Are we really honest?

[thevoicewithinme]

I received a text message last night, asking how I am, to which I replied 'I am fine thanks, how are you?'

To which I received back 'Why do we always lie about how we are feeling?'
The text message I received was from another member on here, I won't name her, but she knows who she is...and to me she has been a great support.

What I am trying to get across is....are we really honest with other people about how we feel? Because, I know I am not. I never ever (but am about to) tell anyone how alone and scared I feel, how frightened I am of never getting my life back, and how at times I just cry and cry until there are no more tears and in my deepest darkest moments, I even think about ending it all, as I truly believe that my children would be so far better off without me, that I am a failure as a mother and so on and so forth...but then I stop...and I think of my children, and how four of them have already had a father who died, so need me even more...and how my other two (my babies) have got to grow up and then one day find out what their (blood) father is...and I realise that I cannot be selfish, I have to think of my children they all need me, as does my wonderful boyfriend who treats all six of my children as if they were his own.

How can I feel alone some of you might ask? I have a big family yes, and I know physically I am not alone, but mentally I am. It is only me who truly knows how I feel, it is only me who has all these horrible symptoms that come with anxiety and it's only me who can make myself go out, which, although I was finding it easier, I am now finding it harder and harder.

Maybe, that is why I cannot be honest with people about the way I am feeling. Maybe they expect so much more of me, and because I can't give it to them...I lie!

Kaz x

[NatashaW31]

Hi Kaz,
no defo not, i always say i'm fine to try and protect them that care about me, i hide my pain my missery my anxiety my saddness as much as i possibly can because i know they can not do anything other than be there and don't want them to stress out and worrie about me, The people close to me can usualy tell anyway yet i still try and reasure them i'm ok .
I have a saying for the meaning FINE Its F####d up insecure Neurotic and Emotional (hope this does not offend) :blush:
so a phew close people now when i say i'm fine they no the saying so no i'm not.
Nat x
P.s i luve your picture Kaz!

[thevoicewithinme]

Hi Nat,

I love your new meaning for the word 'fine' think I will be remembering that from now on...describes me down to the bone lol.

Kaz

[popsy]

Kaz, i know exactly what you mean and how you are feeling. When ive felt really low the only thing that has stopped me doing anything silly is my children and them having to grow up with the knowledge that their mother did what she did and i couldnt then control how they would feel about this, blame themselves, think i didnt love them enough etc.. etc... and known of that would be true, i wouldnt want to mess their little lives up, i couldnt bear it!
Anyway, enough of that, yes i always say fine, even when im not, i think it is to protect the people we love, because they love us and seem so happy when we say fine, we dont want to disappoint or sadden them. Also, it must get so boring for them if we continuinely seem to moan, some of them must think 'oh come on, blimee, arent you better yet!'
Thats why NMP is great at least here we can be blatently honest!
Thinking of you, and honesty i know how you are feeling hun! XXXXXXXX

[never2late]

Nice thread. Yes, I protect others from how I feel -- not wanting to burden them with my own bad days. I can be nervous and churning inside, panicky, and even shaky, but I'll always smile and get on as if I'm feeling light as a breeze. It's those moments when alone -- when the activities have died down and all is quiet -- that I would find myself back "within" myself once again . . .

[mlondon]

Hi

I do try and protect others to but when it got really bad I did begin to tell people how I was feeling and I was amazed at how many people said they have had a similar experience or said I can call on them anytime for support. It really helped me. It is also one way of finding out who your friends are. Now I am feeling a bit better though I try not to go on about it to people, especially my boyfriend, for fear of burdening them. I recommend telling a select few hwo you are really feeling, it might help.

[lilly-lou]

Hi kaz,
I'm never honest about my feelings, whenever I do see people they always say "look at you, you always smiling" yeah maybe on the outside as I don't want to bore people with my worries. I like you have 6 kids to look after and they are the only thing that keep me going. I feel like you that although I have a big family, mentally, I am probably one of the most lonely people about and hate that thats why I find this website so useful as there are so many of us here who feel the same

[thevoicewithinme]

It is good to see all of your replies, thank you :)

Talking of lonliness...I was talking to an old, old friend on msn earlier and told him of the way I am now etc...he said to me how on earth can I be lonely with my brood? It's quite simple really...I could be in a roomful of people and still be lonely...he didn't understand and vanished from online...guess that's another friend gone :shrug:

Kaz

[NatashaW31]

:hugs: Well in that case he wasnt a friend sweetie,
I get that completely, i always feel lost like i don't belong and oh so lonely but put on the old landlady smile to the world, my boyfriend gets so mad and says i shouldnt be this way if i am happy with him but he just doesnt understand that its not him it's me, sorry got side tracked there LOL You now have peeps that understand anyway :hugs:
Nat x

[milly jones]

kaz,

love u loads hun

im fine too

at least we can be honest with each other

milly xxxx

[thevoicewithinme]

Nat, your boyfriend sounds just like mine..my boyfriend feels that I am not happy with him because I am this way....I keep trying to tell him just how happy I am with him and that it's not his fault that I am like this..but he so doesnt understand as hard as he tries.

