View Full Version : Why havent i died after 32 years?
You know, I dont very often start threads (coz i usually end up in trouble when i do) but over the last few days...prob since i had my last round of cardio tests last friday in fact...ive been reading the posts of mostly new members and their health anxieties, as well as some of the older members who have had many years of it under their belts. And today ive thought what the hell am I doing? why am I wasting my entire life with this crap?
With all of the panics and heart anxiety and meds and being careful where i go in case i have a PA and adjusting and restricting my life, its taken up an entire lifetime....32 years. Ive been waiting to die for 32 years. And y'know what? im actualy getting close to an age where its now possible to die from some sort of illness. But why the bloody hell did i think it was possible at age 22? and why have i allowed it to shape my life ever since. Its unbelievable when i think about it now. And it makes me sad when i read posts from young people on here whos lives are totally absorbed by all of this.
My message to them is please...you are not going to die, not from health anxiety. If all the tests have been negative BELIEVE THEM! You dont have heart disease, or cancer, or a brain tumour or MS or any of the things that you think you have because you have a pain in your arm or leg or head. If you dont start working towards getting yourselves out of this loop now, when you are so young, then you'll end up like me. Can you think ahead 32 years? that you'll still be wondering if you have an illness that will kill you? how would you like to feel like you do now in 30 years? well thats exactly what will happen if you carry on examining every single twitch and twinge...believe it.
And im not talking about ppl whose anxiety comes from an abusive past, have OCD or anorexia or depressive illnesses or a true physical illness because this is different. I'm talking to the ppl like myself who only have health anxiety, and i say 'only' because thats what it 'only' is.
One day when i was 22 years old i felt my heart miss a few beats, and it terrified me, and from that day to this, at age 54, it still has the power to control me....even after tests too numerous to count. How sad is that. How utterly insane (pardon the expression) is it of me to allow this to have coloured my life and spill over into my childrens lives over the years. Its too late to make it up to them, but today something went 'ding' inside me, and i will no longer let this continue to rule my life.
So by becoming a member of nmp, it has helped me in more ways than i ever thought. By reading every day about other ppl in the same situation with health anxiety has given me comfort, but the very fact that there are so many of us who suffer with this, and so many young ppl too, has made me realise that now i finally have to say to myself "hey Cathy..its enough now, after 32 years you are still here, please take back your life." So thats what i will do.
Best wishes
Cathy xxxx :)
aww im glad nmp is helping you and your children im sure especially from pics i seen love you dearly and would never complain about missin out on anything when younger, to them im sure you are the best mum. welldone for fighting this and being the strong scouser you r hun hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
jellybean43
18-06-08, 21:17
Cathy what a fab post---I too have suffered anxiety since i was 21---and hey i am still here and still worrying too---22 years on!!
You are soo right what a waste of time it all is and I soo wish i could be different. My son is 22 and he is showing signs of it all---I am doing my best to get him to realise that when he has tests and they are all clear that he is fine!!!
xx
This post was inspirational cathy!! i turn 22 in a matter of months and your post has inspired me to take action!!!!
thankyou so much for opening my eyes, and helping me look at it in a different way!!!!
peace and love xx
Hey LJ, i'm so glad thats its made you think about it in thsi way, i just feel it for all of you youngsters wasting your lives on thoughts that you're gonna die...you are healthy vital ppl and anxiety is sapping you, dont let it. The road wont be easy but you WILL do it if its what you really want, and the ppl on here will help you.
Thanks donna for the kind words as always chuck...it was a bit of a light-bulb moment today...the bulb went bang!
Jellybean, i know what you mean about your son, mine too. Would he have had his own anxieties if i hadnt had mine? I'll never know, but he was with me through alot of my panic attacks as he was growing up so i think it was 'learned' behaviour...how sad is that.
Thanks for understanding guys
Cathy xxx
You know, I dont very often start threads (coz i usually end up in trouble when i do) but over the last few days...prob since i had my last round of cardio tests last friday in fact...ive been reading the posts of mostly new members and their health anxieties, as well as some of the older members who have had many years of it under their belts. And today ive thought what the hell am I doing? why am I wasting my entire life with this crap?
