ocd/depression

[paul1234]

hi my names paul im 35 year old man who sufferes from obssesive intrusive thoughts, at the moment im on prozac which i have been on 6 years, the medidcation is not really working?! as well as ocd im an alcoholic/drug addict, im in aa/ca and am currently working a 12 step program which for my alcoh addiction.
at present im 6months 1wk clean/sober.
now the problem i have thoughs of gay tendencies/suicidal thoughts/harming others/not loving family/friends/thinking im going to kill someone/thinking im a evil these thoughts hsve plagued me for years and even though im a hetrosexual man who had a bit of sxl abuse when i was a child, the thought of being gay when i no im not causes me great distress, from this thought stems im going to kill someone, then back to being gay, all the while my own logic tells me i,m not, but the intrusive thoughts are doing mu nut in.
i couldnt work today as i cant concentrateand and am just like a prisoner trapped in mind, i no these thoughts are not real but still after 10 years with this mental ilness its unbeleavable that a few thoughts can floor me...........
i am at my wits end is there anybody out there who experiences the same intrusive thoughts?????? and what is the best thing to do????im fed up with walking around thinking im a gay/ un lovable psycotic nutacase. the 12 step program can not help this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please help!:scared15:

[jellybean43]

Hi Paul
Sorry I cant be any help regarding the intrusive thoughts but I would just like to say you have done FANTASTIC with everything so far!!
I suffer with HEALTH ANXIETY and I am constantly thinking i have cancer. I find one lump/bump and get it checked out then i am on to another.
It is driving me crazy and just wish i could be ok and stop thinking about it virtually every waking minute!!!
So, for all i dont have the same thoughts as yourself i do have other awful thoughts. I would just say it takes time and i am sure you will get better in time.
Just sending you a big:bighug1: and hoping you can stay strong xxxxx

[SharonDerby]

Hi Paul.
Firstly well done on everything you have acheived.........massive respect to you.
I too have suffered thoughts like you in the past, i used to think things like what if i killed myself.....what if i killed someone else......what if i just stabbed myself.....what if what if?what if? it's a horrible thing to have and i sympathise with you, all i can do is explain something that happened to me by chance one day that helped changed the way i thought.
I was tooing and froing to the doctors every 2 or 3 days with various problems mainly health related worries i had this that the other etc but mainly i had a very severe phobia of being sick, obtrusive thoughts (as iv'e said above) and a really overwhelming fear of going mad and being locked away and i meen very very afraid of going mad it occupied my mind 24/7, anyway on one visit to the doctors i was called in to see the nurse who was very nice and chatted to me about why i felt the way i did and thought the way i thought, at the end of the conversation she smiled and said oh dear if only you understood how the mind works i said oh yes if only....she said no truely if you understood then you would realise that you can't possibly be going mad .............if you were how would you know?
i couldn't answer her but somehow i just knew there and then that she was right how would i know? do what we call mad/crazy people know that they are that way? no they dont, it never worried me after that because i just thought to myself as long as i think i'm mad going mad then i'm not, and because i wasn't affraid by it anymore the thoughts went away, so much so that i'm quite happy to be slightly mad now lol.
I know that won't work for everyone but i hope it will make you see that most of what we are affraid of is just fear.
You are not gay as you say, if you were then i'm sure it would just be part of you but because you know your not gay the thought of being gay scares you therefor it's fear it does not mean you are gay.......you can apply this to most things.
I hope that makes sense to you, it's hard to put into words but trust me they are only thoughts the same as any other thoughts BUT because they scare you they hang around so just try to think of yourself not being affraid of those things just say to yourself i don't care about these thoughts and in time they will become less intrusive.
Hope this helps a little
Sharon :)

[chalky]

Hi Paul,

Welcome to the Forum.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

You will get loads of support and advice here.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[Marginalia]

hi my names paul im 35 year old man who sufferes from obssesive intrusive thoughts, at the moment im on prozac which i have been on 6 years, the medidcation is not really working?! as well as ocd im an alcoholic/drug addict, im in aa/ca and am currently working a 12 step program which for my alcoh addiction.
at present im 6months 1wk clean/sober.
now the problem i have thoughs of gay tendencies/suicidal thoughts/harming others/not loving family/friends/thinking im going to kill someone/thinking im a evil these thoughts hsve plagued me for years and even though im a hetrosexual man who had a bit of sxl abuse when i was a child, the thought of being gay when i no im not causes me great distress, from this thought stems im going to kill someone, then back to being gay, all the while my own logic tells me i,m not, but the intrusive thoughts are doing mu nut in.

Have you tried cognitive-behavioural therapy? It seems to me that these kind of thoughts and worries are exactly the kind of thing that CBT is really good at helping with. (You can get self-help books like Burns' Feeling Good handbook, but it's probably better if you can see a therapist to start you off). For example they might get you to work through each of the fears you mentioned, and to work out why you have that fear and what's at the bottom of it - and then you replace the irrational thoughts with more reasonable and rational ones which are much less scary.

Your intrusive thoughts remind me of a friend of mine who had an eating disorder and kept thinking she was fat when she was not. I felt that underlying her eating disorder was a lack of acceptance for fat people, and thus, to her, being fat would mean she despised herself and she would expect other people to despise her. Is it possible that your intrusive thoughts represent things that you would feel would make you contemptible in the eyes of others? Perhaps other people are giving you that message (that is, the people you have spent time with have been judgemental and conditional in their acceptance), or perhaps it is something you are giving to yourself - and for example if you spent some time talking to some gay blokes you might come to accept that being gay isn't anything to be afraid of. [N.B. I'm just an ordinary person not a therapist or anything so I'm just musing on things so this may not be anything applicable to you - a counsellor would help you discover your own answers]

You have really taken some enornously brave leaps already, and are starting to take control of your life. I think that's the key - to be willing to change and take responsibility for trying to make one's own life better. At this point you seem very open to trying new things which might help, so just keep doing that. It's hit-and-miss, trial-and-error, a sometimes painful journey, but much better than standing still and sinking. And a huge part of the journey is to seek out the kind of people who are going to give you support and acceptance and help. For me, that has turned out to be a counsellor, a surprising random subset of my acquaintances, and various social clubs which I have chosen on the basis of their having similar views to myself.

Good luck and *hugs* to you,
Marginalia

[Marginalia]

And I'm still thinking about this. It seems that many (most? all?) of us on this forum are afraid that there is something 'wrong' with us on some level. For you it's coming out in fears that there's something 'morally wrong' with you. For others it comes out as there's something 'socially wrong', and I'm in the group of people who it comes out as there's something 'physically wrong'.

We spend all the time dwelling on these symptoms when, in my experience, what needs to be addressed is something different, such as feelings left over from the past or current life circumstances (insecure financial situation, bereavement, relationship issues, job issues or whatever). The human mind is a fascinating and complex thing!


Just to add, I have experienced the most extreme example of 'intrusive thoughts', a long time ago when I was a teenager, I had auditory hallucinations, i.e. 'voices in my head' telling me that I was evil. Fortunately I knew them to be hallucinations and simply turned the radio up to drown them out. That was pretty horrible (and spooky) though. So I sympathise with anyone whose mind finds extreme ways to torment them.

[Nibbles]

Hi Paul and :welcome:

You'll get loads of advice and support here while making new friends along the way.

Take care,

Mike :)

[milly jones]

hi paul

well done in your fight with alcohol, im so proud of u

really glad u found nmp as im sure it will help

most of us here tend to have negative thoughts that they are trying to control

have a read of the website and the top tips section of the forum

keep up the good work

milly x