Crying.

[noonoo]

I've been crying non stop ever since I got up this morning at 9:30am (when my alarm goes off) until now, 1pm in the afternoon.

I cried so hard last night out of the blue. I sat at the bottom of the stairs in this empty quiet house wondering why I was even crying. Recently I have been trying to get to the bottom of what's been causing my depression/anxiety, and the only thing that ever comes to mind is loneylness. I'd only just come back from having a chat with my next door neighbour aswell.

This past week (with the help of a friend giving advice, which has been good to have might I add) i've gone out and about, trying to enjoy myself. But there are always times in the day where I wish someone was with me to chat to and laugh with. It gets SO hard to deal with sometimes when I see people laughing together etc wishing it was me. I'm just sick of doing anything and everything on my own all the time and i'm only 20. Most weekends I want to go out but there's never anyone about to do anything with so I sit at home.

I feel like I ruin everything, like i'm a worthless person that nobody likes to be around, that nobody ever takes seriously, that i'm just a nobody. I constantly feel like i'm being annoying and I even get on my own nerves, and I always have to apologise to people for it just in case. I like talking a lot, especially at the moment.

I was talking to my grandma yesterday I think it was and she said I seem to be doing okay considering, but still i'm fighting the same battles everyday. Why is it always me that's left alone? Why am I always the one to be let down and shut out? I don't understand.

The only way i'm trying to make myself feel better is to help people when i'm out & about. My confidence has gone to an all time high to be honest. Like the other day I was in Wilkinsons looking for a card and an elderly couple were at the other end of the rack and I kept overhearing her say "can you see any sister cards anywhere" and then kept looking and looking until I saw them for myself, so I walked up to her and showed her where they were and she said "thankyou so much, you know you've just saved me from two hours of looking". It just makes me feel like maybe I do have a bit of 'worth'.

I'm really upset right now that I feel like this all the time. All I want right now is for someone to hug me tight and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy.

:weep:

xxxxxxx

[Horse]

Noonoo,

Crying is a natural outlet of our emotions. Because you are conditioned to your loneliness and your feelings of low self esteem, everyday is a struggle for you, but everyday you carry on. Anxiety will always hit us where it is going to hurt most.

There is never anyone home when we call them.
If we send a text, there is no reply.
There is never anything on TV if we try to relieve our boredom.
There is probably a hundred things to do, but we just aren't interested.
Etc.

So, it becomes a vicious circle. Inevitably, we blame ourselves. We psychologically beat ourselves with thoughts that no one wants us or likes us, we look in the mirror and see someone we don't like anymore etc. In the end, it snowballs!

We do fight battles everyday. Some we will win but most we will lose. But the ones we lose we can learn from, difficult to explain and put into words though.

There are times when all I do of a night is wander from one room to another. Looking out the windows. Turn the TV on then off again. All I can say is, 'Thank God for the Internet'. I know it seems that sometimes we are the only person in the world. The fact that you are trying to help others when you go out is good. We are very caring and considerate people and there is never enough compassion in the world. You have proven you have this, so there's ONE excellant reason you to be glad at least!

What is your family situation?

Kevin.

[noonoo]

I live with my mum and dad (who are coming home from a 2 week holiday in France today), and my sister lives with her fiance.

xxxxx

[Horse]

I myy be wrong, but could your 'current' episode of loneliness be associated with the fact that Mum and Dad have been away for 2 weeks? There has not been the usual noises and coming and going of anyone else in the house.

Two weeks ago, my brother and his familly left after staying with me for three weeks. The silence was unbearable and once again i was left alone which is still difficult to come to terms with.

I've got a feeling that once your parents are back home, then your level of loneliness will have decreased somewhat. It's not a solution to your overall loneliness, but it does help somewhat. Am I right?

[Tom_M]

Hi noonoo

Depression changes the brain chemistry which takes at lease two weeks to reverse, so you can't usually just snap out of it. The good news is that 99% of all depressions are self-limiting which means they go on their own. You can however ask your doctor for some antidepressants to speed the process up.

However, you do get people who say that their depression won't go away, but if you are in a very negative situation, then you have to address that before you can expect the depression to lift.

Tom

[noonoo]

As nasty as this may sound, it's not them I want to see. I'm forever wanting my friends around me but it never happens. Even when my parents are here i'm always quiety pining for my friends because I feel lonely.

And when they're here, they have their ways of making me feel even more down in the dumps, they never say or do the right things and it makes things worse for me to cope with.

Sometimes I don't see any of my friends for 4-5 months and i'm not kidding one bit. One of them i've wanted to see now for oh, almost two years now but he's always off doing his own thing, travelling about. I miss past times with friends so much.

xxx

[marie1974]

hi noonoo sorry you feeling so down, mayb u could write down a few realistic goals you could set yourself about wot u want to do with yr life and a few dreams never hurt anyone either and then put them into practise, sometimes to much thinking time is the worst thing as it makes u feel 10 times worse and very negative, i know when i had depression i wanted to just be alone and was angry with everyone but i got out of it with a mixture of exercise which i still do now 7yrs on, keepin busy and trying to achieve my own goals i set myself and also it has made me much more positive and motivated and made some new friends now and 2 very close ones who are very genuine so u could do all this too, just think about u and not anyone else and focus on wot makes u happy and go for it, lifes to short to sit feeling so unhappy hugs to u xxx

[Horse]

Yes, I agree with the fact that your parents are not the ones that are going to help as far as you are concerned.

Your loneliness is in your heart and you need the people that you used to see in order to alleviate this feeling.

Why don't you post a message on the site for anyone of your age and living in your area to maybe make contact? It's worth a try. The worse that can happen is you'll stay the same, but think of the benefits if someone does contact you! What can you lose?

[milly jones]

horse that was just what i was thinking.

nmp friends are great cos they understand.

where u live noonoo?

ive made 3 special friends on nmp and we do plan to meet up when things feel right.

ive got other friends on nmp who live miles away and we msn

i have no real friends where i live

but nmp gives me the opportunity to feel wanted and needed

lots of hugs

milly xx

[noonoo]

I live in Peterborough of all places (Cambridgeshire) :meh:

xxx

[g28]

I understand exactly how you are feeling. Crying is something you can't control, even if you don't know exactly what you are crying about. But inside you usually do, in your case it is because you feel lonely (exactly the same as me).. But when you are around people you feel much better. I tend to talk to my friends instead of parents, but talking to parents is alot more useful as you do not know which friends are going to see you the whole way through.

Can I ask have you broken up with someone?
x

[noonoo]

No I haven't, i've never been out with anyone :lac: xxx