View Full Version : Who are we?
After almost 40 years of suffering from Anxiety (now being the worst) I find myself wondering who I am.
My personal description would be; a pathetic, spineless, over emotional, frightened individual (as well as some other words which are far to obscene to put into print).
Over the years, I have had to endure the problems which most of us have to.......the loss of family and friends, relationships, abuse (be it verbal, physical, emotional or sexual), pain and so on, and so on.
I think the biggest problem to deal with for me is guilt! Some years ago, I contributed to something which although not a criminal offence, was the worst thing that a human being could (in my opinion) do! This resulted in my wife leaving me owing to the fact that she would never forgive me. My life thus virtually ended without her. My love for her is so deep that I would give my life for her if need be.
I am now a broken man with hardly any friends, who suffers from Agorophobia, Panic, Acute Anxiety, and the rest. I've never had much money, but I was the richest man in the world because I had my wife. Now I have nothing but the memories. I do not live....I just exist (like many of us).
Who do we hug, when there's no one to hold?
Who do we talk to, when there's no one there?
In a way, I sometimes think I'm being punished for my sin. But even murderers would be free from prison by now having served their sentence. My guilt will be with me forever. I have no purpose in life anymore.
I do not like the person I am, but I don't know who I am either. My past has changed me for a better person. I would help anyone if I can. But I just can't help myself. I guess deep inside I hate me!
Your views and comments would be appreciated.
Thank you for reading.
God bless you.
Kevin.
Hi Kevin,as I don't know the reason your wife left I can't comment on that. What I can say is that I am sure it was not as bad as you think, you are a worthwhile person in your own right and you desirve to be happy as anybody on here.As you say your guilt is punishment, so try and let it go; you say you have a few friends can you not build on those friendships and be the better for it.Do you work? If not have you thought of volantary work, my friend works in the coffee shop in a hospice and finds it very rewarding.Don't hate yourself we all have done things we regret I know I have but you still have to carry on. Have you read the piece about self esteem on the left in the main menu this may help you.Sorry I can't be of more help but I wish you luck and happiness for the future:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
Lesleyb
Hello Kevin,
None of us can change the past, but, we can decide not to hold on to it and to move forward with new hope. Those of us who carry feelings of guilt are not spineless - it takes much courage to beat ourselves up as often as we do ! You deserve to be the person you know you are now, with all the care and understanding that you hold in your heart. Be that person, Kevin, let people back into your life and begin to live again.
be kind to yourself
That part of your life is over now, gone, done and dusted, never to return. Now matter what you do now you will never change what has been done.
Now is the time to start afresh to have some self-worth to stop putting yourself down.
Although I don't suffer from agraphobia my daughter does (and other things) so I know how hard it is to go out. But there are loads of places that are crying out for volunteers. Charity shops, hospitals, drivers for charities such as the Red Cross.
I know it is easy for me to say it as I am not you but if you could do it you would have a new life and make friends and would give you back your self-worth.:)
We all make mistakes because we're all only human but no one can punish us more than ourselves because guilt can live with us a lifetime until we learn to let it go, forgive ourselves, learn from the mistake and move on with a fresh start.
Some mistakes can't be forgiven by others but we can learn to forgive ourselves for being human and not having evil intentions.
I feel you've paid for your mistake for long enough. Now, it's time to let go and move on into a better future by reaching out and creating a fresh start.
You are a "free" man and you can create a better future. When you meet another woman, you'll not make the same mistake twice and you'll find happiness. Just forgive yourself and reach out because she's out there waiting for you to find her. Don't waste your life when you have so much to give to someone special.
Many thanks for your replies. And a special thanks to our friend Bill who will always seem to be there with a logical theory or solution.
I agree, the past has gone forever and time does move on everyday. But one thing that does concern me is that most of us are on this site for reasons that are more than likely linked to the past.
I know that none of us are perfect and we all make and have made mistakes before.......there is no manual to consult as far as living our life and knowing wrong from right is concerned, only hindsight after the event.
I know it's better to deeply regret our sins rather than have the 'couldn't care less' attitude and I know that most if not all the people on this site are very sensitive and caring with a big heart.
I know I must move on, but the future is uncertain and foggy as far as I'm concerned and I think that I'm stuck in the past because I feel safer there, regardless of the fact that I'm punishing myself.
OK, meeting someone else is one answer. But because of my Agorophobia, lack of self-esteem and confidence and other phobias, I think who would want me anyway. I don't think i could trust anyone anymore either. All I seem to do is think about my wife being with someone else, and my two dear dogs that died with four months of each other three years ago. Something which I should be able to cope with by now.
Thank God for this site and the people on it who help us and pass on their comments and support.
May we eventually find peace and comfort in the end from this terrible illness.
Kevin.
OK, meeting someone else is one answer. But because of my Agorophobia, lack of self-esteem and confidence and other phobias, I think who would want me anyway...........Well, how about because..........most if not all the people on this site are very sensitive and caring with a big heart. You say most if not all........well, you're here too so I'd include you in your statement so there's 2 very good reasons for you!
I don't think i could trust anyone anymore either. How do you know until you try? As you say, alot of people are very sensitive and caring with a big heart so if you met someone like that, wouldn't it be worth taking that chance in the hope of finding happiness? If we don't take risk, we don't gain anything and we never live. I'd rather live in the hope of love than live in despair.
and my two dear dogs that died with four months of each other three years ago. Something which I should be able to cope with by now. Why??? 3 years is Nothing when faced with grief. When we lose someone or something dear to us there is no set time limit for recovery. However, you miss them more because of the unhappy place you're in at present. You're right that we can live in the past because it feels safe, or we can look at ways to build a road to a brighter future to enable us to find enjoyment in the rest of our lives.
May we eventually find peace and comfort in the end from this terrible illness. This terrible illness is anxiety (worry) and panic (fear), and both can be overcome once we step outside our safety zone with a plan, a way forward and a positive outlook that things can get better. One small step at a time as they say.
Make a list of all the things you want to achieve in life then right beside each one the things you need to do to obtain them. All you need do is achieve Just one of your objectives and the rest will snowball because with each small achievement your confidence and self esteem will gradually build.
midlandlady
01-06-08, 01:48
hi agree 100% with you about living in the past and being very over sensitive, some say our future is our past.. l cant ever trust anyone , how sad, or is that being afraid of getting hurt as we cant cope with the pain,l feel everyday is the same theres no future ,very negative l no. take care xx
afraid of getting hurt as we cant cope with the pain
l seem to cope better while having a panic attack,when l tell myself its just to much adrenoline in the body
Fear of whatever kind creates a feeling of being trapped. Feeling trapped causes stress and the production of adrenaline. Emotional stress and excess adrenaline causes panic. Panic causes fear and a depressed state, and the cycle constantly repeats.
If we want to be cured of panic, it means not living in fear.
If we have suffered bad experiences from others in our past which has led us to live in fear of being hurt by those in the present, counselling can help us come to terms and accept so that we can move forward with new stronger abilities to deal with hurt in the future.
It's impossible to live life without experiencing hurt however much we try to avoid it. Avoidance just causes anxiety and panic.
There are lots of kind caring people on here which goes to show that not everyone wants to cause hurt to others. However, it's also important to learn how to deal with hurt in a positive way so that we can still carry on living our lives rather than to retreat into an existence of isolation and loneliness living in fear and panics.:hugs:
Many thanks for your replies. And a special thanks to our friend Bill who will always seem to be there with a logical theory or solution.
I agree, the past has gone forever and time does move on everyday. But one thing that does concern me is that most of us are on this site for reasons that are more than likely linked to the past.
I know that none of us are perfect and we all make and have made mistakes before.......there is no manual to consult as far as living our life and knowing wrong from right is concerned, only hindsight after the event.
I know it's better to deeply regret our sins rather than have the 'couldn't care less' attitude and I know that most if not all the people on this site are very sensitive and caring with a big heart.
I know I must move on, but the future is uncertain and foggy as far as I'm concerned and I think that I'm stuck in the past because I feel safer there, regardless of the fact that I'm punishing myself.
OK, meeting someone else is one answer. But because of my Agorophobia, lack of self-esteem and confidence and other phobias, I think who would want me anyway. I don't think i could trust anyone anymore either. All I seem to do is think about my wife being with someone else, and my two dear dogs that died with four months of each other three years ago. Something which I should be able to cope with by now.
Thank God for this site and the people on it who help us and pass on their comments and support.
May we eventually find peace and comfort in the end from this terrible illness.
Kevin.
"But because of my Agorophobia, lack of self-esteem and confidence and other phobias, I think who would want me anyway"
I know how you feel although I don't suffer from low self esteem, agoraphobia etc (in fact quite the opposite) my anxiety totally centres around my cats welfare.
I wonder if anyone will want me know I have this brain tumour? But I suppose if you love someone enough their "illnesses" shouldn't matter. :shrug:
hi kevin just wanted to send u a hug :hugs: and to say things will get better i agree with wot everyone as written on this thread and bill has some great valid points.
Lilith1980
01-06-08, 12:24
Hi Kevin
I just wanted to add my two pennies worth here - that is a very deep question, and one I have asked myself in the past.
But I believe that we can't really say we are "this or that" and be like that forever. We are ever-changing, we change with age through experience, life events. I think our attitudes change with time as well - hopefully we become more accepting of ourselves and the people/world around us.
We are multi-faceted. I used to make the mistake of thinking that just because I got something wrong, or didnt do as well in an exam as I'd hoped to, that I was stupid, useless etc. But basing that opinion on ourselves over one thing is a gross over-generalisation.
We are made up of many facets - good and some which we think aren't so good. The ones we think arent so good are areas that maybe we can change through self-development or more self-acceptance but we shouldnt beat ourselves up over these traits because they are what makes us unique from other people.
Its probably not helped much but I just wanted to add that :)
Jo xxxxx
Just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you for the advice and help you have given me. I will try to accept and do the things that many of you have suggested.
Thank you so much.
God bless you all.
Kevin.
Liverbird67
01-06-08, 12:52
Hiya Kevin
I think you are being very hard on yourself, as Trixie says that part of your life is over now, done and dusted. Time to move forward............. I am sure you will find someone to appreicate you, you have been there for me when I have needed advice or a kick up the wotsit I have read loads of your answers to people on here I am sure you are not as bad as you think your just on a downer at the moment mate.
Hey tomorrow might be the day when you start feeling better.
Best wishes
Debbie
Hello Kevin,
We do not know each other and have not spoken with each other ,but I felt very drawn to you after reading your posting.What everyone says here is true,you are (as we all are) unique each in our own way.
I fully understand you and the problems being Agoraphobic brings you,I too am Agoraphobic,and have been for many years since 1965 in fact.
At one time I was completely housebound for 2 years.Added to being Agoraphobic I also have IBS,both of these are extremely inconvenient. Both seem to have been the cause of my last 2 relationships being broken off... both gentlemen tried to deal with the limitations the Aggie and the IBS placed upon them, but sadly found after a time they could not.
I wonder now if there is a man out there who is both able and willing to accept the inconveniences within a loving relationship.If so then I have yet to meet him.I also (like you) suffer from Anxiety,and have many times felt I am a failure,and no good to anyone,and feeling guilty for things outside my control...but over the past 2 years I think very differently now ..and I know I have a lot of love to give to the right man when he comes along.
Yes I too wonder ...who can I hold and be held by ....who can I kiss and be kissed back by
who can I cuddle and be cuddled back by ...who can I love and be loved in return by ....who can I hold hands and have my hand held by......it seems the right man just isnt out there at the moment.....but Kevin I know everything you feel as I too have felt that way in the past and again very recently.I think when 2 people meet and get together if the chemistry is there..they accept all of the person ...sharing the good times and sharing the not so good times with each other ...being there to give each other love.. affection..and support...being understanding of each other...and sharing a very good communication with each other ....I dont think that is too much to ask ....I am no spring chicken Kevin...I am a very young at heart 71 year young retired lady..who still holds out hope for that loving decent honest gent to come along .....if you wish to PM me please feel free to do so ...
take care
Millyimp
Thanks Debbie for your comments and kind words.
This is for all of you who have responded.
I have given very careful consideration to what I am about to say regarding my past and the reason for my guilt. Many of you here are my friends, although we will probably never meet, you are always here for support and compassion to which I am truly gratefull. Therefore, I think it only fair that I am completely honest with you.
In 1996, my wife fell pregnant. This was not a planned pregnancy, although looking back I now have reason to believe that it was as far as my dear wife was concerned. However, my reaction was one of shock and horror! So much so that I encouraged my wife to have a termination. With hindsight, I realise now that my reason was I probably felt an unconscious threat as far as my relationship with my wife was concerned (someone coming between us perhaps), also I felt that I could not deal with the added responsibilty of a baby (I have no children of my own). Also, at that time, I was not working and my desire to find work was not very enthusiastic either.
I can remember dropping my wife at the hospital on the morning of the termination with tears streaming down her face. I can also remember telling her everything will be alright soon. WHAT AN A*****E I was. Thinking about nothing but myself. Obviously my wife wanted to have a baby, hence the tears. OK, I didn't drag her kicking and screaming to the hospital, but I should have read the signs. The fact that my wife wanted a child by me was the greatest gift she could give me, and I was too much a b*****d to see that.
It was 2 months after that that I realised what I had done, basically in my opinion killed an unborn child! I suffered a nervous breakdown and became dependant on my wife for support..........what a wimp!!
Four years later, she left me. I don't think I blame her. I should have been there when she needed me........to welcome the pregnancy, to be overjoyed etc. Not curling up in a ball like a pathetic piece of s**t like I am.
Hence the reason for my guilt. I now look at children and think of what I may have had if I hadn't been so stupid and selfish. Admittedly, it has changed me now for a better person and I will never make the same mistake again. But as far as I'm concerned, I am living my life but my unborn child never had the chance, thanks to me. I view my Anxiety as punishment that I deserve.
Please forgive me if I have upset anyone by posting this. I wanted to be honest to you all. It has given me great pain by writing this as it's all come flooding back again more vivid, but I thought it only fare to explain.
Thank you for reading.
Kevin.
I am sure I speak for all of us in here Kevin,the guilt you feel is immense,but I believe there is a reason for everything that happens,be it good or be it not so good.There must have been a reason for your choice...(and apart from your )feelings of being selfish...that reason is something you will probaly never know.But you are now a better person you say....it could well be you had to carry out your act of (selfish)your word....in order to become the person you are today .
Take Care
Millyimp
x
This was not a planned pregnancy, although looking back I now have reason to believe that it was as far as my dear wife was concerned.
Kevin,
I know I don't know the full story and what I'm saying here could be very wrong but purely based on what you've said, it would appear that your wife knew exactly what she was doing but either didn't consult you or went against your wishes. Perhaps she deceived you into making you think she was taking precautions.
I know accidents happen but if she knew how you felt about children then the responsibility was equally hers to ensure a mistake didn't occur which makes me think her actions were deliberate and therefore selfish.
I can understand the guilt you have been feeling for all this time but I have to question your wifes behaviour towards you because it would seem that not only was having a baby more important to her than your wishes but also you alone weren't important enough to her to stay with you.
Therefore, what I'm saying is it would appear she deliberately put you in a terrible position because she put her own desires before yours. In my eyes, having children should be a joint decision so should she not feel as much guilt for putting you in that position? You must have had total trust in her that a mistake wouldn't happen and yet perhaps she let it happen because she wanted it to happen rather than considering your wishes first.
However, whatever the reasons, this is all past history and I feel it's way past time for you to stop beating yourself up, especially when it would appear that it wasn't your fault that you were put in that position.
I also want to add why I feel for you. When I met my wife she was already suffering from Schizophrenia. Her greatest wish has always been to have a baby and yet she can barely look after herself let alone a baby. Also though, she is on heavy medication so a pregnancy would put her own wellbeing and a pregnancy at risk. I was told that there was also a chance that a child could also develop her illness. To have a baby would therefore mean her coming off her medication which would put her back in hospital because she wouldn't recognise anyone thinking everyone is trying to harm her due to her illness. If the baby then reached full term, I would have to be the one to care for it even when she was back on medication. There has also been my own anxiety to consider and I felt there was no way I could cope with my wife, her illness And a baby.
However, despite all that I know to be true, for 18 years I've lived with the guilt of denying her what she wants most. If a mistake ever occurred, what then would I do? Allow her to go through with it with all the risks involved and then possibly be faced with an extra responsibilty to care for or tell her to abort it? It would be a terrible position to be in just as yours was.
Therefore, in the early years I made absolutely sure that I would not be faced with this situation but lived with the guilt every time she would ask me to let her have a baby. In fact, she told me the only reason she wanted a baby was so that it would look after her when she's old! In the end I had to say to her, if she wanted a baby she would have to find someone else or to accept me alone. I felt very mean in saying that but I felt I had no choice. I also told I would leave and she replied in asking who would look after her?
There is every likelihood that if I wasn't here, that she would spend the rest of her life alone due to her illness. Even her own father told me that he thought she'd always be alone beause her illness is so severe.
After those early years, I stopped all intimacy, not only because of my guilt but also for many other reasons due to her illness and the way she made me feel. I also moved bedrooms but she never even questioned why because unlike myself, intimacy and affection are things she's never needed.
Kevin, I know you feel trapped by your anxieties but unlike me you are very lucky in being a "free" man to find new happiness so I would strongly urge you to go out and find it, and make a new start rather than dwelling on guilt which on the face of it was unfairly put on you.
I don't know the full story and I've no wish to offend anyone in what I've said but I do feel you shouldn't be beating yourself up for something that should have been a joint decision and that it's time you found some happiness in your life with someone who loves you just for you.
thevoicewithinme
02-06-08, 09:23
Hello Kevin,
I agree, the past has gone forever and time does move on everyday. But one thing that does concern me is that most of us are on this site for reasons that are more than likely linked to the past...and that I agree with almost 99.9%, because I know I am.
My past when I look back has so much to do with the way I am now. Especially what happened last year, which I am still struggling to come to terms with.
I also keep with me a whole lot of guilt, something which many people dont know about, this I usually keep to myself, and to be honest I dont really want to go into it right now, but basically what I am trying to say, is that I do understand (to some extent) how you feel...I too suffer with panic attacks and am also agoraphobic.
Kaz
Once again, a big thank you to you all for writing your replies and not shooting me down in flames.
Thank you Kaz, thevoicewithinme, Millyimp, Debbie, Jo, Donna01, Trixie etc.
Bill,
Thanks again for your analysis. I realise this must had taken you a long time to write and also caused you great pain in opening your heart. I also believe it took you great courage in expressing your opinion not knowing how I would react!
Yes, I agree with you as regards my wife. Something which I have gone over before in my own mind is the fact that it was also her responsibility. I seem to recall that prior to the pregnancy she did keep going on about having a baby, and I agree with you that she probably did put me in a very difficult position because of her own desires. Bill, when I look at it from this angle, a few things seem to fit into place easier. Even though we are separated and have been for 8 years now, I have noticed that she will always blame someone else (normally me) for her own misfortunes. When she left me, she moved in with her parents, now she is sick of living there and blames me for the reason she had to move out! She has and still is suffering from bad nerves but most of this is to do with the lowlife she has been dating in the past........however, i still even get the blame for this. Finally, she blames me most of all for the termination of pregnancy which she will never forgive. I remember questioning her once as to why she never said sorry or appologised for anything, her reply was because she was never wrong!!
I get very cross with myself as to why I still love her, why would I love anyone who treats me like dirt. Although very pretty, her nature towards me is acidic and corrosive!
I agree with you Bill, I am more fortunate than you in being a free man. I think you have shown immense dedication, patience and bravery in what you have done and are continuing in doing. I can only imagine that at the end of the day you shut yourself in your room and just want to break free.
I cannot think of any more words that can describe your compassion Bill more strongly. You and others have shown me a different path to take. I now feel less guilt, although I know I still am partly responsible and I will never think otherwise. Bill, I once said to you that I am not a very religous man, but I do believe in God. I repeat.....The one person I would like walking next to me in the wilderness as well as Jesus, would be you!
May God bless you my friend.
Kevin.
Kevin,
The first time you wrote that last paragraph, you brought tears to my eyes because no one has ever paid me such a compliment. I've always remembered that which is why I felt I needed to be honest and try and help ease your guilt. There are far more worthy people you could choose from in this world than myself but it would be an honour to be associated with you and to be in your company. Thank you.
You say she's suffering from bad nerves due to those she's known since and no doubt as a result she's hurting a lot too because of them. Sometimes when people hurt they always seem to take it out on those who care about them and will bring up the issues that have caused hurt, even when fault lies within themselves because they can never admit to themselves that they make mistakes because it hurts too much to accept. It's also easier to blame those who care about them and to use their caring ways against that individual.
I can understand her actions because the maternal desire can be very strong and I feel very sorry for her that it appears she didn't go about things in the right way by consulting with you first and not breaking your trust in her which could have prevented the hurt and upset that has been caused. It does appear that she knew what she was doing and tried to obtain her desires through deceit and emotional blackmail by putting you in a no win position which you have paid for in guilt for too long.
Life though is about making mistakes and learning from them to improve ourselves to move forward but guilt holds us in the past which we cannot change. We just have to come to terms, always try to do what we feel is right and accept we're only human like the old saying, it's no good crying over spilt milk. If it wasn't for mistakes, we'd never learn anything or better ourselves. She needs to come to terms and move on herself.
Love is irrational and illogical. It can make us stand by people who abuse us because we can't see fault in them or live in hope that they will change because we can't see or face reality. In your case you obviously care about her very much which is your sensitive caring way which should be admired. She cannot help being what she is just as you cannot stop caring about her. However, for your own health, it's time you found someone who deserves your love.
I must admit I've found this a very delicate issue but also because I can relate to your feelings so I've tried to think of my wording very carefully as I didn't want to upset you or others. I'm very glad that myself and others on here have helped you to see a different path and I sincerely hope that this path will lead you to the happiness you deserve after your years of inner turmoil.
As for me, well, yes, I do feel trapped by my own weaknesses but I know it's something I either have to find the strength to change or accept but somehow I doubt I'll ever find that strength or be able to stop caring.
Take care and thank you for your very kind words.
hi kevin i just read your thread while back and wanted to comment that what happend really really wasnt your fault and u are blaming yourself way to much. i know exactly what u and probably your wife went through and can understand totally, dont let this ruin your life, deal with it, lay it to rest and move on with your life please. its a big world with lots to see, start enjoying life and meeting other people trust me just be yourself totally and you will be fine and u r funny too, in a very good way and the ladies luv that hugs again for your lovely comments on my thread xxxxxx
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