How do I move on?

[thevoicewithinme]

Last night, we decided to have a drink or two...and my boyfriend and I got into a deep and meaningful conversation about my past, my panic attacks and my agoraphobia. I have finally accepted that my boyfriend does not understand, and is very unlikely to understand what I am going through, but, I am very aware now that he does love me but he just doesn't know how to cope and me being me, cannot put into words for him on what to do.

During the conversation, I became angry, frustrated and tearful, none of it aimed at him, but aimed at my husband (soon to be ex) who I know is to blame for the way I am now, and my boyfriend also feels that my ex is to blame. Some of you know what happened last year, and for those of you who don't....last year I discovered that my husband (who I was seperated from) had a past from which he had kept from me....basically I found out that I had married a sex offender.

It's a well known fact, that people like my ex learn from things that happen to them and that's why they become the way they are and that to stop it from continuing (i.e. through their kids) the chain has to be broken. Well, I did stop that chain....my little boys now have no contact with their blood father and legally they aren't allowed to until they are 18 (a long time away) and even then that will be over my dead body....but, what my boyfriend said last night is, that yes I did break that chain, but in doing so...I have taken the full load of everything. I got my children away from a P***(sorry dont want type the word) but, I am now carrying the guilt, the pain, the hurt and the need to protect my children more than ever. When I say guilt, it's not guilt because I knew what he was...I didn't..not until last year, it's more the guilt that my little boys, who are so absolutely gorgeous and so very very innocent have a blood father like him.

I have never felt so much anger towards someone, and so much hate and yet at the same time, feel sorry for them, because they are sick, so very very sick. He and his family betrayed my trust....they all lied to me and this I cannot get over and I cannot forget. I cannot cope with the way I feel about him, because the hate is boiling up so much that I really really want him dead. I know that makes me sound like such an evil person, but in my eyes, if he were no longer around...maybe I could move on?? And yet I know that's not true at the same time.

I still have have his name...as do my little boys and I hate it. Everytime someone says 'Mrs R*****s' I cringe...I feel dirty, I feel contaminated, I feel like such an idiot. I am not a stupid person, in fact I am quite well educated...but how the hell didn't I see him for what he is? The only good thing that ever came out of that relationship was my two little boys, who I love so very very much and I would give my life to protect them, and if I ever find out that he laid one hand on those two boys...or my 10 year old from another relationship...well I'm not even going to put into print what I would do.

Today, I am going to look into changing my name and my little boys names by Deed Poll, but...and this is where the law stinks....I know I am going to come across the same hurdle as I did when my boyfriend wanted parental responsiblity for them, that hurdle is...that I am going to have to get my ex-husbands permission to change their names, and I know that he will not give it.

I am so lucky in that my boyfriend loves my children as if they were his own, and my two youngest, no longer ask about 'Daddy' To them, my boyfriend is their Daddy. He has been more of a father to them in their short lives than their blood father ever was...and I know in time, he would like to adopt them as well.

I need to get my ex out of my head, but how? I feel that if I can do this, maybe, just maybe I can move on and I can get my life back, because right now I truly don't have a life....each day is the same as the previous day....everything is so routine, it has to be or else I can't cope...I'm not living, I am existing.

I know I have waffled on again (sorry) but please, has anyone got any ideas how I can move on?? All suggestions would be greatly appreciated, because I so don't know how much more of this I can take. How the hell do I get a perv like him out of my head? So far, we have changed the landline number, and I have also just got a new mobile and new number, which he hasnt got...but he does know where I live, even though he is over 200 miles away, there is always the thought that he could turn up here.

Kaz xx

[eternally optimistic]

Hi Kaz

What a time you've had, but your are a survivor and you will get through this.

Have you looked for any self help groups who could help with the issues that are causing your anxiety etc.

It is very difficult for someone to understand your internal feelings and it can be hard to put that across.

I hope you find the help you are looking for.

Would your Doctor will be able to advise on whether there is any help within the NHS system.

Good luck Kaz and stay strong.

[thevoicewithinme]

Hi Jackie,

I have looked for self help groups, but sadly cannot find any for the situation I am now in :weep:

I have seen my Doctor on a few occasions now, and she has agreed that I do most definately need counselling, and I am on the waiting list, but here there is at least a 12 week wait, and I have so far been waiting 9 weeks, but guess I am slowly moving up the queue!!

Thank you for replying.

Kaz xx

[marie1974]

hi kaz you poor luv, first of all you can change surnames on the internet through deep poll if you just type it in it will come up, i think it cost about 10 pound per child but you will have to have a read. secondary i know you prob been told this hundred times but its not your fault and these people are so very cunning and manipulative that they suck u in tey are dangerous predators you would not have know hun. just be thankful u got yourself and kids away from it and that u have a lovely new partner. also cbt will help you to think differently i am having it and had major anger issues and ive had 6 seesions and already im alot more calmer and it really works u can get it through nhs allthough waiting time is long time, mine is private but cost 40pound per session but you can go through charitys too like MIND and im sure there will be some more percific to what you want and need. i would be so angry though like you and the thought that he could do the same thing again and no one would know etc etc i am not sure i could handle that one.
his family though wot idiots to protect him over that especially with kids around they need locking up an all. i know its so hard but are u living away from that area now where he is? u just need to focus on getting you right cos then you will be mega strong and keeping u and your family happy and focusing on your future. i know how hard it must be though kaz but you will get there hugs xxx you are a brave women hun

[Cathy V]

Hi Kaz, what a story you have to tell, and im truly sorry that you are in this loop of anxiety because of your ex. I understand your desperation and need to remove all trace of him, and yes the law stinks with the legal side of trying to change your name. However, i was in a similar situation when my 2nd partner wanted to officially adopt my 3 children from my 1st marriage. My ex-husband wouldn't give his permission and at the time i was really really angry because he had no interest in them whatsoever and the few occasions he did arrange to see them he cancelled every time. He eventaully droppd out of our lives completely and i just simply started to use my new partners surname. It was never done by deed poll but i was told by a solocitor, and by the doctors we were registered with and by the school they atended that you can call yourself what you want to call yourself really. Because at first i would always put them down on paper with both the surnames together but they all said it wasnt necessary and that i could just simply call them by their new name. So we did.

They are in their 20s and 30s now and still use the new name, and when it comes to marriage for them, they can go on with it even tho their official name is on their birth certs. They all have passports with the new name on and all they have to do when filling in the forms (for anything really) is state their 'birth' name and that their mother married again and chose to call them by their step-fathers surname. Its such a common thing that nobody bothers about it really. I know you'd like it to be official, but if it never can be made legal this is the next best thing. Make the decision one day to start calling yourselves as a family by your new partners name, change it at the doctors and school etc. and thats it really. If doing this helps you to move on then its worth doing.

Hope this helps a bit Kaz and hope you feel better soon
Take care :hugs:
Cathy xxxxxxx

[milly jones]

kaz hun my lovely friend

firstly and i know its not much but i wish i could give u a cuddle.

im not sure about changing names but this situation must have come up before perhaps a solictor could advise, or the CAB.

donna's right MIND do help with counselling, but if it was me id go back to the gp and put pressure on him for an emergency referral. u can get them hun, i saw a psychatrist within a month and had sessions straight away after that. we have a service called first access which are an assessmnet team for mental health issues.

if u feel desperate and need to talk, apart from us all here hun i use;

saneline 08457678000

or

CALL 0800132737

when i need to talk

lastly all this is not ur fault hun. u trusted him and he betrayed that trust. he is an adult and it is he that is responsible for his actions past and present. its my belief that he should have shared this with u and given u the opportunity to walk away or stay. he took that away from u kaz. u never chose this hun. its not ur fault pls realise that.

u need someone professional to talk to about ur anger, your loss and how to move on hun.

u are a brave strong woman and i cant imagine ur hurt, but if it helps all at nmp love u loads and care so much for u

all my love

milly xx

[thevoicewithinme]

Am sat here now in tears, but not tears of sadness, tears knowing that people out there do care and that nobody blames me...because god knows I do...I should of been able to tell somehow. I cannot for the life of me see how somebody can be like he was. I try and try to somehow get in his head..but then that just messes my head up even more.


Donna I mentioned to my Doctor about CBT but she gave me the web address for Mood Gym, which to be honest I really struggle with..somehow can't get my head around it.


Cathy, I have this morning gone to the Deed Poll website, and changed my surname and that of my two youngest children to my boyfriends surname. My 10 year old, I have given him a double barrel name of both my partners name and that of first husbands name (sadly he died suddenly 2 years ago).


I, ummmm, think I maybe bent the truth a little in applying for these deeds for my youngest two children as it did say that anyone with parental responsibility has to give consent to the name change....but...in my eyes I have full parental responsibility because he is not allowed any contact with the boys whatsoever!!


My boyfriend has also been busy this morning, which has kind of surprised me. He just rang me from work,to say that he has been in touch with the adoption agency making enquiries and that they are sending forms out to us, as he wants to adopt the boys..and that's not just my youngest two..he wants to adopt my 10 year old too...because he doesn't want little Karl to feel left out.


Milly, dear dear Milly.....can I just say thank you for being you? You are such a lovely caring lady, and I cannot for one second see, why you should think that people don't like you...although I have never met you, I like you so much and if I ever...nope wrong words....when I beat this agoraphobia I am going to come visit you and give you the biggest hug ever.


I was referred by my Doctor to a service here called First Point Direct Access who did write to me, and on their request I phoned them to let them know that I did want to go ahead and make an appointment..but...am still waiting!!


Thank you all of you...I love you all to bits. I might not have friends here where I live but I do have so many of you on here.


You are all so special.


Kaz xx

[dawny]

kaz.

oh mate, i feel for you, what a truly terrible thing to have found out and the terrible betrayal....

...you will move on and i think time will be a great healer, because the hurt at the momment must be very raw and i really dont blame you for the hate you feel.

what a terrible thing to find out about someone that you shared your life with, no wonder you are ill

but kaz, you are a strong person and one day this will be behind you and you will move on hun and enjoy life again.

love and cuddles

dawny

[sandramick]

hi kaz . first thing to say is that none of it isyour fault . in my eyes you have been a fantastic mum you keep your kids safe an you have up rooted your self an moved away wot more can u have done . sounds like u have found a lovely man who stands by not just u but more important the kids as well that is some thing special . i really hope that one day u will be able to put the animal behind u an be able to fully enjoy the life u have now .
the last thing to say is have u booked that caravan yet cos id love to meet up for a hug xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:bighug1:

[dawny]

kaz

we posted at the same time, you are already making steps in the right direction....well done

sounds like you got a good caring bloke, its great that he wants to adopt your kids

love dawny

[milly jones]

kaz theres livinglifetothefull.co.uk which i prefer to moodgym

thanks hun for ur love

millxx

[milly jones]

oh and by the way kaz its a date, anytime xx

[popsy]

Kaz, you are such an amazing strong woman!!! And your boyfriend sounds like he loves you and the children to bits!
I dont know what else to say accept, big hugs and we are ALWAYS all here for you, friends like you meet on here are true friends because they accept the REAL you. You sound like a wonderful person, good luck with everything!!! :bighug1:
Popsy x x x

[thevoicewithinme]

Thank you Dawny and yes was a very big shock on finding out what I had married :mad: but, I also know the affect this has had on all of my family.

My 20 year old son has changed in the way he reacts around his little brothers...i.e. he can't stand to see them running around naked after they have had a bath, whereas before...it never affected him.

My boyfriend, who is such a lovely man, is frightened to get too close to the little ones i.e. he worries that if he cuddles them or has them sitting on his lap...that people will label him the same as my ex.

You see, my ex has a lot to answer for. I am constantly re-assuring my boyfriend and my son that they are nothing like my ex. To me, it's very important that the boys have a 'normal' childhood (even with a nutcase for a mum). If they want hugs, they should have them and of course they should always receive hugs without having to ask for them too :) . They are way too young to understand what has happened.

So you see, I am not a selfish person...I know it's not just me who has been affected by it all. My whole family has...through him, my ex and now through me because of my illness.

Hope this makes sense, because I have just read this back and kind of lost myself.

I so know what I want to say...but getting it from my head to my mouth or here on the computer screen doesn't always want to work.

Kaz xx

[milly jones]

is ther any family counselling that can be offered to help u all cope with the future?

just a thought mill xx

[thevoicewithinme]

Thank you everyone who I haven't mentioned....I think the last time I posted that you all must of done atthe same time...hence I missed you out...but didn't do that intentionally.

Milly havent really thought about family counselling..but thank you for putting the idea in my head.

Kaz xxx

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs: my god you need to give yourself so much time and care to get over this! i am horrified for you that this has happened and i dont think you should feel bad for one little thing - even though i know you will - guilt for you is a ridiculous emotion - you did nothing wrong!!!!

you have so much even though after what you have been through makes uyou feel that you havent, you have your partner and your kids and they would not be able to live without you - you have to remember how important you are? i dont know how long ago all of this came out but even if it was ages ago this is something that is so traumatic that you will need alot of time - please dont beat yourself up for having developed anxiety - i think from what ive read about you you have recovered before? you will again beleive me but not if you beat yourself up for ANYTHING!!! i think this is a terrible sad situation that you have been put in and my support is with you for you to get well and to feel happy again, tc, emmaxxxxxxxxx:hugs:

[thevoicewithinme]

Thank you emmas.

This all came out in June of last year, when I suddenly from out of the blue had social services on my doorstep asking me what I knew about my ex hubands past before he met me...I told them that I knew he had been in prison for stealing cars (something which he and his family had told me)...but obviously now I know that was a lie...because of course yes he had been in prison..but not for stealing cars...for something much much worse!!
To cut a long story short..he was in court last year for an offence and this is when all his past was dragged up...and then given to social services who traced me.

I have recovered from agoraphobia and panic attacks before, you are right...over 12 years ago. It took me 7 years to conquer it..but I did do it in the end..but I feel that knowing it took me 7 years last time is what frightens me so much this time...I have only been this way for 4 months this time and it feels like forever.

People say that I am strong...that I am a survivor..but I really am not so sure.

Kaz

[marie1974]

hi kaz 7 years mayb but u learn things from first time around and we grow stronger from it. u have proved you are a fighter and i know u will be ok. i know this is a terrible thing but you will move forward from it with your lovely family hugs xxx

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs: well this is true kaz you are strong ansd a survivor but even survivors suffer! depression is called the illness of the strong you know, you have to think how other ppl may have reacted - soem would just completely try to ignore it because it was too painful? some mothers even stay with their abusive husbands!:ohmy: but not you, you are dealing with this in the best possible way and you are suffering for the admirable way you are coping with what to me is a nightmare scenario - i feel sooooo sorry for you. i was once duped and it sent me into a mini breakdown but it was absolutely not serious yet still i could not deal with being chested out of what i thought was true.

you will recove rfrom your agoro much much quicker if you just let up on yourself - you can apply cbt to the trauma you are suffering now - every time you feel bad about wha thas happened remind yourself tha tyou are not to blame, everytime you tell yourslef your family are suffering because of you you tell yourself that is not true even if you 'feel' like that!its just how you feel it isnt the truth, your partner and kids need you and you need to rediscove ryou again and things will get better, soem of us will always react with agoraphobia to stressful events, and this is one massive stressful situation - this isnt normal and isnt wha tmost ppl will have to deal with, so you must must not blame yourself or punish yourself with agoraphobia - you have to hold your head high and know this to get well - remembe reven if you 'feel' a certain way it doesnt mean its the truth!!! you feel youve allowed your kids to have him as a dad, but you didnt, he duped you into being their dad! i can soooo understand your guilt but it will destroy you if you let it - try to let it go, becaus eit will hamper your recovery from the agoraphobia, i wish you well and i am always here if you need to talk, emma:hugs:

[Kag27]

Hi there,

We are all here for a reason and we all found this site for a reason. And that reason is to meet new people and to try and move on with our lives. This site is new to me. However when I was at my worst I stumbled upon this website www.panicend.com (http://www.panicend.com) it is very simalar to this site. I think you should stop by and check it out as well. Like this site it has sooooooo much valuble information that can help you get on with your life and set yourself free. Best of luck to you!! Remember what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. :)

[milly jones]

thanks for link kag, why not post it in the links bit of the forum so others may get to see it too

milly xx