Need reassurance please

[ladybird64]

Hi all.

I have posted in the introductions thread about my previous CBT for Agoraphobia which was quite successful.
I also said that I know what I have to do to deal with it, which is true, up to a point. :unsure:
When I was receiving the CBT, I had a lovely therapist who accompanied me on my nightmare excursions to bridges, train stations etc. She stayed with me (well, at a distance :winks: ) while I shook, sweated and turned the air blue with curses. Even though I was terrified, and I briefly toyed with the idea of chucking her over the bridge and into the Thames if she made me stay there ONE minute longer, I coped.
I DO want to get better, I hate having Agoraphobia as there aso many things I really want to do, but I have realised that I have to do this on my own and I'm scared.
There are so many things that I'm supposed to do..go to the place that freaks me out on my own, stay there for 10/20/30 mins/however long it takes to calm down, avoid safety behaviours like checking the time every 10 seconds..the list is endless.
I don't know how to start. :weep: I may joke about it as I'm not used to baring my soul in public and have learned to keep up a facade but I'm terrifed of failure, there is much at stake. I do have very high anxiety levels anyway but don't want to let that stop me but I'm afraid at the moment I just feel lost.
Wherte do I start?
Any suggestions would be really welcome, thanks.

[befuddled1]

but I have realised that I have to do this on my own and I'm scared.
There are so many things that I'm supposed to do..go to the place that freaks me out on my own, stay there for 10/20/30 mins/however long it takes to calm down, avoid safety behaviours like checking the time every 10 seconds..the list is endless.
I don't know how to start. :weep: I may joke about it as I'm not used to baring my soul in public and have learned to keep up a facade but I'm terrifed of failure, there is much at stake. I do have very high anxiety levels anyway but don't want to let that stop me but I'm afraid at the moment I just feel lost.
Wherte do I start?


Hi ladybird
Your fear is perfectly understandable. You have had support with the progress you were making until now. Now that that is gone maybe you are feeling extra responsibility for any success or failure you have, as it can only be down to you.
However, while it will be the case that you are the only person who can initiate and carry out the change you want to make in your life, maybe you don't have to do it alone. Do you have any friends or family who would be willing to help you with this? Anyone who could be there when you go out and, in a sense, take on the therapist's role? This would not be a long term solution but it could be a starting point perhaps.
If that isn't an idea that would work for you (which it may well not be I realise) maybe you could do something else so that you feel less alone about what you are doing. For example, you could start yourself a thread on this site and track your progress i.e., writing when you plan to do something, talking about your concerns and then coming back and writing again when you have done it (or even if you haven't). It might help others to see how someone else is getting on with CBT techniques and I'm sure you'd get lots of support from others on here, especially fellow agoraphobics.
Try not to focus on failure. Maybe it would help to try to accept it, accept that you are bound to fail and that's ok, it doesn't mean that you can't carry on working on overcoming your fears. Sometimes you might fail, and sometimes succeed but as long as you can acknowledge your successes and keep faith that improvement is possible, you should be ok. Also, it may feel like there is an endless list of things you are supposed to do, but you don't have to be doing all of them at once (as above you are allowed to make mistakes). Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to do everything the right way.
Sorry for going all preacher-ish on you. Sure you've heard a lot of stuff like this before but I hope there's something in it that will help you.
Go lady!
Beth

[millyimp]

Hello Ladybird,
I fully understand your fears,and as has been mentioned Acceptance can go a long way to helping you .I have been Agoraphobic since 1965,for over 20 years I was alone in my looking for help,my then Husband tried but couldnt understand ,my family were of help,but what helped me most was finding a self help group.They all knew how I was feeling and we could relate so well to each other..my then H took me and picked me up...and after a few weeks I was able to take some of the group out.that was very good as it was a double therapy...I was helping them ..and helping myself too.That was what started me off in the way of being more able to control it..I began going out just one door away ..then 2 doors away etc....remembering you have also to come back too.The pyschiatrist told me to do it that way (before I found the self help group.
Now many years later i do still have Aggie ,and it does still kick in ,but I can deal with it now...I now have IBS though, that began in 1988... and that makes it somewhat awkward... for going out too....but I am much better now at it than I was,if I can be of any help to you please feel free to PM me....
Take Care
Millyimp

[Bill]

I know that I also have anxiety issues as well but these are fuelled by personal problems that I can't change so I am trying to deal with the one thing I know I can change..with your support... I hope!

You maybe trying to put a pan fire out with the gas left on. This is just another angle you need to look at.

In one of your previous posts you say you have a daughter with a rare syndrome together with other family health worries. Firstly, I can imagine the stress and worry you must be feeling so are you receiving enough support for your daughter?

You cannot change problems that exist but you can develop ways to cope with them better whether it is through practical measures or the way your mind copes with them. Have you considered talking to a counsellor?

Often when we are faced with stresses and worries, they cause us to feel trapped which increases our anxiety which then develops into panics hence the issues you're having to cope with "fuelling" your "fire".

I would firstly look to see what practical measures you can take to ease your stress but if you feel there is nothing more that could help, then to consider counselling to help you vent your stress but also to help you learn how to cope with the pressures better so that you don't store the stress inside which causes your panics.

I feel that you would then be better equipped to cope with panics because the gas will have been turned down.:hugs:

[ladybird64]

Thank you for all your kind words, support and suggestions.
I have dealt quite well with a couple of tricky situations in the past few days and have actually coped better than I thought I would.
I am feeling very rough at the moment though and am finding it very hard to write this as I am used to coping but at ths precise moment I'm trying to keep tears in check.
The truth is we (myself and hubby) don't get any outside support for our daughter and part of her condition is that she has these massive rages which can go on for 3 hours at a stretch.
She is nearly 18 but functions at a lower level and has tantrums like a 2 yr old. She has just had one which has run it's course quite quickly, only because she has fallen asleep. We have to sit here and take abusive language, she says terrible things and has been aggressive to me in the past.
We can't do a thing about it, no reasoning works, it just adds fuel to the fire so we have to sit here and listen to it in silence.
At the moment my stomach is in knots and every muscle is tense and I sit here and think "how much can I take?"..there is no release and she will be back to her loveable self tomorrow like nothing has happened.
If I go to a counsellor, it won't change things will it? (Please don't think I'm being sarky, I'm not :) ) We will still have to cope each time it happens. So the anxiety is in the back of my head all the time, if I remain anxious will I ever be free of the Agoraphobia?
I'm sorry, I honestly don't want to depress anyone as I know you all have your problems but there is no-one to go to, talk to..even though there is a support group it is hardly used and is age segregated in case us parents of older kids say something that might freak out the parents of the younger ones, this is a condition that tends to deteriorate as the kids get older.
So if I can't talk there..there is nowhere. On a lighter note, managed to stay in the queue in the Post Office today without doing a runner. Nope, it's no good, the tears have got the better of me!
Sorry for the rant and thanks for being there.

[Cathy V]

Hi ladybird, good to meet you. You sound like such a great mum. Sorry you are feeling so sad. Knowing what causes our anx is the easy part, coping with it is the hard bit yes? but youve been doing great from what you say. Its very hard to think rationally when in the middle of a panic...the first one is usually the worst. Then come the clones...the ones we keep going ourselves bcause of our own fear of the symptoms. What we all fear is that we will die in the middle of a panic attack but we won't..promise. Did you ever see The Wizard of Oz? the wicked witch of the north put the fear of god into them all, with her thunderous voice and threats of bad things if nobody obeyed her...until 'she' was exposed towards the end of the movie, and it turned out ot be someone behind a curtain talking through a large microphone. Think of panic in this way, that it wants you to fear it and feeds off your fear, but its all a sham really. and when you tell it to sling its hook, it slinks away to bother someone else.

Ok thats simplifying it i know but try to see that you'll be ok, and im not trying to make less of your situation with your daughter because that must be very stressful, im just saying that in a way the reasons we have anx are often not so important, its how we deal with it once its with us that matters and can stop it from becoming something more.

Hope this makes sense :wacko:
Anyway take care
Cathy xxx:hugs:

[Bill]

Hello Ladybird:hugs: ,

I've sent you a pm as I would Really like to know more about your situation as I can So much relate with how you must be feeling and what you're going through. I would Really like to help you as much as possible.:hugs:

I care for my wife who suffers from schizophrenia. She's suffered from the illness since before I met her nearly 18 years ago. In the beginning for many years I received NO support with her illness.

I used to have to lock myself in the bathroom to escape her constant questions due to her paranoia and afterwards she'd behave as if nothing had happened so couldn't understand why my nerves were torn to shreds.

For years I fought for the support we needed through our doctor, LMHT and social services.

I honestly feel that to combat your agoraphobia, firstly you need to get more support and not just through medications for daughter. It's totally Wrong to allow you to cope alone like this but before I offer any advice, I would really like to learn more so I can suggest things to help you.

Effectively, although she's your daughter, you are actually her carer and so deserve carers rights.

Have you tried pushing your doctor for more support? Has he been in contact with social services? Have you been offered a carers assessment? Are you receiving any benefits to help care for her? Have you tried ringing the DSS to find out what carers or disability benefits you and your daughter are entitled to? Have you contacted Carers UK for advice?

I hope you will get in touch with me so I can try and help you more because it really isn't right that you're being left to cope alone like this! If I don't know all the answers, I'm More than happy to find out for you.:hugs: