dunno what to call this

[misterbean]

Right, I've got the house to myself so I'm nice and safe. Let's see where I go with this, after all, I can always delete it.

I've chosen this forum despite my distaste in labels, but couldn't think of a more appropriate one. This title appears too grand for whats going on in me, but my hearts starting to thump and I'm feeling frightened, so those seem to me to be good signs.

I've been a member here for what, a month, and during that time of speaking and listening I've been increasingly feeling two things - I feel safe, and all of my 'presenting symptoms' of wobble, jelly and so on have gone; I feel frightened, I want to get the hell away from you all.

But even before I came here, some memory has been gnawing at me. It started as a minor irritation but is now beginning to shout down everything else. So I'm going to write it, despite getting more and more scared as I waffle on.

I'm six years old. My dad, an army sargeant, has been posted to a new camp and I've started at the 'other ranks' school. It's only a little school, some two or three classrooms in a victoriany building. We have an assembly each day, conducted by the headmaster, a fearful, grey haired man who has a habit of carrying a pin in his lapel. When he wants silence, he ceremonially removes the pin (already there is a deathly hush) and drops it on his desk. If he claims to hear it, the release in the room is palpable, if he doesn't, well, I cannot remember what happens, only that there is no release. Whatever it is, I keep my head down and it passes over me.

One day after this ceremony, he, for the first time I think, looks at me and makes me stand up and go to thge front, tiny beside his desk and facing the class. I'm told that you have been useing swear words he says. I am dumb, I don't think I knew what a swear word was. And so he begins - I have to go through the alphabet listing all the swear words I know. 'A'? No words. 'B'? I remember, I think, suggesting 'bottom' thats as far as my memory goes. He started laughing, saying something that might have been ridicule, and of course, all the children in front of me also laughed - I would have if it had not been me - but not a laugh of humour, a laugh of fear. But I didn't see that at the time.

I went home, cried for what seems like days, dad took me out of the school after confronting this bloke in the playground, and my nightmares of being chased through a darkened school only to find the front door locked, (see I still vividly remember it) went away. What I could never grasp is that far worse things happened to me in my later childhood, yet I never, ever, responded to them in such a way. Also far worse things happen to others who seem unaffected by them. Yes, I am famniliar with terms like denial and so on, but that is how it has always felt.

But now the old man will not go away, in Ahabs words, 'he heaps me, he loads me' I keep remembering -accurately or not - specific details, his slightly rumpled grey suit and shirt, the little little knot in his tie, his pencil moustache, even a slight smell of mustiness, brylcreem and stale sweat.

Right, this is the really upsetting part for me because I have tried it out alone and it is very painful. I want, I imagine that I - god, I can't see for tears - I imagine that I go back there and stand in front of the little boy and say RIGHT. YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME SWEAR WORDS?

There, calming down again. Thanks for letting me say this to you. Please, I do not want support or sympathy or anything other than someone who knows what this is like, someone who has been there, or rather, here. Sorry if that is rejecting but that is all I want.

Now I have to figure whether to post this.

Martin

[dawny]

martin.

very similar story......i had been at school a short time, so i guess i was five years old....

miss wrigley, wanted us to decorate fish, so they could be hung around the classroom......head bent i coloured away, when the next thing i had my fish snatched from under my nose......

.....miss wrigley, bellowed everyone to stop and look at the scribble i had produced, i was made to stand on the table, while she shred my fish to tiny pieces....i was left there throughout break time, stood on a table, i was just a little dot...other teachers came in during that break and told me what a naughty, horrible little girl i was.

im 41 years old now martin and can still to this day remember how i felt, so i know exactly where your coming from.......

dawny

[marie1974]

hi martin, i am so sorry you feel this way and although i have not been through what you have i do know the more you talk about it the more you will recover, so keep posting and in time you will gradually feel better bit by bit hugs to you xxxxxx

[FreeFalling]

Hi Martin,

I had a similiar experience. I guess it would be called a lesson in humiliation, ridicule...add some prejudice in there...and a dash of shame.

I'll be turning 49 this month :scared15: ( kidding ) It's the new 30 !!!

Anyway, I was adopted by a German couple in 1959. German was my first language and I've lived in Germany for 15 years off and on throughout my childhood and teens.

I lived in Germany the first round from age 4-9. When we moved back to Nashville, TN. I started third grade in a little country school.

The school had mostly white children except for 2 black kids and then...." The GERMAN KID "... as they used to whisper it behind my back... " That *!@#*!%^ Nazi " .

I don't like using that word...( my parents are jewish by the way ) but that's what they called me even though I was 100% American... I even have the citizenship.

One day in this class room we were watching a music program on television. At the end of the show the woman would always have some saying...some kid in the class shouted it out.

Mrs. Wright was the teachers name in my case. She turned off the TV. Looked around the room and said " Who said that " ? ..silence.....She walked around the room slowly...and stops at my desk....

I could not speak very good English at this point because I had forgotten most of it. I could understand most of it, but for some reason I couldn't speak it.

She looks down at me...with a digusted look... " Did you say it " ?
I stutter " No "... she says " No what" ? I say " No I did not "
....she then says " You stupid Nazi girl, you are supposed to say NO MAM ".

The whole classroom breaks into laughter...I start to cry.

She then proceeds to say something like I must be guilty since I'm crying and then makes me go to the front of the class and face the wall with my back to the class for the remainder of the day which was at least three more hours.

During these three hours different children would periodically come up to me ( the pencil sharpener and waste basket were next to me ) and call me " Stupid Nazi " even though they had no idea what that was...they would also throw paper at me and other waste.

I remember what she looked like...how she wore her hair...the dandruff on her shoulders...how she always had red lipstick on her front teeth...even the way she smelled.

I also remember the first feelings of anxiety way back then...and how intense it was...

~Rebecca

[misterbean]

Thank you so much Dawny, Donna and Rebecca. I hope you don't mind this Donna, but I sat and cried through Dawny and Rebeccas stories, for you, for me and for us. I should have bought shares in Kleenex before joining this site.

I was very scared to come back in and see if anyone had posted a reply, I just did not want to be alone with this and now I know I'm not. I cannot tell you how much lighter I feel. Not relieved or freed or any of those things, just lighter.

Thank you thank you. I can now, with a degree of confidence say

Love, Martin

[marie1974]

nice one martin you sound happier already it helps to have a good chat and cry i think, keep posting and stay strong xx

[Hope 2]

Hi Martin :D

I am so very proud of you (she says like she knows you ). But I am . I have hardly posted on my deeper issues since I joined , for fear of rejection when people learnt what I was really made up of . That didn't happen I am so very happy to say when I did reach out recently , I can't tell you how it made me feel , but I guess you do know , thankfully . Posting this is so very brave when it is obviously something that has burned in your soul all this time . I don't think I have been so moved by anything I have read so far including you other guys posts too . Maybe it's cos I can relate and maybe one of these days I will get the courage to take the lid off but it feels like sticking my heart in an industrial vice .when I try to . This is the reason I came here mainly . To face the things that have left me the person I am . Like you said Martin some people seem to get over or deal with better ..... but maybe like you ? ........... I feel like a failure in life for letting these memories haunt me still . Now I am ashamed for sounding self pitying and dramatic .

I hope to speak to you soon
Love hope xx

[misterbean]

Dear Hope

Now there's an appropriate name. Thank you for your loving words. Believe me when I say that I recognise the feelings of self-pity and over-drama.

These feelings have both protected me and kept me sleeping for a very long time. You will know and understand when I say that there is all the difference in the world between self-pity and allowing compassion for yourself, yet they are the same except shame is absent from the second. It amazes me that I must keep learning this, over and over, bit by bit.

In a sense, you do know me because we have touched. When you speak of bravery and courage, I can only say what these words mean to me, which is that moment when the pain of holding in outweighs the fear of release. Outside of this meaning they have become to me simply words, like cowardly, that have been used by others into manipulate me into compliance.

I will wait, without impatience, for the moment to arrive when you lift your lid, should you choose to do this here.

Thank you

Love Martin

[Hope 2]

Hi Martin :D

I have always read your posts with genuine interest . Now I am glad I have found the opportunity to respond to you in some depth . I have been feeling like you may have been struggling a little lately and didn't know how to approach this with you .
I have had times at the begining when I wanted to do a runner from here cos I learnt from joining that I would have to 'open up and deal' at some point and that scared the crap outta me . I have therefore found purpose in other ways and I am so happy to come here . I feel I belong for once , a feeling I have craved for years . I would like to offer any support I can to you and anyone else that would like it , especially on this subject matter . I am hoping so much that this posting is the start of something good for you Martin .

Love Hope xx

[misterbean]

Thank you Hope. I think, as you suggest, support becomes mutual as we confirm each other.

Dawny and Rebecca -

I want to check with you, if that's alright, that you are both in a safe place today. My reaction has been an attempt at sef-disgust, that I have manipulated you all to get sympathy. This time it doesn't wash, I'm not falling for my old shame thing, at least not as much.

What concerns me is that if I have reacted in such a way, there may have been reaction in you also - not the same one, we are all unique and the same as dear Pooh would say. Let me know if you can.

Love Martin

[dawny]

martin.....

not once did i think that you had written this post to get sympathy....i just think that you opened your heart, which is lovely.

and yes martin im in a great place....except for the fact that i had to do the ironing today...lol....

i hope you are in a good place today, please martin, dont use words like self disgust....i would never reply to a post where i thought i was being manipulated.....

....it seems to me that your a lovely, caring guy, so martin dont be so hard on yourself......i like to read what you write and i look forward to your next post.

take care

dawny x

[misterbean]

Thanks for letting me know Dawny

I'm good also. The self-d******* was a familiar but passing thing that I chose to value in a different way this time. Well, not value it at all actually, there's something!

Martin

[Hope 2]

Hello Martin :D

Something positive there then as a result of your posting . Hopefully the way you feel about yourself will improve little by little if/as you continue to 'speak' .

Very Best Wishes
Hope xx

[FreeFalling]

Hi Martin (and everyone else),

I definitly don't think you wrote that to get sympathy...it sounded like something that has been weighing heavy with you. I'm glad you shared and felt strong enough to open up...it's not easy...it's very difficult to put yourself out there. One feels very vulnerable...almost naked:scared15:.

Sometimes I get so sick and tired of worrying about what others will think about me...but I still worry. I guess it guess back to being ridiculed as a kid...

I do know though if I don't start letting some of these anxieties out...write about them...talk about them with you lovely strangers :hugs: I will most likely continue down the downward spiral.

I know sometimes my post might come across as
" too much information " ...and when I read them I think
" Oh my God Rebecca, this is some horrible *!~* going on in you life, what the heck are doing in the middle of it " ?

Unfortunately ...it is what's going on in my life...or it's what has happened. I'm just trying to sort it out like the rest of you.

You all have given me great insight and comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

Martin.....you don't come across as looking for symathy .

I know I don't want sympathy either...if anything...valadation...or just knowing I'm not alone.....

sorry I rambled.
I went on a trip with zero hours of sleep since Friday.

I hope this made sense...if not...I'll do it over after I catch up on my z-z-z-'s

Big :bighug1: for everyone !!!
and thank you :flowers:

~Rebecca

[misterbean]

Thanks for posting Rebecca

I know the feeling of having given too much information, especially when the suff seems horrible to you.

Your lack of sleep did not get in the way of making perfect sense.

I think it's time for us all to have a mutual thank you, a virtual hug.

Martin

[Hope 2]

Hello Martin / Everyone :D

Alright if I still poke me nose in :blush: ........ I hope everyone is doing okay :flowers: .

I wanted to say something . I really want to tell you all how strongly I feel about the issues covered in this thread . It's the first time I have come across something that has been so close to my own experience , a topic that I have never felt confident enough to discuss . I suppose I am hoping that this thread will continue so I have the option and opportunity to speak of my 'blurgh' (sorry but that's what it feels like lol) . This 'yuk' being the memories in my mind and in my 'being' that I can't share at the mo . For Martin and you other members , thank you so very much for sharing your memories . I think this is gonna help me finally face up to and deal with my :chained: .

Even if this doesn't happen , I will still be grateful this came to my attention cos now I understand it all a little better .

Sunlight and Love
Hope xx

[FreeFalling]

Hello Hope :) ,

I'm glad that this thread is here also. ( Thanks Martin ).

I know that there have been other threads that have given me some insight...but this one is very close to the heart and I have been doing
a lot of thinking since posting my own experience.

I have other things that I feel I need to talk about...but am not sure if this is the place to do it or not ?...or maybe just not the time....

I think the latter might be more appropriate...I think when one feels ready to open up, it will happen.

I'm glad you found something you could connect with and possibly help you deal with some things that weigh heavy within you.

Wishing you all the best :flowers:,

~Rebecca

[Hope 2]

Hi Rebecca / All :D

Yeah I think you are right , we will open up 'the box' when we are ready . I am kinda impulsive with some things , so I will probably just spill it all out at once ! I have to say ............. 'anything goes' on here , there will always be someone who has been through the same . This I find comforting to know as it's a place where we can say anything and no one will judge us or think worse of us for it . Hope you are well :flowers:

Bye for now all
Martin ...... How are you getting on with you ?
Hoping ur okay
Hope xx

[misterbean]

Hello again Hope and Rebecca

I've gone away to mull over things this last few days. I feel so good that something so frightening has not only been accepted by you all as alright, but has helped you also in the way that you view your own experiences. And your posts also help me to understand myself a little more clearly... it's like an un-viscious circle. That's a bit of a novelty for me.

As I was out on Monday, I caught my reflection in a window and was aware that I kind of pulled away from looking. I do not look repulsive, yet I was repulsed. I've always put this down to getting older, avoiding seeing grey hair, sags and wrinkles, yet I've never thought that aging was something I wished to avoid - I simply don't like it much. I had the thought as I pulled away that it wasn't myself I wished to avoid, this had something to do with avoiding those that I was coming to resemble, certain grey haired men in my past.

Anyway, I figured that my next step would be to bung my photo onto this site, but I find that I'm avoiding it at the moment. As you both have suggested, it will happen when and if it happens, meanwhile, I'll follow, for once, the advice of both my daughters and 'take a chill pill', hip dude that I am.

Martin