View Full Version : Having quite a bad time
I don't know where to start. I am very tearful feeling but the tears won't come. I had a therapy session yesterday that was really really painful and I am left with the feelings so intense. I want to self harm/worse. I had another therapy session today (different therapy....different therapist) where I was really really honest about my feelings towards the therapist (Oh shit I can't believe what I said) and people tell me it is/was the right thing to do, but it seems so painful and wrong. I explained myself really badly. I hate myself for being so honest, cos people always say honesty is the best policy but it just creates this monstrous feeling. I have freaked this poor woman out and that is not what I meant to do. I have been helped so greatly by a friend of mine who texted me supportive messges (if you read this, you know who you are and thank you so so much:hugs: ) but I feel I am letting her and others down by not moving on from this place.
I have been really pretty self destructive this week as it is. I stopped one of my meds five nights ago with a 'who gives a F?' attitude to the MHT. I know gradual withdrawal is recommended but I had to do it my way and to be honest, I haven't experienced anything other than headaches up til now but I think I would have felt this way anyway.
Then I realise, I am never going to get better as I am always going to be self destructive. I seem to be pre programmed to set off the detonator every time things are going ok.
I am stuffed. Life holds perpetual crap for me. I don't know how to get through the next day with this pain, never mind the next lifetime.
Happyone
Hi Happy:)
Got no words of wisdom just a big:hugs: for you
Kaz x x x:hugs:
Hi Happy:)
Sorry to hear things are bad at the moment x
Sometimes we feel we shock or hurt people with the things we feel but rest assured there are plenty feeling the same!! We mearly feel those things deeply and voice them where others may not.
Self destruct mode it is not - we just over analyise things which leads us to believe we are our own worst enemy.
Keep plugging away x
Sorry to hear things are difficult for you. I wouldn't worry about freaking out the therapist - if she is experienced she's probably seen it all and is has had people developing attachments to her in the past; I think it's quite common. Keep going, things will get better :hugs:
Hope you have a better day today and a better week. Maybe if you continue to write on NMP about how you feel, you'll feel better too.
:flowers::bighug:
Under~The~Stars
13-06-08, 10:10
Hi sweetheart :hugs:
Firstly, I want to give you loads of :hugs: from me. And secondly, you are not letting anyone down ok! Feelings are feelings... no-one can expect you to feel or act in a certain way. Obviously, I want you to feel better, but I can't make you (I wish I could :hugs: ). For what is going on for you right now, how you are feeling is how I would expect you to be feeling. As I said before if you were happy or coping very very well with it, I would be very surprised! Please don't beat yourself up for the way you are feeling, and don't try and be what you think people want you to be. I know that you did the right thing by telling your therapist how you feel - honesty really is the best policy. Now, you can work through those feelings. Trust me hunny, you would feel so much worse if therapy ended and you hadn't talked about it or been honest. At least now she knows eh? I expect she probably knew anyway, and I'm sure she will have a lot more respect for you and she will know she has done her job right for you to have the courage to tell her exactly how you feel. I, for one, am very proud of you! :hugs:
These last couple of weeks have been a real test for you, it's been very difficult. Remember the news of your therapist leaving won't have properly sunk in yet. You're on an emotional rollercoaster right now, but that is normal hunny :hugs: You have come through much worse than this, although I do understand it is hard to see that, and when you feel bad you feel bad regardless of how bad it is, it's not a competition, and feelings are feelings right?
I just want to say that I really appreciate you trusting me, that means so much to me. And let's face it, attachment issues are my strong point - so you know that I do understand :hugs: Not only are we friends on here, but we're friends in real life, you are a lovely person, who at this moment in time is struggling, and I'll do whatever I can to be there for you. It's what friends do.
I can hear how anxious you are about this whole thing, and it upsets me that there is only so much I can do to help. But I know that even though you feel this way right now, it won't last forever, feelings change all the time. And each time you feel down, just remember a good time is just round the corner, as good AND bad are ineviteable. And once you pick yourself back up (with the help of the people who care about you) you get an extra bit of strength each time. It's like when you plant a seed - you water it, just little bits at a time, and then the seed grows, it gets stronger everyday. You're the seed :flowers: Take each day as it comes, try not to overload yourself, and stay in the present and recognise the things that you do have and are going to have, rather than what you're not going to have.
Lastly, I've said it before a while ago to you, but I'll say it again. People come and go in your life, but some people leave a footprint in your heart. They'll be with you wherever you go :hugs:
One step at a time, keep fighting - you've come way too far to give up now. Through the good times and the bad hun :hugs:
Your friend always,
Lou xx
milly jones
13-06-08, 11:38
happy one
please accept hugs from me too
i know how difficult it is when u depend on and trust a therapist
u can move on hun, given time and patience and the love of your friends, who u clearly have on nmp
all my love
milly xx
Thank you everyone.
Denise, I know what you mean about other people feeling things but we just voice them where they do not. That is my trouble, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have to speak up. I really don't think I did the right thing on this occassion.
Thanks kazzie, Jo. :hugs:
Lou hunny, you are a great friend and I am very glad of the day our paths crossed. :hugs: You say lovely things and I know you know where I am coming from. I know honesty is supposed to be the best policy but I am really hating myself for this one. I don't think she will have respect for me, I think she will be bloody terrified to go to next weeks group. I should have thought it out more. The annoying thing is though, I could place money on the other group members saying the same thing, in fact, one of them said to me as we were leaving almost that. So why is always me who makes an ass of myself?
I am going out just now, so I will leave it there. But thank you. Milly, it is hard isn't it?
I get so scared when I am like this as it feels I am on the edge ready to fall.
Happyone
xx
Under~The~Stars
13-06-08, 21:44
Hey hunny :hugs:
How are you feeling tonight?
A couple of things stood out for me...
I should have thought it out more.
In this case, I have to disagree. Normally, yes, thinking it out is good, but on this occasion I'm absolutely sure that you did the right thing. If you had thought it out more, you may not have been honest with her as you would maybe have just said what you think she would want to hear :shrug: You were honest, that is the main thing. Not only will it allow you to work through how you are feeling with her, but it is giving you a stepping stone to move on.
The annoying thing is though, I could place money on the other group members saying the same thing, in fact, one of them said to me as we were leaving almost that. So why is always me who makes an ass of myself?
That to me says that you're strong! You had the courage to speak up, that shows great strength hun. For example, it's like children in a school (bear with me on this one!) A teacher is trying to teach the whole class, yet loads of students are not understanding it. Only one student puts their hand up and asks the teacher to explain it further as they don't understand, and suddenly a lot of the other children are then admitting that they didn't understand it either, but they were too scared to put their hand up... If that one child didn't put their hand up, the class would be no further forward. That child had strength and confidence. So do you :flowers: So, what I'm trying to say is you have spoken up and voiced what the others were possibly thinking, and you can now work through it. Whereas, if the child hadn't put their hand up, it would have caused a whole lot of bother... I'm not very good at explaining it, I hope you get the gist of it though.
You're a very strong person hun, and that's what will get you through this :hugs:
Have a good night, sleep well :flowers:
Lou xx
Special hugs Pegasus. :hugs:
Love Piglet :flowers:
hiya
i dont have a lot to say realy but sounds to me like it is a good thing talking in your therapy it will get it all out and that is what it is there for realy keep going and i am sure in the end it will do you some good they are there to help you and try get you on the right track
i hope today you are feeling better
big:hugs:
jodie xx
Thanks Lou, Piglet and Jodie:hugs:
I am not feeling too hot. The therapy thing is part of it, but I am now feeling the effects of stopping my mood stabilisers. However, I am going to assume it is a side effect. I am sick of being a victim of social control. I have been chemically lobotomised by my drugs and I don't want it any longer. I have only been off them for 6 days and yes, in part it is unpleasant, but there is another side to it. Yesterday I did the first drawing and painting from my own creation that I have done for a long time and I liked it! Everything else I have done while on my most recent drug cocktail has been someone elses idea, or copied from somewhere. My creativity was gone. It is coming back.
Happyone
xx
Under~The~Stars
14-06-08, 17:49
Hi hunny :hugs:
Firstly, I'm a little confused... does anyone know you have stopped your tablets? If not, maybe you should mention it, just to get an extra bit of support with coming off them. I hear that you've made up your mind to stop them, so that is not in question, but maybe you should let someone know?
In my honest opinion, for what it's worth, I think you've done the right thing. I think stopping your tablets was maybe something you need to do to see where you are with things. If you need to take them again then you take them again, but giving yourself a chance to live without them and seeing how you get on, in my eyes, is not a bad thing. ALTHOUGH, I do think you could do with some support during the stopping of them.
Taking the decision is just more reinforcement of my statement that you are strong being true :hugs:
As you know hun, I'm not on any meds. But that is not the reason I'm saying to you that stopping is a good idea, I know you as a person, and we have spoken about this before, so I have my opinion of what I think would help. I don't see anything wrong with taking meds, likewise I don't see anything wrong with not taking them... I'm open minded when it comes to it really. You just need to do what is best for you :hugs:
Lou xx
Thanks Lou,
No, no one knows as they would only try to persuade me otherwise or Doc would use this crap feeling to persuade me to take something else and I would succumb cos he is always so pleasant and caring. I would walk away from an appointment with another precription for more mind numbing drugs.
I haven't stopped them all. I have only stopped my mood stabilisers and he said he didn't think they were working for me anyway. But his plan to come off was a staged withdrawal and to up my anti psychotics if I felt bad. I don't WANT to up my anti psychotics but I know he would persuade me. He is nice and caring, but he is a servant of the system....a system that wants to socially control people like me who are maybe a bit different or a bit odd or troubled.
I made the decision to stop my mood stabilisers first then have a bit of levelling out time, then I will stop my anti depressants, again have some levelling out time and lastly stop my anti psychotics. The last ones are going to be the hardest I think.
Happyone
xx
Under~The~Stars
15-06-08, 13:27
Hi hun :hugs:
Having thought about you stopping your meds, I haven't totally changed my mind in thinking it's a good idea, or a step forward, although, I'm a little concerned (more than a little if I'm honest!).
I'm concerned as you are doing this all on your own, without any support... this worries me. And I'm not sure at your reasoning behind it.
There is a part of me that thinks you are pressing the self destruct button... I want to be wrong. But just looking at what is going on for you right now, and how you're feeling, and then the attitude you had when you wanted to stop them. I just can't help thinking you're giving up... As I say I hope I'm wrong. And I'm only saying this as I care hun :hugs:
Yesterday I thought it was a step in the right direction. Today, having thought about it in more detail... I'm not so sure.
I care about you, and I'm just not sure this is the right thing to do at this moment in time. Maybe wait until things settle down a bit? Things are a bit stressful right now, and I can't help thinking stopping your meds will do you more harm than good just now.
You know that I'm honest with you. I'm honest because I care, you are my friend. I hope you take this in the way it was intended, and not as a criticism towards you.
Think about it hunny,
Lou xx
Lou hunny,
I have tried to answer this several times but had to keep on deleting. I don't know what to reply. I know you are honest hun and I appreciate it.:hugs:
I am sorry I cannot do the sensible thing but I know if I did, I would end up on more meds. Take today for example, if I was to say to the doc "I am feeling really really angry" he would automatically up my anti psychotics. he is a good person but he believes in altering the brains of all of his patients to make them 'good'. If I told hubby, he would go mad. If I told my mum, she would worry and tell hubby. If I told my friend (not you!) she would phone hubby and tell him. If I told the group therapist, she would tell the doc. I can't tell my one to one therapist as I don't see him for weeks. I can't tell anyone as they have got me all ways. No one would understand my reasoning behind my decision to stop as I have.
The meds are poisoning me and the longer I am on them, the harder it will be to come off. I am a victim of huge drug companies multi billion pound scam that brain washes patients and doctors into believing that these drugs are what you need. They are apparently not addictive, but your brain chemistry alters and becomes 'used' to its new chemistry, making it harder for you to adjust to life without them. Already, I feel I 'need' them. I believe I cannot sleep without them. I have, all my life, been terrified of being addicted to something, whether that be physically addicted or psychologically. I have never smoked, I have always tried to keep check on what I am drinking and always get concerned if I feel I am drinking too much.
I am fine hun. I may have to ride the storm, but I am ok.:hugs:
Happyone
xx
I feel a little like Lou hun.
I do understand your logic (kinda) but worry doing it this way is not perhaps the easiest or wisest.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Love Piglet :flowers:
I am really sorry to be worrying you. I will be fine. I know this is not the most sensible thing I am doing, but I cannot bring myself to do it the other way. I just feel too suspicious of docs and people around me. I know if I let someone know, things will kick off.
I don't know what else to write.
Happyone
xx
((((((((((((((((((Happyone)))))))))))))))))
Love Piglet :flowers:
Under~The~Stars
15-06-08, 18:59
I have sat and thought about what to say for a while, and I still don't know what to say. I am concerned hun, as I don't see what good can come from this. It will just cause you a lot more hassle. I do sort of see where you are coming from, but I just think this is the completely wrong time to make a decision as important as this one. I hope you realise this sooner, rather than later. I don't care about your psych, or your therapist, or your doc... I care about you. You're the important one here, and I'm worried. I can't put on a show and pretend that I'm not, and agree with everything you're saying as I'm your friend hunny, and I want what's best for you. This decision, I'm afraid, is not what I consider best for you.
I'm so sorry that I've been so blunt, and I've thought about deleting what I've said... or not replying, but I have to hun. I hope you understand.
I have nothing else to say, other than give you one of these :hugs: I can see you're struggling. If there is anything you need, or anything you think I can do, let me know. If you change your mind about all of this, or decide to let someone know, I'm more than happy to come with you for extra support - I don't have to come into the room with you, but I'll wait outside. If you think that would help, I'll do it. The offer is there hun.
Thinking of you :hugs:
Lou xx
Thanks piglet and Lou,
Lou hun, you really are a good friend and I wish I had never said the things I have said on here cos now I have made you worry.:hugs: I don't mind you being blunt hun, honesty is important.
Right, the situation is this. I have stopped my mood stabilisers for a week but I am still taking my anti depressants and the anti psychotics which have mood stabilising properties. My physical symptoms are gone. I had upset tum and headaches. They are done. I am now way too angry. Angrier than I have been in a long time. BUT I am pmt and I think the mood stabilisers have obviously helped me through this time. If I give it a few more days until my period comes, the anger should abate. IF it doesn't, I will phone my shrink, confess all and ask his advice on what to do next. The thing is, I don't know if I COULD just start taking them again at full dose so I can't really start taking them again without his advice. As for now, I am fine, I am safe and I will soon take meds and go to bed where I will be even safer.
I won't let this go on too long. Try not to worry about me.
Happyone
xxx
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Love Piglet :flowers:
honeybee3939
16-06-08, 16:25
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: For you Happy
Andrea
xxxxx
Hope things work out for you Happy :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
16-06-08, 17:43
Hey hunny :hugs:
Lou hun, you really are a good friend and I wish I had never said the things I have said on here cos now I have made you worry.:hugs:
Along with a friendship comes lots of other things... there's happiness, laughter (we certainly have a lot of that! :D ), sadness, care, worry etc etc etc. When you enter into a friendship, there's more than just that... It's like the small print at the bottom :D I got to know you hun, we became friends, and now when you're happy I feel your happiness and I try and share in that, and when your sad I feel your sadness and I want to help. It's a long way round to try and say that I care :hugs: Because I care, if I see you struggling I worry, like you have done with me, like other people have done with other people... it's just a fact that if you care, you're going to worry at some point if things aren't going so well :hugs: BUT, never ever apologise for what you say to me, I would much prefer to know what was going on, as if I didn't I would probably worry all the more (viscious circle eh?). I have more respect for you this way, and I think you have more respect for me too, by letting me in.
Take care hun,
Lou xx
Thanks everyone,
anger is dissapating but I still have a short fuse. I have had the shakes and twitches yesterday and today, but I am not sure if that is withdrawal or anxiety. I have been keeping myself busy though with work yesterday, art group this morning, planting out potatoes, leeks and tomato plants this afternoon.....so I can't be that bad!
Two positive sides to all of this, which I am sure is a direct result of stopping these meds, is
1. I feel a real creativity coming back. I have been producing sketches upon sketches of ideas. I have started a painting at my group. It is nowhere near finished as I think this is going to be one which takes me several weeks but I am sure already it is going to be my favourite one ever! Very abstract, and just 'me'.:)
2. I feel like my brain is my own. It is like there is a 'cleanliness' that wasn't there before.
Maybe I am talking a lot of tosh.:shrug:
happyone
xxx
milly jones
18-06-08, 15:06
hppy one
how are u doing?
not being nosy, just caring, honest
milly xx
Hiya Happyone,
By reading your messages, you seem to be feeling better in yourself .
I totally agree with you regarding the medication. I used to have to take afew for the same illness, I now only rely on one of those (which I feel is a must). I came off Risperdone, instructions from my doctor as I was feeling better and I've cut out Depakote (but on my own accord), similar to the same reasons as yourself.
I too have found my creative side again, I feel more alive. I believe Depakote helped me a great deal to begin with, but as time has gone by I've managed to get to know my illness better and how it affects me, and I feel that I have found alternative ways to cope. I have felt that I no longer need it as present.
I feel more free and more Me :), (other than the slight hipcup of the recent day to day events). So, whether or not it is the right thing to do :shrug: well,.. I believe that only you know and understand how you really feel. You know yourself more than anybody else, and so long as others around you are aware of this, I see no reason why you shouldn't.
In NO way am I saying that you shouldn't be taking your stablisers or that I support you with your decision, i'm just understanding where you are coming from and your reasons behind it. That decision is entirely up to you, and I certainly don't want to sway your view.
My bf and dad know that I no longer take them and they care alot and feel happy about it because it's what I feel is best for me. They obviously are aware that if I do ever become very ill again, that I should start taking them accordingly and they look out for signs.
xx
:flowers:
Thanks Milly and Katie:hugs:
milly, I would never think you were being nosy!
Katie, it is nice you know where I am coming from. I realise I haven't done things in the best fashion. At the moment I am re evaluating whether or not to stop the rest of mine as that might just be a step too far just now. I just don't know what to do.
Happyone
xx
Happyone,
From what you've said Re: Cutting the med's out completely, I totally agree, it's probably not a good idea. Becasue as far as I can remember you have just been taking them for a short while. I was taking my stabalisers for afew years before I cut down, I then reduced 250mg at a time. I started with 2000mg and gradually cut down as and when I felt ok to, every couple of months.
Never completely stop any medications altogether without weaning yourself down, if this is what you do decide, as this can be quite dangerous, especially if you're on a high dosage.
See how you are and try not to rush things, take a step at a time.
Glad to hear you're feeling alittle better in yourself. Take good care Happyone.
:flowers: xx
It's lovely to hear that your art is giving you such pleasure hun - I can totally identify with that! :yesyes: :hugs:
Love Piglet :flowers:
Southern_Belle
19-06-08, 20:29
Hi HappyOne,
I do hope you are feeling better. If you want my advice I will give it, until then please know I'm sending many hugs and you are in my thoughts.
Love,
Laura
Thanks Katie, piglet and Laura :hugs:
Laura hun, advice from you is never unwanted:hugs:
Happyone
xxx
Southern_Belle
20-06-08, 02:11
:bighug1: HappyOne,
This is what I think for what it is worth. I know you have always been against medication. I personally know from experience that because I am on medication for my OCD and anxiety I now find it hard to cry and am sort of emotionless at movies and such. Not quite a robot but I am never really very very happy nor very really really sad, sort of on an even keel all the time. Anyways one day I decided I need to be either very happy or sad and decided to go off my meds. Chaos returned. The constant cleaning, the worrying about everyone and everything to where I could not lead any type of a normal life. Even on meds it is difficult. I was even weaned off of my meds by a doctor slowly. I think that we sometimes forget how we were before the meds and I think you are doing that. This is what is worrying me. Not that you were a bad person just that you weren't happy. You were scared to be around your children alone, perhaps you have forgotten some of these things. If you do want to continue to go off your meds it is indeed entirely your choice but please do it with a doctor's knowledge. I only say these things because I truly care what happens to you. Plus, I have been through it myself. I know that many have been able to go off their meds but I don't think you are one who should go on and off without a doctor's care, I know I should not either.
Take care of yourself and know I care so very much.
Love and many hugs,
Laura
Laura,
your reply made me feel quite emotional but that is not a bad thing. You are right in everything you say and I always appreciate your honesty and care:hugs:
I am so very very confused just now and really don't know what to do.
I am never really very very happy nor very really really sad, sort of on an even keel all the time.
I can relate to this in a way. It is not that I feel like a robot, but I feel that my emotions are false. I remember feeling like this when I had post natal depression and my granny died. I felt very little and was emotionally untouched at her funeral. Or in terms of sadness at least. In fact, I was rather high on that day. Those particular meds have a side effect of making people elated.
I have such trouble accepting diagnoses of bipolar. It isn't just that I don't want it. I think if I could believe it then I would probably be ok about the meds.
I think that we sometimes forget how we were before the meds and I think you are doing that. I suppose I do to a degree. I remember them but with a kind of past dream type feeling. Like it wasn't really real. I do remember feeling scared to be around my children but I do wonder how much of this was plain anxiety. I just don't know. I try reminding myself of all the bad things to try to stop me following this path. Things like being in hospital, being threatened with hospital, having people watch me take my meds, having my meds restriced due safety factors, screaming at my kids, hitting my daughter, worrying everyone around me, not earning any money cos I had exhausted sick pay the list is endless. WHY this does not stop me in my tracks I do not know. Selfishness I suppose. Even though it all happened though, it does not feel real. I remember it with a detatched air.
I don't know why I feel I have to take the path I have. My mind changes all the time. I stopped my mood stabilisers and it seemed right at the time but I knew I was flying in the face of all sensibility.
I get weird ideas into my head about drug companies, I picture my meds poisoning me, I imagine dying early as a result of meds polluting my body or of an obesity related illness. I get very dark thoughts come into my head when I am not even feeling low
Yet, I know that what really underlies it all, is a self destructiveness. I think I knew it was going to hurt me mentally to come off those pills and that is why I wanted to do it. It is me reverting to the mental self harm. For a while, I had reverted to childhood behaviour of physical self harm. This gave me satisfaction and a release of something. I am not sure what.....pain, confusion, frustration....I do not know. I think I know I need meds, or certainly at this time in my life, yet I want to come off them:shrug: I don't know if it is the fact that I feel I need them so much that I want to reject them? I have major probs with the idea of addiction and I am so scared to be addicted. Yet, I think I need to be more mentally well before dealing with this.....yet I cannot wait until then cos I don't know when that will be.
I think I will allow myself to go through life and never be truelly happy. I cannot see a way out of where I am. All I can see is me continuing and continuing to do the stuff I do with a powerlessness to stop it. I know it is irresponsible of me, I know I am master of my own destiny. Yet somehow it all feels all preordained.
I am rabbiting on a lot of tosh just now. Maybe indicative of my confusion. I really don't know what to do next. I have doc appt in two weeks. I am worried to tell him as I am really frightened to lose his support. He was willing to support me through a staged withdrawal and I told him I wanted to wait until a better time. I am genuinely worried about his reaction if I now confess to having started the withdrawal and then telling him how I went about it. That is like saying to him "I think I know better than you"
I don't know what to do next. Thank you for caring.
Happyone
xxx
There seem to be no easy answers to this one do there.
I do understand your view on medication hun mainly because my mum was stuck on valium for 30 years and I have no intention of following that route.
However .............. you knew there'd be a however didn't you. I'm just not sure doing it yourself like this is the bestest way.
You're still my mate Pegasus so here if you need me (did you change your mob recently cos someone did and I can't for the life of me remember who - if it was you will you send it me again incase I didn't do it).
Love Piglet :flowers:
Piglet, yes it was me who changed my mobile. I will send you my number in a bit:hugs: Thank you for kindness. I am getting rather weepy! Firstly at Laura's post, then yours!
I really and truelly do not know what to do for best or even if I could do that if I knew. My head is all over the place.
However .............. you knew there'd be a however didn't you. I'm just not sure doing it yourself like this is the bestest way. I know, I know. I really and truelly do......but that voice keeps nagging at me telling me I have to do it my way, or that the doc is trying to con me onto even more pills, or even that I know I need them but don't want them, or that I am addicted, so doing it through the doc won't work cos he will obviously try to persuade me to stay on them. And it is like a voice, although it is not audible (I am not hearing things!) which I have had on and off saying different things, for some time, but I am mostly able to ignore it.
Indecision is basically making me do nowt. I do feel ok for the mo. A bit flaky maybe, a bit short fused, a bit obsessive (not painting a very 'ok' picture am I??? LOL!) but generally ok. I have none of the racing thoughts, super strength anx, fear or all round crazy feelings that I have had when ill before. I have no plans for just now to stop any other meds.
Thank you for being a pal hun:hugs: If things got unmanageable, which I really don't think they will, I will contact team.
Happyone
xx
Thank you for being a pal hun:hugs: If things got unmanageable, which I really don't think they will, I will contact team.
Happyone
xx
Well that will do for me then mate. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Thanks for new number I have duly updated.:yesyes:
Love Piglet :flowers:
Southern_Belle
20-06-08, 22:12
:hugs: HappyOne:hugs: ,
I wish I was there with you. I think the loss of your therapist is not helping things at all don't you? Perhaps you feel like your thoughts are spinning around your head out of control and you don't know which path to take, believe me I've been there before. Do you ever record your thoughts to see if there is ever a pattern of thinking? Such as around your cycle and things like that and what you have eaten etc. I have food allergies and didn't know it and I swear some foods turned me into a wreck (not saying you are) but my point is other things could me effecting you. A diary of my day and moods and behavior and even what I ate and my sleeping patterns helped me immensely. It is just a thought.
As usual I think you are being way too hard on yourself. I think your doctor would understand all that you have said here but then again I don't know your doctor either. All I want for you is happiness but to me it seems far away from you right now and I think deep down you know why. I personally think it is because of a person in your life right now and that person is not you. I may be way off but it is just a feeling I have so I may be eating my words. If I can help in any way possible please let me know. I never want to upset you, just help.
Much love and many hugs,
Laura
Laura, you are very intuitive and caring and I am glad to call you a friend:D I wish you were here too! Although....I would get very attached to you and not want to let you go! LOL! If ever you are in UK, you are more than welcome here!:hugs:
Yes, loss of my therapist has a large bearing on what is going on but I made the decision to stop meds before I knew she was going. I thought about putting it off until she was gone so she didn't think it was to do with her; if she found out that is. The loss of her is going to be a big one but strangely enough, I am not quite as worried as I thought I would be. There are times that I think of it, like last night in my bed for example and I want to cry, or I do cry. However, for most of the time, I actually don't feel too bad about it. I think when it gets nearer to the time, I will be very upset.
I have recorded my thoughts but they change and swirl so so much that I get giddy with it. I am, apparently, an ultra rapid cycler. Posting on here is my main outlet for posting my thoughts. My mood changes when approach to work is on, such as the day before. Once I get there I am fine but it does take up a day of worrying.
My doctor is very kind and I like him a lot. However, he has lost the rag at me a couple of times, each time over my irresponsibility with meds. He once said to me "I don't know how I can carry on treating you if all you do is lie to me and behave so deceitful over your medication" Another time he said to me "I don't believe you want to get better and I cannot help someone who doesn't want to help herself" so now I am worried that it will be the final straw. However, I think he is right. Why should he treat me with the way I behave? I also think I don't want to get better or I wouldn't continue in the way I am.
I think I know what you mean about a person in my life. There may be a lot there that is true. I cannot blame anyone else for my unhappiness but yes, it would be true to say I am not completely happy. I have tried to make things different, I have tried to instrument change but it doesn't work. This is not a situation I feel able to walk away from. However, I do feel it may be the chicken and egg thing. Am I unhappy with this person because I am unhappy? or am I unhappy because I am unhappy with this person? This person is not a bad person, in fact this person is a really good person. I do worry that it is my personality, that I just cannot be happy with what I have. I do not know why I should be like this.
If I were able to survive mentally on counting my blessings, I would be spiritually rich. Then this is where the self hatred comes in because I dislike myself intensely for not being happy as I have many many reasons to be so.
I got sent a lovely e mail once, I am not sure if it was from you. I shall have to look it out and forward it to you. It was lovely, and for a short while after receiving it, I was able to see how lucky I am.
Happyone
xxxx
Southern_Belle
21-06-08, 17:10
Dear HappyOne,
Loved the e-mail and I did not send it to you but wish I had. Yes, we are all blessed but should that make us happy all the time, I think not. My brother has a saying "Choose Happiness!" "Easier said than done" I tell him all the time. He actually says that to his children all the time when they fling a fit as we say here in the south. Sometimes it actually works!
I know that you know that I know what you are referring to as that person in your life, lol, what a sentence! I wouldn't walk away either as I have said to you in the past. Those things always have there ups and downs.
I know your childhood wasn't a picnic, neither is right now and sometimes I think you spend too much time over analyzing everything. Now I sound like I am saying the exact opposite of my other post when I said to write down everything, duh - Laura change your mind much? I know you probably only do it on here and if so that is a good thing. When off of here at NMP I would keep busy, busy, busy. That way you can't concentrate on it or you can at least try.
One of my best friends has been diagnosed borderline bi-polar and I really don't know the meds she is on but it is quite alot. From time to time she stops them cold turkey and takes quite a nose dive. I know when she does this as all communication stops from her. She goes in these deep depressions and can't even get out of bed, bathe, eat or anything. I ask and ask why she wants to stop the meds and her answer is always the same - "I just thought I would try it without them for awhile." When she is back on them she always regrets it and states she doesn't know why she did it and then she repeats the cycle over again. I think perhaps it is just a cycle of the bi-polarism. Is there such a word? She also had high blood pressure and does the same thing with those meds too.
Now as for me, with my fibro and hypothyroid brain I sometimes forget to take my thyroid meds and I start to have the mentality of a 2 yr old or less and then when I can't remember my children's names I get around to taking my meds, lol. It is different tho, not better or worse just different. As for your doctor, he is probably just frustrated and you have to take the chance of telling the truth so he can treat you properly. My doctors aren't too happy with me either. I am supposed to have been on osteoporosis meds for the last 5 yrs and haven't swallowed a pill yet. My last bone scan showed lots of bone loss and I still haven't taken a pill. They have said the same thing to me "Do you want to break some bones?" "Why no" I reply and yet my actions say Yes and yet I don't.
I have no idea where this post is going as I just took my thyroid meds so I don't have my thinking cap on yet, rofl.
Just know you are very dear to me and I'm here for you. I do hope some of this had made some sense to you, it was with the very best of intentions that I wrote it.
Love and many hugs,
Laura
Laura,
I always know you say what you say with care and best of intentions.:hugs:
I read something on the net the other day about people with bi polar and meds. I wish I could remember what the site was as I would like to have looked at it again. Basically it said something like , there is no other medical group of people like those with bi polar for stopping and starting their medication. It actually called it 'The Stop Start Syndrome' and is supposedly symptomatic of the illness. I fight so much against having it, then I come across something that stares me in the face and screams "THIS IS YOU!" Ho hum:whistles:
Yes, I am too analytical.:mad: I actually said that at therapy the other day. I think I could have a lifetime of therapy, and I still wouldn't be 'fixed'. At some point in my life, I am going to have to let it go, or at least find the definitive way to release all the stuff. I have often thought of writing a book, not necessarily for publishing, but as a way of compartmentalising all the stuff. By putting it into chapters and paragraphs, you know. I often think that might help to seperate it all and help make me less confused:shrug:
When I first started to receive therapy from the person who is now leaving, a lot of my demons came to the fore. It was a combination of her being there, me being ill and one of the people who helped create those demons dying. It was a catalyst. She continued to see me for a while, but the 1-1 therapy had to end due to circumstances beyond her or my control. She offered for me to be referred to someone else and I said 'no'
Over the past year, since that point, many many more demons have risen in my mind and memories locked away have found their way out. Now I am seeing another therapist on a one to one and exploring these with them. Since seeing this therapist, memories come back to me at the oddest of times. I am hoping that with this therapists help, I will be able to link why my memories are affecting my present, or if indeed they are. I believe he will then work with me to develop strategies for dealing with my 'behaviours' for want of a better word.
I really like him (actually........the attraction and attachment thing is going on!:blush: but....hey ho been here before....perfectly normal and all that!)
Actually, a funny wee story. I was going to see this therapist and I had a lovely summery top on. It was fairly low necked as, being on the heavy side now, I do feel my best attributes are up top! I was set to leave the house and I thought "OMG!....What if he realises I am attracted to him and he thinks my choice of top was in a bid to attract him back!" I was so embarrassed by the idea, I had to change my top to a more conservative one! LOL:blush:
I have no idea where this post is going as I just took my thyroid meds so I don't have my thinking cap on yet, rofl.
LOL hun! Sounds like me half an hour after taking mine! (the ones I am still taking!)
Thank you as always hun. I shall have to send you some of my other soppy e mails! I always forget to forward them to you, as your address is stored in my hotmail account and I rarely use that.
happyone
xxx
Southern_Belle
22-06-08, 22:23
Hi hun,
I think you just solved everthing in your last post!
A. Your therapy is bringing up issues from childhood.
B. Your condition is known to want to stop meds from time to time.
C. You are analytical and need to write a book like Patty Duke and become famous.
I am serious...You are a fantastic writer. All of the above is true. I seriously think these are all of the issues. What about you?
Love and hugs
Laura
p.s.
Loved the top story regarding your therapist, rofl. My biggest asset is my behind, lol.:blush:
Southern_Belle
23-06-08, 16:43
Hi HappyOne,
I just reread my last post and I hope I did not come across as flippant as I did not mean to. I do think we often have the answers within ourselves but sometimes do not realize it. You are a good writer and can go deeper within yourself more than anyone else I have ever known. Perhaps that is why you sometimes struggle. When you are done with this struggle though think of what you have accomplished! I, on the other hand, have never really dealt with my inner demons which believe me we all have. I have been to a psychotherapist but never really dug deep so to speak. You are so very brave.
Love and hugs,
Laura
Laura hun,
I did not think you were being flippant at all. I love your replies as you seem to just 'get' me. Yes, I do look very deeply into myself and situations. My mind swirls constantly with unanswered questions. I don't know how not to do this. I have done it since I was a little girl. I am always the one who sits on the fence with decisions or situations as I can see things from multi angles and no one answer seems ideal. As to whether I am brave or not, I do not know. I feel very far from brave at the moment.
I need my doc. I really need him. I know I do but I have not phoned as I am afraid to. I know I said I would but I cannot. I got as far as trying to phone today but hung up. I cannot believe how afraid I am. My temper and anger are spiralling and I am feeling angry more than not. It is a constant battle not to let it spill out; a battle I am not winning. I have been behaving very destructively to myself and others around me and I am genuinely afraid if I admit what I have done/ what I am doing/ what I am thinking, that contact with the MHT will take me to hospital or have them in my house day and night. I hate them near me. My husband has not been here so has not witnessed it all, although he did witness my ridiculous behaviour yesterday. I am deeply ashamed of the way I carried on.
I need to get past a family celebration on weds, then I will face up to what I have to do.
Happyone
xxx
Southern_Belle
23-06-08, 19:22
:hugs: HappyOne,
Your name says it all you want to be Happy. Doctors do intimidate us and you need to express to yours that if he continues to be so disapproving of your behaviors (that by the way, go along with your condition) it makes you unable to be truthful with him. Thereby, you may do harmful things to yourself and neither one of you want that to happen! If he continues to be so disapproving I would shop around for another doctor even though he has treated you for awhile as far as I know. They are not saints, human just like you and me. Do not put them above you okay? If they ever have to go into the hospital for one reason or another their backsides show from their hospital gowns just like everyone else! :shades:
As far as your anger goes I would guess it is partly due to going off your meds and perhaps anger turned inwards because you went off your meds and now you need to pay the piper. Never fun. You have alot to be angry at from your childhood already, please don't ever go off your meds by yourself again.
By the way, you are very brave. You have survived many ordeals that many would not. I hope you have a good night and get a good nights rest.
Love and hugs,
Laura :flowers:
If they ever have to go into the hospital for one reason or another their backsides show from their hospital gowns just like everyone else!
LOL! You have just planted a not very attractive image of my shrink with a hairy backside in a hospital gown! Thanks for that, that brought a real belly laugh to me! Much needed and appreciated! In fact, I think I found a piccie of him on the net
http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/mba/lowres/mban1148l.jpg
Happyone
xxx
Southern_Belle
24-06-08, 12:53
:lisa: me too!
Laura xxx
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