Long time lurker - here's my story

[Emphyrio]

Hello,

I've known this website for quite some time now but thought I would post and introduce myself. First things first - I am a 25 year old guy, I have an undergrad degree, work in an investment bank with friendly colleagues, own a car, and will be going back to university this autumn for a master's degree. In February I came off my medication (fluoxetine) which I had been taking for over 4 years.

Three years ago I would have thought I've made excellent progress if I saw things as they are today, however I can't remember a time when I've felt more depressed/hopeless/unconfident...some of my feelings and thoughts are below - if you guys have any experiences/techniques for dealing with them I'd be very interested in hearing.

Ok...first things first - I have a general worry about upsetting or annoying people. This tends to prevent me driving much, especially on unfamiliar roads. I get worried when waiting at junctions in case I "hold up" or annoy those behind me, and feel agitated and worry in case I will pull out into traffic instead of waiting - just incase somebody was to beep or gesture in impatience. Same with entering roundabouts - if there is somebody behind I feel much more agitated than if the roads were quiet. I guess that I'm worried about people being angry/upset with me as I would take this to heart...some people can shrug off criticism/angry gestures/verbal abuse easily - however I would dwell on this and worry about it and try to avoid it in future. I haven't caused an accident (or come close to) before because of this - but I always worry that I'm somehow holding people up and thus I'm not relaxed at all - I try to avoid inconveniencing people wherever possible. I see old people going at 40mph on A-roads with a queue of traffic building up behind yet they seem to be fine with driving and can cope with other people showing signs of impatience...whereas I drive at the limit (or slightly above) yet I still worry that I'm holding somebody up when I'm going at 65mph on an A-road and there is a faster driver behind.

Secondly, I always seem to worry about irrational things and always think that the worst will happen. If I am going abroad - I worry in case I get drugs planted on me. If I get a haircut I worry in case I just decide to pull my head back suddenly and ruin my haircut. When I was at university and went trips, eg hillwalking, I worried in case some people shaved my eyebrows off as a prank or in case I soiled the bed. In all these cases I worry about the consequences of such actions (eg going to jail, being unable to go anywhere because of a messed up haircut, being embarrassed/stand out in a crowd). I used to worry about being sick in a public place (embarrassment) and as a result I felt nauseous when I went out places such as the cinema and restaurants, but thankfully I don't worry about this as much these days. I also had thoughts about hurting/attacking people or myself for no reason (I never did this - but I always had the worry that I might) which caused me distress (again, I always worried about possible consequences of actions.) This hasn't bothered me much recently but caused me great distress in the past and such thoughts have tended to come and go.

As well as the low confidence/low self esteem and other worries, when I think the worst will happen, and it doesn't - I always seem to drag myself back down by thinking "why are things going good for me - they shouldn't be" and then the worries such as those above come back...its a vicious circle. I don't know whether I should see about going back on fluoxetine as I've felt more depressed and unconfident since coming off it...does anyone here relate to the above, and have any more tips for improving self esteem and confidence?

Thanks for reading.

Pete

[pooh]

Hi Pete

and welcome along to NMP!! If I asked you...who is the person you speak to most in the day? Who would you say? I bet you wouldn't say yourself? But most likely that is exactly who you talk to the most. The first step to leading a more contented life is recognising and realising that you have to develop a really positive relationship with yourself. I bet there is no way you would have another person worrying so much without reassuring them and trying to make them feel better within themselves.

You've found a really good tool in NMP. Firstly, you won't feel alone and secondly, you can read about similar anxieties and follow up on hints and tips for self help, docs, medication etc. There is also a huge of support to be found from posting in the forums too, distraction in the games and a laugh or some immediate help in chat.

I'm sure it will assist you in your personal journey.

Pooh x

[thevoicewithinme]

Hello :smile: and welcome to NMP.

You will find lots of useful advice on here and will also meet people who truly understand how you are feeling.

Kaz x

[popsy]

Hi and welcome.
You so arent alone in all the experiences you have described, eveyones experiences of anxiety differ slightly but are mostly very similar!
Firstly, you arent going mad (and will not attacke people or yourself randomly!) , i used to be so worried about this, but there is NO LINK BETWEEN THE TWO ILLNESSES it helped me to realise (by talking to a psychistriat) that if i was going mad i wouldnt be worried about it as you proabably wouldnt even know!

Keep posting here, you will meet lots of people in the same boat and can offer help and support, its a great friendly place, you are never alone here.
Charlie xxx

[milly jones]

hi pete,

i so understand the feelings bout upsetting ppl and empathise totally hun

it really ruins my life

if u find the magic cure for raising self esteem pass it onto me pls

welcome to nmp

milly xx

[nomore]

I feel the same way, always worrying about upsetting someone or embarrassing myself. This actually got worse ever since I started having panic attacks and health anxiety. I think that this fear of embarrassment is also partly responsible for fuelling my anxiety. Sometimes I am even embarrassed when someone looks at me because I think that they can look right through me and actually "see" all my issues. Sounds stupid but I do feel like this sometimes.

You are definitely not alone!

I've found that when I am in one particular emotional state, I can easily overcome the fear of upsetting people or embarrassing my self. It's the state where you've had enough of a particular situation and have decided to act with conviction. The best way I can describe it is as borderline anger, but not the malicious type. When I am in this state, nothing is really bothering me, I feel good and I feel like I can overcome anything. It may sound ridiculous but when I feel like this I can actually notice a change in my posture, the way I walk and the way I talk. The unfortunate part is that I can't readily dip into this emotion, although I know it’s there.

[Lindalou64]

Hello Pete And Welcome..i Wish Ya Well.......linda

[kieranlord]

Hi Pete, I'm sure there's loads of support here for you!

[Lilith1980]

Hi Pete

Welcome to NMP :)

Jo xxxxx

[chalky]

Hi Pete,

Welcome to the Forum.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

You will get loads of support and advice here.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[Nibbles]

Hi Pete and :welcome:

You'll get loads of advice and support here while making new friends along the way.

Take care,

Mike :)

[Emphyrio]

Hello everyone, and thanks for the kind welcome :)

I originally was "Stormhawk" (I think anyway!) when I used this forum in the past...it was so long ago though so I'm not sure if I actually made any posts, and if I did I didn't make many.

Nomore...I like the idea of a state you can go into where any worries are fine and you can brush aside criticism - I would like this to be permanent though! Just wondering...when you have been in this state before..have you upset or annoyed somebody (actually instead of worrying in case you did) and were you able to shrug this off without taking it to heart?

One thing I do find helps (in small amounts that is) is exercise - I went to a Karate class tonight, and I'm glad I went instead of stayed at home...I used to lack the motivation and stay inside and play a computer game like "grand theft auto" whilst having a few beers by myself. Not the healthiest approach but I did prefer this to something more productive. Hopefully the exercise will help with endorphins...but I'll have to stay motivated...easier said than done.

[kellie]

Hiya Pete, welcome to nmp its lovely to have you here.
You have found a great site with lots of lovely understanding ppl who will give you lots of support/advice/reasurance. Hope to talk to you soon in chat.

take care.

kellie.xxxxxxxxxxxx