With all of the panics and heart anxiety and meds and being careful where i go in case i have a PA and adjusting and restricting my life, its taken up an entire lifetime....32 years. Ive been waiting to die for 32 years. And y'know what? im actualy getting close to an age where its now possible to die from some sort of illness. But why the bloody hell did i think it was possible at age 22? and why have i allowed it to shape my life ever since. Its unbelievable when i think about it now. And it makes me sad when i read posts from young people on here whos lives are totally absorbed by all of this.
My message to them is please...you are not going to die, not from health anxiety. If all the tests have been negative BELIEVE THEM! You dont have heart disease, or cancer, or a brain tumour or MS or any of the things that you think you have because you have a pain in your arm or leg or head. If you dont start working towards getting yourselves out of this loop now, when you are so young, then you'll end up like me. Can you think ahead 32 years? that you'll still be wondering if you have an illness that will kill you? how would you like to feel like you do now in 30 years? well thats exactly what will happen if you carry on examining every single twitch and twinge...believe it.
And im not talking about ppl whose anxiety comes from an abusive past, have OCD or anorexia or depressive illnesses or a true physical illness because this is different. I'm talking to the ppl like myself who only have health anxiety, and i say 'only' because thats what it 'only' is.
One day when i was 22 years old i felt my heart miss a few beats, and it terrified me, and from that day to this, at age 54, it still has the power to control me....even after tests too numerous to count. How sad is that. How utterly insane (pardon the expression) is it of me to allow this to have coloured my life and spill over into my childrens lives over the years. Its too late to make it up to them, but today something went 'ding' inside me, and i will no longer let this continue to rule my life.
So by becoming a member of nmp, it has helped me in more ways than i ever thought. By reading every day about other ppl in the same situation with health anxiety has given me comfort, but the very fact that there are so many of us who suffer with this, and so many young ppl too, has made me realise that now i finally have to say to myself "hey Cathy..its enough now, after 32 years you are still here, please take back your life." So thats what i will do.
Best wishes
Cathy xxxx :)
As a person who doesn't suffer from health anxiety I have never felt able to place a post like this so I salute you.
It is true what you say, some members of this board have MRI after MRI and still don't believe the results meanwhile someone who really has something wrong with their brain is made to wait as the X ray dept is rushed off their feet, the same applies to other tests.
What makes me really sad is the amount of people whose HA is ruining their lives. They are so obsessed with being ill and dying that they are not living life to the full.
Fortunately I don't suffer from HA (but anxiety over my pets which was so bad the other month the doctor put me on anti-depressants).
Some of my replies sound hard and uncaring but I feel that by me being all lovey dovey it is not helping the situation.
It would be fantastic if our members with HA were to wake up tomorrow morning and shout "HELLO WORLD, I'M BACK.":yesyes: I hope I don't sound like a bitch.
I read this online today regarding HA
' The patient is helped to evaluate how he or she thinks of themselves and the world. They are encouraged to face up to their problems and difficulties,' said Dr White. '
Hi Cathy,
What a lovely post.
I don't suffer from HA, I have general and social anxiety but I do share your sadness when I read posts from people with any type of anxiety. I know I waste so much time worrying about my anxiety. I have posted today that I will go to the doctors to ask about CBT, but since then I have been thinking whats the point when other areas of my life will still be crap. Now though I feel inspired so thank you.
I'm so glad that you are finally taking your life back, wishing you lots of happiness and luck for the future.
Anna x
milly jones
18-06-08, 22:35
cathy my mate
if u didnt have anx id never have met u hun, ud never had brightened my life
i hope this is a step forward for u hun, but keep in touch cos id miss u loads.
sorry if that sounds selfish
milly xx
I don't suffer with Health Anxiety, so it's probably wrong for me to comment.:blush:
I've always been a strong believer in living life to the very full ! (Other than when i've been extremely ill through depressive stages). I have Bi-polar/PTSD/Anxiety/Panic.
