My best mates mam died

[andie73]

If you have read my recent post about my friends mam then you will be aware that I have been finding it quite stressful lately. Whilst trying to be a supportive friend I have felt my own bad memories of close bereavements resurfacing along with my own health anx and it is proving hard to bear at times.

My friends mam died on Friday morning an hour before me and Hubby were due to leave for a weekend away. I went straight to see my friend but felt a little out of place as all her family were there. Her mam had died at home so it was uncomfortable for me to go there even though I didn't go into the room where her mam was.

She is now resting at home rather than a chapel of rest, which I find hard to cope with. I'm not criticising in any way at all, it just makes me feel very stressed to be in the house knowing she is in the lounge. My friend and her family find this comforting and it is not my place to disagree iwth that way of doing things.

Yesterday I took some flowers round after returning from my weekend away (which I'm amazed I went on). i didn't stay long but she told me details I didn't ask to hear about the condition of her mam's body etc etc. I found this very distressing and today at work all I have done is burst into tears at the slightest thing.

I want to be supportive but feel that it is having a detrimental effect on my anxiety levels. I haven't contacted my friend today as I just don't think i can cope with any more information. But at the same time that makes me feel guilty and I beat myself up about it. It is the funeral on Friday and I am really not looking forward to it. They are having a horse drawn hearse and my frind keeps telling me how fantastic it will lokk and that I must come to the house to see the hearse leaving. This too distresses me greatly as I feel that funerals are not spectator sports but solemn occasions. I have told her that I don't think I will be going to the house....I don't think she understands.

I also know however grief can make people act in ways you wouldn't expect them to so I am not criticising in any way just finding it extremely hard to deal with. Advice please as I think I am going mad again.

Andrea xx:weep:

[marie1974]

hiya listen when my nan died 3yrs back she was like my mum to me and i was devastated but i wanted to remember her for how i knew her and not her looking so ill so i just couldnt face going funeral and even though i knew people might judge me for that i knew it was the right thing for me to do. please dont do anything that makes u uncomfortable as it will make yr anxiety worse, i did feel bad for a while but now i think tough, if people trully know me then they will know im a good person and also that i loved my nan dearly and that i just couldnt face it. i dont have a loving relationship with my parents so i find it hard dealing with them too so i stayed home with hubby and had my own memorial for her. do wot makes u feel happier and dont do anything that u find too hard to do hun hugs to u xxxxxxx

[juanna]

:) Hi
I think you are probably imagining terrible thoughts, about what a dead person looks like ;& the thought of her being in the next room when you visit freak you out...

You friend wouldn't have meant to scare you but probably wan't to talk about it..
How about writing to her explaining how you feel; & let her know you'll be supportive; although you'd rather not go to the house until the funeral is over...
You also have to tread gently because she's grieving and won't neccassarily have the energy to support your feelings at the moment..:scared15:

[andie73]

I've not asked her to support my feelings and she has no idea how this has affected me. I would never show my upset in front of her as I know only too well what it is like to lose your mam, mine died when I was 12. All I am finding hard is the conflict between giving the support to my friend at the level I have been throughout her mam's illness and subsequent death and protecting myself.

She has talked to me at great length about things and she knows I am always there for her just as a support sometimes it's hard too.

[LindyF]

The family are dealing with their grief in their own way, keeping the body at home is lovely their way of continuing to care for her until the funeral. One thing to remember the body the skin is just a carrier for the heart and soul, the sould is where all her love for her family lived, her body has died but her soul will live on in the hearts, minds and memories of those who knew her. Don't be frightened of the body it carried all that love all of her life. Big hug xxhugxx

[andie73]

I don't think I have explained myself in my thread. I am NOT criticising my friend and her way of grieving I'm just finding it very hard to be a support. It's not that I am not being there for her.....I am there every day!!! It's just it is taking it's toll on me. Am I not saying the right things or can know one understand what I am trying to say. I have been there more than anyone else......but sometimes the prop needs a bit of proping up too!!!if that makes sense.

[kazzie]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Kaz x:hugs:

[sheba2]

Hi Andrea

First I am sorry for the loss of your friends mum. I am sure that she meant a lot to you and that you will miss her. Being there for your friend during her mums illness was a great thing and I am sure your friend is in no doubt about how much you care for her. We all need to grieve in our own ways for your friend and her family they are doing things there way and you obviously have great respect for that but likewise you need to grieve in your own way and that is your right. You also need to be aware of how your body and mind are reacting there is no point in you making yourself ill whilst trying to force yourself to do things that are difficult for you. When my father died two years ago I was with him everyday up until he died. Once he was dead my family made a big thing about seeing the body and I went along with this. I really wish that I hadn't put myself through such an upsetting experience. They told me I would regret it if I didn't visit my dad in the chapel of rest but I'm sure I wouldn't have I also wish that I hadn't gone to the funeral. It was horrible being on show and I hated panicking in front of so many people. My advice would be do as much or as little as you feel you want to and remember you are no good to anyone if you are unwell yourself. Please take care and I'm sure you will be a better friend for it.

[andie73]

Thanks Kazzie and Sheba for your understanding. It means such a lot. And yes Sheba what you said is right, I need to know my limitations.

Andrea xx