Milly, you are a wonderful fantastic lady....thank you hun and sending you lots of love and hugs.

Kaz xxxxxxx

[Granny Primark]

Hi kaz,
I read yer your post with tears in my eyes.
I never realised how bad you had been feeling.
Saturday i txt you cus i was feeling really anxious. You gave me support and encouragement. For which I will be always greatful for.
Call it intuition if you like. But last night I had a feeling that you were covering something up.
A couple of weeks ago I was on a real downer. The lowest ive been in years. Because I happened to say to this family member how I felt I got accused of attention seeking.
Because we suffer an illness that others cant see it doesnt mean that we arent ill.
Thats why I think we say we are fine when we arent.
We are embarrassed and ashamed.
Well I know I am.
Its time we were honest with each other and open up to people who understand what we are feeling.

See you soon kaz
Loads of love

[thevoicewithinme]

Awww Lynn, thank you...you say that I give you support...but you do me too hun xxxx You are a lovely lady Lynn, and I know you have been through so much, but I also know that you are beating this dreaded panic and agoraphobia, bit by bit you are beating it Lynn...I believe in you, you can do it!!

I really am looking forward to meeting you and your husband at the weekend, it's going to be great to see you face to face. I know you said earlier that you will try get here in the week too, but promise me Lynn, that you won't push yourself too far.

Thank you Lynn for your kind words and your support...you are a lovely lovely lady.

Kaz xxxxxxxx

[weeble40]

AWW Kaz you know im here for you, you can always be honest with me

Emma

[gers]

Hi there,

I think most of the time I lie to people, such as my mum, neighbours, work mates etc, partly because Im ashamed sometimes of the way I am or the way I can be during a particularly bad attack.
The only ones who seem to get the brunt of it and know im no where near fine are my boyfriend and my kids. I often think my kids would be better off without me, but when I think again, I couldnt leave them. My boyfriend, is probably the one person I wish I could just say im fine to and keep smiling, as I feel like im just a burden to him and he could do so much better than me. All I seem to do is moan to him and give him stress. If im not panicking ive got IBS or im making up more stuff to worry about.
I do like the meaning of "fine", that made me smile, so I think I shall try that one out also.
How many other people though do you think are saying the same thing when inside they very well could be falling to bits as I quite often am.
I totally get where your coming from regarding being lonely. I moved away from my family and friends, my choice, but I have never felt so alone, even though I have lots of people round me most of the time, I seem to crave that special friendship, somebody who just gets me and doesnt need to ask questions they just know what to do or say.
Its nice though dont you think that so many people on here truly do wish each other well and are there for each other, including you Kaz, so try not to feel as alone, think of your friends here, the real friends who dont judge and do understand.

Take care
Fiona.x

[Bill]

I think we lie for a variety of reasons as you've mentioned above such as not wanting to burden or worry others because we feel we need to act strong or feeling embarrassed and ashamed because we think that we're a failure if we say we're not coping etc etc.

We also fear losing people because of what they'll think of us or they'll belittle us for the way we're feeling. I think we become afraid to open up to others.

I'm sure there are other reasons too.

However, I think there there is an underlying reason. The feeling of being alone because we feel no one understands us so we bottle our true feelings. This though does more harm than good because we're storing negative feelings which makes our anxiety worse. That's where counselling can help to release them.

We can feel alone in a crowded place or with close friends and relatives because we feel no one understands us and so we feel we don't belong.

My father and I were very much alike. He knew how I was feeling without me having to say a word. When I was sitting silently when family visited or in a crowd of strangers, he would always be the one to look across at me to give me a smile and come over to sit with me because he knew how I was feeling because he thought like me.

When I rang and spoke to my mother, he would always call out and enquire if it was me and ask how I was. He was much more than a father. He was my best and closest friend. He was always there for me and knew exactly what to do or say.

Even when I took overdoses and he came to collect me, he never said a word asking me why or what happened. He would just ask if I was ok and even though I would say I was, we both knew the hidden truth but he always understood. He would feel anger but not with me. He would feel anger that I had been driven to it but he would never have a go at me because he knew my reasons.

I know I've said this before but when he became ill, it was my turn to be there for him and I would have done Anything to save him. When I lost him my best friend was gone. My support was taken away from me. My heart literally broke in two because I felt the pain when it cracked.

Since I lost him there has been an even greater void and emptiness, and yet ironically, I no longer do the things I used to. I also have to be here for my mother to support her. I know mothers often understand their offspring and I know she does but I don't feel she truly understands me because in many ways she doesn't have my fathers personality. He was irreplaceable.

I'm sorry I've digressed but I feel we lie because we want someone to understand us without us needing to say a word.......to provide that connection and "feeling" of being understood or that comfort hug that says more than words can ever say, just as you've written..............

I seem to crave that special friendship, somebody who just gets me and doesnt need to ask questions they just know what to do or say.:hugs: