Had enough

[Carla08]

I wasnt going to write this and the tears are streaming down as I am. I really really really have just had enough of everything. I have been crying on/off for hours since 4amish. I really try as hard as I can but I cant get positive anymore. I live on my onw, rarely get out because of the stupid agoraphobia and panic and anxiety. My ex has long gone now since we split a couple of weeks ago and I have no family and all my friends have long gone. I just push everyone away with how I am. My son lives away and I never see him hardly unless he visits occassionally. I feel so isolated and its so scary. I dont know what to do anymore. Everywheere you read its the same old...turn to family and friends, well what if you dont have them. I dont have any of that. I am under the age of 40 and feel like I am 90. I used to be so ougoing and bubbly and confident and then it all changed. It is so tough when you are like this and live on own with no one in your life. Its like someone has locked me in a prison cell and I am watching out of a window life passing me by. I dont even know where to start anymore at improving things for me.

[Liverbird67]

Hey Carla

You need to take a step back hun, ok so you have no friends and family, (that could be fortunate in itself I have very large family and believe me I tell them nothing about my anxiety and panic) there are plenty of people on here to give you support sweetheart, have a little bit of faith, go into the chatrooms you don't have to contribute straight away just get the feel for it, everyone is so welcoming, you are probably going through a very rough patch at the moment, please don't let it beat you (I know that this is easier said than done, I have been there and it is blooming horrible, sometimes you just want to give up!!!!!!) try to get out and about - not big blinging trips into town on a saturday, go out for a paper everyday to the corner shop, call into the library once a week if you can, look after yourself, get into the habit of just popping out for 5 mins you will be able to expand on this in time, if things are really bad go to doctors, see if some medication can give you a little start (beware though some can make you feel worse before you start to get better) you are still young enough to make a fresh start. Remember every day is a new day.

Hope this helps.

Lots of Love and Good Luck
Debbie

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[thevoicewithinme]

:hugs: Carla hun, that is so similar to the posting I put on here yesterday. No I don't live on my own, I have my kids and I have my boyfriend and his sister too has been a support to me, but I don't have any friends, none whatsoever.

I also know exactly how lonely and isolated you feel because of the agoraphobia and panic/anxiety, and feeling like this only brings us lower because we have way too much time to dwell on how we are feeling.

I know from your other posting that you are awaiting CBT, try and think of this as a positive, a step towards your recovery. You, me, all of us, can do it, we just need to have confidence in ourselves, to try and be more positive and not to be so negative (listen to me telling you, when only this morning I was doing just that).

Sorry if I haven't been much help Carla, but I am here if you ever need someone to listen to you, and be there for you, as I am sure you will find other NMP members will be too. Remember, most of us are in the same boat.. I have found getting encouragement from people on here truly does help.

If you ever need to talk, don't be frightened to pm me ok?

Kaz xxx

[marie1974]

hi carla i am so sorry you are feeling this down but i know you hear this before but you can and will feel better, i dont hardly see my family although having kids keeps me busy but mayb try to take little steps at a time try stepping outside and progress from there and if you are able to mayb do charity work in shop once a week until u r a bit more confident to do more and this way you will meet people and friends, also what about ringing charitys like samaritions and mind they might know of people who could go to your house and help give you some support. you are strong and you will find strength to overcome this honey but little goals and intime things will improve. at the moment you are in a rut and staying in doors is not helping i know agrophobia does not help and finding someone to help you take this little steps would be a big help for you but dont give up you can do it, keep postin and you can pm me anytime hugs xxx

[Bill]

You must Never feel alone Carla:hugs:

There are Lots of people here who understand how you're feeling because they've been there themselves.:hugs:

Once you start your CBT, it'll be your first step to getting better and breaking free from your anxiety.

You've just lost all your confidence and CBT is all about re-installing it.

Once it starts helping you to get out and about again, your life will only get better!!! I'm quite Sure it Will too!!!

Persevere and work with your therapist and you'll get there.

