Why do I bother?

[thevoicewithinme]

Today after reading bottleblondes post and seeing her determination and what she managed to do yesterday, it spurred me on to be even more determined to beat this damn agoraphobia, so after writing some thoughts of mine in a poem, I told myself that today is the day my life will start to turn around.

I took, the dog for a walk, not far, but I did it and I was determined that I was going to do it again today at least once more.

My 6 year old also had an opticians appointment today, which I couldnt take him too, that I really didnt feel able to do..so instead my boyfriends sister took him.

Speaking later on to my boyfriend on the phone, while he was at work, I told him that his sister had taken Kierian to opticians, had also told him about taking dog for a walk. He wanted to know why I hadn't taken my son, I told him that I couldnt, but that I had taken the dog out (sounds stupid doesnt it).

He then went on to tell me that I am getting worse, that I hardly ever go out, and what am I going to do when my older son joins the army? He said I will be totally housebound then and then there will be no point in getting out of bed. In the end he finished the call and I was stood there with tears streaming down my face.

I'm sorry, I know I am whinging again, but I am hurting so much right now. What is the point? I was on such a high and now on such a low. Why did he have to bring me down? I know this agoraphobia and panic attacks has been putting a strain on our relationship, but I was really determined to beat it and now I feel why? He obviously has no faith in me...and I have now lost any faith that I had in myself.

Im sorry but I give up...sorry that I am such a big failure.

[thevoicewithinme]

I really am at an all time low, have now gone done something I havent in ages, and know now that I will be shouted at later for that. There really is no point

[milly jones]

kaz hun,

taking the dog for a walk was brilliant hun, i promise.

sometimes our families dont always understand what a struggle it is to take these small steps, but ur friends on nmp do hun.

pm me or msn and we can chat.

i gained relief last week after fighting for so long, and i feel very ashamed now but cos i was still down i went to my mums to prevent further attacks this weekend.

all we can do is keep fighting hun, together

love you

millxx

[dianes]

Hi :D

Well done you for being able to go out with your dog :yesyes: :yesyes: I also suffer with panic/agoraphobia and know how very hard it is to go out, also just how elated you feel when you manage to achieve a goal no matter how small it might seem to others. I know how distressing it must be to hear your b/f saying these things, but remember he CAN'T take away what you have achieved unless YOU let him:D I try NOT to call myself names because I find it difficult to do some things now. I reason if this was happening to someone I loved/liked I WOULDN'T dream of telling them they were useless, stupid,a burden etc. etc. I would do anything to help, support and encourage them. If I wouldn't do that to them, why on earth would I do it to myself?

If you tell yourself that you are useless, stupid etc. etc. you will believe you are useless etc. and become very unhappy and then depressed. If you tell yourself that you are strong, good, nice, kind etc. You will lift your mood and stay happy.:yesyes: :yesyes:

Remember we are all rooting for you, keep going out and keep feeling the elation of meeting your goals this is for YOU not anyone else.

Diane
'Remember, your imagination is always much worse than the reality'

[Pink Panic]

Hey Hun,:hugs:

You are deffo NOT a failure. What you achieved was brill and the fact that you didn't feel able to take your Son to the Optician shouldn't make you feel that what you did manage to do was any less.

Milly is right when she says that sometimes it's hard for our families and those closest to us to understand our limits in what we can and can't do .... gosh sometimes i find it hard to understand myself.

You partner may be angry at the situation and is venting his anger at you instead.
Please don't lose faith as you were so determined earlier so try to keep that feeling and try to turn your hurt into anger to beat the agro.
It's not easy but we are all here supporting you. :hugs:

Love & Hugs
Pink
xxx

[Hope 2]

Hey Kaz :flowers:

You 'bother' chuck cos somewhere in you, there is determination to feel peace with yourself and be free. I think we all have a time. A time when we as individual's are ready. Until we are ready, change stays in the future. The last few weeks for me have been pretty tough going. I keep getting beat back down every few days with some new 'life' problem, you know what though, no matter what.........My Time has come and nothing is gonna rob me of a new life. A happier more at peace with 'me' kinda life. The rest will follow. I wanna just curl up and hide but good people keep me going.

