Im in for a rough few days!

[jude]

Hello everyone,

Today I feel terrible. I am in for a busy anxious testing few days and my anxiety levels are sky high.

Tommorow we have to tow our new caravan up to my mums in Anglesey. Its 2 hours drive and I hate towing. The car is only just big enough to cope with it.
When we get there I have to stay overnight to take my daughter for a dress fitting the next day. She is being bridesmaid for my sister in two weeks!

We will return on Friday, but on Saturday morning I have to go away for the weekend on a training course...on my own. I have never done this before.

So Im really nervous. The anxiety is causing the DP to be so bad that I dont feel here at all. I have just walked to the shop and felt so alone and vulnerable because I didnt feel real and felt like I was about to disappear into oblivion.
Why cant I rationalise these horrid thoughts. I know deep inside that its anxiety, but cant convince myself that Im going to be OK.

I hate feeling like this.
Jude x

[florence]

Awwwwww hun, you are going to be O.K .
I ve been there so many times....going to places, even the nearest shop....thinking i was gonna disappear any minute. I bet , when you look at yourself in the mirror, you can see yourself, but can't "feel" yourself, am i right?
You are NOT going to disappear hun, its horrible indeed but it won't last forever. I was wondering if you feel the same as me: Do you believe, when you go somewhere, that you will never reach the destination?
Thats how i feel most of the time, but i always reach the destination no matter how convinced I wont. Amazing, huh. And confusing ! [:O]
Best wishes

Florence. x

**See the world more as what it is, less as what you are.**

[jude]

Hi Florence,

Yes I do feel like that. and when I return home, I dont feel as though Iv been at all...like I dreamed it all. Its so weird!

Convincing myself that I am still here, alive and not been taken over by something awful is hard.
Yes, when I look in the mirror I can see 'me' but not feel 'me'.
Isnt it horrid. I wish there was something we could do to prove that this will go away eventually. A normal moment now and again just isnt enough, cos when the dp returns, I cant remember feeling normal!
Thanks for answering me Florence. It really does help.
Jude x

[rachel25]

Hi Jude, i am not sure about what you are going through but it sounds terrible. I hope that the weekend goes great for you and i will be sending you positive thoughts

Rachxxxx

[kairen]

hi jude,,

i know just how you feel its a bit like being drunk but without the fun part,
i know its easy to say but try not to dwell on it to much. and as for your course just think about how proud of yourself you will be once you have done it, and what i relief it will be once it over. hope you get through it ok


take care xx

kairen x

[florence]

Hey Jude

Me again ;) , I know 100% what you're going through, to me, its one of the most horrible sensations ever, feeling unreal that is. You feel half alive, and like you said "empty, with no soul". You're living in the shadows and you're doubting there's a way out. I know what you mean when you say "not being able to remember whats normality", but I can reassure you, a part of you knows and remembers it all: the subconscious. A thing I recently learnt in hypnosis.
Just hang in there hun, it will pass I promise, it passed for me and it will for you. It comes back again , but it goes again.
Here's a quote my hypnotherapist told me , which I think is a very nice quote, and i want to share it with you : " I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, and it wasn't a train."
You have my support.
Take care.

Florence. x

**See the world more as what it is, less as what you are.**

[seh1980]

hello Jude,

I'm sure it will all go better than you expect!! Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Sarah :D

[sal]

Hi Jude

Remember they are irrational thoughts, however hard they get. I am sure you will be fine on your course, will be thinking off you.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[nomorepanic]

Jude

Hiya mate. Where are you staying for the course. In a hotel ?

Nicola

[jude]

Hi Nicola,

Im supposed to be staying in Bed and breakfast. The course is to gain a license to be a great crested newt handler. The environment group I am secretary for are depending on me. I know I will go, Im just very scared of doing it all alone. I feel so lost sometimes.
Iv not been without my kids at night for 5 years. Strange isnt it.

Jude x

Be gentle with yourself....you just need some time to heal.

[della]

hi jude

I know when i had to do things andfelt like you it was hard work. All i can suggest is that when you go on your course that you take some thing that really comforts you. Take anything that gives you a feeling of security i used to take a cuddly dog. I know that at times of stress we often feel like crying and the item that you take will give you some thing to CUDDLE...which in turn will make you feel more relaxed and secure.
hope it helps you...[:I]

[nomorepanic]

Jude

Are you worried about staying alone. When I used to go to hotels alone I would sometimes feel a bit weird the first night there. I would sit in my room and have feelings of wanting to go home again!

The way I combat this is taking something to do. Nowadays I take the laptop and write some stuff for the website. You could take a book to read or a puzzle book. Will you be alone in the B&B or with others?

I can call you one night if you want a chat ok.

Nicola

[jude]

Thanks Nicola,

The other people on the course will be there, but I dont know any of them. Im hoping I will get to know some of them on the first day. At least then I wont feel so isolated.
I think Im anxious because Iv never done this before....my first time away alone. Having said that, I volunteered to do this because I wanted to prove to myself that I could. Sometimes I think Im a glutton for punishment.lol.
I am learning that having this anxiety disorder makes you more determined in life. I dont know whether thats the same for everyone, but I am damned if Im going to let it get the better of me.