Keep smiling Carla and remember everyone here is With You!:bighug1:

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs: dear carla, i am so sorry that you are feeling this bad right now - but it will pass! i hear you saying how will it pass? how can i ever get out of this hole im in? - well the answer is in lots of ways. i was depressed again last year and i think it makes no difference whether you have friends or family at all, because as you know ppl like us are great at isolating ourselves because we 'feel' we are 'different'? well we are only different to the 3 in 4 who arent suffering at any given time, but we are the same as every other i in 4 who IS suffering, amny many of them are using this site to feel more connected , because obviously we dont walk around with it printed on our fronts!!!

but even when you can get back into society you will meet many many ppl who suffer and struggle or who have done so.

i never ever thought i would be 'free' of this monster, but i am!!! and if i am yo can be too?!!! you have to lower your expectations and you have to bring the steps of recovery within reach - make every step manageable because success breeds success. never ever lose touch with the person you once was because that person hasnt gone anywhere and i used that as my inspiration - if id felt different and better once then i could feel it again? once you start to think like this you know you are getting better, becaue it opens up the possibility to yourself of positive change.

depression is an illness and it needs to be tackled before you can deal with your agoraphobia - whether you go down the meds route or you use cbt and other things to heal the depression - it can be done! i watched myself come back alive last year and it was amazing, i cannot beleive now when i look back tha ti felt that bad, but i did and now i dont and with the right help you will recover - plenty have carla, so never ever give up hope. we are all heere for you and we want to help you to get yourself better. from my experience my agoraphobia and depression were trying to tell me something about myself - they were saying you put too much pressure on yourself, your standards are too high. you are too unforgiving of yourself and everyone else, you have forgotten that you are as important as anyone who walks this earth, you have alot to offer and you are good at things, you are putting other things before yourself, you are taking things too personally and too seriously, in short i was making lots and lots of thinking errors that were harming me and my relationships (i have 3 carla!) and i needed to learn how to stop that and to get to a place where i didnt do this anymore,a nd like any new skill it takes plenty of time and practice and patience (btw im talkning about cbt here). so its working and now the old me is returning but even better because although the old me could do things with ease, i wasn t avery nice person and i wasnt easy to be around, and i now think i am much nicer and easier:hugs: take care, keep posting, emma:flowers:

[milly jones]

hey carla,

will u be my friend?

i have great difficulty in making friends, but do have some on nmp

please come into chat to meet

milly x

[Carla08]

A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL SOOOO BETTER.
:flowers:
Yesterday was a really bad day. In fact the worse day I have had for ages.I had been a bit down the previous day and then yesterday it landed full force. I logged off the site and cried for ages.:weep: I then briefly came back on this morning and read all your lovely supportive encouraging replies. Thank You all so much for taking the time out to reply. You dont know what a difference the replies made to me! :yesyes: Today I forced myself out as I couldnt bear being stuck inside on such a beautiful day and I went out and actually quite enjoyed it with NO panic attacks. :yahoo: I think I drank a bottle of Rescue Remedy tho! :wacko: I still will avoid chatting with people when out as I cant stand it sometimes.:blush: No one would believe that I used to be the most happiest outgoing chattiest person around over a year ago.:roflmao: I then made myself mow the lawns which ok is nothing great :lac: but I did it without the agarophobia making me want to hide inside. :yahoo: I was still anxious but I kept being positive and getting rid of the anxious thoughts by replacing them with positive upbeat ones.:yesyes: I kept thinking about all your replies and they just kept going over in my head and they really helped. If I could hug and kiss you all for that I would.:bighug1:

[Carla08]

Hi Milly:)

How are you today? Thank you for your message. When I am 'brave enough' to go into chat I will. Can you actually believe I can get panicky about going into chat?!!!:ohmy: :blush:
& I would love to be your friend!:bighug1:

[sheba2]

Hi Carla

I missed your post yesterday but I'm so pleased that you have had a much better day today. I am amazed that you have managed to pull yourself through what was a really difficult day. Well done you must have a huge inner strength. Living with agorophobia is very isolating. It is so hard for others to understand and I think we tend to push people away so that we don't have to make excuses why we can't do things and join in.. I hope your cbt starts soon and that it helps get you out and meeting new people. Best of luck and again well done for being so positive today.

[doodah]

Hiya Carla,

I've only just read your first message and have to say it brought tears to my eyes. I felt exactly like you a few days ago! I do have family and friends but try not to let them know how isolated I can sometimes feel. But, like you, I MADE myself go out of the house and start doing things - not massive, giant steps, but little things just to get me motivated again. Well done for getting out there - I've had agoraphobia for years and I honestly know how you're feeling. You've got tons of friends on this site so don't EVER feel alone, eh?

And what a lovely message you got from Milly - bless!

Take it steady Carla and you WILL get there.

Wendy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:hugs:

[Carla08]

Awww Doodah, *Wendy* thank you. I am so sorry tho that my miserable message bought tears to your eyes. That was the last thing that I ever wanted to do. Today I am feeling much better and I loved the chat tonight especially with you, Milly and Est. It has been a long time since I chatted like that. I feel so much happier and positive.Your message really helps. I hope I can be of help to you all to at some point in return. Lots of love

[doodah]

Oooh! Don't worry about me having tears in my eyes Carla! I can start blubbering at a picked onion advert on TV - tee hee!

I'm REALLY pleased you're feeling better and so glad you enjoyed nattering with people in the chat room. It really does help doesn't it.

Keep on keeping on!

Wendy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Carla08]

Hi Wendy & to everyone else who has replied to my post,:)
Thanks for all your concern and your support, it is really helping me and if I could hug you all personally then I would. This is day 2 of feeling good. Yayyy. Hopefully I can at some point be able to help you too shoudl you need it.:bighug1:
I really enjoyed the lively fun chatroom and the quiz too, even if I didnt get the 'Milk' question quite right!!! lol:blush:
Have a good day as is possible everyone !:yahoo:

[Trixie]

Awww Doodah, *Wendy* thank you. I am so sorry tho that my miserable message bought tears to your eyes. That was the last thing that I ever wanted to do. Today I am feeling much better and I loved the chat tonight especially with you, Milly and Est. It has been a long time since I chatted like that. I feel so much happier and positive.Your message really helps. I hope I can be of help to you all to at some point in return. Lots of love


I know this might be something you are unable to do but have you thought of volunteering to work in a charity shop or hospital? You would only have to do it if you felt like it but you would make new friends.

My daughter has been confined to the house for over five years with agoraphobia, social paranoia, OCD, anxiety, depression, insomnia and she is a self harmer when stressed. And I know how stressed she use to get at the thought of having contact with strangers. I am glad you are feeling better :yesyes:

[marie1974]

hi carla i am so pleased you are feeling better and i firmly believe that exercise and fresh air can make your mood better and fix anxiety by loads so well done i hope you keep on feeling better hugs xxxxxx

[Carla08]

Hi Donna and Trixie
Thanks for your messages.:) I do believe Donna that exercise and fresh air really help. I have spent most of the day in the garden gardening and relaxing and I feel really good now. The sun helps too doesnt it. It was such a beautiful day and the neighbours were out too which helped lol:yahoo:
Trixie, I am sorry to hear about your daughter. How is she now? Does she do voluntary work? I have thought of volunteering. I am aiming to do that and hopefully the CBT will help me be able to do that. If not then I will just have to take my medication if it means that I am able to have some quality of life by reducing the anxiety and the rest. Some days I am ok but others really agoraphobic and panicky. It is difficult living on my own with it too, but somehow and I dont know how, I am managing it. The support on this site is a godsend to me too.:yesyes: The thought too of meeting new people and being 'out there' makes me feel so panicky and then I get panic attacks and feel like I cant breathe. :weep: Its a nightmare as I am sure you are all well aware of with how you all feel too with your own problems. I dont have my own transport and live alone since my ex left, and in quite a rural area where I have to rely on public transport, which can be difficult for me sometimes, but obviously I have to get out to get food etc so mostly I force myself to go out like yesterday. I cld ask for help with someone coming to my home, but I really dont want to do that cos I want to do this myself and get over all this. I know that if the CBT works then I am def going to put something back into helping people who are in similar situations to myself. I am just so glad that there is this site. I really am :bighug1:

[marie1974]

welldone carla just shows how strong you are and you will get through this and you are right you will be great at helping people who have similar problems keep up the great work and fresh air and exercise hunxxxx