It's actually having experienced past trauma that's made me feel so grateful to have a life that it is so precious. I try not to take life for granted anymore, and hang onto every happy moment and the memories. I feel so grateful to have the freedom for adventure and to explore the world.
There's so much out there to see and do, unlimited amount of things i'd love to share with my family and children, there just doesn't seem to be enough time, but I try !
I hope to travel the world with my bf and children once they've left school, the whole world and different cultures just fascinate me.
In the meantime, I try to live a happy life exploring in my own way, finding out different things that interest me and spend quality time with my family,... and whilst i'm doing this, I'll just keep dreaming of that big adventure that we're all going to share together.
:cloud9: :cloud9:
Oh sorry,.. I forgot to say. Do you mean you're leaving the site ?
If you are,.. I wish you the very best of luck.
Have fun on your adventures :winks:.
Take care xx
Its been a pleasure and an honour to know you all. Without you i would never have had my 'light-bulb' moment...so where the f**k where you all 32 years ago? well half of you wouldnt have been born thats for sure :D
You are all special ppl...I mean for God's sake, how many ppl can survive these symptoms for as long as we do? we always feel like we're the weak ones...but why cant we see just how strong we are? we are so f***ing wonderful (you too Trixie who never says much because she dont have HA, but who looks after her lovely girl who has so many probs...trixie i wish i'd had a mum like you)
Little Milly..what can i say to you, you are a sweetheart so dont be hard on yourself, just believe everyone when they tell you. Dont miss me coz you have sooo many ppl here who want you to be well ok?
I can't list the many ppl who have supported me...but donna will always be top of the list coz she thought i was a proper cow when i first joined and despite this she was her usual kind self and still had time for me, she calmed me down...a bit, but not much hahaha!
Thanks nic for nmp...a special place, but then you know that already.
But to the youngsters most of all...please know that you'll make it, if you dont let it take over, ok? Life is sometimes sh**y but its your life and the only one you have and its up to you if you live it or if you waste it.
My thoughts are with you all
Take care
Cathy V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx :noangel:
Ps.....post script for all (thanks sheryl...sums it all up really) 'Why stay in prison when the door is open?' xxxxxxxxx
If you are still 'lurking' and reading this I want to say GOOD LUCK and go and enjoy life you deserve to after years of torment. http://bestsmileys.com/fireworks/3.gif Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Alabasterlyn
19-06-08, 10:21
What a great post and such an eye opener for those of us who have suffered with health anxiety for a long time.
Although I do worry about my health I don't go around having lots of tests. I started having palpitations when I was in my early 20's but apart from my GP listening to my heart and having one ecg in 30yrs I've just let them be. I've never had any other tests for the simple reason that I know my symptoms will just move to somewhere else :ohmy:
Oh and Trixie you are great, you don't come across as hard or uncaring at all. Your posts are always very sensible and reassuring.
A fantastic post and one that could have been written for me. I'm now 52 and from my late teens have suffered with health anxiety which has caused panic attacks and over the last two years agoraphobia. I have had Cathys light bulb moments on several occasions and felt so energised but then I get that flicker of concern because of some pain or other and no matter how much I convince myself that it is only health anxiety I struggle to control it. Like someone else said I don't have loads of tests I too don't see the point cos I know this is health anxiety and it would move to some other region. I'm sure that one day I really will have a heart attack or something serious and I'll do nothing about it cos I'll be saying its ok its just health anxiety.
LIke Cathy I feel so sad for the young people on here who are starting on this long and lonely road all I can say is turn back and take another path cos this one just isn't worth the journey.
Best wishes Cathy and I hope that your recovery is swift and permanant if you can pop on occasionally and let us know how you are doing that would be great. Take care.
milly jones
19-06-08, 11:30
cathy please dont go i need u in the forum please
millx
Cathy
You were the first person i met on here who totally understood me and your advice, reassurrance and kind words (when you were feeling s*it as well) have helped me soooooooooooooo much.
I can honestly say i have never come across someone who i have never met in the flesh but have so much respect for. Cathy you are a very intelligent special lady and words cannot express how much you have helped me and many many many others on here.
Me being selfish maybe - NMP will never be the same without you.
One thing though why do you always make me cry???
Karen
x
BeltaineInchy
20-06-08, 16:57
I'm not one for doing me toos, but I just have to respond to this post.
Around about when I was 25 I went on a stag day paintballing. I came out as top gun of course, but.... I physically exhausted myself and had my first PA driving the 150miles home on my own. I'm now 43. I've been dieing for 18 years. My grandma's first words to my wife was "I've been dieing since 1956". She died in 1988 aged 83 (of suddenly getting religion I think). I've recently realised I've turned into her, and I'm a bloke!
There is nothing wrong with me at all. I can go for a 3 mile run one morning and hardly get out of breath, the next morning I think I am having a heart attack from the exhertion of getting out of bed. Oh and the on-going cancerous take-over of my bowels, and, and, and, etc.
Like all other hypochondriacs I don't want to accept that what I feel is anxiety - there must be some physical cause. There isn't. It's all in our heads, all of it.
I get dizzy
I have odd vision (including halos around light)
I get chest pains (actually I imagine I have them)
I get pains in my arms
I have difficulty breathing (well actually it feels like I feel like I have difficulty breathing)
I have a twitch in my right eye
I have constipation and the squits (sometimes at the same time - tallent!)
I get ectopics like my heart is a prog rock drummer on acid
I have IBS (I think)
I get gastric reflux
Sometimes my brain is so full and hyperactive I think I'm going mad
My chest feels bloated and I have serious wind (up)
All of it is because every time I think about illness (all the time) every muscle in me tenses and stays that way until I remember to relax them. That can be some time.
I have wasted 18 years worrying about worrying. I have probably wasted what could have been the funnest time of my life. I am having to start enjoying myself now when I'm not quite as trim, I have less hair and generally aged. Wife swapping no longer seems as attractive once you pass 40!
My attitude now is rapidly becoming, "oh sod it, either I die or I don't". I just wish I'd taken that attitude 18 years ago.
So young-uns, take it from us old HA's, it's not worth it, they don't pay you enough, you don't get enough sympathy and the drugs don't work. You aren't going to die and neither am I so have some iron bru and start smiling
Inchy
...
/|\
Blessings on the Summer Solstice to the whole of NMP, except those in the Southern hemisphere where I send Blessings on the Winter Solstice.
Great post Cathy!
Trixie - I always find your posts and comments great too - not hard at all, just a good dose of reality (which is what I always need!)
All the best
Great post Cathy!
Trixie - I always find your posts and comments great too - not hard at all, just a good dose of reality (which is what I always need!)
All the best
I do worry at times that I may appear to be hard but I don't mean to be. I feel that if I pander to your feelings it is just adding fuel to the fire. But I do realise how hard it is for you all and I do sympathise. :flowers:
Thanks Cathy that was a great post and very true, I have spent too many years worrying about this and that being wrong and finally made myself ill with all the worry. I have got to the stage now where I can't be bothered to worry and find myself just going for it now. Can't say all the symptoms have gone yet but my life is much improved and with or without these horrible symptoms I am going to live my life as full as I can.
I wish you all the best Cathy.
Carol
x
Hi Cathy. Thanks for the post! It's made me realise certain things about myself and I'm sure it's done the same to many many others.
I haven't had millions of tests (just one in fact...that involved my doctor telling me to push my thumbs against his and pull them back towards me...apparently it was some neurological test thing) and I think if I did, I'd let it go.
It's hard writing this at 10 past 4 in the morning when my chest hurts and I've got 999 typed into my phone with my finger lingering over the call button every few minutes. But I know I'm alright. I'm still getting on with life as best I can despite my worries.
Thanks again, take care.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.