Christine888
14-05-08, 21:44
Hello,
I don't know where to begin? My name is Christine and I'm 37. I feel as if I have been hit in the gut after coming here, and I want to cry.
The first time I can remember worrying about something was when I was about 12. I started hearing about this thing called AIDS. People were saying you could catch it from touching something that had been touched by someone with it !!! I wasn't even sexually active untill I was 20, but still...
I was convinced I had it, or would get it from a very early age.
Somehow I overcame my fear about AIDS but I replaced it with something else. Have lead what I would call a semi normal life, but now that I have found this place, and read your stories and conversations, I realize that my life has been angst ridden and full of emotions and worries that a lot of people couldn't begin to imagine...except you, the people on this site.
I have been searching for something... answers or at least something that would explain why I go through the phases that I do. I have felt for a long time that something just isn't right, and I am at the point of what feels like insanity. This time I am worried about something, but I am also depressed, and it just won't let go.
About two weeks ago I was attacked on my way home one evening. I had been enjoying myself, and was stopped by someone who tried to strike up a conversation. I was in a hurry but the person grabbed me and tried to pull me into an alley. The person wouldn't let me go, and then started to try and kiss me. By some miracle I managed to get away but only after pretending that I was playing along. I ended up distracting the person to a certain point and then I kicked that person in a very "special place". I ran and ran, and managed to get away but now I feel guilty.
I am married, and I share my life with the most fantastic man. He is away a lot, and this can be very lonely at times. I have loving parents, great friends and a lot to be happy about, but sometimes I lose sight of that and cover myself in this blanket of worry, paranoia and angst.
Once during my marrige have I made a mistake. I ended up in a tricky situation with another man whilst VERY drunk. Won't the defend the fact that I was drunk, except to say that I had gone through a very difficult time due to almost losing my mother to cancer. I have learnt that there are certain times in my life when I just can't touch alcohol, and my husband knows about the situation with the other man, and he has forgiven me. Some people might not say that I was unfaithful in that situation, but I feel as if I was... my heart was for a few brief minutes.
Fast forward to now, and the attack. Suddenly it's not about being happy that I got out of that situation, but it's about the fact that I had drunk alcohol on that evening. I remember every detail, but I still worry that I might have blanked out things. I worry that I was in fact raped, and that the person gave me every illness in the book. A woman knows when certain parts have been tampered with, and I know that the worst case didn't happen, BUT it's as if my worry becomes the truth. Does that make sense ?? I should be so happy and glad that I got away, but I worry that one drop of saliva from the guy when he tried kissing has infected me with something, even if he never did kiss me on the mouth.
As I wrote initially... I want to cry. The feeling of worry is all too familiar and I am so fed up with it. I just want to enjoy my life, my husband... everything. My husband knows about the attack, and it has been reported to the police, but still... I can't seem to be glad that I got away, and that I have nothing to worry about. It's as if I HAVE TO BE WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING !!!
Sorry do go on and on, but this has opened a can of worms and I want to help myself and stop this.
Thank you for reading
Christine
I don't know where to begin? My name is Christine and I'm 37. I feel as if I have been hit in the gut after coming here, and I want to cry.
The first time I can remember worrying about something was when I was about 12. I started hearing about this thing called AIDS. People were saying you could catch it from touching something that had been touched by someone with it !!! I wasn't even sexually active untill I was 20, but still...
I was convinced I had it, or would get it from a very early age.
Somehow I overcame my fear about AIDS but I replaced it with something else. Have lead what I would call a semi normal life, but now that I have found this place, and read your stories and conversations, I realize that my life has been angst ridden and full of emotions and worries that a lot of people couldn't begin to imagine...except you, the people on this site.
I have been searching for something... answers or at least something that would explain why I go through the phases that I do. I have felt for a long time that something just isn't right, and I am at the point of what feels like insanity. This time I am worried about something, but I am also depressed, and it just won't let go.
About two weeks ago I was attacked on my way home one evening. I had been enjoying myself, and was stopped by someone who tried to strike up a conversation. I was in a hurry but the person grabbed me and tried to pull me into an alley. The person wouldn't let me go, and then started to try and kiss me. By some miracle I managed to get away but only after pretending that I was playing along. I ended up distracting the person to a certain point and then I kicked that person in a very "special place". I ran and ran, and managed to get away but now I feel guilty.
I am married, and I share my life with the most fantastic man. He is away a lot, and this can be very lonely at times. I have loving parents, great friends and a lot to be happy about, but sometimes I lose sight of that and cover myself in this blanket of worry, paranoia and angst.
Once during my marrige have I made a mistake. I ended up in a tricky situation with another man whilst VERY drunk. Won't the defend the fact that I was drunk, except to say that I had gone through a very difficult time due to almost losing my mother to cancer. I have learnt that there are certain times in my life when I just can't touch alcohol, and my husband knows about the situation with the other man, and he has forgiven me. Some people might not say that I was unfaithful in that situation, but I feel as if I was... my heart was for a few brief minutes.
Fast forward to now, and the attack. Suddenly it's not about being happy that I got out of that situation, but it's about the fact that I had drunk alcohol on that evening. I remember every detail, but I still worry that I might have blanked out things. I worry that I was in fact raped, and that the person gave me every illness in the book. A woman knows when certain parts have been tampered with, and I know that the worst case didn't happen, BUT it's as if my worry becomes the truth. Does that make sense ?? I should be so happy and glad that I got away, but I worry that one drop of saliva from the guy when he tried kissing has infected me with something, even if he never did kiss me on the mouth.
As I wrote initially... I want to cry. The feeling of worry is all too familiar and I am so fed up with it. I just want to enjoy my life, my husband... everything. My husband knows about the attack, and it has been reported to the police, but still... I can't seem to be glad that I got away, and that I have nothing to worry about. It's as if I HAVE TO BE WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING !!!
Sorry do go on and on, but this has opened a can of worms and I want to help myself and stop this.
Thank you for reading
Christine