Jude x

Be gentle with yourself....you just need some time to heal.

[nomorepanic]

Jude

That is a great attitude to have mate!! Go for it and you will succeed.

If you want my mobile number to text me then let me know. Fingers crossed that all goes ok


Nicola

[jude]

Thanks Nicola. Have sent you a PM.

Jude x

Be gentle with yourself....you just need some time to heal.

[sal]

Jude

As you say you dont know them but you will get to know them. You wont be alone as i am sure you will connect with people on this course. The fact you are doing it speaks volumes.

Best of luck and enjoy it hon.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[jude]

Hi everyone,

Just popped in to say hello, in between nightmares.
Actually, the first half hasnt been so bad.
We took the caravan to Anglesey. I calmed down a bit once we got there. Just got back home an hour ago. Now Im packing for the weekend course.

Im very relieved to have one bad bit over and coped quite well with it.

Sorry I cant stay long to reply to anybody's posts, Im really busy sortin the kids out and getting everything ready for the morning.

Jude x

Be gentle with yourself....you just need some time to heal.

[sal]

You did half of it okay and you will do the rest okay. Good luck, i have no doubt you will be fine.

Thinking of you and waiting to see how you get on.

Take care.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[jude]

Hi everyone,

Im back and Im exhausted!

Thanks for the text Nicola!

I was Ok most of the time, had lots of dp, but I coped with it...just about.

Its strange how you can do stuff with all these strange feelings going on in your head, and nobody knows you are feeling weird!

Last night was pretty hard. I was really tired and when I lay down to go to sleep the unreal feeling was really strong. I almost panicked, but managed to stay calm.

Still feel pretty spaced out, but think Il feel better after some sleep.

Thanks for all your support. It really helps.
When I felt panic coming on, I thought of you all and it calmed me down.

Jude x

Be gentle with yourself....you just need some time to heal.

[Meg]

Hey Jude,

Well done ... see.. You can do more than you thought you could !!
How are the newts ??


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[jude]

Hi Meg,

We spend four hours in a freezin cold field, being rained and hailed on, and managed to find one newt.

Returned this morning, eight thirty and bleary eyed, and found two.

Course over, thank god. I can now get my license.

Cant wait to get in my nice warm bed[xx(]

Jude x

Be gentle with yourself....you just need some time to heal.

[nomorepanic]

Well done Jude - you did it!!

It is nice to be back home to your own bed isn't it?

Have a nice early night and chill out.

Nicola

[seh1980]

Well done Jude!! Bet you are happy to be home :D

[sal]

Hi Jude

You did it well done mate. Proud of you.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[Jan]

Hi Jude

Sorry i didnt read your post earlier although I came in and found the fantastic news that you survived it all. Dp is a vicious circle we feel anxious the dp gets worse, the dp gets worse the anxiety raises, as I say time and time again if only there was a one off pill to take that would make it go away forever.

You have done so well and am sure you have proved something to yourself. I really admire you so much.

take care xxx

Janine

[jude]

Thanks everyone for the suport.

Unfortunately I dont really feel proud of myself or feel as though I achieved anything.

I would feel happier if Id got through without feeling anxiety or dp.
But as I did , and its always in the background, popping up whenever theres a gap in my thinking, I dont feel like I suceeded.

I just feel...ok...i got through that....but it will still be there next time I do anything....always bugging me......theres no escape....Im stuck with this etc etc

Do you think this will get any easier the more I practise. I hate the thought of having to try ignoring these feelings for the rest of my life. How do we forget how dp feels?

Jude x

Be gentle with yourself....you just need some time to heal.

[seh1980]

hi Jude,

You should feel proud of yourself hun!! Lots of people wouldn't have had the guts to go but you did!! It doesn't matter that you felt those anxious feelings - what matters is that you managed to deal with them. It will definitely get easier with time..

Sarah :D

[lainey]

Hi Jude

Just caught up with your posts, you have done so well mate!
You should fel proud of yourself as having to go through it feeling anxious means you have climbed a far higher mountain I think.
I am sure the feelingd of DP with time, mine did.

By the way I'm from Wrexham too, what part are you from?
I now live in Cardiff, but come up to see the family.

Take care

Elaine x

[jude]

Hi Lainey,

I live in Marchwiel. Just outside of Wrexham on the whitchurch side. We were lucky enough to have a house built with my hubby's disability in mind.

Thanks for your kind words.

Jude x


Be gentle with yourself....you just need some time to heal.

[lainey]

Hi Jude

I'm from Rhos, but have been in Cardiff for 25 years, it's nice to meet someone from my neck of the woods.

Take care

Elaine x

[Jan]

Jude

Try not to be negative about how well you did. You did fantastic and dont forget it. The anxiety was a natural state of mind to be in for you taking a huge step but you didnt run away you rode through it. I know what you mean about the dp. I am forgetting what it is like not to be like it. What a nitemare eh.

Take care and try to be positive.



Janine

[sal]

Jude

Panic attack or not you got through it and you should be well proud of yourself, we are. You did what you werent sure you would achieve.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.