Your time WILL come hun, please don't compare your progress or lack of with anyone. Things can and will change when you are able and ready xx Someone has knocked the stuffing out of me lately. It has caused me pain. No more Kaz, we can do this. Here can really help, but the best woman for the job is ourselves xx

Keep posting, that's wot here is for eh
Love Hope xx

[marie1974]

:hugs: to u all and well said hope2 u go girl :winks: xxxxxxxx

[popsy]

Sweetheart, i know exactly how you are feeling, or pretty damn close anyway. A couple of weeks ago my partner exploded at me one night and had such a go at me about my behaviour, how he was having to protect the kids from my anxiety and how it just couldnt go on anymore i had to get better now!!! I was devastated, how you are now..... we got through it though, he admitted he was just so angry at what the anxiety was doing to me, not really at me and felt so powerless, i think he was trying the tough love approach too (note to all men, it doesnt work!!!). Your partner is just feeling your frustration, you going out today was a massive achievement, we can only start small and build up from there, taking your son to appointments will come in time but you have to take small steps over time to get there, i am constantly told by my psychistrist take it slowley, if you push to hard you crash and burn, what you did today was a huge leap to you getting better!!!!! Keep posting, you arent alone and we are here for you, we know what an achievement you made today, only those with anx would understand that, thats why NMP is so great, you are NEVER ALONE!!!!!
C xxxx :bighug1:

[eternally optimistic]

Hi

Hope you are OK and things arent as bad as you expected.

Think of your walk as a great success, it was, and keep that in your head when you want to do that, or anything else, again.

Im a bit like you, I can do certain things and others just throw me. Its the
way we are at the MOMENT.

Keep your determination and think of bottleblondes success and you CAN do it to. Remember, to do things at your speed.

Im sure boyfriend is just worried for you and not at all angry at the way you are currently feeling.

Dont put extra pressure on yourself to achieve for others, do it for yourself.

Good luck.

Let us know about the next walk.

J

[thevoicewithinme]

Well,when my boyfriend came home last night, he wasn't talking to me, which made me feel even lower. After being indoors for about five minutes he grabbed his car keys, I asked him where he was going and he said 'out, cos I can' which I took personally thinking he was saying it because I can't. He got in his car and screeched off. When he got back, he still wasn't talking, and went out in the garden to do some jobs, so I left him to it, and I concentrated on the kids and getting them ready for bed etc.

About an hour later I finally plucked up the courage to go out in the garden to him. At first he didnt talk, but eventually he did. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we did end up talking, or rather shouting at each other first. He told me he feels as though he has had enough, he doesn't know how to cope etc and feels that he is always the last person to know how I am feeling. He said that I am pushing him away. I admit that I don't always tell him exactly how I am feeling, or rather I don't tell him most of the time, but that is because I know he gets angry and I hate that, but he says that the anger is not aimed at me, but its because he really doesnt understand all of this thats going on. Yes I admit I do ask for his sisters help to do things etc, but in my eyes that is because he is always working, or when not at work he is busy doing the garden or diy. He even had a dig at me posting on here, telling me that everyone here knows how I feel when he doesnt, tried telling him its because they are all in the same boat, but even that he didnt understand.

I tried telling him how scared and frightened and alone I feel, to hear him say that he too feels like that, because he doesnt understand, so in some ways I can kind of understand him now. When I told him him that he never praises me when I do manage to do something he told me thats because he is frightened to give me praise, because if I cant do it another time, then I will feel that I have let him down, so I tried telling him that being praised helps me...but no he cant see that...felt like I was bashing my head against a brick wall.

