i wonder what it feels like to be normal

[kashameets]

i don't post on here that often but i do read most posts.
the thing is Ive suffered from social phobia all my life which then turned in to agoraphobia so i cant ever remember feeling what id call normal.
it all started with me when i was 18 months old and my mum went in to hospital for quite a while, when she came out i wouldnt have anything to do with her for a few days and then became very clingy with her, it just got worse as i grew up, i wouldnt talk to aunts or uncles, hated play school and was told i couldn't go again as they had never seen a child so upset.
school was a nightmare, i never spook to my teacher for a year, they said they thought i was just shy and would grow out of it.
secondary school was worse, i didn't go that often and the teachers just thought i was just bunking off not that anything was wrong.
left school at 16 , didn't work till i was 27 and then only lasted 6 months.
I'm now 33 but the thing is i read all your posts about how you hate being how you are and want to get better and well i don't know how that feels as to me how i am is normal, I've never known any different:shrug:
in some ways not being scared going out scares me as i wouldnt feel like me.
does anyone else feel that way?
is your phobia or illness kind of a safety blanket?

[misterbean]

Hi Sara1975
I hope that you might wonder out loud more often because you are asking some very interesting questions, at least one of which I am usually too scared to ask of myself -is my phobia or illness a kind of safety blanket.
Yes in a way I think that I do protect myself by my fears, but from what I cannot answer, though I think that I often protect myself in this way against things that no longer exist.
I really like the way you make the normal personal to you - you feel normal because that is the way you have always felt, yet you cannot ever remember feeling what you'd call normal. Its a contradiction that you live with, holding both at the same time. Well, its one thing that I do also, so all I can say is that some of my normality is similar to yours.
I'm so sorry that some of your early experiences, especially those at school, were so very distressing.
I suppose many of us speak of recovery, of returning to a place and time when we were different, normal, and I can see that that might seem alien and strange if you cannot look back to a time that was different to now. Believe me, it is not just about that. Many also speak of change, of moving to new and unexplored areas, fearful though that might be. I get some of that from you by the questions you ask.
Please keep asking them!
Martin

[The Fool]

whats does it feel like to be normal??? well im not normal i dont think anyone is because the defenition of normal changes all the time and for all of us this what we go through day after day IS normal its just us and i can say i am growing up im 13 and as my hormones are doing there stuff my panics are decresing and i am slowly becoming what other people consider normal and to be honest i miss it i really do i do sometimes think its a bit of a security balnket because i just feel odd now when i go out and dont have that tingle of antisipation and palpatations i no i no it very wierd and i no when my hormones do other stuff my panics are probebly gona increase and i wont like it im just odd all together i guess lol so to answer you question over all to be the defenition of normal to everyone else is scary unfamiliar i think as long as we can fight it so we dont all become alienated from the world well be just fine the way we are.

[kashameets]

very interesting replies:)
i guess we all kind of deal with things in are own way, i use humor:D
i use to dread someone asking me what i do for a living:unsure: i didn't want to just say i don't work as then you get that look:lac: like oh shes lazy, but then i didn't want to go in to whats wrong with me ether as id feel :blush: but one day i thought right I've got a answer the next time I'm asked so the next time i was asked so what do you do i replied i don't work I'm a nutter:yesyes: and then just sweetly smiled, :roflmao: and then they were :blush: and didn't know what to say.
my best friend also has the same problem as me and we always take the micky out of each other.

[misterbean]

I know the humour, a favourite of mine, recognise the dread and am familiar (only too familiar) with the shame. I'm interested that you dealt with embarassment by turning the tables - watching someone elses seems to be at least a little relief from constantly feeling it yourself, like having a break.

I'm really pleased that you have someone else there who understands.

Martin