Zingara
15-05-08, 12:41
Hi....I wrote a few weeks ago about all my problems...I had a total thyroidectomy eight months ago now, and since then my life has been a disaster area. The irony is that physically everything went very well. I had a very large goitre (a swelling of the thyroid gland, in the neck) which affected my confidence badly. Basically I had to wear roll neck sweaters all the time, or large scarves in the summer. It caused me a lot of distress, and I got a lot of hurtful comments about it, because it was visible even through my jumpers. I kept avoiding surgery, though, because I was terrified of it. Anyway, early last year it began to grow even bigger and an extra lump appeared just above it. I endured a terrifying week while tests were done, the consultant telling me it was likely to be a cancerous lymph node and I would need to undergo a five hour cancer operation. I had an MRI scan and was told that the extra lump was just thyroid tissue. I then went to see another surgeon in Cambridge, and finally had the operation in September. I was originally supposed to have it in May, but it had to be cancelled because I had an ear infection.
The operation went very well, but since it took place I have been terribly, desperately overwhelmed with emotion. I cry about it nearly every day. I have developed an intense nostalgia for the goitre (which I hated!) and for my stay in hospital. I left hospital a day early because I had a sudden intense desire to get home, and then got stuck in a terrible traffic jam on the way home, which brought on an overwhelming panic attack. I had to go and lie down at a Travel Inn at the side of the road. When I finally did get home I was overwhelmed with the most desperate sense of anticlimax you can possibly imagine. I also could not stop blaming myself for leaving the hospital a day early. On one level I knew it was trivial, but somehow I could not stop feeling that somehow I had 'spoiled' things. I still have this feeling now, eight months later.
Everything about my operation is emotional for me, I can't look at photos or listen to music that I listened to then without crying. I can't take any pleasure in having a 'normal' neck, which was the one thing I wanted so desperately before the operation.
I also have crippling anxiety attacks and attacks of IBS, which take the form of bouts of diarrhoea, which is embarrassing and unpleasant and makes it difficult for me to be spontaneous. I hyperventilate a lot and worry that I will be sick when I go out. I have a poor appetite and am quite thin.
I can't work at the moment, despite being well qualified (I am 29, have a law degree and a Masters in Criminology). I'm not able to put any of this to any use because I am nearly housebound with anxiety and distress.
I have gone on a bit, I know, but there is a lot to tell! What I am hoping for is that someone will be able to relate to this weird, and very distressing, post-operative 'grief' and nostalgia. I have talked to a counsellor about it but she didn't seem to understand at all. Please help me, it's unbearable to feel like this.
The operation went very well, but since it took place I have been terribly, desperately overwhelmed with emotion. I cry about it nearly every day. I have developed an intense nostalgia for the goitre (which I hated!) and for my stay in hospital. I left hospital a day early because I had a sudden intense desire to get home, and then got stuck in a terrible traffic jam on the way home, which brought on an overwhelming panic attack. I had to go and lie down at a Travel Inn at the side of the road. When I finally did get home I was overwhelmed with the most desperate sense of anticlimax you can possibly imagine. I also could not stop blaming myself for leaving the hospital a day early. On one level I knew it was trivial, but somehow I could not stop feeling that somehow I had 'spoiled' things. I still have this feeling now, eight months later.
Everything about my operation is emotional for me, I can't look at photos or listen to music that I listened to then without crying. I can't take any pleasure in having a 'normal' neck, which was the one thing I wanted so desperately before the operation.
I also have crippling anxiety attacks and attacks of IBS, which take the form of bouts of diarrhoea, which is embarrassing and unpleasant and makes it difficult for me to be spontaneous. I hyperventilate a lot and worry that I will be sick when I go out. I have a poor appetite and am quite thin.
I can't work at the moment, despite being well qualified (I am 29, have a law degree and a Masters in Criminology). I'm not able to put any of this to any use because I am nearly housebound with anxiety and distress.
I have gone on a bit, I know, but there is a lot to tell! What I am hoping for is that someone will be able to relate to this weird, and very distressing, post-operative 'grief' and nostalgia. I have talked to a counsellor about it but she didn't seem to understand at all. Please help me, it's unbearable to feel like this.