What do you tell your kids if anything about your condition?

[breeze25]

I mean how can you explain to your kids that one day you can be fun mummy, and then another totally spaced out on another planet.

I have been very luckily recently and the majority of the time my anxiety has been managable, but when its not I know its very confusing for my son who's 8, he is fantastic and I have tried to explain to him sometimes I feel scared over things that most people are not scared of, we had a good chat a few months ago and now if I say to him mum is struggling a bit today he is very helpful, luckily my daughter is 1 so hasn't noticed yet, with me I can have years of remission from the anxeity, but then when it comes back its scary and I have to go through the whole process of understanding it and dealing with it, I do find that each time it comes back I can feel a little better about it.

Just started me thinking about how others with kids dealt with it.

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi mev, the answer to how i dealt with it is - i didnt!!! i was in turmoil constantly - i was a crap mum, i was going to scar her for life by not doing all the things she needed me to do with her, i was confusing her by putting her with her granparents who had completely different ways of dealing with her - (spoiling her:mad: ), i felt my behaviour would upset and worry her and as you know the guilt and list of things to worry about when you are a parent with an anxiety disorder goes on and on:weep:

BUT, i am now FREE of all of these thoughts and feelings - becasue i am free of the constant anxiety, but also like you each time i have a 'spell' i learn something more about myself and how to deal with it all - and this time tht did not include hating myself and feeling guilty for something that although i do have control over, i need time and energy to reverse the thought processes and behaviours - remember how long it took to get you into this mess? it does work in the reverse, when you fully accept these horrid physical symptoms of anxiety and carry on anyway.

but back to you and your kids - i was told by a therapist that i would never ever have harmed my child or ran off and left her in apanic, but i 'felt' i would, i now know he was right. and my other therapist that i finished with in february had discussed at length my situation and said that it is good for kids to experience some sort of stress or to see others not too great, it actually helps them to learn to deal with stress - so if you remove it all by whatever means then you run the risk of them not learning to deal with it. and if i go back to my childhood, my daughters life has been a breeze in comparison, but i am strong because of it - even if we do suffer anxiety and therfore think we are weak (which i personally think is one of the biggest thought mistakes you can make ansd which keeps you locked in this position - there is NOTHING to be ashamed of!) we are actually in real terms very very strong because although anxiety is normal this level of anxiety isnt and so living with it sometimes for many many years indicated great inner strength, which is better used in other areas and needs directing outwards:yesyes: and lastly something my therapist pointed out to me about 'guilt' the most stupid emotion (unless you have done something wrong) - you havce not purposely become like this? you ddint set out to be somebody who struggles with things that arent that hard to upset or inconveinience anyone, it happpened without you knowing it or undrstanding it adn so therfore there is no GUILT. the person who is hurting the most is you and thats the person you need to take most care of and to care most for, and then you can care for everyone else:hugs: :yesyes: take care mev, emma:flowers:

[milly jones]

hi hun,

my son is 11 and knows about my illness in full.

my belief is that unless we are straight about mental illness then the stigma will continue.

obviously like any other illness u would be respectful of a child's age and ability to understand.

i have found my son to be a great support and he demonstrates empathy and
tolerance to my difficulties, much more so i may add than my other half.

i hope that he will continue to grow in his maturity to be a tolerant adult and if he ever has to face anx in himself or others will deal with it with understanding and without fear.

i know ure kids a are younger but i believe anx makes people stronger if they confront it, so praps when they are able to cope its something that u could discuss with them at their level.

hope thats been of some help

please dont feel guilty for ue illness, u did not choose this path

milly x

[popsy]

I worry constantly that my conditon will somehow negatively effect my kids in the future. They dont even ask if Mummy is coming out with them and Daddy anymore as i rarely do.... i wonder what they really think of me. They are only just 6 and 4 and i wonder what impact or any it will have on their perceptions of women or mothers in general as they grow older?
I know they love me to bits and they cuddle me and want cuddles constantly, but they dont really mention my lack of involement at weekends they have just come to accept this, is that good or bad? I wonder if they think me lazy? im not sure....
It does bother me a lot though, especially as i was once told i must potect my children from my anxiety/depressive illness....???

[breeze25]

Many thanks all for your wonderful replies, it has made me feel so much better.

I do explain a little too my son and if I felt I shouted I go back later and explain to my son that I was wrong to shout etc, it wasn't his fault its just that .................................................. , if he knows I am not having a good day then he will do little things to help, like offer to wash up babies bottles, which is a big help.

But this hot weather is sending my irritability through the roof.

Like I said the replies have really helped and I am going to be more psitive today.

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs: :yesyes: hi mev, glad your feeling better! your son sounds really lovely, so you will have helped him no end by being how you are to 'care', not many kids would wash their baby brothers/sisters bottles would they? so in some ways he will lose but in others he will gain, this is what i realised over the years - and when i say lose i mean okay so you dont go to big football matches or go white water rafting together - big deal, hardly anybody does these things anyway:wacko: the only thing kids need is their parents love and care after that nothing else matters, if you can teach them to love themselves and have self-respect you have done a fab job:yesyes: also i wanted to say you are prob struggling right now becasue you have a 1 year old - there is a direct connection mev between the on-set of anxiety disorders and agoraphobia and childbirth - its all to do with hormones and added stress? take care of yourself mev and youll soon look back and realise it was a phase you were going through, its not actually you:winks: take care, emma:flowers:

[doodah]

Hiya mev,

I read your post yesterday so thought I'd ask my daughter (now 21) about what life was like for her when she was growing up (I've had agoraphobia, on and off, since before she was born). She just said there were times I got on her nerves, but that was nothing to do with the agoraphobia or my up and down moods - it was just a "mum-thing"!! As far as I can remember I explained to her at different stages of her life why I couldn't go to certain places etc. We were luck inasmuch as we had a great family (I was a single mum) who always included my daughter in trips out etc.

Some time last year I managed to get on a bus with my old mum which I hadn't done in years and years. I got a text message from my daughter telling me how proud she was of me!

So as far as she's concerned, I've always been "just a mum"!

All the best to you,

Wendy xxxxxxxxxxx