same I do think that ties should be cut and I think doing it slowly would maybe do you more harm than good. Always remember as in any of my replies to posts that they are only my opinion you have to do what you think is right for you.
If there was only one alternative to him wanting to be your friend then the meet would have taken place a long time ago. There are so may ppl who join chat rooms for sexual needs, your friend is not one of those.
If however you became friends and you felt the relationship was closer than just friendship then the conversation and everything around it would ultimately change, you have not mentioned if the words ‘I love you’ are used in your daily chat. There may be the chance that you have fallen deeply for your friend, this believe me is so very easily done. On the other hand he may not have the same feelings for you as you have for him, but not wanting to hurt you or your friendship he has gone along with you and showered you with the feelings and the words you want to hear.
He has not tried to stop the friendship/relationship because as a friend he loves you and respects you, this may not show because you want so much more from him. I think he may not want to meet you offline because the relationship as it is right now is all he wants, but by telling you that he feels he would hurt you so much.
The reason he may not want you to visit his myspace page is because again he knows that if you did visit then you would see things that would hurt you, again something that he does not want to do. If I am right about all this then I think that this is hurting him because he does not want to lose your friendship.
The lies which you mention well that is a horrible thing and it is hurtful. If he is lying because he does not want to hurt you, that sounds stupid but it really does happen. If he were to say to you, “ive met a friend and she is a female, I have met her and we get on great” how would you react to that.
The one thing he should have done from the start is be honest with his feelings for you, but you know that is so easy to say, maybe over time his feelings changed but he felt guilty for this and again did not want to hurt you.
I hate when friendships end especially after such a long time and especially in these circumstances but end it must because you are hurting so much. Please try and end it as painless as possible, remember the friend you met not the friend you lost, also remember it is going to be hard for both of you because you are both loosing someone very close.
But you will move on mustard and you will learn so much from this. Its obvious by the way you write and the feelings you show that you have got so much love to give and there is someone out there waiting for you to come along.
I wish you all the best and I hope you find everything you are looking for.
Pompey x

[mustard_123]

Thanks everyone for the fantastic replies but i'd especially like to thank pompey for that very thoughtful reply.

I would like to think there is nothing malicious in the lies etc but its hard to know for sure. I do know that he obviously does like talking to me. Other people that he didn't like or he found them annoying he would block and delete them but he kept me all this time. Also lately i have been leaving it for him to speak first on the few occasions we have spoke lately and he has been speaking first, which again would seem to show that he does want to talk to me otherwise he needn't bother making the first move. It was always always me who spoke first before but that was because i never gave him the chance i always grabbed him as soon as i saw him because i didn't want to give him the chance to log out again lol but i decided to back off and let him speak first for a change.

Cutting him out and moving on will be hard but tbh i've been wanting to do it for a longtime now because deep down i feel its the right thing to do. I've taken him off my msn a number of times now - and then put him back on again a few hours later! I know if i got rid and stuck to it it would get easier with time but its getting thru that initial phase that is so so tough. But i have to do it because i can't live with this obsession anymore.

[Lilith1980]

Hey hun

I think you are doing the right thing - the best thing would be to delete and block him from your MSN.

Like Pompey says, you have so much love to give someone that will reciprocate. You'll be fine hun but remember you can always come on here if you need advice :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[samc100]

Mustard - I don't think this guy is mean and nasty... I think he's using you as an insurance policy.. His focus is the other girl. But you are there in his life to remind him he's liked by others - you are a brilliant ego boost.

But even if his 'situation' with the other girl fell into complete disaster - I sadly think he'd not be asking you to step up and be his romantic interest. I think he'd fixate on someone else.... But he'd like you still there to boost his ego.

He's not being truthful with you and you do deserve honestly. I agree with all those saying it'd time to cut ties with him. Find new on-line mates - there are decent people out there who enhance your life, not wreck it.

Hugs - cos' it will be hard cutting the ties but as Lilith says - we are here and we can hold your hand when it's hurting and tough.

