Bill
02-05-08, 19:31
After 18 years of attempting to cope alone with my wife’s schizophrenia and since 2005 caring for my mother too whilst the rest of the family live miles away, I feel I should be used to emotional abuse and being used as a human punch bag.
In the past, my wife would accuse me of being or saying a variety of bad things which were created in her mind by her illness and there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to convince her that her paranoid thoughts weren’t true.
For the first 5 years I tried to keep a full time job whilst I received no support from professionals. When my mind could take no more pressure and I could find no escape from her bombardment, I turned in on myself by self harming or worse to relieve the emotional hurt and pain she inflicted on me. However, seeing my hands covered in bruises and my wrists covered in cuts just made me feel worse about myself. I felt ashamed for not being stronger and not being able to cope as I felt I should.
When I reached breaking point I turned to overdoses because I saw no future other than the tormented hell I was living alone with no one to turn to or support me. Love was lost. The house was barren, full of emptiness and pain. My tears would flow like rivers but still the pain remained. To this day that hurt and pain is still within me. My anger is still there because of the emotional abuse her illness caused me. I’ve just learned to control it better but my circumstances are just as they’ve always been although she now gets more support for her illness through the professionals and helpers. For me though, nothing, not from the professionals, friends and especially not from her but I still care because that’s what makes me who I am. Take that away and I’m just an empty shell of a man.
However, we all carry hurt and anger created by bad experiences in our lives, often caused by those closest to us. We then often assume that everyone must be the same, that no one can be trusted and so we direct our hurt and anger to whoever we feel has let us down, even when they are actually on our side but haven’t been able to be there for us due to other commitments because all we feel is the hurt of feeling neglected in our own lives.
If though we misdirect our anger towards those who are trying to help us, we end up alienating them and so end up feeling even more hurt and alone. We become our own worst enemy, driving those who care for us away. We often want to be loved but can’t accept anyone could. We often want to give love but don’t know how because we lash out at those closest to us.
We will never keep friends if we lash out when deep down we know they care about us. When we feel so low and so ill though, we forget that people are on our side because the people who care about us are often unaware until the lid bursts off our bottle because we keep feelings bottled up until they explode rather than expressing how we feel long before we reach boiling point.
In a way it no longer bothers me if people want to shoot me down to make themselves feel better then so be it because I don’t think that much of myself and my life anyway. What’s more important to me is that others I care about aren’t also hurt when I don’t live up to high expectations expected of me because I know I’m no expert and that I’m an anxiety sufferer just like everyone else on here. I just know what anxiety is and why people react as they do because I understand what anxiety and depression makes us feel. The only difference to how I used to be is that I’ve learnt to cope better with most of my anxieties so that although I still feel hurt, I no longer implode as I used to.
I realise though that to try and help people, it means making yourself an open target to others hurt and anger who often need more than a fellow sufferer can provide.
These days whenever I am hurt, although it sets me back,, I try to remind myself why people misdirect anger, how much I care and that I do my best to help others especially when I know they’re in desperate need.
The one thing that does really hurt though is knowing that after 18 years feeling alone and being used as a punch bag, my determination to reach out and care makes me more vulnerable to more punches being thrown in my direction but that it’s something I’ll just have to accept in the hope of helping those I can because I’m only human so I have my own issues and limitations.
People often say I have to think of me too but I’ve tried doing that for 18 years so all I can see for the future is more emotional abuse with nothing in return but if I can make some peoples lives happier, at least I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing my life will have been worth something to others I’ll always care about.
In the past, my wife would accuse me of being or saying a variety of bad things which were created in her mind by her illness and there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to convince her that her paranoid thoughts weren’t true.
For the first 5 years I tried to keep a full time job whilst I received no support from professionals. When my mind could take no more pressure and I could find no escape from her bombardment, I turned in on myself by self harming or worse to relieve the emotional hurt and pain she inflicted on me. However, seeing my hands covered in bruises and my wrists covered in cuts just made me feel worse about myself. I felt ashamed for not being stronger and not being able to cope as I felt I should.
When I reached breaking point I turned to overdoses because I saw no future other than the tormented hell I was living alone with no one to turn to or support me. Love was lost. The house was barren, full of emptiness and pain. My tears would flow like rivers but still the pain remained. To this day that hurt and pain is still within me. My anger is still there because of the emotional abuse her illness caused me. I’ve just learned to control it better but my circumstances are just as they’ve always been although she now gets more support for her illness through the professionals and helpers. For me though, nothing, not from the professionals, friends and especially not from her but I still care because that’s what makes me who I am. Take that away and I’m just an empty shell of a man.
However, we all carry hurt and anger created by bad experiences in our lives, often caused by those closest to us. We then often assume that everyone must be the same, that no one can be trusted and so we direct our hurt and anger to whoever we feel has let us down, even when they are actually on our side but haven’t been able to be there for us due to other commitments because all we feel is the hurt of feeling neglected in our own lives.
If though we misdirect our anger towards those who are trying to help us, we end up alienating them and so end up feeling even more hurt and alone. We become our own worst enemy, driving those who care for us away. We often want to be loved but can’t accept anyone could. We often want to give love but don’t know how because we lash out at those closest to us.
We will never keep friends if we lash out when deep down we know they care about us. When we feel so low and so ill though, we forget that people are on our side because the people who care about us are often unaware until the lid bursts off our bottle because we keep feelings bottled up until they explode rather than expressing how we feel long before we reach boiling point.
In a way it no longer bothers me if people want to shoot me down to make themselves feel better then so be it because I don’t think that much of myself and my life anyway. What’s more important to me is that others I care about aren’t also hurt when I don’t live up to high expectations expected of me because I know I’m no expert and that I’m an anxiety sufferer just like everyone else on here. I just know what anxiety is and why people react as they do because I understand what anxiety and depression makes us feel. The only difference to how I used to be is that I’ve learnt to cope better with most of my anxieties so that although I still feel hurt, I no longer implode as I used to.
I realise though that to try and help people, it means making yourself an open target to others hurt and anger who often need more than a fellow sufferer can provide.
These days whenever I am hurt, although it sets me back,, I try to remind myself why people misdirect anger, how much I care and that I do my best to help others especially when I know they’re in desperate need.
The one thing that does really hurt though is knowing that after 18 years feeling alone and being used as a punch bag, my determination to reach out and care makes me more vulnerable to more punches being thrown in my direction but that it’s something I’ll just have to accept in the hope of helping those I can because I’m only human so I have my own issues and limitations.
People often say I have to think of me too but I’ve tried doing that for 18 years so all I can see for the future is more emotional abuse with nothing in return but if I can make some peoples lives happier, at least I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing my life will have been worth something to others I’ll always care about.