Having the " warning signs "...

[FreeFalling]

Hi All,

It's a little before 8:00 AM here in the States and I have a big day planned.
I was looking forward to it...but now I'm starting to have
"warning signs/symptoms" or maybe you would call it an "aura".

My chest is very tight and so is my throat and I become hyper sensitive to light...I start to see little halos around everything.
I'm having heartburn and I have not eaten breakfast yet.

I'm trying to figure out why I would be anxious. The plan is to go out on the boat and spend the day on the lake. I did that last Saturday and it was the best thing I had done in a very, very long time.
The fresh air and sunshine was wonderful.

Today the only difference will be that my bf's daughter will be coming along. She's 8 years old. We get along great. Maybe too great :D she won't give me a moment of peace...but I understand, and I love kids..I have two myself and a 4 year old granddaughter.

I think what it is....I know that my bf will just pawn her off on me...again, I love her and it has nothing to do with her....I think it's all about him...really...if I'm honest with myself...I don't know, I'm trying to work it out myself so I can become less anxious here.

He's divorced and get's his daughter once a week and every other weekend. Well guess who usually ends up taking care of her ?
Yes...that would be me. He uses me as a buildt in babysitter.

We don't do things as a family...it's usually...what can my boyfriend do and then I can either sit at home and watch his daughter or we can tag along and I can watch her. As long as he gets to do what he wants. I've tried to speak to him about it .
His response " Yes, I'm very selfish, always have been, always will be".

The thing is...he wasn't " selfish " when I met him and when we dated for the first year. This side came out after I moved in :weep:.

I guess I'm just getting myself worked up because I realize what a self centered person he really is....even when it comes to his little girls well being:weep:.

It literally takes my breath away....I think I know why now...just this second it dawned on me as tears come pouring down my face.

He's just like my father was.

Please forgive me, I don't mean to sound so dramatic..this is all just coming to me as I type.

Physically I'm feeling as if I'm going to have one...short of breath, bad headache, feels like someone has their hand around my neck...stomach is sick....

I know I must calm myself....it will be alright.

I can make the best of the day with his daughter...I just don't want to have a PA....

thanks for letting me vent...

I hope everyone else is having a good day...I'm sure I'll be fine in a bit.

one thing...does anyone else get " warning signs " before they have a PA ? Do you sense that you will have one coming on...or does it just happen all of a sudden with you ?

Thank you,
~Rebecca

[cassi23]

hey rebecca, i hope you are feeling a little better now.

i have a stressful situation also involving my step-daughter so i kinda know how you feel although its not really the same!

i just wanted you to know that you are not alone with the warning signs!
i often get light headed feeling, feeling like iv got a blockage in my throat,nausea, sometimes cant take a breath deep enough.

usually i can talk myself out of an attack when these start but last night i just had to grin and bear and the panick came in waves over about 2 hours - horrid.

feeling positive today though - try to think positively that even though your bf does this to you,you will be making a positive difference to the childs life!
distraction also works really well for me!

hugs

Char xxxxxxx

[bluebell68]

Hi...im glad you posted cos it has obviously helped you to identify what your anx trigger probably is today... i do get some warning symptoms of increased anx but it often doesn't lead to a full on PA... i tend to feel a bit lightheaded and headachy and i yawn a lot as if im exhusted also i become a litle bit hyper and find myself winding up and up...cos i can now recognise it, i can do things to calm myself down a bit like slow breathing and exercise/activity, which seems to decrease the adrenalin...i can understand why you might feel like your partner is taking you for granted a bit... it sounds like you wouldn't mind spending time with his daughter if he made some time just for you to do something you enjoy ... if you are feeling upset and angry about this, then you are gonna feel anxious but i know that you mentioned that you had spoken to him before without much sucess but i wonder if this is something you need to pursue further....im sure your partner cares very much for you...men are sooo thick skinned at times and he needs to realise that this isn't just something that is a little irritating for you but that it is really deeply affecting you and that it cannot be allowed to carry on... we all deserve to be treated with kindness and understanding by those we love and whilst i accept that sometimes we are all guilty of taking our partner for granted , it is something that when pointed out to us, we should make amends for...relationships are complicated and i know from experience that advice is usually unwise but if it were me.. i would probably broach the subject straight away but tell him that i will come on the day trip but that it is something that we will need to chat about later and then try to put this to the back of my mind and enjoy the day, especially as you said that you enjoyed the trip so much last weekend...... whatever you do decide to do i hope that you have a lovely day in the sunshine and fresh air and i am sure that you will be feeling much better by the end of the day...
xx Rachel

[FreeFalling]

Hello all,

Thanks very much, it helps to know you can relate.

I went out on the lake and tried to make the best of it...even though it felt like there was an invisible hand around my throat and something sitting on my chest for most of the day.

I kept focusing on my bf's daughter...fishing, talking, got off the boat & took a walk etc.