[mustard_123]

Hello everyone, just a quick update on this. I confronted the guy about the lies and stuff and he told me that he can't handle my obsessiveness I admitted that i'm obsessed but i said that i feel that it has suited him at times and that he has played with my emotions and that the lies haven't done much to ease my anxiety. He said he was sorry for lying. He also said that he felt that for my own good it would be best for me to move on from him. We had that final conversation a week ago but then after that neither of us took the other off our contact list! So over the last week i've been logging in and hes been on but neither of us has spoken. I've been desperately wanting to speak to him but i can't think of anything to say. After that final convo i don't think there's a way forward and i know that all the time he is still there i'm not gonna be able to move forward. So tonight i have blocked and deleted him. I've done this before and not stuck to it so i don't know if i can stick to it this time. I hope i can. All the time hes still there i keep signing in just to see if he is on. So now he's been deleted i'll know he won't be there so i won't keep logging in checking.

So now its time i concentrated on moving forward. I feel scared and empty right now. I feel that there's now this big empty space that used to be filled up by the time and energy i put into that guy. I'm also worried that i'm going to keep on obsessing over him and that i'm going to contact him again and keep trying to hold onto him , or that i'll find a new obsession. Before him there were other obsessions. They all faded away eventually and something else replaced them. I don't want a new obsession.

Should i see my GP about a referral to a psychiatrist or something? I believe without a shadow of a doubt that i have an illness and i'm not recieving any help for it.

[Lainie]

When I get obsessive, it is usually because there is an inbalance in my life. Sometimes we do this subconsciously as a distraction instead of addressing the real issues in our lives. If you work on yourself and identify what is missing for you, your obsession will naturally ease up. My guess is that he is filling a void for you.
Just some thoughts....
Lainie

[Lilith1980]

Hi Mustard

Well done on taking the step to block and delete this guy. I think you did the right thing, this should help you move on and avoid the temptation of you getting in contact with him again.

Why dont you ask your GP if you can be referred to counselling and this may help you explore the deeper issues of why you have become so obssessed about this guy :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[mustard_123]

Hi Mustard

=Why dont you ask your GP if you can be referred to counselling and this may help you explore the deeper issues of why you have become so obssessed about this guy :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

Hi, i've been having counselling, it only helps for the 50 minutes or so that i'm there talking it through. Once i leave i'm no better off than i was before i went.

I feel awful right now. its only been a few hours and i am badly wanting to talk to him again. But there can be no going back now. I hope it will become easier with time but right now its unbearable - and its because its so hard that i could never stick to it the previous times. It's really really horrible:weep:

[Pink Panic]

Hi

Having been in a similar situation once myself i can sympathise with you.
Things will get easier as time goes on and as you make new friends and you will gradually forget this guy. My heart goes out to you. :hugs:

Pink
xxx

[marie1974]

hi there im sorry to here that, but my advice going on experiences would be confront this person and ask them wot u need to and if u dont get the answers u r looking for or they cant be trueful then, delete them out of your life block them and move on, i know its tough but i had to do this and i feel so much better now less stressed because these people i had on my msn and phone were old surposedly good friends but they werent really just 2 faced, fake, using me and not worthy of my friendship. hugs xxxxxxxx

[mustard_123]

In all fairness i can see things from his point of view. I can see how he would have been concerned and have found it hard to deal with how intense i am about him and how i have focused on him and become obsessed with him. Very early on i knew i was becoming like this and that further down the track it could cause friction but i choose not to do anything about it. The lying and messing me about hasn't helped but i can see that for the most part i have put myself in this situation. I knew early on that i was depending on him too much and that it wasn't good to be doing this and i felt that i should be doing something about it but i choose not to do anything, and that is why i'm in this mess now. And when he has lied and stuff i knew inside that he was doing it yet i let him do it and i let myself believe it would all be ok. My advice to anyone would be to act at the first sign that something isn't right. Don't just sit back and let it happen because it will become worse and worse until it becomes a nightmare. Nip it in the bud before it has a chance to take hold. I didn't do that and now i'm paying the price. Everyday feels like a punishment atm

Sorry for going on btw. Dunno if anyone else makes this many posts to their thread :)

[never2late]

Mustard, you sound like a very nice, honest and compassionate person. As someone who has been on this Earth for 52 years -- I get a pretty good idea from your posts that you would be someone wonderful to share a life with.

Forget this guy. An entire lifetime of happiness is waiting for you -- and I'll place my money on a bet that says you're going to find it.