Lolly25
20-05-08, 19:19
Hi,
My names Lolly. Im 25 and had my first panic attack when i was 19. I have been on and off anti depressants since the age of 17 and reckon I have been living with anxiety without realising it since the age of around 7 when I started being bullied by my best friend, this bullying continued till around the age of 12 when i moved class but then some other girls took over, a series of other events, deaths in the family and parents arguing all the time, i lived on edge on a daily basis, fearful of what tomorrow would bring.
When i was around 15 my dad, who always drank alot started getting alot worse, to cut a long story short, the next 7 years were full of hospitals, rehab, calling ambulances, fights, police, arguments, breakdowns, dissapearences, near death experinces and basically living from one terryfying event to the next. Through the worst of it I lived at home with my mum and dad and my older sister and brother lived with there respective partners so i bore the brunt of each new event.
As a result of my dads drinking i never drank but at the age of 18 I started smoking marijuana ( I had been smoking cigarettes since around 12yrs old) I had my first panic attack at age 19 when i was too stoned and started to feel paranoid, i spent to hours locked in a bathroom thinking i was going to die, the next morning i was spooked, never smoked pot again and thought nothing more of it. that year i managed to get myself to university as i was desperate to get away from home but the first 6 months were anxiety hell, trying to make friends was near on impossible but somehow i managed to stick it out and eventually made some friends in my 2nd semester so i felt happy to go back in my second year. over the summer i worked as a waitress in a golf club and the anxiety started to come back, i couldnt stop thinking about what was happening at home and evrytime i had to serve food and drinks i started worrying about what could go wrong and how stupid i would look, i started worrying about fainting and things escalated from there. I started having panic attacks left right and centre. I managed to get back to uni for my second year and eventually they passed and i thought i was over it.
Last year after things came to a head with my dad he went into rehab for 6 months, my mum left him and moved away and the family home was sold, i didnt want to move to where my mum was going and ended up moving in with my boyfriend although the relationship was relatively new. This relationship deteriorated over the course of the year and as i drank more and more to avoid facing up to the fact i was in a job i hated and living with a man i didnt love but didnt know what else to do, in my usual destructive mode i found solice in my boss at work, he promised promotion and to help with my confidence, before i knew it i was sleeping with him and having panic attacks on a daily basis, i finally plucked up the courage to tell my boyfriend everything, quit my job and bolted down to the coast to be with my mum, i was trapped in an anxious state with daily panic attacks for around 6 weeks with suicidal thoughts and extreme paranoia, i think this was increased by the anti depressants i was taking. I thought this was the worst time of my life and i was truly losing my mind. I stayed with my mum for 3 months and then came back to my home county and stayed with my Gran for a bit, eventually found a place to live with my brother and even got a job, i was shell shocked but on the mend and felt positive about the future.
that was june last year and in october last year i got together with my current boyfriend, he is one of my brothers best friend! I had a panic attack in december because i suddenly panicked that i had jumped in too soon and i wasnt ready and if he knew what i had done he wouldnt want to be with me, i told him everything, he was great and we moved on. Feb this year I had a disatrous weekend away at some old friends and this sparked off insecurities about my friendships, feelings of worthlessnes and that everyone hates me, i again started having anxiety and panic and started doubting my relationship. I got over this but then 4 weeks ago my Nan died, i had another bad weekend with friends, I moved to a new area (just around the corner from my boyfriend) i suddenly got offered a new job and handed my notice in. I had really bad PMS and was giving my boyfriend hell and told him i couldnt see him because i couldnt cope. That night i had a really bad panic attack and havent calmed down since.
That was last week, Ive been signed off work for 3 weeks which is the remainder of my notice so im now obsessing about what they think and are saying about me and i havent been able to se my boyfriend as i cant get out of my head that this might be because im in denial about whether i realy love him or not which is driving me crazy.
Im thinking about going back on anti depressants but am scared they will make me worse to start with and i dont know if i can cope with that. Im surviving on beta-blockers and valium, the mornings are the worst and the eveenings arent much better, i manage to level out around lunchtime. Im terrified about starting my new job, whether i should try and get back to my current job, whats going to happen with my boyfriend - will i have to break up with him to make this stop, if we dont break up will it ever be the same again? At this point i have developed a phobia of him which is crazy, i cant spend the night with him or have sex, i feel numb, useless and terryified im oing to be stuck like this forever. I have started CBT which is going to bankrupt me but its got to be better than the thousands ive spent on self medicating.
Im scared of pretty much everything but mainly things going wrong an,d whether id be able to cope, whats happening at the momment feels far too much like the events of this time last year and its haunting me, i just want to feel normal again (if that exists?) any help would be much appreciated, im so scared, i dont trust myself or how do i know im doing the right things, making the right decisions and that things will turn out ok?
Ive just realised how long this is and i thought i was being brief! Thanks for reading,
love lonely lolly
My names Lolly. Im 25 and had my first panic attack when i was 19. I have been on and off anti depressants since the age of 17 and reckon I have been living with anxiety without realising it since the age of around 7 when I started being bullied by my best friend, this bullying continued till around the age of 12 when i moved class but then some other girls took over, a series of other events, deaths in the family and parents arguing all the time, i lived on edge on a daily basis, fearful of what tomorrow would bring.
When i was around 15 my dad, who always drank alot started getting alot worse, to cut a long story short, the next 7 years were full of hospitals, rehab, calling ambulances, fights, police, arguments, breakdowns, dissapearences, near death experinces and basically living from one terryfying event to the next. Through the worst of it I lived at home with my mum and dad and my older sister and brother lived with there respective partners so i bore the brunt of each new event.
As a result of my dads drinking i never drank but at the age of 18 I started smoking marijuana ( I had been smoking cigarettes since around 12yrs old) I had my first panic attack at age 19 when i was too stoned and started to feel paranoid, i spent to hours locked in a bathroom thinking i was going to die, the next morning i was spooked, never smoked pot again and thought nothing more of it. that year i managed to get myself to university as i was desperate to get away from home but the first 6 months were anxiety hell, trying to make friends was near on impossible but somehow i managed to stick it out and eventually made some friends in my 2nd semester so i felt happy to go back in my second year. over the summer i worked as a waitress in a golf club and the anxiety started to come back, i couldnt stop thinking about what was happening at home and evrytime i had to serve food and drinks i started worrying about what could go wrong and how stupid i would look, i started worrying about fainting and things escalated from there. I started having panic attacks left right and centre. I managed to get back to uni for my second year and eventually they passed and i thought i was over it.
Last year after things came to a head with my dad he went into rehab for 6 months, my mum left him and moved away and the family home was sold, i didnt want to move to where my mum was going and ended up moving in with my boyfriend although the relationship was relatively new. This relationship deteriorated over the course of the year and as i drank more and more to avoid facing up to the fact i was in a job i hated and living with a man i didnt love but didnt know what else to do, in my usual destructive mode i found solice in my boss at work, he promised promotion and to help with my confidence, before i knew it i was sleeping with him and having panic attacks on a daily basis, i finally plucked up the courage to tell my boyfriend everything, quit my job and bolted down to the coast to be with my mum, i was trapped in an anxious state with daily panic attacks for around 6 weeks with suicidal thoughts and extreme paranoia, i think this was increased by the anti depressants i was taking. I thought this was the worst time of my life and i was truly losing my mind. I stayed with my mum for 3 months and then came back to my home county and stayed with my Gran for a bit, eventually found a place to live with my brother and even got a job, i was shell shocked but on the mend and felt positive about the future.
that was june last year and in october last year i got together with my current boyfriend, he is one of my brothers best friend! I had a panic attack in december because i suddenly panicked that i had jumped in too soon and i wasnt ready and if he knew what i had done he wouldnt want to be with me, i told him everything, he was great and we moved on. Feb this year I had a disatrous weekend away at some old friends and this sparked off insecurities about my friendships, feelings of worthlessnes and that everyone hates me, i again started having anxiety and panic and started doubting my relationship. I got over this but then 4 weeks ago my Nan died, i had another bad weekend with friends, I moved to a new area (just around the corner from my boyfriend) i suddenly got offered a new job and handed my notice in. I had really bad PMS and was giving my boyfriend hell and told him i couldnt see him because i couldnt cope. That night i had a really bad panic attack and havent calmed down since.
That was last week, Ive been signed off work for 3 weeks which is the remainder of my notice so im now obsessing about what they think and are saying about me and i havent been able to se my boyfriend as i cant get out of my head that this might be because im in denial about whether i realy love him or not which is driving me crazy.
Im thinking about going back on anti depressants but am scared they will make me worse to start with and i dont know if i can cope with that. Im surviving on beta-blockers and valium, the mornings are the worst and the eveenings arent much better, i manage to level out around lunchtime. Im terrified about starting my new job, whether i should try and get back to my current job, whats going to happen with my boyfriend - will i have to break up with him to make this stop, if we dont break up will it ever be the same again? At this point i have developed a phobia of him which is crazy, i cant spend the night with him or have sex, i feel numb, useless and terryified im oing to be stuck like this forever. I have started CBT which is going to bankrupt me but its got to be better than the thousands ive spent on self medicating.
Im scared of pretty much everything but mainly things going wrong an,d whether id be able to cope, whats happening at the momment feels far too much like the events of this time last year and its haunting me, i just want to feel normal again (if that exists?) any help would be much appreciated, im so scared, i dont trust myself or how do i know im doing the right things, making the right decisions and that things will turn out ok?
Ive just realised how long this is and i thought i was being brief! Thanks for reading,
love lonely lolly