Relationships.

[Mags01SP]

I didn't know exactly where to but this, but I thought it is social, so..

I'm 17, and the last two(and only two relationships) I've had have ended because of my anxiety/depression. Because of this I fear being involved with anyone in that way. I've talked to a lot of people and have done a lot of thinking over the last year or so, but I thought I might as well ask here.

Each time I think about being in a relationship or dating a boy I'm interested in, or if there's any chance we may get closer I get nervous, panicky feelings that continue until I'm distracted. They're not crippling in any way, just an annoyance and -of course - discouraging.

I am going out with a boy this evening(I hope, if I can get a ride) and I've been nervous/excited about it for the last two days. I dread going, but at the same time I am happy. But I couldn't even think about being his girlfriend without feeling worried/anxious. My other relationships ended because I panicked constantly and couldn't stop thinking negatively. Though I am medicated now, I still get some feelings.

I am friends with many boys, and just talking and hanging out with them never bothers me. It's dating that's always been nerve-wracking.

Which is better for this situation?

Should I try to date someone and just stick with it even if the feelings from before return? Or should I wait until there's no anxious feelings? I've been believing the second option for a long time, but I'm starting to think maybe the feelings won't go away unless I get more experience and more comfortable. But I don't want to just jump into something again and then it wouldn't be fair to the other person, etc. What do you think?

- Maggie

[Lilith1980]

Hi Maggie

Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to be what you think these boys want you to be?

I think if someone cares about you, they will accept you for who you are, warts and all. No one human being is perfect.

Relationships are about compromise, understanding, love, support - through good times and bad.

You shouldnt apologise for the person you are, you are YOU and this should be embraced - sorry if this is sounding very hippy-esque!

Go out and dont have any expectations of yourself or this guy. Enjoy each other's company and see where things take you ;)

Jo xxxxx

[Mags01SP]

Hey Jo,

All of that is very true. And it does sound hippy-esque, but that tends to be my overall thought process as well! I do expect a lot of myself, and never a whole lot out of the boy, haha. I know the guy I'm seeing tonight is a sweet person, and we share several common interests, but I have a tendancy to believe I'm not good enough. I've been better lately about that, though.

I would very much like to just enjoy these types of situtions, but I tend to find myself overthinking them and that's what causes the worry. I'm not sure how I can change my outset on the whole thing and just go with the flow. I have so much going on my life with my job and school, it's frusterating when I still find myself dwelling on something as small as boy-girl relationships. My mother told me I would be a very good girlfriend if I was just more careless(meaning, not worrying so much about the other person's feelings), and that made me laugh, but it's a habit. I'm pretty sensitive.

Thank you, though! I'll be sure to remember your advice.

[billywhizz]

One day it'll all just fall into place, and it'll be when you least expect it im sure. Just try and be natural and dont try to change for anyone, if it feels right then nothing will stand in the way.

[Mags01SP]

Thanks Billy, that's true.

Meeting up with the boy never worked out, any of our plans - for whatever reason. He wanted to, so I know he wasn't just ditching me, it just never seemed to pull through. Maybe it was better that way.. haha, I'm much less anxious now.

[lucy0927]

Hi,

I could have written this post about myself. I get exactly the same feelings whenever I think anyone's even remotely interested in me let alone when I'm dating someone. Mine started when I was 16 and I went on a date with someone I really liked and afterwards I got such an anxious and awful feeling I didn't understand what it was but it made me feel so bad I didn't see the chap again.

I'm now 25 and I hate to say but it hasn't gone away, it's got easier and I've dealt with it a little better but it's still there. I get anxious whenever I go on a date with someone, I still can't put my finger on why I do it at first I thought it was some kind of defensive thing to stop myself getting hurt but as time moves on I think it's just me. Last year I actually managed to find someone who didn't make me anxious, who understand who I was and what I was going through and they never pushed me. For other reasons the relationship broke up but it gave me hope that it can happen and I will find someone who I am comfortable enough to make my anxiety go away and who I can be myself with.

It's not easier, the feelings get overwhelming when you don't want them to. It's hard to control and sometimes as hard as you try its not worth fighting them.

If it's any help I still have faith that when I find the right person the anxiety will be worth fighting and I'll be able to be happy and move on. I believe you have to believe this or somewhere along the way you'll just give up. Have faith in yourself that your capable of beating it and try not to worry, at the age of 17 you have plenty of time ahead of you to find ways around it.

Hope this helps, please PM me if you want to chat further.
Lucy xx