tooovertheedge
23-05-08, 21:57
hi everybody, i'm new here and i guess i'd better spill my guts and let you decide if you think the way i feel is normal, or if i should start to really question what i'm doing and the way i'm carrying on, and i'd like an objective view from sufferers.
First of all, a bit about me, i'm 26 and i've just finished university as a mature student and have some postgrad stuff coming up. i've got lots of friends and i'm a very sociable person but sometimes many people will either say seriously or jokingly that i'm a "stresshead", accuse me of being "wound up" or "paranoid" or sometimes verbally aggressive, or aggravated. it happens a lot.
I've a family history of depression and anxiety, my father experienced breakdowns and was on a lot of medication like temazepam, beta blockers, and anti-depressants. he suffered from panic attacks, despite being a gregarious and outgoing sort of whom people said theyd never expect it. he would suffer so badly from anxiety that sometimes he would go into the car and sit in it, yet find himself frozen and unable to move. My great grandmother suffered from anxiety and my cousin is currently still on prozac after some severe social anxiety and panic attacks in her teens. On my mother's side, my mother has high blood pressure due to stress, and my aunt is on fluoxetine and has struggled with anxiety on and off all her life.
So those are the genes!
I often feel very anxious, and recently have started thinking to myself - this is anxiety, isn't it? i sometimes smoke between 15-25 cigarettes a day, mainly through feeling stressed. Today i had an exam and nearly approached total meltdown and thought i was going to be sick (during my a-levels i stood retching over a bin, as i was overcome by a feeling of nausea) i ended up having to talk to friends before i went into the exam to get them to reassure me, though i wont listen, and will simply argue against advice, convinced that there are worst case scenarios about to happen, and the more somebody tells me they wont, the more i am convinced i am.
This brings me to the next main symptom of my anxiety- paranoia. I'm terrible, i've convinced myself of ludicrous situations that i'm almost embarrassed to replicate here, about my partner, past partners, friends and family. a common one is me becoming convinced i've got hiv- i'll done some stupid test saying "have you ever had unprotected oral sex?" and it will suggest " you are not completely free from risk, there is a very low risk, why not take a test?" next thing, that's it. i'm convinced i've got it. I do it with other people too, people look to me for reassurance and i'll find myself finding unlikely facts to back something up and make other people paranoid too. if there is a slight health problem, i will convince myself 100% its a worst case scenario, i've been to the doctor with "cancer!!" ( a pulled ligament) "herpes!" (a shaving nick) i've convinced myself a have anaemia because a doctor mentioned that people with heavy periods often suffer. I KNOW this is ludicrous. I know. I'll do it to other people too, convince them of worst case scenarios ( its funny, ive had 2 boyfriends whom i've been convinced have testicular cancer) i know, its laughable, but i'll find some statistic or fact to back something up, then thats it. i'm convinced, then i'll have a few days of worry about it whilst it fixates my mind and i become convinced. I tend to rely on perceived "fact" to justify my anxiety, which makes it worse.
I've had long standing problems with insomnia- i lie awake making lists of things to worry about and what to do about it- i feel like i've got to "do" something, about a situation, but often my panic prevents me from doing it because i get in such a wound up state! I'm always worried about how i come accross to people, i'm often self conscious about what i say or my sense of humour, and i often think people are trying to catch me out- somebody once liked me to a paranoid character in the film "platoon" walking through the jungle with my gun poised, but i feel as though thats how i am. i can come accross as vehement or aggressive because i often feel wound up like a spring, and i snap, and i feel like theres a knot in my stomach, and often smoking will be the only time i'll feel like i'm really breathing properly. I talk very quickly and gesticulate wildly, and i know that from comment, i generally come accross as a very unrelaxed person.
What i feel is key in the fact that i suffer from some kind of anxiety is my attitude to worry. today i've just had a final exam, instead of feeling relieved, i feel more wound up. i keep thinking ive done something wrong, i keep going over things in my mind. rather than congratulating myself on a job well done, i'm now fixating myself on my next set of problems and worry. its as though my worry works on a queuing system- "next!" :)
if theres nothing acceptable to worry about i'll find another unlikely worry to put myself under pressure about. i'm supposed to be going to a temping agency next week to try for a job- already, i'm envisaging worst case scenarios about that. i'm worried if i don't get a job, i'm worried in case i get a job and i lose it- argh! what about my overdraft, if they recall that! oh no my credit cards! god, what if i never get sorted! etc etc. and the thing is, because i fixate on EVERY possible scenario, one of them sometimes happens. i take this as vindication. I feel i can't be happy because happy, implies being relaxed and i can't relax! what can i do to begin to feel less like this? do i need medication? is this just my personality?
First of all, a bit about me, i'm 26 and i've just finished university as a mature student and have some postgrad stuff coming up. i've got lots of friends and i'm a very sociable person but sometimes many people will either say seriously or jokingly that i'm a "stresshead", accuse me of being "wound up" or "paranoid" or sometimes verbally aggressive, or aggravated. it happens a lot.
I've a family history of depression and anxiety, my father experienced breakdowns and was on a lot of medication like temazepam, beta blockers, and anti-depressants. he suffered from panic attacks, despite being a gregarious and outgoing sort of whom people said theyd never expect it. he would suffer so badly from anxiety that sometimes he would go into the car and sit in it, yet find himself frozen and unable to move. My great grandmother suffered from anxiety and my cousin is currently still on prozac after some severe social anxiety and panic attacks in her teens. On my mother's side, my mother has high blood pressure due to stress, and my aunt is on fluoxetine and has struggled with anxiety on and off all her life.
So those are the genes!
I often feel very anxious, and recently have started thinking to myself - this is anxiety, isn't it? i sometimes smoke between 15-25 cigarettes a day, mainly through feeling stressed. Today i had an exam and nearly approached total meltdown and thought i was going to be sick (during my a-levels i stood retching over a bin, as i was overcome by a feeling of nausea) i ended up having to talk to friends before i went into the exam to get them to reassure me, though i wont listen, and will simply argue against advice, convinced that there are worst case scenarios about to happen, and the more somebody tells me they wont, the more i am convinced i am.
This brings me to the next main symptom of my anxiety- paranoia. I'm terrible, i've convinced myself of ludicrous situations that i'm almost embarrassed to replicate here, about my partner, past partners, friends and family. a common one is me becoming convinced i've got hiv- i'll done some stupid test saying "have you ever had unprotected oral sex?" and it will suggest " you are not completely free from risk, there is a very low risk, why not take a test?" next thing, that's it. i'm convinced i've got it. I do it with other people too, people look to me for reassurance and i'll find myself finding unlikely facts to back something up and make other people paranoid too. if there is a slight health problem, i will convince myself 100% its a worst case scenario, i've been to the doctor with "cancer!!" ( a pulled ligament) "herpes!" (a shaving nick) i've convinced myself a have anaemia because a doctor mentioned that people with heavy periods often suffer. I KNOW this is ludicrous. I know. I'll do it to other people too, convince them of worst case scenarios ( its funny, ive had 2 boyfriends whom i've been convinced have testicular cancer) i know, its laughable, but i'll find some statistic or fact to back something up, then thats it. i'm convinced, then i'll have a few days of worry about it whilst it fixates my mind and i become convinced. I tend to rely on perceived "fact" to justify my anxiety, which makes it worse.
I've had long standing problems with insomnia- i lie awake making lists of things to worry about and what to do about it- i feel like i've got to "do" something, about a situation, but often my panic prevents me from doing it because i get in such a wound up state! I'm always worried about how i come accross to people, i'm often self conscious about what i say or my sense of humour, and i often think people are trying to catch me out- somebody once liked me to a paranoid character in the film "platoon" walking through the jungle with my gun poised, but i feel as though thats how i am. i can come accross as vehement or aggressive because i often feel wound up like a spring, and i snap, and i feel like theres a knot in my stomach, and often smoking will be the only time i'll feel like i'm really breathing properly. I talk very quickly and gesticulate wildly, and i know that from comment, i generally come accross as a very unrelaxed person.
What i feel is key in the fact that i suffer from some kind of anxiety is my attitude to worry. today i've just had a final exam, instead of feeling relieved, i feel more wound up. i keep thinking ive done something wrong, i keep going over things in my mind. rather than congratulating myself on a job well done, i'm now fixating myself on my next set of problems and worry. its as though my worry works on a queuing system- "next!" :)
if theres nothing acceptable to worry about i'll find another unlikely worry to put myself under pressure about. i'm supposed to be going to a temping agency next week to try for a job- already, i'm envisaging worst case scenarios about that. i'm worried if i don't get a job, i'm worried in case i get a job and i lose it- argh! what about my overdraft, if they recall that! oh no my credit cards! god, what if i never get sorted! etc etc. and the thing is, because i fixate on EVERY possible scenario, one of them sometimes happens. i take this as vindication. I feel i can't be happy because happy, implies being relaxed and i can't relax! what can i do to begin to feel less like this? do i need medication? is this just my personality?