thevoicewithinme
21-05-08, 09:10
Yesterday, during the day, I went to the local shop (with someone with me) and felt absolutely great :) I was really feeling pleased with myself as I didn't even think twice about going and didn't have any feelings of anxiety at all.
The rest of the day passed just as well, and last night my bf asked me to go to the shop and get something for him. My 20 year old son came with me and we set off in the car. Fine no problem...but as I pulled up outside the shop a wave of fear came from nowhere, and I must admit I did start the car engine again and said to my son that I couldn't do it....but then I thought sod it...I am here now.
I went into the shop, feeling quite edgey but telling myself I did it earlier and have done it before and have coped. I got to the checkout and there were two people in front of me...no problem I can do this! The woman in front was being served and must of wanted to pay every single bill going on those paypoint things. By this time I am moving from one foot to the other, panic is building, but I still tell myself I am fine. Finally she finishes, thank god, pays her bill...now its my turn. I hand over the goods then bam.....I want to run out of the shop, I can't see properly, my breathing is all over the place and talk about shake. I couldn't even tell you how much I spent in there, I just put my card in the machine, punched in the number and walked outside, thinking I would be ok by then....god I was wrong.
Once outside the shop, I started to feel faint, the sheer terror and wanting to run and feeling stranded was awful...I knew I couldn't drive like this and I could see the concern on my 20 year old sons face, because he has never seen me this bad before...in fact since the return of my panic attacks I haven't had one this bad. I managed to get into the car, started the engine, opened the window, put the blowers on then felt trapped in my car, so had to get out. I phoned my bf, and pleaded with him for help..asked him to come get me, which I don't think he was too happy about...but that is partly because the three youngest children were at home with him and two of them were in bed. I then phoned his sister, who has been a great help to me, and within less than 5 minutes she was there. She got me my bottle of water out of my car (which in my panic I had forgotten about), told me to stand on the pavement rather than the roadside of my car which I was doing (see my head had gone completely) and stood there talking to me and I have to admit I could feel the panic starting to subside. After a while my son said that my boyfriend was walking up the road. When he got there he told me to get in the car and then (in what I think was an annoyed mood) he drove me home, without saying a word to me....and being as sensitive as I am, I knew he was annoyed...which made me start feeling really guilty.
We got home, and by then I was feeling fine but very very tearful. He said give us a kiss, which I did and I told him I was sorry. He then went back into the garden to carry on with what he had been doing. I then, in the comfort of my home broke down in tears and as usual I was so bloody annoyed with myself. I just don't know where this panic attack came from.
An hour later my boyfriend said to me, that me and him were going to drive to the local shop, me driving, I told him ok, but I am not going to go into it...he said fine. We got to the shop, and he said stop a minute and took some change out of his pocket, he then said to me to run in and get him a pack of mints...ok here goes the knot in my stomach..but I did it :) Then driving back, he told me to stop the car about two streets away from where we live and started to get out...I asked him where he was going..he said he was walking home and I was to drive.....oh god...I havent driven the car by myself for nearly 4 months now.....but again I did it :)
I know my boyfriend so doesn't understand this panic and agoraphobia that I have, and I also know that's why he can get annoyed with me at times, but in his own way last night, he did me a favour. I know for a fact that if he hadn't made me drive back there again last night, then I wouldn't do it again...it would become one of those places that I start to avoid.
Today, I am determined to go back to the shop again, with my boyfriends sister, just to prove to myself that I can still do it.
I guess in a strange way, that big panic attack that I had last night, did me some good??
Sorry to waffle on...but think I am trying to ask for reassurance in some way or other.
Kaz
The rest of the day passed just as well, and last night my bf asked me to go to the shop and get something for him. My 20 year old son came with me and we set off in the car. Fine no problem...but as I pulled up outside the shop a wave of fear came from nowhere, and I must admit I did start the car engine again and said to my son that I couldn't do it....but then I thought sod it...I am here now.
I went into the shop, feeling quite edgey but telling myself I did it earlier and have done it before and have coped. I got to the checkout and there were two people in front of me...no problem I can do this! The woman in front was being served and must of wanted to pay every single bill going on those paypoint things. By this time I am moving from one foot to the other, panic is building, but I still tell myself I am fine. Finally she finishes, thank god, pays her bill...now its my turn. I hand over the goods then bam.....I want to run out of the shop, I can't see properly, my breathing is all over the place and talk about shake. I couldn't even tell you how much I spent in there, I just put my card in the machine, punched in the number and walked outside, thinking I would be ok by then....god I was wrong.
Once outside the shop, I started to feel faint, the sheer terror and wanting to run and feeling stranded was awful...I knew I couldn't drive like this and I could see the concern on my 20 year old sons face, because he has never seen me this bad before...in fact since the return of my panic attacks I haven't had one this bad. I managed to get into the car, started the engine, opened the window, put the blowers on then felt trapped in my car, so had to get out. I phoned my bf, and pleaded with him for help..asked him to come get me, which I don't think he was too happy about...but that is partly because the three youngest children were at home with him and two of them were in bed. I then phoned his sister, who has been a great help to me, and within less than 5 minutes she was there. She got me my bottle of water out of my car (which in my panic I had forgotten about), told me to stand on the pavement rather than the roadside of my car which I was doing (see my head had gone completely) and stood there talking to me and I have to admit I could feel the panic starting to subside. After a while my son said that my boyfriend was walking up the road. When he got there he told me to get in the car and then (in what I think was an annoyed mood) he drove me home, without saying a word to me....and being as sensitive as I am, I knew he was annoyed...which made me start feeling really guilty.
We got home, and by then I was feeling fine but very very tearful. He said give us a kiss, which I did and I told him I was sorry. He then went back into the garden to carry on with what he had been doing. I then, in the comfort of my home broke down in tears and as usual I was so bloody annoyed with myself. I just don't know where this panic attack came from.
An hour later my boyfriend said to me, that me and him were going to drive to the local shop, me driving, I told him ok, but I am not going to go into it...he said fine. We got to the shop, and he said stop a minute and took some change out of his pocket, he then said to me to run in and get him a pack of mints...ok here goes the knot in my stomach..but I did it :) Then driving back, he told me to stop the car about two streets away from where we live and started to get out...I asked him where he was going..he said he was walking home and I was to drive.....oh god...I havent driven the car by myself for nearly 4 months now.....but again I did it :)
I know my boyfriend so doesn't understand this panic and agoraphobia that I have, and I also know that's why he can get annoyed with me at times, but in his own way last night, he did me a favour. I know for a fact that if he hadn't made me drive back there again last night, then I wouldn't do it again...it would become one of those places that I start to avoid.
Today, I am determined to go back to the shop again, with my boyfriends sister, just to prove to myself that I can still do it.
I guess in a strange way, that big panic attack that I had last night, did me some good??
Sorry to waffle on...but think I am trying to ask for reassurance in some way or other.
Kaz