I also tried telling him that little steps are better than big ones...i.e. walk to the end of the road until I feel comfortable with it,and then maybe go to the next lampost and so on...again he didnt agree. He says in his eyes I am not going much further than the front door. I do go out, but yes I admit that I haven't been off of the estate now for a while, but at least I am not stopping indoors.

So anyway, I am not really sure if anything got resolved last night, apart from the fact that I am now going to tell him exactly how I feel, even when I feel really bad...and see how he copes with that.

:bighug1: :bighug1: to all of you and thank you for your replies and showing that you care. I am sorry for rambling on yet again.

Kaz

[jesse08]

Hi, it's the little things that matter and being able to go out with your dog was an achievement so WELL DONE YOU!!!

Don't give up, we all have good and bad days and it looks like you have lots of support and Love here on NMP.
:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:

[belle]

Hi..

My goodness, you situation sounds a lot like mine. My husband would say something like that "Cos i can go out"...in fact, i am sure he has at some point.

Agoraphobia/panic attacks is such a complex illness, SO SO hard for people who don't suffer to understand and its even harder for us to explain.
I think that your partner shouldn't be so hard on you, the smallest steps, they ALL count. Flipping 'eck, if i walk to the bottom of the road i see that as a positive step (my road is tiny!!!), just to get out of the house...its all good.

My husband regulary puts me down saying things like i am useless, a waste of space, a burden on him, that i am holding him back from living....all the 'loving and caring' things that one would expect a loved one to say!!!!!!!

You are not alone.

x

[thevoicewithinme]

When I first met my boyfriend two years ago, I told him that I had beaten agoraphobia, which I suffered with for 7 years and was completely housebound with it back then...he told me (joke) that I was such a strong person for doing that and he admired me. I never in a million years,thought this would come back again to haunt me, and neither did he.

The one thing that absolutely terrifies me, is that last time it took me 7 years to conquer it. I have only had it back now for 4 months and to be honest when it first started I thought, I can do this...I will beat it...but as the weeks, days etc go on...I am getting more and more scared wondering how long it's going to take me....and also wondering just how much my boyfriend can take. I know that he loves me, but is love really enough?

Kaz

[dawny]

kaz.....

to be really honest, but if i wasn't a sufferer i too wouldn't understand, so i suppose i can relate to both sides, well, i suppose we all can.

but, its not like we want to be housebound is it....its hard.

kaz, youv'e scared me saying that agro came back.....arghhhh !!!!!
i suppose its always about working at it.

you keep on going kaz, good luck

love dawny xxxxxx

[thevoicewithinme]

Dawny, please please please do not think that because it has come back for me,that it will for you too.l

In the last two years I have had two very bad experiences....one my first husband (we were divorced but very very good friends and I had known him over half my life) suddenly died at the age of 40...and two...last year I discovered that my soon to be ex husband had a very secret past that both him and his family conveniently 'forgot' to tell me about (I have posted about it before) which has affected all of my children very much, and me also, particularly as I do not know anybody that I can talk to about it...and even one doctor kind of pushed me away when I first went asking for help, because he too didnt know how to handle what I had been through.

So please remember, people do recover from agoraphobia and it can stay away, I was just one of the unlucky ones.

Kaz

[bexy1970]

ahh hun
totally agree with popsy!! my oh sometimes does this to me, believe it or not it coz they care!!!! i get upset then realise its there way of trying to help!!! well done on your walk.. and i took the dog with me in car after i couldnt drive for 6 months!!(just round the block) but big deal for me at time!! now im driving everywhere! wouldnt have taken the kids!! wot would we do without our four legged friends eh!!!:yahoo:

[dawny]

oh kaz...im sorry to hear of your bad time....no wonder the agro came back.....

i think my border collie buster knows everything i say....hes truly my best mate.....hes much better than the humans i live with.....(sorry there all horrid today)..lol.....

good luck with the walks

dawny