View Full Version : New here and suffering from anticipatory anxiety
Hello All
I've found this site this morning and am thrilled to have found people who seem to be just like me!
At the moment I'm suffering from VERY severe anticipatory anxiety. I have an event on Wednesday evening and as it gets nearer the anticipation is getting worse.
I've suffered from anxiety and panic for many years (15 +) and have in that time read lots and understand about panic and anxiety but have never found anyone else to talk to who suffers the same feelings.
My main problem is eating out - I feel sick, unable to eat, I'm afraid of leaving food on my plate but I can't even let one morsel touch my lips, I'm rigid with fear, I think people are looking at me etc. etc. and I just want to get away as quickly as possible.
My husband is an absolute treasure and has helped me cope over the years but it's hard for him to understand what I'm going through. Doctor has been good too but I don't like taking drugs.
Usually I either avoid situations or only get through by making excuses, like - "sorry I've been ill and won't be able to eat anything" - but even then I feel a failure because I didn't do it properly.
Recently I've decided that enough is enough and I am determined to win. Some good results over the last few weeks have seen me eating out with my husband, once in a quite busy restaurant that I had never visited before.
However, Wednesday is a BIG ONE - I have to go out to a meal with a group of 10 people who I hardly know and my 'rock' (my husband) can't come with me. I won't be able to have his reassuring look or supportive word and I'm in utter turmoil of how I'm going to cope. I keep wavering between a decision to not go to sheer determination that I will!
I keep having those moments of absolute terror when I can't keep thoughts of what will/might happen out of my mind and I keep telling myself to phone up and cancel and the feelings will go away. I feel exhausted and tearful. It all seems too much too soon for me.
In a nutshell - I can't eat when I anxious and I'm anxious because I can't eat. It's a horrible vicious circle that I can't break.
Any tips on getting through the next few days and that evening would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, I hope I've not rambled too much and that it all that makes sense to someone! :)
Roma
hi roma
welcome to the site..I understand how you feel but as you said it is a vicious circle and please DONT let the anticiaptory anxiety get the better of you ..Start now and tell yourself as often as you can that YOU ARE GOING to go out and have this meal evenif you only eat a small amount...it will be a wondeful achievement for you
good luck[8D]
Hi Roma,
Sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction.
I have a friend who has the same problem as you.
I found though the more fuss I made, made her worse, eg You have to eat something.
The last time we had her round for dins she was adimant she wasn't gonna eat.
I told her that was fine...in the end she went back for 2nds.
So there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I know exactly what you mean about your 'rock'. I have one of those and he's great.
Just try and relax over the next couple of days and don't put any pressure on yourself. When you go out for this dinner you can always order no one says you have to eat it. Take a doggy bag with you so you can enjoy it better.
Just a few hints.
You have to be proud of yourself though for achieving what you have done.
STAY POSITIVE honey
with good wishes
Zena
Hey Roma,
Welcome to the site, you will find lots of support and advice here,
tracy x x
Hi Roma
Welcome to the site. Sorry to hear that things aren't so great at the moment. We are all very friendly here and we will do everything to give you help and support.
Hope things go ok for you.
Take care
Tracy
x
Hi Roma
Welcome to the forum.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Roma
i to soffered with eating like you, though not as bad if i went out i would try and order something that had little taste and smell so at least that didnt put me off b4 i started. i would try not to look at my plate as much as possible and sometimes woul just order a starter,+
Zena that is right i found that if no one mentioned what i ate or made even a joke oh on a diet etc i was much better, you have the right attitude at the moment that is how to beat it and you will im about 98% there now even better for finding this site which i cant stop saying LOL
good luck and try not to think about it when it comes into your mind try and think of something else and most of all be proud of your self cos at the end of he day it's only you who can do it in the end and you are gettint there by the look of it
good luck and let us know how you get on xxx
kairen x
nomorepanic
04-04-05, 18:39
Hi Roma
Welcome aboard the forum.
This is not a problem I have as such but I do get anticipatory anxiety about other things.
You can either choose to go or back out? That is the 1st BIG decision. Once there you can choose to eat or you could say that you have a bit of an upset stomach so you will have something small and light.
I bet no-one will even notice that you feel so bad about it.
The thing is that you are willing to try it and that is very positive.
You CAN do this ok and once there you will be having a great time and no-one will even notice what you are or aren't eating.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Have you tried Rescue Remedy to help with the panic/anxious feelings?
