fear of losing love

[snowysdenuk]

Hi everyone,
I'm a young lad from Leeds who would like to know if anybody else has experienced what I'm feeling. I have had a history with Anxiety and OCD in the past but I seemed to shake that off and I though I was through with it. Recently I started a new job which along with the burden of university, is quite high pressure.
To cut to the chase, I have the girl of my dreams, she lives in Germany and I go to see her every 3 weeks. I have never loved anybody this much before - however - When I came back last time I was tired and i suddenly thought 'whaqt if i didnt love her' and I began ruminating, going over and over that thought. Guilt built up and over the next few days I started to feel really bad. I know these were intrusive thoughts but at the same time I felt so guilty, each time we spoke I felt as if I was hiding something from her. The position worsened and I slipped into a scenario whereby, in the course of a day, I would go through (and still do) 3 stages. When I wake up I feel like I have no feelings of love, just emptiness and confusion, kind of a numbness - the second stage is worry, guilt and panic (fearing that I wll do something stuipid and leave my girlfriend) and the third stage is a 'back to normal' feeling whereby I feel normal again and really releived that the negative feelings have gne away and disbelief that I had those thoughts in the first place.
I know I love her, if not why would i even want to fight this? the feelings are just scary sometimes and the numbness stage makes me worry that I will always feel this way.

[milly jones]

is it feeling scared by the commitment?

when i met my hb i 'tested' him over and over to see if he loved me.

i tried to push him away with rows to see if hed come back

i had to be sure that he really wanted me

i was really scared about opening up to him about my feelings

praps it may be similar, ur scared of the future and ur brain is thinking negative anx thoughts as a way of 'protecting' urself?

i dont know hun, just trying to help

millxx

[snowysdenuk]

Thanks Milly,

I don't think it is that. I have read other posts from people who seem to have exactly what I have got.

I really want everything to work with myself and my girlfriend. I know deep down how much I love her, I know I would be mortified if we seperated and I know that she loves me.

It feels like, internally, my true emotions have been sealed in a big box - I know they are there but I cant seem to access them (apart from time to time when they all come flooding back for a few hours).

It all sort of came on over night - It seems bizarre and irrational that a person can go from being madly in love to complete numbness in the space of a nights sleep.

When i go through the periods of numbness I panic because I don't want to loose my feelings for her, I know that I will never leave her, but the logical path of thinking is difficult when I'm in a state of anxious panic.

I wake up on a morning feeling anxious which tells me I have a condition and I feel that the emotional numbness is a way of my brain saying 'enough is enough, we'll have a rest now until you calm down'. According to the anxiety section on this site, that is the way that skewed emotional percetions are understood.

I reassure myself by telling myself that this condition will pass in time but sometimes it feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall.

[milly jones]

sorry i couldnt be of more help hun

mill x :blush:

[never2late]

I feel that the emotional numbness is a way of my brain saying 'enough is enough, we'll have a rest now until you calm down'.

Taking your above post comment into consideration I would advise the following:

*have a rest now until you calm down*

Seriously. It really could be THAT simple.

[Horse]

Don't take too much notice about how you feel when you wake up in the morning. I always refer to it as 'the twilight zone'. As discussed many times on this forum, the worst thing to do is to lie in bed thinking. Our thoughts are always a little fogged first thing........at least mine are!

I believe your anxiety is the culprit for your obsessional thoughts, don't forget, it always hits you where it will hurt most! You've also got the 'what if' syndrome by the sounds of it.

Try and just carry on remembering that you love her and all the thoughts in your head are purely a result of anxiety.

Anxiety has an evil way of making us believe what it wants us to believe and invariably, it will succeed!

I also think that when we are actually confronted with something that makes us happy, especially as far as a relationship is concerned, thanks to our anxiety we are unable to cope to a certain degree and have a tendency to not trust our true feelings.

From a personal point of view, I now live alone and as lonely as I get and as much as I would like to meet someone, to be perfectely honest the thought of someone wanting a relationship scares the hell out of me! But I know it's not me, it's just the anxiety making these thoughts enter my head! Another and most absurd thought I have is that being as I'm a skinny guy and suffer from all the anxiety symptoms and hate the way I look (as most of us sufferers do), I always think that anyone who fancies me must be a bit strange to begin with! A totally absurd thought (at least I hope so) but no more than than work of anxiety.

Just go with the flow and disregard your thoughts.

Take care.

Kevin.

[whitbywitchuk]

I am 48 now, I have had problems with 'change' and obselssional intrusive thoughts for years on and off, horrible I know.
Relationships are great but as a fellow sufferer they do upset my mind to a certain extent. Any change upsets my mind and triggers things off. Moving house is great at first then I will get wierd about 12 months later I have no idea why. I am super sensitive, maybe that is your problem too, too caring? Are you uncertain of the lady at all? I find myself uncertain of any new partner. I find I trust the hubby I am with now but it has taken a long time, look at my age :scared15:.
Maybe the numbness is a safety mechanism? I wouldn't take a blind bit of notice of it, think of it as a holiday from the rollercoaster of emotion we sufferers have. You can be sure your love will still be there, and if it isn't it was never meant to be.
Kevin I bet u is gorgeous :yesyes:
I was born in Leeds, been gone 8 years now.
Take care and good luck, I hope it leads to happiness for you.

Dawnx

[snowysdenuk]

Thanks for your help gus and girls,

I think that what I have is ROCS (relationship Obsessive compulsive dissorder) shortly after posting last time I read an article about it and it basically laid out on a plate the nature of my symptoms and put a label on them.

I suffered with OCD before but it was more violent thoughts, I managed to overcome that, it appears that now it has found another weakness in me and is trying to exploit that.

In my 'real' mind I have no doubts that my girlfirend is the girl of my dreams, she is cute, funny intelligent ambitious and loyal. She cares for me and this weekend we spent some valuable time together and I had long periods where all my 'normal feelings' were there. It seems to be when i 'raise the question' in my head, when the panic sets in and becomes hard to shake off.

I will keep trying to ignore the negative images. I would realy like to try CBT (cognative behaviour therapy) as a method of seeing the negative thoughts off. Whether or not it is available on the NHS for my condition is another matter though :)

[Franz]

I've experienced something similar to what you describe. It didn't involve romatic relationships, but my ability to relate to anyone at all. For a couple of years in my late teens I developed this obsession that I couldn't relate to people or feel anything for them, and I lost the ability to behave "naturally" with anyone. I'd literally be talking to someone and have to ask myself, "How do I relate to this person? How should I look at them?" and my behaviour became very odd. I'd stare at people and find myself completely unable to engage with them emotionally.

That particular obsession went away after a while, though I can't claim life suddenly became a bed of roses.

I panic about different things now, and before it gets too bad I try to remove myself to a solitary place, and sit meditating and breathing steadily for a few minutes. When bad thoughts come, which they do, I just acknowledge them but keep breathing steadily, reminding myself that I'm taking a break from feeling I have to "chase" them. It's not cured me, but it helps.

[whitbywitchuk]

Hi Snow


I think that what I have is ROCS (relationship Obsessive compulsive dissorder) shortly after posting last time I read an article about it and it basically laid out on a plate the nature of my symptoms and put a label on them.

Do you have a link I could read about that on please? I would be fascinated to see whether it fits mine or not :)

Cheers
Dawn

[Lolly25]

Hi,

I can completely understand your feelings, on and off over the last few months I have had these sorts of thoughts towards my boyfriend and almost all the time over an intense anxious period for about 3 weeks recently.

Ive realised lately though that it was an after thought, i.e. I felt stressed and anxious, and was searching for the reasons of that, i started thinking, well last time i had bad anxiety was when i was splitting up with my ex boyfriend. I started to doubt whether i truly loved my current boyfriend and maybe i had rushed into being with him, that was the reason i was anxious.

The trouble is that those thoughts made me feel more anxious and panicked. I too experienced this numbness towards him and i would feel sick and scared thats my love had disappeared over night. In bad times i would be looking at him and in my mind be saying 'I dont love you' over and over, to try and guage my reaction to it to see if i did love him.

Im sure this is a trust issue, i mean a trust in my self and my feelings, having a fear of having something so great and 'what if it all went wrong' its a bit of self protection. I used to call my boyf up in the middle of the night saying, im so scared im gonna break up with you and he would say 'then dont' and i would say 'what if i have to?' Its pretty scary,

but hang in there, these feelings will pass, i still have panicked flashes but i try and stay focused on all the good times we have together and remind myself that my ex wasnt right for me, that was why we broke up and that my new boyf is great for me and that is why we are together,

Hope that helps a little