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View Full Version : Anxiety / Depression and 27 years of it!!!!!



Barewolf
04-04-05, 23:23
It all started at the age of three, my mum noticed that I had some “special abilities”, I was able to count and read things other kids that age found hard, I could even play cards as I had a thing for numbers and remembering them, it all came with a price though because I used to suffer intolerable headaches and imagine things, The pain was unbearable, Especially at that age when any little pain was unbearable.

My mum was concerned about the headaches and I saw my GP who sent me to a specialist, after extensive tests they came to the conclusion that I wasn't behaving mentally as a normal three year old should, they ran some intelligence tests and said I was unusually intelligent for my age and that I need to channel my intelligence by being in a school, however I was too young but the doctors said I could go to a place where other kids, like me, are educated at an early age and have my mind put to work, but the drawback was that my mother would only be able to see me one day a week so she declined, but whether that was the right choice to make was down to her being so close to her Son. This made it difficult and I still wonder what my life would have been like if she would have accepted, But no mother wants to be parted from their son so I don’t blame her.

They then spoke to the local primary school and the headmaster agreed to take me in as a pupil if I was examined and tested again, so again I went through tests and had a medical Examination and at three and a half I started school, a year before I was supposed to, everything was going great and then when I was four and a half I stayed in the same class as the new pupils arrived so I would progress at the same age group.

I continued to pass year for year getting excellent grades and was reading newspapers instead of Mr Men books which my mum was very proud of, I didn't really consider myself Intelligent and everything just seemed natural, apart from the Headaches.

Then when I was 4 years old my grandma died suddenly, I was very close to her, I never got to see her and it hit me hard but I didn't realise it at the time, it was later to become a big impact on my life. After a few months I began to not eat, I wasn't sleeping, I wouldn't go to the toilet and I was imagining that I was swallowing my Adams apple, sounds crazy but I remember it like it was yesterday and it was very real to me, even today I feel my throat when I am anxious or stressed, The Doctor put it down to the death of my Grandma and life continued.

Then one day I was taken into hospital as my GP was concerned, I barely weighed anything and my mum and sister said they could see my internal organs I was that thin, I spent several weeks in hospital regaining my weight until eventually I was allowed home, my mum never left the hospital, she had to remain there because I used to scream the place down if she was not close by, I still remember this clear as a bell, even being strapped to my cot when I was one year old.

Then it was back to school and everything was fine, back with friends etc until I reached the age of six, during that year everything was about to change my life.

There used to be a woodland behind our house, there was a river through it, and there were Horses there. I used to like to walk a lot and often went down to the river and collect frog spawn so I could grow them in the back yard, this day was different though, I was walking down to the river as usual and someone had a gun, It wasn’t uncommon for people to go shooting down the woods.
It was only an air rifle but he pointed it at me and asked me if I wanted a go so I said yes, after all I had never seen a gun let alone fire one but it was a big mistake as he forced me to do stuff to him.
Afterwards I ran home and told my Brother and Sister what happened, At the time I didn't understand as I was too young but I noticed on their face something was wrong, I still remember my Sister whispering to my Mum about what I had said and the atmosphere in the room was as thick as tar.

After long interviews with the Police an

seh1980
05-04-05, 11:03
hello Barewolf,

Firstly, welcome to the forum!! :)

You have had a very tought life and it is no wonder that you suffer from anxiety and depression. A lot of people in your situation would have given up long ago - I don't think I would have been able to cope. You have done very well just to overcome these things, even if you are still suffering because of them.

Everyone on this site is very friendly and I'm sure that we can offer you some support. Looking forward to getting to know you better. We have a chat room here as well, which we use in the evenings after around 9pm. Why don't you pop in for a chat?

Sarah :D

zena
05-04-05, 11:17
Hello Barewolf.

I read your post earlier and thought 'wow' This person has been through an awful lot for one being so young.

I applaud you for the fight you have put up and have respect for you.

It must have taken alot to actually write it all down.

You will get loads of advise on this forum and loads of support.
Take care honey.

with good wishes

Zena

Barewolf
05-04-05, 14:40
Thanks for the warm welcome, appreciate it:)

Meg
05-04-05, 15:06
Hey Barewolf,

Thank you for sharing your colouful past history so honestly.

Several things really spring out.

You have great resilience despite the anxiety and depression which are secondary to your life events.

Somewhere throughout all of this you manage to dig deep and find courage, strength, integrity, stamina, compassion, altruism and intermittantly some subdued but driven optimism, although thats gone awol at present.

At present what meds are you on ?
What sort of therapies have you had in the past ?
Realistically, how is your current alcohol intake ?
Who do you live with now ?

It is not to late to recover from this at all and you have already shown all the qualities necessary to do so.

Congratulations on your degree - whats the second on ?

Guess it depends a lot on your overall detemination and ambition to get better as there is not a quick fix but there are several ways to get there. You will need to find within yourself some willpower and patience.

Where are you finding support from at present ?

This is a starting point : First Steps to overcoming Panic and Anxiety (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=942)


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

kairen
05-04-05, 15:13
hi barewolf,

wlcome to this site, you will get all the support you need on here, everyone is really friendly, and there is aways some one who will understand what you are going through, I dont think you realize how strong a person you are to have come through all of that,

well done on your degree, you should be proud of yourself and your achievements, I do hope you find some comfort in this site, it has been a godsend for me

take care xx hopefully see u in that chat room they are a great bunch here

kairen x

Barewolf
05-04-05, 16:12
@Meg

At present what meds are you on ?

I am currently on Olanzapine, 2.5mg twice a day. It has helped with a lot of my anxiety but still not enough to get me out the door and to a shop for example.
When I was on Vallium I could at least get out more.

What sort of therapies have you had in the past ?

I’ve had Hypnotherapy, Medication, Psychiatric Key Nurse. And I think I had some CBT not sure. Had relaxation therapy when I was in Hospital. Offered ECT but refuse to do it.

Realistically, how is your current alcohol intake ?

Depends, 6 pints when I do drink and that can be upto 3-4 times a week.

Who do you live with now ?

Currently living with my parents, cant manage on my own the way I am at the moment.

Congratulations on your degree - whats the second on ?

Psychology, recently changed my degree from Computers.

Where are you finding support from at present ?

At the moment I get no support, recently out of hospital and they did nothing while I was in there except observe me, got no back up from the hospital at all.

Meg
05-04-05, 22:11
Hi Barewolf,

If you can't remember your CBT then it was either not good or you were not well enough to take it in.

Good that you are getting some relief from your medication.

The not eating coupled with alcohol is your biggest issue as it really puts your endocrine system as well as the nervous system under strain and your blood sugar balance must be quite labile, which in itself can cause fear, anxiety and panic symptoms. The quantity is not all that concerning in the great scheme of things.

If you can eat when alone can you make a point of eating really well and regularly to assist with this.

If you're willing to make the effort www.nopanic.co.uk do a free phone CBT course aimed at people who are agoraphobic.

Having been so 'out there' do you ever feel very alone with this ? Are your parents supportive and understanding ?

Some people start their own thread on here where you can get encouragement and support and use it as a bit of a journal. It can be very therapeutic to write stuff down and get it off your chest.

Hypoglycemia (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=189)

Alcohol and medication (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2143)

New here and suffering from anticipatory anxiety (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3018)

You need to refind something that challenges you mentally - that you feel in control of and can really lose yourself in and ultimately be proud of- are you at dissertation stage yet

what sort of things trigger your fears and challenge your thoughts surrounding them ? Its a huge internal debate

Thoughts : Lets try to keep our thoughts in perspective (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=283)
More thoughts : Mind Games (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1789)

Some exercise and some active relaxation will all aid you too. Maybe you could keep returning to martial arts in mind for the medium future.

Ok enough for now, but do really know that this is not how it needs to be for your future


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

Jan
05-04-05, 23:20
Barewolf

What a life. The important thing is you are still here and have acknowledged that life is indeed precious and there is so much more out there that we dont realise. You have done so well that you should be congratulating yourself on that and try not to berate yourself for the bad things. The past is exactly that past. You are not to blame for other peoples actions. We all have freedom of choice so never blame yourself.Easier said than done I know. i think that you are doing fantastic with the educational side and hope that you carry it on. It will do you so much good.

Keep up with posting and chatting on here. Everyone is so caring and helpful and as you can see from other peoples experiences there is a way out and with a little help and support you will get there

Take care and yeh for you helping the police.



Janine

Barewolf
06-04-05, 14:55
I never feel alone with anxiety and my parents are supportive, its just very hard when I wake up anxious and have to cope all day feeling the way I do.

I try to distract myself by using the pc and studying but that doesn’t always work.

nomorepanic
06-04-05, 18:24
Hi Barewolf

Firstly welcome aboard the forum.

Secondly - wow that was the longest post ever on this forum. I read it all with intrigue and wondering what was going to happen next in your life.

Seems like you have done so much and had so many experiences - that would be hard on anyone I am sure.

Meg has offered you all the tips and previous posts that I would have done. I have done the "No panic" telephone recovery course in the past and it is very good so may be worth trying.

Take some time to read the posts and the stuff on the website and there may be something that clicks with you and helps you along.

I hope we can offer some good support for you along the way.

Nicola