urgent tips on monophobia

[gers]

Hi guys

I touched on this briefly last night in chat and ive also read some older posts on this subject.
I desperately need help with some tips on how to overcome this. I had yet another massive argument with my partner today, this can not go on and we are going to split up. We almost split up today, and he felt an urge to just want to kill me I think coz im such hard work.
I hate being left even for short times some days. Most days im ok and can get through if he is just going to work, but if he wants to play golf or go out for the night with his mates or anything that could lead to him not coming back or meeting somebody better I get into a right state to the point im hyperventalating, being sick, screaming, cant talk, throat tight, sweating like you wouldnt believe, begging him not to go, asking all sorts of questions, and being totally irrational.
If he ever does get away I start bombarding him with texts and phone calls and drive him round the bend. Then when I realise ive annoyed him I text him and phone him trying to make it better, and end up making it worse and so it goes on. I cant seem to put my phone down if he is out, even on a day to day basis at work, I text and phone more than 10 times a day, just to check everything is ok, sometimes just to hear his voice and have company and not for any real reason other than that.
This is totally ruining my life, Ive been in tears all day today and cant face even coming into chat and pretending to be ok.
Please help me if you can. Does anybody else do this kind of thing, does anybody else panic when partners are away or want to do things on their own, does anybody freak out being alone and feel the need to phone or talk to someone, or any other irrational behaviours.
Has anybody been like this and gotten better, any tips on how to go about being ok in my own company and feeling safe?
Any help at all would be great.

Thank you so much
fiona.

[Cathy V]

Hi fiona, sorry you're having such a stressful time with this and i have to say that i dont think ive ever felt this in this extreme way before. I was a bit like it many years ago in my 20's wheni found out that my hushand was seeing another woman...that freaked me out and i was always checking up on him then, but there was areason for it. Has anything happened to make you feel like this with him, or seperation anxiety in childhood or something. I'm assuming you're quite young? Sorry i dont have any answers but just trying to see what may have triggered this behaviour for you.

Best wishes
cathy xxx

[gers]

Hi Cathy V

Thanks for your reply. Yes ive had both actually, childhood separation and my last partner was violent, cheated and often went missing for days on end and he just played games all the time with me. In childhood, I spend the first full year of life in hospital and then up until I was 4 years old in and out for long spells, I was often left with an aunt, who had a son I hated and who bullied me terribly because of my illness as a child. I remember I used to cry and cry for my mum to come back, id lock myself in her bathroom just to try and keep away from my cousin and often felt so alone and abandoned.
I know where this is stemming from and I just cant seem to do anything to help myself.
As much as I say "things will be fine", when it comes to the crunch I crumble to bits and start clock watching and phoning, texting, worrying, imagination runs riot, then the panic stricken behaviours kick in. Its not a life at all being this way for me or my partner.

Fiona

[marie1974]

hi fiona i just wanted to say have u tried therapy only i have cbt and it the best thing i ever did. i have it privately and ive had 6 sessions so far but it really helps u to understand why u do things and how yo change yr way of thinking, also makes u maore confident. if u r totally honest with them they really help u hugs xxxxxx

[gers]

Hi donna

This may sound really stupid, but is the only treatment available as CBT the tapping technique, coz I got shown this once and to be honest it didnt help very much at all. Or are there other treatments that come under cbt??

Fiona

[marie1974]

not sure wot u mean by tapping technique, cognitive behaviour therapy is wot i have talking and exercises to realise why we do stuff and to change out way of thinking and become more confident, its really helped me to not be so worried about what people think of me all time, to like my self more and be confident. im sure it would help u loads xx

[Cathy V]

Well theres certainly alot of triggers for you with this, and as i said before im prob not much help to you. Im assuming youve tried therapy for it? if not some of the other members on here would be able to talk to you about CBT and the like which might help with this problem for you. Also theres alot of discussion about hypnotherapy lately between members and what it can do to help. You might be intersted to read a post by '4u4life' who is a qualified hypnotherapist and he explains the thought process behind alot of anxious and obsessive behaviour, its a good read.

Hope this helps a bit, but keep posting coz someone is sure to have had the same experiences you have ok?

Cathy V xxx :flowers:

[gers]

That sounds good Donna. Much better than tapping. I think if i remember right, it was EFT, and you tap on certain parts of your body whilst saying a statement to yourself.
If I wait to see a phychologist in my area it will take 2 years on waiting list. I cant wait that long, Il have done something drastic by then.

[gers]

thanks Cathy v, I will keep searching for help, and I will look up that post. thanks.xx

[marie1974]

oh blimey tats a long time if u go private like i do its around 30-40pound per week which is alot and i struggle but i need to have it. i know some charitys do it too if u look in yr area and they charge a small fee. feel free to pm me anytime hugs xx

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi fiona, yes i am also suffering from this right now, not quite as bad as you are becasue im now recovering after having private therapy - i had to go on wednesday in an emergancy becasue like you it puts alot of presure on relationships and leaves you feeling utterly alone? anyway you can recover:yesyes: thats the good news1 the bad news is it isnt easy:weep: but actually when you get your head around it its easier than living how you are now?

mine is rooted in my close relationship with my mum - we were on our own me and my 2 sisters and her and me being the youngest i seem to have been as much a comfort to her as she was to me - you know maybe she wasnt being the best mum she could have been because she let me skive off schol weekly:ohmy: anyway she dies 15 years ago and since i had my own daughter ive struggled with agoraphobia - which is not only about not being able to go out, being afraid to be on your own is part of it for some ppl and is a major part of it for others, like you and me. did this develop over time? were you agoraphobic before you became monophobic? did you use other ppl as a way to calm down when you felt bad? or is this soley about your boyfreind abondoning you? one thing to say is that this phobia is not you!!!! but your boyfrind may not be able to know that? he isnt feeling all the horrible fear and panic sensations that you are so he will just see someone being 'crazy' and irrational, and im sure you can understand that because you feel crazy and irrational yourself? and theis behaviour isnt normal but its only the same as any phobia - so having a fear of anything that cant hurt you isnt really normal behaviour and you dont want to be like this do you? so when he goes away from you you have to learn to deal with your fear/panic response alone - this is wha tive been working on since last year, with some good results:yesyes: i feel alot better in myself now and you will too, liek my therapsit said to me on wednesday the worse you feel about doing the exposure - the worse it makes you feel, the greater the results - once youve gone through feeling soooo bad you will feel like you have achieved soooo much. it is only the same as being afraid to go out, except it usually has no end, you cant schedule to be alone its going to happen everyday! ans yes i struggle more if my husband is doing other things and not actually at work - and to be fair to my husband he has given into me and given up on lots and lots of things - but as mean as it seems for you boyfrind to go and leave you to do leisure things he is actually doing you the biggest favout he could - becasue he is forcing you to face this irrational fear that cannot harm you and also he is maintaining a socail life which when you ar recovered you will be glad of - my husbands friends are now his brothers friends and he hardly ever sees them - one example is my husband went to manchester about 3 weeks ago for a works meal, my neice came here and stayed over, which beleive it or not is progress for me to actually 'let' him go! but then last week he got asked to go again this time by his brother and some of their freinds - he didnt go because we had been falling out about all of this and also because he came in from work a bit late rthan normal, they were going on the train which meant it would be harder for me to cope with and basically im sure that if id encouraged it he would have loved to have gone. so this is how it is for us, really really diffficult, because he will sulk and 'punish' me by not being my 'friend'. so really if your other half goes out think although that is extremely difficult for you to cope with it is the best thing? me and my husband are at braking point right now but i do think it will be a real shame if monophobia splits us up alhtough it is destroying what we once had:weep:

btw cbt is not eft - eft is supposed to work from wha tive heard - the national phobics society and nopanic use it so i think it must work? cbt is cognitive behavioural therapy - so you change the way you think, but you must expose yourself too - i think with monophobia you are forced everyday to expose yourself to being alone so you only have to work on your thoughts? this is very hard as whatever you are telling yourslef is going to happen has become a big ingrained habit for you - i can assure you though the only way to get better is to do it!!!! i am doing it right now and although hard it isnt as hard as you might imagine, because as i said living like this is hard itslef isnt it? tc and if you wna tot discuss this further privately anytime feel freet o pm me? emma:hugs: