My shell

[Bill]

My sister and I haven’t seen or spoken to each other for nearly 3 years since she emigrated while my father was ill and soon after we lost him. As my father used to say, whether she was here or abroad, it didn’t really matter because we still didn’t see her for long periods anyway.

I keep in touch with my sister via my mother but my mother tells me that my sister has never had any patience for my wifes illness so is afraid she’ll pick up the phone if she rang me.

My sister also suffers from anxiety and so a long while back I tried to talk to her about my anxieties. She just told me what I should do without trying to understand how my anxiety affected me. Her lack of patience showed through her unwillingness to even try to understand me. I just agreed with her as I knew what she said was right but I never talked to her about my anxieties again because her attitude towards me pushed me away.
Often people who don’t suffer from anxiety will tell us just to “get on with things” which to us we find impossible.

If someone is told they are wrong and that person knows they are wrong but can’t do what is right because of their anxieties, it doesn’t help them to overcome their fears because they will know the person doesn’t understand them so they will back away.

It’s a sad fact though that even someone with anxiety can fail to understand another persons anxiety because they have never suffered their particular anxiety. Also I feel there is black and white thinking which makes things either right or wrong with no grey areas in between which can lead to a subconscious unwillingness to try to understand the other side of the coin. These can lead to a lack of patience and frustration because they can’t think in the same way so can’t understand their reasoning. Often also because sufferers have been treated badly in the past, it can create mistrust and so combined with a lack of understanding can lead to conflict with other sufferers.

I feel to really help a sufferer, they need to feel understood and not made to feel they’re using their anxiety as just an excuse, being selfish or made to feel there’s nothing wrong with them. If I’ve never experienced someones anxiety I’ve always tried hard to understand them and not judge them because I feel a lack of patience and just telling them what they know is right can just reinforce their bad feelings about themselves and so make them retreat back into their lonely shell because they feel no one truly understands them which I feel would be unhelpful and very sad.

Although I can understand where lack of patience originates because previous experiences can harden us, I do feel that telling sufferers what they know to be true without any sense of understanding or compassion, will make them feel bad and retreat which can defeat the objective in trying to help.

I know that all anxiety sufferers “care” just like my sister and I care about each other but understanding and compassion built on patience can often help and support much more than harsh helpful words said without tact or a sense of empathy because sufferers need to feel understood or they will retreat to their safe lonely shell. I think like many though, my sister will never learn this but at least I have my shell.

I wish my father was still around to wish him a Happy Fathers Day because he understood me and my anxieties. Happy Fathers Day Dad wherever you are! As he used to say about his father, I hope one day when it’s my time, I’ll be with him again. I hope he found his.:hugs:

[Sax]

........................................
I wish my father was still around to wish him a Happy Fathers Day because he understood me and my anxieties. Happy Fathers Day Dad wherever you are! As he used to say about his father, I hope one day when it’s my time, I’ll be with him again. I hope he found his.:hugs:

Bill hun all i can say is i wish my father a happy fathers day too and empathize that you have lost yours and how others around you don't understand.
Please don't feel you are in a shell, remember this is a huge site with many on here who understand how you feel and although you feel alone you never are even if some of us can't speak to our families openly.

I got on better with my father than my mother and today is a day which brings this home however I think we have to live for the here and now and this is what they would wish.
TC Bill and I feel you have a lot to express, please keep writing i feel you need to get some things off your chest which you've held in for many years. xx

[milly jones]

hi bill

yet again u talk such sense

would really miss ur thought provoking threads

i have a real problem with this. lots of my nmp friends suffer health anxiety

i find it extremely hard to get my head round when they worry about their health. i do tell ppl this.

however, i hope i always show tolerance and empathy to their needs.

i would never just tell them to stop being stupid and get on with their life.

for me its the same with social anxiety and ppl thinking ur shy and cant make public speeches. im not shy and generally would revel in leading a training presentation at work.

what i cant do is look them in the faces and chit chat at the end, i cant prepare a script for that and would worry about what i said so much so i would pa. then i would worry about it all night going over again and again what id said to whom incase id upset someone.

(bet im the only one who saves chat sessions each day and re reads my comments, just in case, lol)

all of our anxieties lead to us becoming withdrawn from the world to protect ourselves.

i too have experienced from a family member, 'uve got a family to support, pull urself together'. this hurts so much cos the only thing i want in the world is to be normal.

ppl who have never experienced anx appear to not be able to understand but they should be able to support and empathise with us.

if we did have a 'real' illness the world would be falling over themselves to help, it so wrong.

we have enough trouble coping with the stigma of mental health without family and friends lack of support.

i am fighting retreating in to my shell at present. im not in work cos they dont understand. my partner either ignores the anx and gets on doing his own thing when i desperately want his help to get out, or gets so frustrated with me that i become more anx and withdrawn because of his anger, and consequently feel worse about myself.

understanding anxiety is never going to be easy.

but bills right we just need some empathy and acceptance that its an illness that can be overcome with support and tolerance.

i hope ill be there for all my mates no matter what their worries are, even if theres no answers, just to listen.

thanks for reading my thoughts

milly xx

[Horse]

Bill.

Just a quickie.

My belief is that we all meet up with our loved ones once we pass.

If not, then I ain't going!

Take care.

Kevin.

[Bill]

although you feel alone you never are

Sax,

I know what I say may have sound harsh but at the time of writing I was hurting more than usual. In truth I'm always hurting but at different degrees. I only forget it when I find some enjoyment in life.

I think every anxiety sufferer on here, deep down is a really Lovely person. Where there is conflict, it's normally because of peoples issues based on their past treatment by others and of course some personalities simply clash.

Sax, I don't just "feel" alone, I've actually "been" alone and had to cope alone all my married life without anyone to give me comfort. The support I had for myself, I lost when I lost my father. We never actually talked about my home life because I knew if I ever told either of my parents about my self harming, it would really upset them. Of course they knew about my overdoses because it was my father who came to collect me from the hospital but even in the car, he never asked me about it.

I know some people just can't understand why I did all the those things and why I'm still here but I guess we often have to be in a situation and have the same personality to truly understand, as my father did without me actually saying anything. He used to say "I'm sorry how your life has turned out" but he shouldn't have been because I know I only have myself to blame for trapping myself.

In truth I no longer want to attempt to open my cage door because then the flood gates would open and I couldn't live with my conscience. I know that's my weakness which alot of people can't understand. However, I did once feel I could but then I had my father around. When my wifes parents found out, they came round and grilled me but I had nowhere to go anyway. I've never forgiven them for how they treated me though because even my mother tells me that at the wedding they were actually relieved I took their burden from them. They didn't care about me, they simply didn't want their bureden back.

I also know though that my life could be much worse than it is so although I feel I'm living in a frying pan, the heat has reduced over the years as my wife has become more stable and I now feel the outside world is the fire and my conscience would burn me because I couldn't live with it.

Conscience a! or is that being too soft and too weak? Whatever people think of me, that's their choice but I'm the one who has to live with me. They can always walk away.

When I lost my father and I saw him for the last time in the chapel, I think my world shattered there and then because although I still have my mother, I lost the one person I had who supported me and understood me. I'll never forget the pain I felt in my chest and you're probably right Sax because that pain has never healed. I don't think it ever will though. Losing him amplified my feeling of being alone.

It was funny yesterday. My sister rang my mother because according to my mother she wanted to cheer her up as it would have been my parents anniversary as well as fathers day. It was also the dogs birthday! - 14. Anyway, my sister started bringing up the past, talking about memories of my father etc. My mother told her she had to go before she got too morbid! My mother joked that she felt ok before my sister rang but afterwards she felt really depressed!:D Lovely sister a! Of course she didn't enquire after me so I've still not had any direct contact with her for Ages! Mind you, at least she can't depress me!:D
Well, you have to laugh! I do anyway because often my insides what to cry. In fact I often cry because I'm alone before I go to sleep after the dawn chorus!:D

It's also funny to say that my mother often apologises for waffling on at me but I understand because she no longer has my father to talk to. I seem to waffle on here for the same reason. I can't talk to my wife because she'd never understand how I feel.

People often say we have to think of ourselves but I feel that's all I've ever done because I've had no choice. We never had any support from the "professionals" for years until I pushed for more help. I never got any support for my caring role or for my issues either. I just had to work out how to cope alone. It seems to be my role in life, coping alone.

Sorry. I know this sounds like a moaning post but as Sax says, maybe it'll help to get all this off my chest! A hug, love, sex, excitement! Hmm, what are they? It feels I've had so little over the years. This is why it bugs me when lovely people who give all a person could ever need are left simply because the green maybe better on the other side. They should try living in my situation.

I must admit I am having a lot of doubts as to whether I should be on here though. Even after this new thread, there were only 3 replies so would I really be That missed I wonder. Some may say so I guess. Others will probably be glad to see me go! Maybe I'll just ease up and add to others posts where I think I can be of help because I'll always enjoy helping people, especially lovely caring people like most on here.

Someone once said to me, you can't help others if you've still got unresolved issues of your own because those issues will always get in the way. I was very concerned about that before I joined here because I feared they maybe right and I actually now feel they were.

I was having a weird thought this evening. This'll get you going! Question - "When did Time begin"??? Think about it. It'll drive you bonkers trying to get your head round it because even if nothing exists, time never stops! I guess I was thinking about ourselves and our anxiety. When you think how long we're on this Earth, we're like specks of dust in Time. We worry about everything going on in our lives because it feels so important but in the greater scheme of things what we're worrying about today will be forgotten in a blink of an eye. I just felt it put a perspective on things. My father used to say "enjoy life because we're dead for a very long time". I wish I could enjoy life though!

I also had a thought about intrusive thoughts. If when we have an intrusive thought we step outside our bodies to look at ourselves, you can't see or hear the intrusive thought so it can't scare you so then why should thinking a thought stop us from doing something? We can't hear other peoples thoughts so why listen to ours? Anyway, I ignored another silly thought today by doing just that...I ignored it.

Oh well, I guess I've waffled long enough. I'm feeling very lost lately. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel I've lost all purpose in life other than to survive each day........and watch the footie! Ah, that's it....I'm missing the football season!:D Mind you, last season was just depressing too!:yellowcard:

Life a! Can't live with it but can't do without it! Like the song from Showboat...Ol' Man river...."tired of living but scared of dying, it just keeps flowing along"! or like the weather down here to day, it p...ses on you! That's life!:buttkick: (That's my favourite smilie!) I guess I just feel dead inside and not feeling I'm serving any purpose.

My mother often says she wouldn't know what she'd do without me. I don't know what I'd do without her because she gives me my only purpose I feel.

Sorry for making you drop off but it passed the time!:closedeyes:

[sheba2]

Dear Bill

I can't imagine coming on here and not reading yur thought provoking posts. Even though I haven't replied for ages I still really enjoy reading them. I now feel really guilty cos I just expected you to go on providing the comfort and support that you do so well and I just presumed that you had got your life together and were sorted about how you feel It just shows how wrong I can be. From your posts I realise that your life with your wife has not been easy and that you have cared for her for a long time. You also obviously really valued your relationship with your father and his death has left a huge gap in your life. When you talk aboout your mother I'm not sure how you feel whether she is someone else who you have to care for or whether it is a two way thing and you actually feel supported and cared for by her, or whether you are a little scared at the thought of losing her as then you would feel even more alone.

My father died two years ago and as time goes on I miss him more. We never appeared to have a really close relationship and in fact we clashed regularly but he understood me he loved me unconditionally and wanted to do all he could to make my life easier. Nobody else can ever fill that gap and probably I don't want them to.

I thnk you offer so much to this site and I would hate it if you didn't post so often. I feel that I have been very selfish just taking what you have offered and not understanding that you might need some encouragement and support too.

I send you warm thoughts and hugs you sound like such a lovely man.

[milly jones]

bill

please remember even if u dont feel like posting

im here to msn and email

promise ill get back to u

milly xxxx

ps i dont do football lol

[marie1974]

My father used to say "enjoy life because we're dead for a very long time". I wish I could enjoy life though!


you should take your fathers advice bill cos its good advice, years ago i sat around moaning and groaning and feeling like i had no life and angry at the world and felt just awful, but after a while i thought well i could just sit here wasting my life away moaning about it, but if i not happy i need to do something about it and i did, none of us are perfect but we have to make the best of life and be positive otherwise wots the point, so i dont moan about life anymore cos i dont need to, cos i changed the negatives. there is so much bad in this world and life is a struggle but we have to make the best of it.

[thevoicewithinme]

:hugs: I must admit I am having a lot of doubts as to whether I should be on here though. Even after this new thread, there were only 3 replies so would I really be That missed I wonder. Some may say so I guess. Others will probably be glad to see me go! Maybe I'll just ease up and add to others posts where I think I can be of help because I'll always enjoy helping people, especially lovely caring people like most on here.

Oh Bill :hugs: Please don't ever stop your wonderful thought provoking posts. I know I don't always reply to them, but I do always read them and you always make so much sense.

Reading this one though, I can see and feel how alone you are right now, and also how low you are, but please remember Bill, that I, like the others on here, are here for you and we would miss you so much if you no longer posted.

As Milly said, I too am only an email away and although we have never crossed yet on msn...I hope that one day we shall do, because Bill, I think you are a truly remarkable man.

Kaz xxxx

[Bill]

Thank you Kaz:hugs: ,

You also raised an important point in your pm. You said you would never want to be a burden to others. This is true of Alot people on here. I think when we're having a rough time, we retreat into our shell because we don't think it's fair to offload our troubles on others.

This is why I don't like to say how I really feel sometimes because I feel that if people think I'm low, it'll put them off asking me for help but I Enjoy helping people. I Enjoy listening to peoples problems. I Enjoy offering what I can to help them. I Don't want people to clam up because I came here to help.

I care about people and helping gives me purpose. I'd much rather get 5 emails asking for help than an empty mailbox because then I don't feel I'm needed or worth anything.

Of course I benefit from helping too because then I gain friends and I don't feel so alone so it's not just one way.:hugs:


Donna,

That's why I joined here because I wanted to help others and so help myself by making friends such as you! I always find a way to bounce back. Sometimes though there's a limit as to how much we can help ourselves based on our personality. That's where I wish I was more like you.:hugs:


Milly,

I have no doubts whatsoever that you'd always get back to anyone who needs help because that's the woman you are! You're just So Caring!:hugs:


Sheba,

It's like Donna said in one of her posts. We can sometimes give out a confident happy impression in posts when we're actually worrying and hurting inside. However, like I say, I worry that if I talk about my low times too much, people will feel a burden and then I can't help them. It concerned me greatly before I joined that my own issues might get in the way of trying to help people so I've tried to keep quiet.

Regarding my mother, I feel all those things you've said. I feel I am caring for her but she also makes me feel needed so I would feel more alone without her because she gives me purpose. I need to feel needed.

Please don't feel selfish Sheba because I Enjoy helping others just like I enjoy helping my mother. However, it maybe true to say that by helping others it distracts me from thinking about "me" so you're Not being selfish. You're helping me!:hugs:

[milly jones]

we all need u too bill, as u need us

together in nmp

mil xx