View Full Version : The right partner?
What do you look for in the opposite sex and what happens when they don't treat you as you expect them to?
I think most of us on here feel lonely, even when we have a good partner, lots of friends or family around us. Why? Because we feel no one understands us.
So what do we need from a partner? Firstly of course, we should find someone we feel who understands us.
What sort of person might that be?
Would these traits attract you?...........someone is sensitive, caring, gentle but strong, loving, someone who is always there for you, someone patient, someone who is able to reassure both in words and comfort, someone who is tactile who loves giving hugs and affection, someone we feel we can talk to about all our worries without fear of attack, someone who maybe is a bit of a worrier, someone who takes pride, someone who is maybe a bit of a perfectionist, someone who is conscientious, someone we can connect with, someone who always thinks of others feelings, someone who feels guilt if they feel they hurt someone, someone to feel safe with etc.
Who has those traits? Well.......how about an anxiety sufferer?:winks: ........so then why should we feel we can't be loved?:shrug:
What happens when we meet someone who attacks us because they don't have the understanding and patience for our traits?......We beat OURSELVES up and ask ourselves what's wrong with US!:shrug:
Tell me out of all those traits above what's WRONG with US?.......if you can't see any then why beat YOURSELVES up for being the LOVABLE person you are??? :bighug1:
Bill, as usual a great post and spot on. Ive been married twice and got it wrong both times, except for my great kids...all adults now. In fact they have more understanding and compassion about the effects of anx on life than anyone i know either of their fsthers ever did, and it was often my children who helped me through many a panic attack.
My new partner, who i met after a long time living alone, tells me i'm much more sensitive to his feelings than he's ever known before, that i listen to him and give good advice when needed hahaha! not sure about the good advice but i guess you're right when you say that living with our anxiety for so long makes us more open to other ppls feelings and sufferings too.
He also tells me i can be such a grumpy cow sometimes too! :ohmy:
Best wishes
Cathy V xxxx :)
I was married for 18 years to someone who suffered from mood swings and had temper tantrums ever so often, I met him through work. I am an extrovert, very chatty, love comedy and have a lot of friends (the complete opposite to him).
He is no longer alive and I would like to meet someone else BUT this time they would have to have the same personality as myself.
It is hard living with someone like this as you don't know from one day to another what they are going to be like.
I would like someone who thought I was the best thing since slice bread and would spoil me and I could spoil them also.:D
Hiya
I was with my childrens father for over 10 years, we split just through one thing and another, and I met somebody else through work. That somebody else turned out to be a fruitcake, up to his eyes in debt, and finally his true colours started to show through when he beat the living daylights out of me. This is where I have got most of this panic stuff and obsession etc from.
Now I have met somebody who all he wants to do is spoil me, is trying so hard to understand why I am the way I am, and he is getting to the point of frustration with me and more so with my ex, as he understands its his fault im like this. The problem I have though is now I have somebody who is the most caring, loving person in the world, I dont believe he means it, I dont believe I am worth that, and so I wonder who it is I should be with. I want to be with somebody like you say Trixi, and that is what I have at the moment, but how long will that last, before I drive him away.
The one thing I would fault him on is that he finds it uncomfortable to be very affectionate, but even if he was more cuddly and kisses etc would it really make any difference,id still be the same I think.
thevoicewithinme
06-06-08, 10:01
Bill, I read your post with great interest...and yes I agree us anxiety sufferers are everything that you said..but we DO still think to ourselves, who would want us?
gers...reading your reply, well that could be written by me. My partner who I am with now, doesn't understand the way I am, and yes he gets frustrated too trying to understand. When I can't do things because of my agoraphobia and panic...my partner gets very angry and he tells me he is not angry at me, but at my ex for making me this way. Like you also, I don't believe the things that my partner tells me, I don't believe that he loves me, I don't believe that I am worthy of him etc.
Kaz
Bill.
Once again an excellant post and true of course!
Would these traits attract you?...........I read this and began to relate to myself as one of these people before I even got as far as Who has those traits? Well.......how about an anxiety sufferer?
As usual, you are spot on in your diagnoses. I think that the major difficulty in all of this, is that fact that once we have discovered and been enlightened to the fact that we ARE punishing ourselves, probably unconsciously in most cases, we find it impossible to actually stop beating ourselves!
Most of us feel trapped by our own limitations. We know we must move on in order to leave the past behind and I believe that if we could, then we would. It is as though we are trying to run but our shoes are glued to the ground. As I have mentioned before in a previous post concerning my own feelings........It's as though I feel safe in the past and frightened of the future because a future with no fear or anxiety is somewhere I've never been!
There are people out there who are all of those things that you mentioned.
The problem is how do we meet them? There is always something there to inhibit us.........Agorophobia, Emitaphobia, Panic attack, Upset stomachs, Lack of confidence or self esteem and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Where do we go in order to meet them? I personally feel that I need to go back to primary school and start all over again for a second chance!
Why is it that people who are so nice and caring suffer from these symptoms? I know of some guys who are complete s***s and they treat their wives or girlfriends like dirt. But they still stay together.
As much as I would love to have a new relationship, basically, it scares the hell out of me. I think we are suffering from a need to administer what a collegue of mine refers to as some 'psychological anal explosive'.
As usual Bill, a superb post!
Kevin.
milly jones
06-06-08, 11:14
bill,
thanks again for a post to make me think
i would love to be able to offer my husband all that he wanted in a relationship.
i would also love to be treated as special and important to him.
hes not a bad person but doesnt understand anx and this frustrates him.
i do blame myself for my illness and feel i lack skills to have a relationship.
i yearn to be the person i was when i was younger.
its so hard no to accept the blame for this illness, even when the answers as to why are starting to emerge.
sometimes i just wish an understanding hug could help ease the hurt
milly xx
hi milly its sad that u dont feel special and important to him, is that just how u feel? cos he may think u are those things just not good at showing them mayb. you sound lovely and id luv to give u a hug xxxxx
vladimir3d
06-06-08, 13:42
awwwwwww
Would these traits attract you?...........someone is sensitive, caring, gentle but strong, loving, someone who is always there for you, someone patient, someone who is able to reassure both in words and comfort, someone who is tactile who loves giving hugs and affection
I'm desperately trying to be like that :blush:
Vladimir, stop trying......just be You because you'll find you don't have to try!
Milly, if our partner treats us as being special and important, we can then give them all they want in return but it's up to them to make an effort to treat you the way you deserve First so don't beat yourself up for being You!:hugs:
Kevin, where do we meet them? Well, the "right" people can be met online or in places such as anxiety management groups held by charities such as MIND.
Kaz, I Would!:hugs:
Gers, I actually feel if he was able to show you more affection, it would help to enforce how lovable you actually are and make you feel more secure. I'd want to why I couldn't be shown affection.:hugs:
Trixie, with your personality, your partner would be the lucky half!:hugs:
Cathy, you grumpy?????? Never! I don't believe him!:lac: ........must be His fault if you are!:winks:
Vladimir, stop trying......just be You because you'll find you don't have to try!
Milly, if our partner treats us as being special and important, we can then give them all they want in return but it's up to them to make an effort to treat you the way you deserve First so don't beat yourself up for being You!:hugs:
Kevin, where do we meet them? Well, the "right" people can be met online or in places such as anxiety management groups held by charities such as MIND.
Kaz, I Would!:hugs:
Gers, I actually feel if he was able to show you more affection, it would help to enforce how lovable you actually are and make you feel more secure. I'd want to why I couldn't be shown affection.:hugs:
Trixie, with your personality, your partner would be the lucky half!:hugs:
Cathy, you grumpy?????? Never! I don't believe him!:lac: ........must be His fault if you are!:winks:
Come here Bill and let me hug you.:D
Lilith1980
08-06-08, 21:55
I don't know if its so much about understanding as it is about support.
No one can truly understand something they havent experienced. If I were to have a limb amputated, how would someone with all their limbs understand what difficulties I faced? They could never truly understand how I felt because they wouldnt be in the same position as me.
I think if we ask our other halves to understand, then this might be asking too much. But that shouldnt stop us from talking to them and trying to describe what we go through so that they can support us better.
My b/f got frustrated because he couldnt help me, he didnt have any answers. I realised that I didnt want answers, I just wanted someone to listen to me and he does that now, which helps. Having someone to listen can stop us from feeling isolated and alone I think :)
Jo xxxxx
Trixie, all hugs gratefully received!:) :bighug1:
Jo, yes, patience. Someone prepared just to sit and listen because they care even if they can't truly understand. I'd agree with that!
If someone without a limb met either of you, I'm sure you'd both be Brilliant with them because of your caring natures!:bighug1:
Hi
I can be supportive, caring , understanding and loving...........to a point. Does that mean I'm selfish? I work in a supporting role and I love it, my partner is tremendously supportive of all my anx's, panic's, periods of high and low, and I would like to believe that I support him to. Indeed if you asked him I know he would say that I do. But, and there is a big BUT! I can only be like this for so long then it gets too much and i back off, especially when it starts being detrimental to my own health. This may sound awful, but I'm gonna be honest... sometimes I feel like I have zero tolerance to other peoples problems. I can't be bothered its too much of an emotional drain on my already most of the time depleted resources. Does anyone else feel like this? Am I uncaring, unsupportive, unloving? |don't know but I guess it might look like that soemtimes. I also acknowledge periods in my life when i have been unable to see passed how i feel to even try to be there for someone else. The reality is for me that sometimes I will and sometimes I wont it depends on how I feel.
Pooh x
another fantastic post bill. you should be a counsellor!!!!! i'd pay you. you always know just the right thing to say.
ju
milly jones
19-06-08, 18:11
i agree totally
bill is an asset to nmp
keep them coming please
milly xxxxxx
I can only be like this for so long then it gets too much and i back off, especially when it starts being detrimental to my own health.
Am I uncaring, unsupportive, unloving? |don't know but I guess it might look like that soemtimes.
Pooh:hugs: ,
No, of course you're Not uncaring etc. We all just have our own limitations and so need to protect ourselves for the sake of our own health otherwise we're unable to care and support others in the ways we can when we feel well. It's just being sensible.
Julie:hugs: and Milly:hugs: ,
I was once asked by an organisation if I would consider becoming a counsellor and yes, I reckon I'd enjoy it but I felt I had too many issues of my own, I'm too sensitive and I know I wouldn't be able to remain detatched because I guess I would care Too much. That's why I admire nurses so much because often they know how to "switch off" their feelings after a depressing day at work whereas it would upset me too much if I couldn't help someone.
I remember being interviewed by a social worker and afterwards when I thanked her for her time, she looked at me with a puzzled expression and replied "I'm just doing my job". It made it feel so clinical but I know in that line of work and with counselling, you need to stay objective to do the job properly but I know I'd be too subjective.
In the unlikely event that I ever did become a counsellor, I certainly wouldn't accept any payment from someone who needs help though because my conscience wouldn't let me. I'm just more than happy to offer my thoughts in the hope that something I say might help someone and it also gives me a sense of purpose. The other reason being was to meet some lovely people such as yourselves and in truth, most anxiety sufferers Are lovely people because of their sensitive caring natures but they just can't see it.:hugs:
:D pooh i agree with you 100%:yesyes: we have had these debates continuously on nmp about partnersand family members. and it has been a long long standing source of concern for me as it is for anbody who suffers from an anxiety disorder.
okay, before we became like this, where anxiety, panic, depression or a combination of all three took us over - which bear in mind we allow this to happen - time and again i have tried to get ppl to see that this is not an 'illness' - you are choosing to think the way you are and that is making you 'feel' ill - you can take that or deny it, but eventually you will have to make the connection between your thoughts and your feelings and physical sensations - they are all interconnected and it becomes a habit. once you step off this habitual treadmill you can 'see' clearly:yesyes: you can see that there was a time when you werent obsessed with being 'understood' - it didnt matter! it only matters becasue you dont feel right,once you feel right you will no longer worry about whether anyone cares or understands - like jo says it is asking too much of anyone who hasnt been there to understand. and we ruin our relationships over this - but there is another way - you yourself deal wiht how you are feeling, you yourself understand and support yourself, you raise your self-esteem because nothing anybody does or says can affect how you feel - you feel great about yourself!!!! and you can do anything:yesyes: this is good healthy self-esteem that gives you sooooo much confidence, but it need to be worked at, and it needs to become a habit the way your negaive thoughts about yourslef and others have become a habit. if you wan to feel like you used to, all you have to do is stop blaming yourself, stop blaming anyone else for not giving you wha tyou 'need' and work on your negative thoughts in a methodiacl way - challenge every sdingle one of them, ask yourself where the evidence is for how you are thinkning, and look for a more balanced view. our disorders are mainly created by faulty thinking - this is 'fact' and why cbt actually works if you give it enough time and commitment. if you are in the wrong relationship that is a seperate issue, but if you atay becasue you are scared of th ealternative then tha tis also part of your anxiety disorder. if however you know your problem is not the rel;ationship but your anxiety disorder then the only thing you can do is work work work on the anxiety disorder and everything else will take care of its self - if you have a person who has stayed with you through all your craziness as i have, even if they havent understood then the biggest mistake you could make is to end that relationship, you will go from one relationship to the next looking for somebody to understand and only end up dissapointed, unless ofcourse like some ppl you meet some one the same as you, and you deal with your problems together. personally like pooh i dont feel i have the patience myself to cope with soemone like me, which is why i cant expect too much of anybody else!:winks:
:D bill, you could always become a voluntary cousellor?:winks:
hi emma your post was great and very true, i have cbt and think very much the same as you now, i never used too. i have had cbt for few months and its really made me see that its great having advice and support but at the end of the day we are incharge of ourselves and changing the way we think really does help. i no longer sit there saying i cant change or i dont like, or was i ok etc i have done something about it and now i am much more confident and my self esteem has shot up. most of all i am happy with my self and life. i used to put a pretend smile on and pretend i was happy and inside i was a wreck but now i can smile properly and i me and my hubby are great too. sorry for rambling i gone off the subject of this thread abit hehe.xxx
well being nearly 14 i probs wont get a boyfriend yet but well he would have to be nice,understnding not yell at me when i get in a state umm just someone i could feel relaxed and happy around , someone really easy to talk to.obviously affectionate uh you no but know's you like when you need comforting and when you just need to be on your own.they would have to be sensitive and protective but in a good way you no someone you would trust with your life this is alot to ask but i hope i find it one day :)
:yesyes: hey donna, no you havent gone off the thread my friend:yesyes: i wanted to point out that if you use cbt properly with dedication and commitment you can become the person you really want to be and you end this non-stop 'need' to be understood and cared for which is actually all part and parcel of chronic anxiety disorder states, and you are acheiving that new frame of mind and are benefitting from all that comes with it,im sooooo glad you are getting better! me too:yesyes: :hugs:
hey emma well im so pleased cbt is working for us both and like u say we are now becoming the people we want to be cos we want that change bad enough. anyone can do it if they want to i recommend cbt to anyone but you have to stick with it for a while hugs to u emma great posts xx
i will just add too that if u already have a great partner then it will work even better after that help and if u havent then by becoming confident etc you have more chance of meeting a good genuine loving partner xx
:winks: :yesyes: yeah ofcourse you are soooo right donna, the better we are in ourselves the more likely we are to have a good healthy relationship, i catch myself all the time now being whiny and unreasonable and downright selfish!!! - i never used to be like this!!! and your right i dont want to be like this so badly tha ti have commited to the cbt, and like i said i catch myself before its too late, which i didnt have the ability to do before because i didnt know that all my thinking errors were causing me soooo many problems:wacko: - and also as a result of this you no longer 'suck-up' anybody else's crap - its brill - i am free:yesyes: hugs to you too donna:hugs:
aww hugs to u and everything u have said i can relate to as i was exactly the same but not now, great isnt it emma. pm me anytime if u fancy a chat hugs take care xxx
:hugs: :yesyes: :winks: cheers donna!!! will do that, and same to you too - feel free to pm me anytime:winks: :hugs:
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