trying not to wreck it again

[gers]

Hi

Im new to this so please bear with me.
For the last9 years I feel as though it has been the worst of my life and wonder if life is really worth it. I split up with my childrens father, moved several hundred miles away to start a new career, my father died suddenly and quite young at 54, I couldnt do anything to help him, met somebody new, who ended up beating the living daylights out of me and then almost beat me to a pulp when I wouldnt re mortgage my house to bail him out of his debt problems, which I didnt know about until he had moved in with me, went to court, felt like I had done something wrong because I had started taking panic attacks, couldnt leave the house, was doped to the eyes with meds, and was begging him not to leave me. I know mental isnt it, but I thought I couldnt live without him.
Anyway, I done some counselling and some cbt and thought everything was hunky dory. I met a new man 18 months ago, who is an absolute diamond, and Ive started the panic crap again. I have suddenly lost the little confidence I had got back, Im paranoid he doesnt love me, his parents hate me, his mates hate me, im not good enough, I obsess about trying to be the perfect woman so as he wont leave me, and all im succeeding in doing is driving him away.
All of this stems from what I had drummed into me with the last idiot, and I dont know if now that the realtionship is getting serious it has freaked me out that I might get hurt again.
There is so much to this story, I feel like im a nutter. I know im a good person inside, but why is it soooo hard to get that out all the time, why do I panic, then become defensive, which is then taken to be aggressive, then I coz arguments and so on and so on.
Im I the only one who seems to coz trouble and cant control how irrational and freaked out they become. If I was my boyfriend Id probably leave me, Im a nightmare when I get these notions into my head. I dont want to wreck this relationship, but I really need to get some confidence, and stop being silly and looking for things to panic about.

Fiona.x

[Horse]

Hi Fiona,
I think what you are going through is quite natural for someone who is sensitive. It would appear that with the break up of your marriage and the unfortunate experience of the violence associated with your then new relationship has resulted in a feeling of deep insecurity. I would expect that the reason this 'man' became violent towards you was because of his own difficulties in facing realty and responsibilities, therefore they inevitably have to take out their anger or frustration on someone or something that is weaker in order to gain a feeling of superiority! They know that they are pathetic (although they are sometimes unconsciously aware of this), so beating the hell out of someone weaker than them will give them power in their own pathetic little world!

The sudden death of your Father was obvioulsy a great shock to you at such an early age for him. I expect that you loved him very much and the lose of him no longer being here has reulted in you feeling a sense of insecurity and may I say feeling maybe somewhat rejected because he is no longer there for you?

The fact that you have met a new person who is as you say 'an absolute diamond' is very good news (there are still a few of us left)! Understandably, you are worried that this wonderful man will leave you and you will be hurt again. This is probably because of 1. Your past, and 2. Your current Anxiety state, which is probably being fed from your past anyway. Hence the fear and apprehension. Do not try to be perfect in order to keep him. Just be yourself. Sometimes we can try too hard to imprss others and can run the risk of overdoing it, and by so doing cock it up completely!

I'm sure that nobody hates you, again this is a symptom of Anxiety. No doubt you are extremely self conscious of what others think of you (I know I am). Just be nice that's all it takes. If your new partner loves you, he will sympathize with you and understand, providing you have talked to him as far as your problem is concerned. You are not a 'nutter'! You are a very real person who has suffered at the hands of someone who is no more lower than fossil s**t (forgive me), and you have also had to endure the sadness of losing your dear Father. To me you show classic signs of being normal.

I wish you good luck in your relationship. May you have peace and happiness from now on.

God bless you.

Kevin.

[Bill]

There is so much to this story, I feel like im a nutter. I know im a good person inside, but why is it soooo hard to get that out all the time, why do I panic, then become defensive, which is then taken to be aggressive, then I coz arguments and so on and so on.

This is a thread I posted some time ago titled "Emotional Stress". I know it's very long but you may be able to relate to some of it as I feel your past is creating your stress in the present which is causing your panics. Maybe a re-visit to a counsellor would help you because your circumstances have since changed. Anyway, I hope something in this might help you...............

To be truthful I think this is a tricky subject so I’m really not entirely sure whether what I say in this post is right or not. I’m Not qualified as a professional so I’m honestly not sure what they’d make of my views on this. I do though feel fairly sure about the causes as I’ve experienced them myself but as regards dealing with the consequences of them I’m just not sure. Anyway, it may provide some insight as to why we’re like we are but I would be interested to hear from anyone receiving therapy so I know if I’m talking rubbish here or not!:shrug:

Anyway, this is what I think-

We often have a shy, quiet, sensitive nature which makes us “feel” things more than others and I suspect this is connected to our insecurity because we’re in touch with our emotions, aware of how others feel and how they interact with us. This means we are often very caring and have a great sense of empathy hence why a lot of people on here work in the caring professions. However, because we “feel” so much within ourselves and towards others, we’re also vulnerable to feeling life’s hurts and pain.

We’re also often intense, making us deep thinkers and this together with our insecurity creates “worry” so we constantly doubt ourselves creating a lack of self belief and our lack of confidence. These then lead to our anxieties through our vulnerability to fear. When we experience fear, we worry and doubt our abilities. We lose any confidence we had and spiral down to despair and a sense of hopelessness. We become surrounded by negativity within us, in our approach to everything around us, in everything that interacts with us and in all that is said to us by others. We turn in on ourselves and keep ourselves locked in fear.

Throughout our lives we are exposed to both good and bad events but because our worry creates negative thinking, we focus much more on the bad things that affect us. The hurt and pain we experience become absorbed within us but we feel unable to release these feelings because we become used to being the “victim”. We have low self esteem so have a low opinion of ourselves. We prefer to avoid confrontation because of the hurt it creates in us and the pain we feel as a consequence. It goes against our nature. We doubt ourselves thinking we must be to blame so don’t look for blame in others. We become used to being controlled by others and therefore used. We become so used to being used that we come to expect the same treatment from everyone new we meet.

Over time the feelings of hurt and pain build up within us until we can’t take anymore. We look to be attacked in everything others say and do, which means we often misinterpret what they really mean because we’re looking at what they say in a negative way. This means that if someone says something that touches a nerve, we zap them without thinking their comment may have been made in all innocence. We then end up apologising for exploding but beat ourselves up for hurting them because we feel so guilty when it was our programming talking and not us so it wasn’t our fault.

The hurt and pain that’s built up within us preys on our sensitivity making us even more sensitive. Without a release it causes bitterness and resentment. We become angry with the world and this anger is then released when we feel attacked, when a nerve is touched, when we feel frustration and in our lack of patience etc because we have a constant feeling of irritability.

However, these feelings also build up to create anxiety within us because we feel under constant “emotional stress”. Sometimes added stresses at work or at home can tip the balance to a feeling of nervous exhaustion because we can’t take anymore stress. We then think to ourselves why we can’t cope like others, why are we so weak compared to them, why aren’t we as capable etc and so the cycle of anxiety with a depressed state continues.

All the anxieties, the hurt and pain need to be released but in a positive way. This is where counsellors, therapist etc can help to unlock all those trapped feelings. Yes, we need to confront our fears to build our confidence and do things to make us feel proud of ourselves to build our self esteem but the anger within us also has to be dealt with.

We have to learn to release our emotions. Instead of self harming, we need to release our anger in a cushion or pillow and learn to love ourselves regardless of what others think of us reminding ourselves to just accept what they think of us as just their opinion which is of no importance as we know ourselves that the fault lies with them and not us. We need to become assertive with no self doubt, knowing that we are in the right and to stand up to those inflicting us pain without us feeling any guilt as a consequence. We have to believe in ourselves that we should be treated as an equal. We need to learn to love ourselves for the good that exists in us.

However, learning to release anger in the present is one thing but releasing anger from the past can’t be dealt with in the same way because the events in which they occurred have long since gone but the emotional stress still exists within us so we can either dwell on all the bad events, focussing on them, constantly reliving the hurt that we felt and keeping our pain alive in the present or we can deal with them by learning to accept that those events can’t be changed, to come to terms with them and to not allow them to stop us living once more.

There’s an old saying “there’s no point crying over spilt milk”. By letting the past affect our present, we are constantly crying and reliving the pain of the past. This emotional stress Has to be dealt with so that we can come to terms and accept it as past experiences but I feel if we can understand the causes that make us the way we are then this understanding will help us to deal with the issues preventing us from moving forward.

We need to learn a new positive approach, to become stronger and more self confident to be less sensitive towards future hurt so we can deal with pain better. We need to learn patience and ways to relax, to remember to not be so intense and not dwell on negative thoughts. We need to teach ourselves that good and bad events will always happen but we need to focus on the good and not dwell on the bad. We need to learn to accept life for what it is and not allow ourselves to store pain for it to create anxiety and drag us down ach time. We need to learn not to hold “grudges” and suffer in silence but we also need to learn that saying how we feel is “ok” so that we don’t dwell on bad events and so are able to move on. We need to learn not to be so intense and to not think deeply about negative thoughts but look for the good within us and that exists around us.

However, the simple most effective method I can think of is by receiving “lots of comfort and hugs” If you can get them but that means relying on others rather than helping ourselves to be stronger from within…and I don’t believe counsellors provide these…I wish!!! I can remember when I lost my father how desperately alone and panic stricken I felt. All I could think of was where would I get the comfort I needed and all I could think of was to ask the volunteer who had taken me to see him for the last time. That was all I received and ever since then I’ve turned my attention to supporting my mother.

Anyway, with every negative thought, replace it with a positive thought. They say through surviving our bad experiences, the stronger the person we become. As we do with a book, we can either keep replaying the past in our memories and keep reliving the pain we felt at the time or deal with the memories as being the past so we can come to terms and are able to move on with the future with a new positive approach to living our lives.

[gers]

Hurrah

Somebody actually gets where im coming from. Thank the lord, somebody understands me, im not completely mental. lol

fiona

[Bill]

Hello Fiona,

I should think Alot of people on here understand how you must be feeling as alot of people I'm sure have also suffered similar anxieties.

If you think of your anxieties as being the slender branch on a tree, it's possible to work back in time down the trunk of the tree where all the bad experiences have taken place, down to the roots that have created our personalities.

I always feel that once we understand "ourselves", why we're like we are and how our anxieties have surfaced, we can gain an insight into our problems and therefore more able to develop a plan towards overcoming them.

When I think of myself and my anxieties that still exist, I can see why they've developed and where they've originated from so because I understand myself better, I'm less afraid of any symptoms that surface and know now how to combat them.

I have seen counsellors, a psychologist and a CBT therapist in the past. Some have helped, some I found no use but what I've found that has helped me most of all is the knowledge I've learnt that has provided an insight into my behaviours which has helped me to learn how to help myself.

I feel we need people to understand us but they can also help us to understand ourselves and as a result help us to formulate what we need to do to cope better.

I'm glad that I've shown to you that you're definitely Not mental. You're a perfectly normal woman who has suffered traumatic experiences like many others on here but which can be overcome in time so that you are more free to live a happier life which is what you deserve for being the caring "good" woman that you are.:hugs: