relationship question

[sandramick]

hi guys . i need some oppinions on my problem it not really anx or panic but will cause it !!. my other half has the chance to work away from home he earns fantastic money an is back for weekends but i hate him going an he nos this . he went last year for a month an it was horrible are relationship really suffered an my anx was sky high , when he finished he promised me he wouldnt go again . he told me last nite he could go again an it up to me . i am really upset that he even considering it when he nos how i feel about it . i dont no wot to do . would appreciate your views . am i being selfish ????

[Eva May]

Oh God what a position to be in. First of all you are not being selfish. I know how you feel, I recently posted about this kind of thing myself. The most my boyfriend has ever been away is a week and I hate it when he goes. Sometimes he talks about taking off places which would have him gone for weeks at a time and in that moment, I hate him for even thinking about it. Does your boyfriend know how extreme your anxiety is when he's gone? Could the two of you come to some sort of arrangement where he doesn't go for too long?

[sandramick]

thanks eva . i really dont no wot to do . last time he went i told him if he went again we wereover so why he doing this too me ( it for the money we really need it ) ino he loves me an he nos i love him too much to go but really need to make a stand . sorry i babbling !

[Matty H]

You're not selfish at all. You need to figure out exactly what it is about him leaving that causes the anxiety. Are you afraid he's not coming back? That he'll do something bad while he's gone? What is it? Once you figure it out it's important that you let him know exactly what's wrong and how you feel. He might not have any idea why you care so much about him leaving. Just knowing how you feel might be the difference between whether he even wants to go or not. After letting him know how you feel he might be able to calm your fears. Maybe then you could even reach a compromise and feel ok even when he's gone. Talking things out can make all the difference, and instead of hurting the relationship being apart for some time might help make your relationship even stronger. One time my girlfriend went on vacation for two weeks. I was really upset but I told her why, but I didn't try to keep her home or make her feel guilty for leaving. Instead we compromised and we found time to send each other e-mails telling each other about our day so we didn't feel too far apart. She showed me pictures of the resort she was at, etc. I'm not sure what kind of job he has but if you're able to keep some form of communication while he's gone maybe it'll make you feel a little better. At least talk, because if I hadn't said anything to my girlfriend we wouldn't have figured out a way to communicate while she was gone and we both would've been miserable. So give it a shot :)

Oh, and if he gets more money for traveling maybe he's doing it FOR you. So he can better provide for you.

[marie1974]

hiya wow thats a tough one but if it was me and my hubby i would say to him that you need him around more often and if he could do something where he doesnt have to work away then it would be much better for your relationship, id say i miss him too much and if its essential and u really need that money then ok but make sure he knows exactly how u feel hugs xxx

[sandramick]

thanxguys . this so tough matty i think the main worry is he will find someone else ( someone normal !). yerars ago he cheated on his wife an this always on the back of my mind . even though i think i can trust him !he nos exactley how i feel but think he feels obliged to go . i no i might react over the top but thatys who i am . kids r at there dads tonight an i cant decide wether to be here when he gets back or wether to disappear for the nite to show him how strong i feel . help me please i really dont want to loose him but shouldnt my feelings count

[chalky]

Hi Sandra,

Running away will only make things worse.
Is part of the problem that you feel safe and secure when he is close to home?
Does your "dis-ease" stem from feeling that you can't cope without him?
Is this a chance for you to stand up and support him in his career?
Sit down and talk to him about your worries.Honesty can strengthen a relationship.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[marie1974]

yes your feeling should count and i think u should at least tell him very honestly how u feel, also him cheating was in the past and doesnt mean to say that will happen again, to make a relationship work u really have to have trust and if u dont it wont work, ive seen it so often with people. have a good chat and see what happens, but i would be there when he getes back and try sort it and u can always go out after hugs xx

[Alabasterlyn]

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do think you have to not try and make a big argument about it all. He is a man, sorry no offence to the other men here, but quite often men seem to lack the emotion and empathy that women have and they just don't think things through before they open their mouths. If he doesn't have anxiety it's going to be hard for him to really understand how you feel when he is away.

I don't know if this is something that he has to do or something he has the choice of doing. My feelings if it were me would be that health comes before wealth and I wouldn't care how much my partner was offered to work away from home unless it was something he was unable to get out of. I've had a lot of times when my partner has had to go over to France or Germany for a few days, all unpaid too, and I've been a nervous wreck. However he had no choice other than walk out of his work, so I just had to go along with it.

If your partners was unfaithful to his ex wife then I can also see why that might worry you. However I think any man who wants to have an affair will find a way, whether they are working in the same place as you or hundreds of miles away. I remember reading in that Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars book where they say that you keep a man by letting him go as they are like elastic bands and they just ping back. Often if you try to force them to do something, even if it's something they would rather do, they will feel nagged at.

[sandramick]

im so scared now . just hsd big rowon phone . he thinks i being unreasonable . we r in love but i cant cope with this i dont no where to go or what to do

[amandaj]

sandra he needs to understand your really scared of being alone ,your not being unreasonable i understand completly i suffer with being on my own for a weekend when he goes fishing for it ,can you not come to a compromise can he just go for a week say and not 3 ?i can understand the feeling of him meeting someone else aswell but he wont are you more worred about that than being alone ? im exactly same as you anytime want to talk im here xx

[Lilith1980]

Hi Sandramick

I know that I used to get incredibly anxious when my boyfriend used to go away on business even for one evening. And I believe now that it all stemmed from my insecurities - my worries about me not being good enough for him, that he didnt actually love me and he'd find someone else because I wasn't good enough.

But since I have started to work on my self-esteem, and now I have a job I enjoy and things to focus on in my life, I am a lot more comfortable about it. I do miss him when he goes away for a few days but at the same time, its nice to have the place to myself and to be able to watch all the rubbish on TV that he wouldnt normally like watching!

A deal came up recently for him where he would have been working in London for a month. It didnt go through in the end but when he mentioned it, I didnt even flinch. That's not because I cant wait for him to go, but I realised that I am now a lot more comfortable with ME and therefore I dont fear being on my own so much because I like my own company - I always have done but my anxiety placed so many doubts in my mind about myself that it was like I was "lost" when I was on my own.

I can understand where you are coming from on this, you are not being selfish because this obviously affects you in a big way. What are your circumstances? Can you go out and meet friends? Or can you have them come round to you? Maybe you can actually plan what to do whilst he is away so you're not sat around on your own. You can take this chance to do some things you enjoy. Have a girly night with some DVDs and a takeaway or something? :hugs:

Jo xxxxx