emma81
13-06-08, 13:07
Hi everyone
I hope this isnt going to be too long but i have so much i want to 'get out'. I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia for about 3 years now which has gradually gotten worse over time. I'm now at a point where i can go about a 5 minute walk with my dogs but i'm pretty much housebound. I can no longer visit my friends or family who all only live a short distance away as i cannot stand being 'trapped' anywhere - even at my own mum's. I end up in a huge panic if i have to stay anywhere for more than 5 or 10 minutes the panic just mounts until i feel like im going to go crazy i just have to run away and get out of there. Same for shops, i wont go in them as i cant handle being in the queues.
Recently my dad had a heart attack and complications from it meant things got very serious for a while. He was in intensive care and for a few days things were looking very bleak like he might not pull through. The hospital was 1 hour away and there was no way i could go. My mum was really understanding but it kept making me think in those few days - omg this could be this last time i ever get a chance to see my dad and this stupid phobia has taken over my life. Thankfully he is now starting to recover.
Secondly i had my own health scare last week where i was getting agonizing pains in my calf muscle - i phoned nhs direct and because i smoke, am on the pill and dont take much exercise there was all this concern about a dvt in my leg... Go to the hospital for the blood test they kept saying and my local hospital is only 5 mins away by car but there was no way i could go. My fiance was going mad as at the time it all seemed very serious and he's shouting at me saying this could be something life threatening and i just couldnt go, kept saying it would be fine it wouldnt be a dvt. Well the pain is still there and im telling everyone its not just so i dont need to go.
I had a cpn who did cbt and exposure work with me but after a few weeks of exposure work i said i couldnt do it anymore - it terrified me. So now i have just got an appointment through to see a 'consultant neuropsychologist' for treatment but its not til the 4th of july and i need to go to her which im so scared of. Thankfully its only round the corner so i might be able to do it but im really scared that once i have been in there 5 mins i will need to keep leaving.
I have slowly come to realise over the past 3 years that there are so many different places, situations, etc i can say im scared of - but i know now it is none of these - i am scared of panicking and i will avoid any situation which i believe may trigger a panic attack. When i am in a calmer state of mind i know that a panic attack wont kill me, but when i am in the midst of a panic attack there is nothing anyone can say or do to make me believe it. For 3 long years i have learned that they happen any time any place with no warning and now im not just scared - i am absolutely terrified of them. My cpn took a lot of time to try and make me understand its just my body's reaction - fight or flight - she got me to stay in situations for 5 mins, 10 mins and so on to try and show me that the feelings of panic will start to subside after a while. I understand the theory of agoraphobia very well now - i just cant believe it when it is happening. I read about a lot of people here who feel ok when they are with a 'safe person' but i dont feel safe with anyone not even my fiance. I know he would never force me to do or stay somewhere i wanted to get away from, but actually i prefer to try and do things on my own where i am in full control and can listen to myself and my feelings - i can turn back when i want to and wont have anyone saying just try another few minutes etc...
I just feel so trapped in this existence and there are many days where i feel like ive had enough of it all. 18 months ago we set a date for our wedding for august 2nd this year - thinking that was loads of time for me to get better - last week we cancelled it all. Another thing just to remind me of how much of a mess i am. We lost our 1st baby to stillbirth last year and are desperate to try again but i just wont because right now i know i wouldnt be able to get to the hospital for scans, antenatal or anything :(
Sorry this post is so long i really just needed to get a lot of it out but if anyone has any words of wisdom it would be really appreciated.
P.S. I take citalopram but will not increase the dose even though my doctor wants me to because i have another phobia of medication. Also i have been given a low dose of diazepam to help me relax a little but i got them 3 months ago and still havent opened the packet because im convinced they will make me panic more.
I hope this isnt going to be too long but i have so much i want to 'get out'. I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia for about 3 years now which has gradually gotten worse over time. I'm now at a point where i can go about a 5 minute walk with my dogs but i'm pretty much housebound. I can no longer visit my friends or family who all only live a short distance away as i cannot stand being 'trapped' anywhere - even at my own mum's. I end up in a huge panic if i have to stay anywhere for more than 5 or 10 minutes the panic just mounts until i feel like im going to go crazy i just have to run away and get out of there. Same for shops, i wont go in them as i cant handle being in the queues.
Recently my dad had a heart attack and complications from it meant things got very serious for a while. He was in intensive care and for a few days things were looking very bleak like he might not pull through. The hospital was 1 hour away and there was no way i could go. My mum was really understanding but it kept making me think in those few days - omg this could be this last time i ever get a chance to see my dad and this stupid phobia has taken over my life. Thankfully he is now starting to recover.
Secondly i had my own health scare last week where i was getting agonizing pains in my calf muscle - i phoned nhs direct and because i smoke, am on the pill and dont take much exercise there was all this concern about a dvt in my leg... Go to the hospital for the blood test they kept saying and my local hospital is only 5 mins away by car but there was no way i could go. My fiance was going mad as at the time it all seemed very serious and he's shouting at me saying this could be something life threatening and i just couldnt go, kept saying it would be fine it wouldnt be a dvt. Well the pain is still there and im telling everyone its not just so i dont need to go.
I had a cpn who did cbt and exposure work with me but after a few weeks of exposure work i said i couldnt do it anymore - it terrified me. So now i have just got an appointment through to see a 'consultant neuropsychologist' for treatment but its not til the 4th of july and i need to go to her which im so scared of. Thankfully its only round the corner so i might be able to do it but im really scared that once i have been in there 5 mins i will need to keep leaving.
I have slowly come to realise over the past 3 years that there are so many different places, situations, etc i can say im scared of - but i know now it is none of these - i am scared of panicking and i will avoid any situation which i believe may trigger a panic attack. When i am in a calmer state of mind i know that a panic attack wont kill me, but when i am in the midst of a panic attack there is nothing anyone can say or do to make me believe it. For 3 long years i have learned that they happen any time any place with no warning and now im not just scared - i am absolutely terrified of them. My cpn took a lot of time to try and make me understand its just my body's reaction - fight or flight - she got me to stay in situations for 5 mins, 10 mins and so on to try and show me that the feelings of panic will start to subside after a while. I understand the theory of agoraphobia very well now - i just cant believe it when it is happening. I read about a lot of people here who feel ok when they are with a 'safe person' but i dont feel safe with anyone not even my fiance. I know he would never force me to do or stay somewhere i wanted to get away from, but actually i prefer to try and do things on my own where i am in full control and can listen to myself and my feelings - i can turn back when i want to and wont have anyone saying just try another few minutes etc...
I just feel so trapped in this existence and there are many days where i feel like ive had enough of it all. 18 months ago we set a date for our wedding for august 2nd this year - thinking that was loads of time for me to get better - last week we cancelled it all. Another thing just to remind me of how much of a mess i am. We lost our 1st baby to stillbirth last year and are desperate to try again but i just wont because right now i know i wouldnt be able to get to the hospital for scans, antenatal or anything :(
Sorry this post is so long i really just needed to get a lot of it out but if anyone has any words of wisdom it would be really appreciated.
P.S. I take citalopram but will not increase the dose even though my doctor wants me to because i have another phobia of medication. Also i have been given a low dose of diazepam to help me relax a little but i got them 3 months ago and still havent opened the packet because im convinced they will make me panic more.