Nicola
Hello Roma and welcome,
I read your post and my first thoughts are what a brave, sensitive, sensible women you are - you also understand all about panic and it's symtoms, which i think is half the battle, you are positive and determined. Go for it on Wednesday, you say nobody knows you that well, if you do have problems with the food, have a small excuse on hand, i.e. toothache, tummy upset, anything, order a small meal, pretend to eat, there will be many people there, nobody will be staring at you personally, no-one will notice if you don't eat anything, and you never know you may be able to have a mouthful or two, I had the same problem last november, when it was my 50th, me and hubby DID go for our special meal, and i DID manage to eat a little bit. good luck and please keep in touch
Roma,
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear you are suffering at present. I think you have done very well to start tackling your biggest fear.
I suffer with anticipatory anxiety about quite a few things but not about eating out---though I must admit I don't like it much, would rather eat at home. But whatever causes it, it's a horrible feeling?----& usually far worse than the actual event.
Good luck for Wednesday. I'm sure you'll do well.
Linda.x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Roma
Welcome to the site and pleased you have found it.
Yes people on here understand how you feel and will help you all they can.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
I don't know how to thank you all for your lovely responses, they have given me a great lift.
I've decided that I will not back out, if I do I know I will spend the next few days crying and hating myself for failing. So I'm going to go even if the worst happens and I have to come straight back home, at least I will know that I tried and instead of being upset I will feel good that at least I got through the build up and went. So that's one decision made! :)
I'm being very gentle with myself today and tomorrow. Yesterday I tried to keep all my movements gentle and slow so as not to give my brain any chance to pick up on any tension and think I was heading for panic. It seemed to work, I still had lots of negative thoughts buzzing around my head but I tried to stay calm and serene and 'float' as I walked. I probably look like a spaced-out zombie but who cares!!!:D
I'm planning to have something very small and light, even if I have to ask for a starter as a main course and then just drape my serviette over the left food if I can't eat it.
I find it very stressful to leave food, this goes back to one of my very early attempts to eat out - I had to leave a whole plate of food and the waiter made such a fuss wanting to know if everything was alright, would I like something else etc. etc. I know he was only doing his job but everyone was turning and looking and I went into major panic. He will never know how much he set me back.
Nicola - no I haven't tried Rescue Remedy, it is something I've often picked up off the shelf and wondered if it would work so I think I will buy some today and try it if things get bad. I do take 'Kalms' and they seem to help with the tension I get around my jaw. Do you think it safe to take the two together? (Kalms are herbal - Hops powder BHP 45mg. Extract of valerian from 135mg. Extract of gentian from 90mg and contains sucrose).
You have all given me some great tips and ideas and I just want to say a BIG THANK YOU to you all, I will certainly let you know how things go.
Roma
Sounds as though you have everything in control honey.
Go and enjoy....you never know what will happen.
Let us know how you got on.
Take care
with good wishes
Zena
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Sounds as though you have everything in control honey.
Go and enjoy....you never know what will happen.
Let us know how you got on.
Take care
with good wishes
Zena
<div align="right">Originally posted by zena - 05 April 2005 : 11:20:25</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks Zena, I'm glad I sound in control because I don't feel it at the moment! :)
PA's are starting to creep in more frequently now but I have been able to bring them down fairly quickly, so fingers crossed. I feel strong and confident one minute and weak and timid as a kitten the next!
I got some Rescue Remedy and I'm postive that it is helping me.
I'm determined to keep smiling. [8D]
Roma
Yes fine to mix Rescue remedy with kalms
You go girl !! We'll all be rooting for you so if you have a difficult moment know we're here for you.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Roma the thing with kittens is that they come out fighting when needed.
Stay calm and focused. You are doing all the right things. My thoughts will be with you for later and will send out calming thoughts to you, (sounds mad I know, but, once you get to know me you'll be fine..lol)
Lets us know how you get on. Bye for now
with good wishes
Zena
bluesparkle
06-04-05, 11:56
hi...
i think you have made the right decision to go...i know thats easy for me to say as im not the one in the situation.
i also do not like eating out or eating with other people... it sends me into total panic but i have got slightly better in time and went for my mums birthday meal last sunday... it was very posh there which nearly sent me into one... i only had a main coarse and stuck to something simple ...but they all kept saying why arent you having starter/dessert... but i stuck to what i had decided before i left home... i also made sure i had my phone on me so i could use it as an excuse if i needed to leave and i checked where the loo`s/door etc was... i also had in my mind what sort of time scale i could cope with and had already said i may have to leave by 2 30 to get back to the kids(i knew they would be fine though) and i ended up staying much later...
sorry to ramble on but just wanted to say i think you are doing the right thing to go....
im sure you will enjoy it once you are there.....
please let us know how it goes... we will all be thinking of you
rach
nomorepanic
06-04-05, 17:51
Roma
Hope tonight goes ok - wishing you well!
Nicola
I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!!
Yes, I managed to get myself there! :D
I had to make a few compromises to be able to do it but I feel very proud of myself.
The panic was hard to bear at times, you know how it is - it gets you in it's grip and you just can't think straight, you just can't remember to breathe and relax and instead you just sit there in terror. It was after several of these horrors that I was convinced I couldn't go through with it. Then my husband suggested that if it helped he could drop me off and stay close by so that I knew I had a means of escape. So, bless his cotton socks, he stayed in a bar around the corner and I knew that all I had to do was give his mobile one ring and he would be back to take me away.
This was enough to bring the panic down to a fairly manageable level and although it got very high during the final hour waiting to go I felt more able to at least go to the restaurant and see how things went.
When I arrived it was really hard. Lots of people new each other and were chatting happily, I did find someone to talk to but it was hard to concentrate when the panic kept rising but she didn't appear to notice anything. It seemed like forever before we were finally called to the table!
My legs were a bit 'jelly' like as I walked in the table and the wait for the food was very hard but as the evening progressed, and I managed to eat something, it became quite enjoyable. That feeling of "I'm here, I'm doing it" was wonderful and elating.
I just had a fruit juice as a starter, and a starter as a main course, and thankfully no one made a comment - well not to my face - and who cares if they said anything to each other later. The person next to me did ask what I was having and I just said "I don't eat large meals so I'm just having the garlic mushrooms" I don't think she even knew that that was only a starter.
When I woke up this morning I thought "Oh please don't let it have been a dream, please let me have done it!" and it wasn't a dream I really did do it. :D
So if you are facing anything soon, take heart - if I can do it so can you.
Thank you all for your support - It was only a couple of days ago that I arrived in this Forum and I can't believe that so many people cared and were thinking about me. Big hugs to you all.
I'm going to give myself a big treat as a reward!
Roma,
Very very well done to you.
You are a compete star and have just proven to yourself that you are stronger and more courageous than you thought you'd be !!
Also that you have in you the capacity to get over this anxiety .
After your treat and after a reward for your wonderful husband I strongly suggest that you plan a few outings to include food so you can proactively face this fear so you'll be more prepared another time.
Many congratulations indeed. We're thrilled for you .
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> that you have in you the capacity to get over this anxiety .
After your treat and after a reward for your wonderful husband I strongly suggest that you plan a few outings to include food so you can proactively face this fear so you'll be more prepared another time.
Many congratulations indeed. We're thrilled for you .
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 07 April 2005 : 10:27:15</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thank you Meg, and I can assure you that hubby was first in line for a treat! :)
You are right, I need to use this as a way to go forward now. Great things from little acorns grow, as they say. Who knows what I'll be able to do next year! - Tea with the Queen. Lol!
Roma
Roma,
I'm so pleased for you, so glad it went well!
Love Kate x
bluesparkle
07-04-05, 11:46
well done! :D
not only did you do you even enjoyed some of it...
that is great.... was thinking about you
and yes i think you both deserve a treat and dont give up now... keep going out to eat and it will get easier...
rach
Hi Roma,
I am so delighted that you had a good night, well done you! and i think i'd like to borrow your husband! lol. I will take in what you have said, i have to go out on Monday, although it's to view another college for my daughter, not for a meal or anything like that, and can feel the anxiety building up already, somewhere new, don't know the set-up etc... but i will re-read all the posts here and hopefully i'll manage too. well done again. keep in touch. and keep it up :D
Hiya Roma
Firstly welcome to the site:D
You done so well , you should be very proud of yourself .
Congratulations
Take care
Maxine
nomorepanic
07-04-05, 18:40
Roma
What lovely news to hear.
You did it even though you got a bit panicky and you managed to eat something as well!!
How sweet of hubbie to do that for you.
Onwards and upwards I say!
Nicola
Hi Roma
You are doing so well, dont give up. Meg would be a great one for speaking about anticipatory anxiety and she done so well that it proves it can be done.
How did things go?? Let us know. We are all here to support you and keep you on the up. i keep rescue remedy on me all the time.
Take care
Janine
Hi Roma
And well done,
make another date to go out while you still have this elated feelin. keep it on a roll, and keep that feeling in your head of how good you felt
well done xxxxxx
kairen x
Yes well done you...how proud do you feel honey.
And having great support.
I'm so pleased for you.
Well done. XXXXX
with good wishes
Zena
Well done Roma. You showed that you are capable of pushing yourself to face your fears and your coped admirably.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Muddled Mind
11-04-05, 11:37
I hope you have a great evening. Sometimes the more anxious you are, worrying about the up and coming event. You then go on and have a brilliant time and then your on a high. So it would have been all worth it.
The Rescue Remedy is good to take.
Have fun and enjoy! (think of all the lovely desserts - wish I was coming too now! lol :D
cheryl
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