Then came the time when my bf promised me that we would leave (4:00PM). His daughter was getting tired and cranky, and I had errands to run for Mother's Day tomorrow and also my son's 18th birthday.

Just as I expected, he blew me (us) off telling us to shut it and that he wasn't ready to go...he'd go when he was ready....:mad:

I'm not a very confrontational person...and his daughter was there...but I can't explain what was going on inside of me....apparently it has been lurking there for a bit. I think I wrote to Mr. Bean that I didn't think I was a angry person....well...strike that!!!
All of a sudden I just felt this anger....I can almost say borderline rage well up inside off me:mad::mad::mad:

I wanted to scream at him " HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT "
" HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD"

I had visions of throwing him overboard and taking off with the boat...not hurting him :noangel:...I'd throw him a life presever....but he'd have to swim a really far !*#!-ing way !!!

I've had it with this man !!! I've had it with his selfish, nasty, degrading....etc.etc. ways....

Oh, by the way I didn't scream at him...I didn't say anything...if I would have...he would just fly of the handle.

So I just stuffed my feelings...and I could feel my heart beating in my throat and head.

All I could do was try to focus on breathing slow...and think about the day I have enough money to walk out of here...without one word...not one note...just disappear forever from his life...and finely start living again myself .

Now I just have to make it through tonight....tomorrow I will have a lovely day with my beautiful son on his 18th birthday...and I'll go see my Mom :).

I don't know if you celebrate Mother's Day in the UK...but Happy Mother's Day anyhow to all the Mom's in the world !

Thanks again for your input I really appreciate it :hugs:
~Rebecca

[eeyorelover]

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU TOO!!!
Sounds like you handled the stress really well!!! GREAT JOB!!!
Altho I like the idea of throwing him over board!
Maybe soaking his head would help him get that chip off his shoulder!!! LOL
Have a great day with your son and wish him a HAPPY B-DAY from all of us here !
:)
xxx
Sandy

[FreeFalling]

Hi Sandy,

Thanks ! I tried my very best yesterday. I feel embarrassed now that I posted the way he made me feel...again.

I guess what I'm embarrassed about or maybe the word is " ashamed " is that I'm in this horrible mess.
I considered myself a halfway intelligent woman, and I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.
Now I feel like only half the person I used to be at times. It's like he's sucking my spirit away, if that makes sense.

I never know how much to share on here because I'm also afraid that...I'm not really sure why. Maybe I'm afraid that everyone will see how weak I am...or just think I'm stupid...or whatever..I don't know.

All negative thoughts I know.....Anytime there is a special day, like today...Mother's Day & my son's Birthday, my bf will go out of his way to ruin it for me.

I don't understand this for the life of me...he will always pick a fight...or act in a way that is so irritating. I know you might be thinking maybe he does it because he doesn't want to go ?
I thought the same, and ask him he he would rather stay home, if that's why he always starts this pattern.
He acts like nothing is going on and that I'm imagining things and INSISTS on going.
I might ad that my family is not too crazy about him. My son can not stand him. They all treat him diplomaticly...but they never liked him from the very begining. If only I had listened to them.

I'm sorry about going on about this...there is much more that I'm not going into...and I do want to, but I guess I'm afraid and I'm also not sure how to put it all into words. I feel like I've been brainwashed half the time.

When I'm on my own and away from him, like during the week...I feel myself becoming stronger. When the weekend comes around...for the most part I dread it now.

Thanks again for everything xxx

Hapy Mother's Day !

~Rebecca

[misterbean]

Hello Freefalling

Sorry I've missed the boat - just read this now.

There is something very humbling when I witness someone having a sudden realisation, a penny dropping moment, and how something changes after that moment, snaps or heals depending on how you see it. Yes, we have spoken of HOW DARE YOU. Those seem to me both frightening and wonderful words.

D'you know, I think that one of the frightening things about this site is that you know that you will not be seen as stupid or weak, that it is safe enough for realisations to just slip out into your head whilst writing.

That doesn't take away your stupid or weak feeling, it seems to me as valid as my feeling the other week that I was manipulating everyone which feels now like a feeble reaction against being understood and held by you and others.

Anyway, I'm really glad that you did not 'stuff your feelings' with us. Scary though it might be to you, I found something wonderful about your anger.

Love Martin

[FreeFalling]

Martin,

Missed the boat :yesyes:..good one...you made me laugh...and cry
( in a good way) because you brought up excellent points !

Thank you so very much :flowers:,

~Rebecca

[milly jones]

i agree with martin,
whats wondeful about here is that u can be free to share all ur emotions in a safe arena, with friends who will always listen and never judge.

I too hope u had a good mothers day and happy birthday to ur son.

partners do find this illnesss incredibly difficult to comprehend. not that i support your bf actions, just that my hb really struggles. Ive almost given up gaining support from him and use nmp, however this causes more tension as he is almost jealous of me getting ur support not his. catch 22.

Best wishes

milly xxx