relationship problems

[mayson76]

I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks and agoraphobia since 2003, I have been on anti depressants for the last 3 years, and have finally got off them a couple of months ago.I do still feel anxious at times, but I am working really hard to try and get some sort of life for myself, firstly I have started having driving lessons, and I also want to lose weight, and pack in or cut down on my smoking.

I was starting to feel better until now.


I have been with my partner for 11 years, and we have 2 daughters ages 9 and 7.

For the last couple of days he has been in a reallly horrible mood, and yesterday he told me that we are finished. We have'nt got on for years to be honest, he seems to think that he has no responsibilites. There are 5 things that he does, they are the pub, watch TV , play golf, PC, and go to work.

As soon as he gets his monthly pay, he will be in the pub, I would'nt mind if he was straight with me, but he will say things like he is going the shop, and then won't come back until hours later, and by that time he is p****d up, and trying to start an argument. He will say things like he has gotten girls pregnant in the past, or that he has cheated on me loads of times, then the next day he will say that he only says these things so I will show that I have still got feelings for him, but when he has said stuff like that it just makes me hate him, and have loads of doubts.

I admit I do nag him at times, but only because he is so lazy and unsupportive. If some DIY needs doing around the house, if I am unable to do it myself, then I will ask him to do it, and he will say that he will do it if and when it suits him. And when he does get around to doing anything, he always leaves it half done. He will leave his dishes and clothes just lying around, then kick off if I have'nt washed something which he has left on top of the wardrobe.

I could go on forever about the things that he has done that annoy me, but I will spare you all from that.

The position that I find myself in now, is that he has said that we are finished, and from now on he will do what he wants when he wants. He says that he is going to carry on living here for the kids sake, but surely that is just using me for somewhere for him to live, its my house you see, he just moved himself in here 7 years ago.

I wish that I was strong enough to tell him to leave, but I am not. I am scared of him meeting someone else, and having children with them ( I am unable to have any more kids).

I just feel as though he is abusing me mentally all the time, he calls all the shots, and I hate myself for having allowed him to make me so weak that I just let him walk all over me.

He has never been supportive towards me where my anxiety or anything else for that matter , he would do things like walk out of the supermarket, and leave me on my own, or say that he would pick the kids up from school and then 10 minutes before he would go out to the pub so I would have to go and pick them up, and leaving me with no time to get someone to come with me, which at that time I found it really hard to leave the house on my own.

I truly feel as though I hate him, but for some reason, and I don't know what it is , I don't think I could cope if he left, I am so scared of my anxiety returning like before.

How would you deal with this situation.

Thanks for reading and sorry that this is so long.

[LindyF]

I feel you need to muster up every single ounce of strength within you, have a strong cup of tea then go upstairs and pack all his belongings and tell him to leave. Keeping him in the house under these circumstances will not be good for the children they are very clever at picking up 'vibes' you say you are scared he might meet someone else? would you rather put up with his behaviour for years and years to come? Sorry to sound to the point but keeping him in the house will not do any of you any good at all. Best he moves out and amicable arrangements made for him to see the children. BUT whatever you do never ever ever run him down in front of the children they are the innocent parties in this, you and he have fallen out of love with each other and can go your separate ways. He will be their daddy forever so don't risk their love for both you and him by running daddy down. An amicable split now will save you years of heartache. xxhugxx

[marie1974]

hi there i have to agree with lindy, he will drag you down even further and still carry on using you if you let him stay, its amazing what us women can do and the strength we have. i think you should put yourself and kids first and tell him to go then have sometime just for you and kids and eventually you will feel confident to go and and meet new people. you are worth more than that honey, and your kids will pick up on stuff even if you think they wont. keep posting let us know how you doing, hugs and be strong xxxxxx

[Lilith1980]

Hi Mayson





The position that I find myself in now, is that he has said that we are finished, and from now on he will do what he wants when he wants. He says that he is going to carry on living here for the kids sake, but surely that is just using me for somewhere for him to live, its my house you see, he just moved himself in here 7 years ago.

I found this quite unbelievable - how good of him to live with you "for the kids sake". From what you have said, it doesnt seem like he contributes to the kids' lives much at the moment so there isnt any advantage in him staying.

I personally think you deserve better than this hun. Have you ever talked to him about the way he treats you? Or are you worried at what he will say?

I cant believe he has told you he's slept with other girls, just to see if you will stay with him. To me, his behaviour represents someone who is extremely insecure in himself and has resorted to making you feel small just to keep you.

As I was reading, I was thinking "leave him" but no one here knows him as well as you do. Do you love him? Do you want things to work? Or are you only staying because you think you cannot cope without him?

If its the latter, then you are effectively coping without him already hun. He's never around. He lies about where he goes (goodness knows why, maybe it makes him feel like he's got one over you) and he doesnt seem to show you any respect.

If you do love him and want to have one last try, then maybe you should still pack his clothes and tell him to leave until he sorts his attitude out. The only problem is, when you give ultimatums, you have to mean them - there shouldnt be any half-heartedness in it, otherwise he wont get the message.

Dont beat yourself up, you are not weak, you are incredibly strong to have lived with this as long as you have.

I dont see how his behaviour is helping your anxiety at all. He seems to have drained you of your self-esteem, he hasnt supported you. I think one question that springs to mind is "Could you really be any worse off without him?". If anything, I think you would gain a lot more independence and self esteem if you didnt have to put up with this everyday.

As I said, my gut instinct says "get rid of him" but I know its not that easy hun. I've been in mentally abusive relationships and they aren't hard things to come out of, but you can come out the other side and be better off for it.

Sorry if I havent been much help :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[mumof4]

i would pluck up the courage and tell him to get out he will drag u down and make u feel worse u and the and the kids come first tell him to sling his hook he has no right to be there.

u will feel better for standing up to him and it will make u feel better

goodluck

[Carla08]

Hi Mayson
I am so sorry to hear about all about what you wrote. This man is no good for you at all. He is treating you as his wife and mother of your children with no respect. What you are saying to him in effect is Well you can treat me as badly as you can and I will put up with it cos I am scared of being left alone and you meeting someone else!!! Personally I would tell him Thank You for leaving cos you are doing me the biggest favour ever. Would he put up with it all if you were treating him like how he treats you? However obviously we only have your side of it all but if he is so bad then I would prefer to spend several lifetimes alone than ever spend a second with him. Personally I wld ask him to leave, but saying that, is he violent?? If so then in that case tread very carefully and get help and suppport before asking him to leave. This is from personal experience. My ex was never supportive and messed me up even more than what I was and now I live alone with agoraphobia panic attacks and anxiety, I dont have anyone else for me in terms of family or friends anymore, and I was so scared of being left alone, which I now am but as massively hard as it gets at times, I am still glad that I dont have the excuse for a 'man' that used to be around. Anything is preferable I find to being around someone who treats you like that! Being in a rship like you are in will not do you any good whatsoever and its not good for the children either to see you being treated this way. It will really affect your self esteem and all that goes with it, anxiety, depression etc. If he really is not willing to change, and doesnt ever prove that he can change then why stay with him? Would he put up with you acting like he does? Would he put up with you saying you had been sleeping around? of course not! I guess he wld have gone long ago if it were reversed roles. Men like him do your mental health no favours take it from me please. I hope it will all get sorted out and you can both be happy but from what you said any man that treats you this way is hardly going to suddenly change forever for the better is he? Men like that rarely change in my experience. I hope things change for the better for you. You deserve better than what you are putting up with. I wish you all the best.