Why have I let it beat me?

[thevoicewithinme]

Right now, I am sitting here, knot in my stomach, crying and feeling like such a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone down, including myself.

This morning, I had a panic attack at the school while dropping my boys off, eventually calmed down when I got home but ended up angry at myself. The rest of the day has been fine, but, I have just chickened out of going up the school to get the boys and have sent my 20 year old son to go get them, which he wasnt too pleased at doing. I am not running my son down, he has been great, he gets up early every morning to come on school run with me and even comes with me in the afternoons too..but this time he snapped at me which has made me feel guilty.

I know I am messing everyone's life up, but I didn't ask to be this way. I am trying so hard to be normal. Last week was an excellent week for me, this week is the dead opposite. The way I feel right now, I can see no end to this anxiety and panic and agoraphobia. The real me has gone into hiding somewhere inside, but is desperately trying to get out, but feel like I am being smothered by this anxiety. I am sick of sitting indoors, seeing people walking past, laughing and leading normal lives...they take everything for granted. I know this sounds selfish but it's the way I am feeling right now.
I want my life back and try as I might I really don't know how it's going to happen. People in my life know how I have been the last few months, but they don't feel the fear like I do, they don't get all the symptoms that I do and try as I might I cannot explain to them what it's like and that one minute I can be fine..the next a sheer terror grips hold of me, they cannot understand that, they don't see how it's possible as I am not in any dangerous situation etc.

I know I am rambling yet again, but my mind is whirring away, I am hurting so much and so scared that I am never going to get any better and that everyone in my life will end up sick and tired of me and go. I am/was a self harmer, but haven't done that now for nearly six months or so...but the urge right now to cut myself is so bad, because I am such a loser and a failure to everyone.

I so don't know what to do anymore. I am sick of living behind this mask pretending that things aren't half as bad as they really are.

[Lilith1980]

Hi Voice :hugs:

Firstly, you are not a failure and you are not a loser. This certainly hasn't beaten you hun because you are still here fighting it :hugs:

You havent self-harmed in six months - that is something to be truly proud of hun, you need to give yourself more credit.

I think what is making your anxiety worse might be the fact that you are getting angry at yourself. Maybe try and be more positive, as in:

You dropped the boys off at school, yes you had a panic attack but you dropped them off and got home ok. I know its hard because panic attacks are so frightening and take so much eneergy out of you. But why not think of it as a "blip" rather than a sign that things are going downhill again.

The thing is, if you think things are going downhill, then this negative thinking will probably make that happen because you'll become consumed with negative thoughts and this will drag you down further.

As for your son getting angry, again dont beat yourself up over this. He probably just didnt want to have to go and get them because he'd rather be chilling at home. But its not going to take much time out of his day to go and get them is it?

A thing I have been reading about quite recently is guilt and how we can try and prevent it. The thing is, we are not responsible for the way people feel/react most of the time.

If I was to say, kick my friend, then my friend being in pain would be because I have kicked her. And I should feel guilty! :winks:

However, you have only asked your son if he can go and pick up his brothers from school. YOU havent made him feel angry, YOU were not the reason HE snapped. It was HIS reaction to you asking him that has made him a bit miffed about it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when we are anxious, we try and take responsibility for how other people feel. But we cannot do that because it places unnecessary pressure on us to try and keep people happy. We end up feeling guilty if they dont react in the way we would like them to - but at the end of the day we cannot control how they feel, only THEY can control how they feel. So try not to place your son's "anger" on yourself hun :hugs:

Sorry if I have waffled. I hope you feel better soon sweet, try not to beat yourself up, its just a blip and it will pass :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[milly jones]

hey kaz,
u were there for me this morning, hun x

stop being so hard on urself.

i understand about the failure bit totally. i forgot it was my sons trip yesterday. he got up, got himself to school. he had to have a packed lunch from school and had no pocket money. i felt awful when i found out this morning and felt a failure as a mother.

but i now realise, this was a small incident in a life trying to move forward and come to terms with mental illness.

and hey mate ure not a loser, where were u when i needed u this morning, right there like my others mates, thank you, (and to all who helped).

it is hard pretending everythings ok, but u have to put the mask down and be real from time to time, and thats what nmp is all about.

Plus u got a lovely family behind u, and that cute little dog.

take care hun, hope ure feeling better soon,

mill xx


ps i just rung school to ask if mine can walk home as ive had a rocky day lol xxxx

[thevoicewithinme]

Jo, thank you for replying, I know deep down it's not my fault that my son snapped at me, but as for saying I am not failure, that I cannot agree with. I spent many years in a relationship where I was told almost constantly that I was useless and no good for nothing, and believe me if you are told something as often as I was, then you do start to believe it.

Milly thanks for your support too. It's awful how we forget things isn't it? My 10 year old had a school trip today and I forgot about it until last night and then worried that I wouldn't have enough things for him for his pack lunch, fortunately for me I did though.

My three little ones are home now, as is my older son. He hasn't spoken to me since he has got back in, is listening to music, which to be honest is doing my head in right now the constant thump thump, but I don't have the heart to go tell him to turn it down. I think it's his way of calming down.

Where oh where has the bubbly, cool mum (my older kids friends comments) carefree me gone to? I so need to find her.

Kaz

[gary_2.0]

Hey Kaz, I'm really sorry to hear how bad you're feeling today. I know it's hard but you have to remember that we have good and bad days and just because we have a bad one doesn't undo all the good ones and the positive steps we made up to that point - it just feels like it. It's a real b*****d I know. The feeling engulfs us so much that we blank out anything good and convince ourselves that life is s**t and what's the point?

It's temporary. We have to realise that to stay in control. It's temporary. It passes.

Forget the self harm b*****ks. That'll only make things spiral downward. You're better than that.

The bubbly cool Mum and the Woman Kaz is still there. She hasn't left for good and she's not going to. She may not have to energy to be around all the time but it doesn't mean she ain't coming back.

If you want to chat anytime just say the word and remember we are all here for you as everyone - including you - have been for me.

[misterbean]

Hello Kaz

You are in such a different place to last week, sort of hesitantly hopeful, that it makes your now seem even worse. I am glad that this is one place where you can allow your 'normal' mask to slip. Not much of a relief I know, but maybe better, in the long run than the relief of physically hurting yourself.

The idea of messing up everyone elses life is a familiar one to me and you will know, even if you cannot feel it at the moment, that this perception
changes.

No, perhaps it is not possible for someone who has never been terrified of the 'normal' to grasp that others can and are. Maybe that kind of appreciation is the greatest value of this site and the people who contribute, even when terrified themselves.

Judging but the replies you have received, you are valued here with your terror, not despite it.

Love Martin

[leonard]

Hello Kaz,
New member this week. I am Leonard. I have just read your article. Please do not feel you are the only one with this illness. I have tried to understand panic for years. It still catches me out at times. I know how you feel about letting your kids down. I have children as well. Sometimes I feel I am protecting my kids from me, that is to say I try very hard not to show my fear in front of them incase I transfer my anxiety to them. On occasions we do not perform as we would like, but tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Your son does not understand why you are like you are. Give him some space. He may be confused. He sounds a good egg. Hope this helps.

[chalky]

Hi Kaz,

You are not alone in experiencing these feelings.
You will not be alone in facing these feelings.
You will not be alone in recovering from these feelings.
One day at a time,you will recover.
Believe in yourself as we believe in you.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Best wishes,
Chalky

[diane07]

Aww kaz,

what i find helps is talk to your son. I explained to mine that i was sorry to be a pain for asking him to come everywhere with me, but i have a mental illness and just because it can't be seen doesn't mean to say its not there.

You had a great week last week, pick yourself up and dust yourself down girl, you know you can beat this.
And sometimes its hard, really hard, but its not impossible.
Don't go down that road of beating yourself up mentally, theres enough uncaring people in the world that do that already to others.

Its a blip.........thats all.
Don't give in to that fear hun, fight it. You are in control and not the agora, so keep fighting and bring back that carefree kaz.
Did you read panic away?
if you did, read it again and again.

I know you can beat this kaz.

keep fighting
Di xx

[helenclaire]

Kaz,
I wish i could make you feel better, but i am feeling the exact same way.
I feel all the guilt and upset that you do.
Right now i am also sat looking out the window watching people going about their business without a care in the world, although they probably do have worries just not the same ones as us.
It was my daughters birthday yesterday and she wants to go shopping to spend her money today, her dad said we were take her but today i feel so awful i really do not feel up to it and i know i will back out and then feel really guilty all day.
My family are use to it but i still feel bad that i am letting them down.
Hope you feel better soon
Love
Helen:hugs:

[milly jones]

Hey Kaz, me again,

How are u hun?

You're are a good mum and a good friend, i know x

Take care Kaz and hope to speak soon.
Its a new day today hun xxx

Love Millxx

[thevoicewithinme]

I would just like to say a very big thank you to everyone who replied :hugs:

My day yesterday didn't really get any better, in fact, although I have been told by everyone here not to feel like a failure or guilty, I did just that and felt sorry for myself and last night yet again ended up getting angry with myself.

This morning, I woke and felt okish :unsure: I did all the usual stuff, but then at around 8.15 I told my 10 year old that he best walk to school as I was feeling a little bit edgey and that if he waited for me he would probably end up being late. After he left I felt okish again, made myself a drink then at 8.45 I got the two little ones in the car and headed off for school. First I got held up by a dumper truck (hate being held up now, need to keep going) then by a bus and then by a very indecisive driver and the anxiety was building up big time. Kept telling myself I would be ok, and that the two little ones really had to get to school, but I failed :weep: I could see the end of the road where I had to turn right for their school, but just couldn't do it....so I ended up doing a U-turn and heading back home, telling my 6 and 5 year old that mummy had to go back home because she had forgotten something. Once indoors I was trying so hard not to beat myself up about it all, made myself a coffee, washed up the breakfast dishes and then thought, sod it..I will phone Dee (my boyfriends sister) see if I can borrow her for ten minutes to get these boys where they should be.

Dee came down almost immediately, and with her next to me, although edgey I got the boys to school, then went into the school office to apologise and they were fine about it, and said the main thing is that they are here now, and they even praised me saying that I had done well and to stop worrying about them being late, which had ended up with me in tears in the office, because they were so understanding. Because of their reaction I am now pleased that I plucked up the courage a couple of weeks ago and told them that I am agoraphobic, at least they can kind of understand if the boys are late.

Anyway, on the way back from the school, Dee suggested we stop at the shop and I coped excellent with that, and we even went into the cafe just up from it and had a coffee, and again I was fine. We then went to another shop, then back home and I (not speaking too soon) have got that positive feeling back. :)

So once again a great big thank you to everyone who replied to me, you are all fantastic and we are all going to beat this, we just have keep believing...so something we have all got to tell ourselves is I BELIEVE....THEREFORE I CAN:hugs:

Kaz xxxx

P.S. Di, yes I did read the book, and I will keep on reading it, thank you for sending it me :)

Milly thank you for your message, and remember I am here for you too ok?

[Lilith1980]

Hey Kaz,

It was great to read your update post, I'm so pleased you are feeling more positive honey :hugs:

You're an incredibly strong person, you are doing so well, keep it up :yesyes:

Jo xxxxx

[diane07]

Way to go kaz,

i am so pleased to hear you're still fighting, don't ever give up on yourself girl, and remember you're far too special to be hidden from the world, it is a brighter place with you out and about in it.

I'll say it again you can still walk and breathe through that panic.

Di xx

[andrewc]

Hi Kaz

I just got back and read your post. Im sorry to hear you had a bit of an ordeal yesterday but pleased to read that you didnt let it beat you. You were positive and you beat it even though you weren't feeling great. Well done, thats the way to beat this thing. If you get the same symptoms again just remember the feeling you got yesterday when you didn't give in and the pleasure you got of getting through it.

Best regards

Andy